T.G.I. fuckin' Hagman. And this is your first T.G.I. Hagman, isn't it?! God, I'm so excited for you. I remember my first T.G.I. Hagman like it was yesterday. Sit back and get ready for the ride of your life...
As of 2:02pm on January 15, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive. WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111
And speaking of wins, last night's (double) episode of The Jersey Shore was pretty fuckin' sweet. I'm not gonna lie; I went into things a little skeptically. First of all, MTV: you need to stop doing these late-night double feature picture shows. As much as I love the idea of two new episodes of The Jersey Shore, I physically can not stay awake until midnight on a week night anymore. I just don't have the stamina. I have to be up at 7:30 in the morning, it had been a long day at work, I had just had a few cocktails at dinner, I skipped my morning Benefiber that day...I just think it's a lot to ask of me. Then you have the fact that last night's first episode started with a bunch of Ronnie/Sammi relationship crap that I was in no god given way interested in. I would rather watch two people Papier-mâché a piñata in tense silence for 15 minutes. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that that genuinely sounds more interesting. Plus, I've been a little uncomfortable with how popular The Jersey Shore has become recently. Remember the days when everybody was so offended by it and advertisers were pulling their spots left and right and it felt so wrong it had to be right? Sigh...I miss those days. Now it's all super mainstream, the cast is overexposed, I didn't see AN single commercial for Body Heat cologne last night and 'eh...it just makes me nervous. I just wasn't feelin' it going into last night's episode(s). But, I was happily surprised. Last night's episode(s) reminded me why I fell in love with The Jersey Shore in the first place. It's like The Jersey Shore and I are a couple who've been dating for a few years and stopped having sex and everything's become so routine, but all we needed was a romantic weekend alone in the Poconos to reconnect and rekindle our fiery passion. Well I'm back baby, and I'm sorry I ever doubted this relationship. Now get on that bed...I'm gonna recrap the living shit out of you.
Episode 7: What Happens in the AC
UGH. Vom. Episode 7 opens with a Ronnie and Sammi wrapping up their drama from the end of last week's episode. I'm not going to lie, I kind of zoned out and started plucking my eyebrows at this point, so I'm going to go ahead and skip like 15 minutes into the show after they (obviously) made up and everything was back to normal. Deal? Deal. Tweeze? Tweeze.
The gang goes out the next night to see Pauly D guest spin at a local clerb. It was one of those magical nights where everybody hooked up. (God I miss those nights...) Even the two people in the house who never hook up were hookin' up! AND MOZEL TOV, BABY! Snooki hooked up with an Irish cowboy named Keith (no, but like...for realz) and Vinny was hanging out with Tanya (of Boss Danny's date, fame) for the third time. Which means he matched the longest relationship I've ever had in my life, so a tip of the hat to you, sir. The gang rounds up whatever creatures they've caught in their trawl and head back to the house. Tanya and Vinny start snuggling sweetly in the hammock but are slightly distracted by Mike and his date, Paula, who are fucking ass-to-mouth four feet away from them in the hot tub. Snooki and Cowboy O'Hoolihan join them on the roof and Mike decides there's now too much of an audience and it's time to take Paula to his bedroom. (Ahh, the secluded privacy of night vision cameras.) As Mike leads Paula down the stairs, she slips and 100% faceplants. But don't laugh, you guys, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE! And it is not funny. One time in Junior year of high school, Talia and I went over to this kid Ryan's house who had a treehouse in his back yard that was like...a miniature version of his actual house with fully working electricity and everything. (It's normal, go with it.) I didn't want to go up in the tree house because, obviously, I was going to fall trying to get back down. I mean, I'm me; it's a given. Giving in to peer pressure as most girls in their Junior year of high school do, I went up. About fifteen minutes later as I descended the recently rained on wooden steps leading down from the treehouse, my J-Crew rubber flip-flops of death gave out underneath me and I went tumbling down the stairs and body-planted on the stone patio. Not only was this highly embarrassing on a level that I'm still not ready to emotionally confront, it was extremely painful. Talia, Ryan and Talia's then boyfriend Greg, however, were craaaaaaacking up while I tried laugh it off and fight back tears. The next day I had to take the ACT's (because of course I did) and I couldn't concentrate on the test because every single muscle in my body felt like it had been hit by a truck and the throbbing pain was all I could think about. From that day on, I vehemently refused to go to any parties at Ryan's house because it was the scene of The Incident. So traumatic. I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day. This incident is on par with the Ziplock bag/Goldfish story in how it still makes me feel really anxious to think about. Christ. Why was I talking about this in the first place? Where am I? What am I doing? Oh, yes! Blog. Recapping.
So everyone bangs out and it's all good and fun until the next morning when Paula's friend Lauren comes a-knockin' on the door. It turns out Paula overslept and missed her first day at work. Lauren proceeds to ream Paula out in a way that was so over dramatic it makes me wonder if they planned it and The Situation deals with the entire...situation...by hiding in the shower until they leave. And speaking of The Situation being kind of a douchebag! Everyone in the house hates him and things are starting to get rull tense. The Situation makes fun of Vinny for being so creepily close to him in proximity last night when he was hooking up in the hot tub, which I think is slightly bizarre considering how he routinely fucks girls in a twin bed seperated from Pauly D's twin bed by a gap the size of a Kit-Kat, but who am I to judge? Then this pithy little dialogue exchange goes down:
Vinny to The Situation: I would never wanna be like you when I'm 27, bro.
