I have what they call the "ADD" and it's hyperactive cousin "ADHD." Yes, that is a self diagnosis, but I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be true. If I had a nickel for every time I zoned out on the metro, missed my stop and have to backtrack for 10 minutes resulting in me being embarassingly late somewhere—well I'd have a shitload of nickels. Apparently it was heavily advertised during last week's episode that The Hills season finale would air Sunday night before the MTV Movie Awards, instead of Monday night. Unfortunately I wasn't listening. I was too busy staring at a particularly shiny piece of tinfoil and chasing a moth around my apartment for 20 minutes. So my bad, I totally missed LC's last episode.
Now, normally I could just watch it online, recrap it rull quick and all would be right with the world. Of course because I actually need to be the only person in the office, we have six people here for a breakfast meeting. (And someone who looks like the Monopoly man if he let himself go just ate the chocolate croissant Russel the co-worker specifically bought for me. Asshole.)
But that's not going to stop this girl. Given that all anybody ever does on The Hills is stare at each other and play with their hair, I'm going to assume watching it on mute isn't going to make a lick of difference. Let's see, shall we?
Lauren and Lo are having a little chat in the office. I'm going to assume it's about whether or not Lauren's going to go to the wedding. I'm also going to assume it's incredibly boring. Lo's eyes are jacked up—that's not just me, right? I'm going to pretend they're talking about corrective eye surgery for Lo. Now, I can't read lips, but I'm pretty sure Lauren just made a deal with Lo: she'll go to the wedding if Lo goes to The Dollar Party Store and gets herself an eye patch. Cliffhanger! And Fade into opening credits.
Scene: Heidi and Stephanie chat in Heidi and Spencer's apartment
"Oh Heidi you're getting married this is crazy we're not in Mexico anymore LOLZ haha you're my sister-in-law blah blah!"
"I know it's crazy I'm so happy blah blah Spencer blah blah so excited blah."
BUT THEN! There's a distinct shift in body language. Very telling. Either Stephanie asked Heidi if she's made any headway with Lauren, or she brought up the fact that 'Stache is bringing Stacie the Bartender as his plus-one to the wedding. God I hope it's the latter.
Scene: Heidi's Mom Darlene and Spencer have lunch
Mmm hmm, mmm hmm...OK, here's what I'm pretty sure is going down: Darlene starts to lecture Spencer about how her daughter is the most important thing in the world to her and she just wants to make sure that he'll always protect and love her and all that shit. Then Spencer leans in and with a devilish smile on his face says, "I talked to your ex-husband, old Buffalo Bill." Darlene's eyes widen in horror. "He told me alllll about your days as a coke-dealing rodeo clown, Darlene Egelhoff. Or shall I say, Disco Darlene?" -GASPS!- "Look Spencer, I retired my hot pants and lasso. It's behind me." "Oh is it Darlene? Is it really? Something tells me I'm going to be seeing a whole lot less of you in me and Heidi's life from now on. Something tells me after our wedding, you're going to go back to Crested Butte and stay there. Forever." -Quick zoom to Darlene's face, Quick zoom to Spencer's face and SCENE-
Scene: Heidi's Bridal Shower
Yay. Champagne. Awkward sex jokes. Is Lauren coming to the wedding? More champagne. Insert adorable anecdote about Spencer. Vomit. Champagne. Ooo! Helpful subtitles! "I can't believe she's here." - Audrina. Wait, you can't believe who's here? Holly? Why wouldn't she be there, she's Heidi's sister? I thought they were friends. Didn't she live with her and Spencer for a while? Fuck! DAMN YOU BREAKFAST GROUP. Wait. False alarm. I went back and re-read the subtitle and it says: "I can't believe she's not here." Hm. I don't think they're talking about Lauren, as it would be more unbelievable if she were there. Is this another Holly reference? Ugh, I've lost interest completely. I'm distracted. Did Heidi just get a white bikini that says "Jesus" in rhinestones on the ass? If so, that was my thing first.
