3.23.2009

Good morning. Let's talk about Fucking Machines.

A few weeks ago I twittered (tweeted? twatted?) a link to a local news story about a DIY sex machine gone horribly, horribly wrong. A couple in Southern Maryland got all MacGyver with a dildo and a saber saw, which sounds normal enough, except the teeth of the saber saw cut through the dildo and sawed homegirl's ladypiece to ribbons. (By the way, Southern Maryland: behave yourself. It seems like every time you're in the news it's for something heinous and frightening like popping your kids in the freezer for a few years or sawing your genitals in half. You make it difficult for me to win Maryland vs. Virginia arguments. Behave.)

When I first read this story, my initial reaction was to blame and mock the couple. I laughed at them. I mused about how stupid one must be to think putting a dildo on a saber saw is a good idea in the first place. I also mused about the kind of gentlewoman who lets her redneck husband, a dildo and a saber saw within 10 paces of her genitals. The point being, I thought these two pieces-of-work were examples of Darwinism at its best. I, however, was wrong.

I would like to publicly apologize to this couple for judging them for being the dumbest people on the planet. Because upon further investigation, they might actually be the most economically responsible people on the planet. And for that, I'm sorry. Allow me to explain.

A blog I read recently wrote a piece about DIY sex machines, as inspired by our SoMar couple. Somebody left a comment linking to a website called "Extreme Restraints." (NOT SAFE FOR WORK! And you know I get my giggles by not giving you NSFW warnings, so let that speak for itself.) Extreme Restraints is a fetish website for those who get all hot and bothered by being restrained and then fucked with "Fucking Machines." I must have missed an episode of Real Sex, because I had no idea this was even a fetish in the first place, but now that I do, it enrages me.

First of all, the phrase "Fucking Machine" is the most crass thing I have ever heard. And I once wrote a post about dicks saturated in anal blood, so there's that.

Now let me be clear, the actual fetish doesn't offend me. Frankly, as long as everyone is of legal age and the act is consensual, then I say go to town and have fun doing it. Who am I to judge? Want to know what gets me hot and bothered? (No? I respect that. But I'm telling you anyway, asshole.) There's a scene in the 2001 PG-13 rated film Keeping the Faith where Edward Norton is stretching Jenna Elfman's leg after a run. He pushes her leg too hard and she winces he pain so he sadistically pushes harder. She complains that it hurts, so he leans in (covered in Norton sweat) and says in a patronizing tone, "You're such a wimp." PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION if that doesn't get me all hot and bothered every single time. The only version of it on youtube is dubbed in Spanish, but it gets the job done in a pinch:

Jesus Christ. Norton. Why did I bring this up in the first place? Oh yes, Fucking Machines. If being restrained and fucked with a machine gets you off, then mozel tov and amen!

The problem I have with the Fucking Machines featured on extremerestraints.com is that they cost upwards of $750. SEVEN-HUNDRED-AND-FIFTY-FUCKING-DOLLARS! Are you kidding me? Maybe it's just the Jew in me talking, but I think a Fucking Machine is the epitome of poor financial planning. If my hypothetical boyfriend came to me and was all "Hey, let's go halvsies on a Fucking Machine!" I think that would be the end of our hypothetical relationship. Because God gave you the ultimate Fucking Machine, Sir, and it lives in your pants and doesn't cost us a dime. Why don't we take the $750 and go on vacation to Miami for a week where you can fuck me for free? Direct flight! Hotel and airfare included!

The website also advertises that you can use these machines for masturbation purposes. Which is just the most offensive thing I have ever heard in my entire life! Because there's a lot of people I would pay $750 to have sex with, and I am not one of them. I'm sorry. I'm a great girl and all, but a night with me is in no way worth $750, and I will be the first one to tell you. If it boils down to me having some alone time with the "eXtreme Plow Fucking Machine" or making a payment on my student loan, I'd choose the student loan before you can say "drilldo fucking attachment" (which retails for $98 and is out of stock, by the way.) It's a recession people, act like you know what that means! Which isn't to say that a Recession isn't a time for pleasure. Just be responsible about it. I, for example, have a vibrator. But it's not a trendy Rabbit vibrator or anything fun like that. It's like a shitty generic-brand vibrator that you'd get at Costco for $5 and comes with a 36-pack of AA batteries and a jumbo box of frozen meatballs for free. And in this day and age, I feel grateful to have it.

Thus, I am incredibly sorry for laughing at the couple who made their own Fucking Machine. They had a dildo. They had a saber saw. They saw an opportunity to pinch a few pennies. Can we really blame them?

16 comments:

jes said...

"But it's not a trendy Rabbit vibrator or anything fun like that..." hahaha... it's '98, Charlotte called and wants her's back!

this was disturbingly funny! i now feel the need to research what Tennessee rednecks do in these situations... 10 to 1 it is way way worse than anything anyone in Maryland or VA would dare attempt.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God this is my new favorite website ever.

maryland, jews, and sex? my 3 favorite things.


hell fucking yes. you = winner

p.s. that scene in keeping the faith is ridiculously inordinately hot.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

PSSSHHHH THANKS! You're my new favorite Anonymous poster ever!

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