Scene: Dinner with Lauren and Brody
"Bro! Dawg! Yo! Homie! Homes! Brah! Son! Yo dawg homie homes brah son! Now I'm making farting noises with my mouth! Bro farty son homes bro!"
OK, I can't do it anymore, I have now turned on the sound to a very, very small peep.
Scene: Lunch with Brody and Spencer
I made out the words "bro," "homes," "dawg," and "therapy." God, I want a PBR.
Scene: People's Revolution; meeting between Laruen and Kelly Cutrone [Fuck this, I'm turning it up. When Kelly Cutrone speaks, I listen.]
Lauren quits. She's movin' on to bigger and better things (aka her own line in a Kohl's near you.) Kelly Cutrone's parting wisdom: "Just follow your instincts and be smart. And be brave and always tell the truth. And don't take any shit." Kelly Cutrone helps us as a people and a nation. And we thank her for it.
Scene: Rehearsal Dinner
Ummmmm, I can't wait for my sister to get married. Because now I don't have to worry about writing a toast for the rehearsal dinner; I'm takin' Holly's. It was classy from the moment she stood up, hiked up her boobs and said, "ching, ching, ching! I'M MAKIN' A SPEECH COCKSUCKERS!" and spat her chew into the bread basket. Then she kind of just drunkenly mumbled about how Spencer's always treated her like family.You know, like the creepy child molester uncle that she never had. Then she said something about Heidi being very religious and praying and digging in the dirt with twigs and berries asking God for a husband as a kid. The fuck? Either a.) I need whatever drugs Holly Montag is on or b.) it's time I go out back and dig in the dirt and ask God for a husband. I would prefer A happen, but I'm willing to keep an open mind.
This scene confuses me. I feel sort of bad for Heidi, Stephanie looks like the golden child and Spencer comes off as Ms. Manners. Black is white. Up is down. Someone needs to hold me.
Bbbbbbblah, blah, blah more scenes. Brody apologies to Stephanie. It was heartwarming. My heart was warmed. Reminder: Lauren will not be at the wedding. Totes don't forget that for future reference. Heidi had Holly give "a special guest" an invitation. I guess we're supposed to pretend we don't read US Weekly and know it's Kristen Cavallari. K. I can do that. I'm already pretending Lauren's not really coming and Lo doesn't have wonky eyes, so no big deal.
Jayde forgot her skirt. Brent Bolthouse forgot he's a douchebag. Spencer leads a prayer circle. I feel bad for God.
50 points to MTV for Stacie's caption:
Ooo! Justin shows up!
DOUBLE Ooo! Kristen Cavallari shows up!
Let me answer that for you: because she's the star of The Hills 2.0 coming Fall 2009.
And then Ted Danson shows up! And Jenna von Oÿ from TV's Blossom! And all sorts of other people you thought were dead! Because everyone and anyone was invited to this wedding!
But the biggest shocker of them all? (You may want to have a fainting couch handy for this one) LAUREN CONRAD COMES TO THE WEDDING AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know. I died. (Actually I did get a little misty, but I swear I'm just chopping onions in my office. It's a completely normal thing for me to do on a Tuesday.)
Heidi and Spencer got married. It was slightly disgusting and I couldn't stop imagining them having wedding night sex, which made me want to perform a self-lobotomy, but what can ya do? Love is a powerful thing.
Lauren jogged to her town car directly after the service. Kristen asked Lo and Audrina to hook her up with someone because she's single. She mentioned Justin Bobby seemed like a "stand up guy," RIGHT IN FRONT OF AUDRINA! Ughh...is this the teaser for next season? No thank you. Sorry Hills, but I'm getting in the limo with Lauren and we're not lookin' back. And if I do look back, it's just to see my homeboy 'Stache. And maybe uncle Doug. And the entertaining shit show that is Stephanie Pratt. And Justin Bobby's not too bad on the eyes. DAMNIT! WHY DOES THIS SHOW KEEP PULLING ME BACK?!?!