The Situation to Vinny: Whatever bro, you have no game.
Vinny to The Situation: That's not what your sister said.
And as per my notes: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!
The Situation LOLs it off, J-Woww tapes a pair of neon yellow spandex biker shorts from 1994 across her nips and calls it a shirt and they all head out to meet up with (speaking of...) Mike's sister at the clerb.
Ok. There's some drama. Let's break it down:
The Situation/Ronnie/Sammmi: I mean, do you really care? In a nutsthell: The Situation tries to start shit between Ronnie and Sammi but true love conquers all. DONE. Do you mind if we just leave it at that? Ok, good. THNX.
Vinny: Vinny is Flirts McGirts with The Situation's little sister Melissa, not only because he likes her but also because it pisses The Situation off. "The fact that she's Mike's sister makes it so much better...it makes it the funniest thing," he giggles. OH VINNY! Vinny's little plan works wonderfully until TANYA, of Boss Danny's date fame, walks into the club and sees Vinny with Melissa. OH SHIT, YOU GUYS!!!1 Tanya pounces on Vinny in an effort to mark her territory and wordlessly tell Melissa to step the fuck off. Melissa obviously gets all bummed out, which pisses of The Situation even more. To quote The Situation, "I'm pissed off because he's not taking care of my sister." This seems like a slightly odd thing to say. I can understand being pissed because Vinny's leading his sister on, but not because he's not tending to her biblical needs. If Geoff broke up with Becca tomorrow, I don't think I'd go over to his place of work with a baseball bat all, "NOW WHO'S GONNA GET HER OFF, ASSHOLE?!?!?!" In the end, Vinny weighs his options and decides to go home with Melissa because "she's a sure thing." But then again Tanya has a dolphin tattoo on her arm...sooooooo...we're not really talkin' Sophie's Choice here.
Pauly D: Meets a nice Jewish Israeli girl named Danielle. He takes her home and invites her upstairs but she declines saying "we've got to wait for marriage, right?" At this point the camera zooms in on Pauly D's flabbergasted face and MTV inserts an ethnically-charged grunting noise. (God, I wish my job was to put ironic sound bytes in episodes of The Jersey Shore. How do I make that happen?) Despite Danielle's chastity belt, he's still interested because he "likes a challenge."
Unfortunately Pauly D doesn't have much time to chase Danielle around the hoopa, because the next day the gang heads to Atlantic City for the weekend to escape the stress and strife of selling t-shirts on the boardwalk once a week and refilling Valtrex prescriptions. The boys obviously pack an emasculating number of outfit changes with them. "I like my clothes like I like my women: options," The Situation jokes. "You like your women like you like your clothes: dirty!" Vinny jabs back. "I like my men like I like my estranged fathers in Lifetime movies: emotionally unavailable!" Meg adds, bringing the jovial mood to an awkward halt.
That night the gang goes out to dinner and things go from bad to worse. As with all fights on The Jersey Shore, things start out with some good natured ribbing and take a sudden turn for Seriousville fast. Vinny and The Situation give each other shit for a while until Snooki dives in on the fun and tells Mike that nobody in the house likes him and he can go fuck himself, please pass the rolls. "Don't worry honey, you got a couple," The Situation says. And eeeeeeshhhh...Snooki used to have an eating disorder. WAMP, WAMP! Snooki leaves the table crying and old J-Woww runs after to console her while the rest of the table lets Mike know exactly how fucked up that was. Oh J-Woww. This is going to sound heinously offensive and I don't mean it to be, but this scene made me miss Talia a lot. I know that sounds horrible, but I see a girl with a flat stomach, blond hair and giant boobs wiping the tears away from the eyes of a hot little black-haired mess and it's like, shit—how many times has that been us? Everyone has a friend like J-Woww. And god bless the J-Woww's of the world.
Feeling guilty, The Situation apologizes to Snooki, who cautiously accepts. To celebrate, J-Woww changes outfits and I swear to god puts the following on: acid wash jeans with giant frayed holes on the thighs, a large bedazzled belt and a plaid shirt completely unbuttoned, tied directly under her giant, professionally augmented breasts. At this point somewhere in Washington, DC, a blogger laying in her bed wearing Jack Daniel's pajama pants and a wife beater starts a slow clap.
Drama Guide:
Snooki: Falls off a couch and it's kind of funny.
Vinny: Hooks up with a token ho, goes to the bathroom and The Situation pulls a "Robbery Move" (meaning he swoops in and grabs her for himself.) Later, Vinny asks Mike: "HOW DOES MY DICK TASTE BRO?!" and I fell out of my bed laughing. So there's that.
Ronnie/Sammi: Fuck if I know and fuck if I care.
J-Woww: YOWZAHS. Homegirl partakes in one too many libations and has to purge in the bathroom. After she's done, she finds Mike and although she's beastly sorry to interrupt his evening, politely asks if he would be so kind as to squire her back to the room, as she has taken ill and a Lady never leaves an establishment such as this alone. Mike ever-so-rudely declines the offer and goes back to finger banging a complete stranger on the couch where so many complete strangers have been finger banged before. Miffed, J-Woww slaps Mike across the face with her riding glove and is escorted out by security, Mike laughing at her misfortune all the way. Once back at the Inn, The Dutchess Woww regails Master Ronnie and Lady Sweetheart with the tale and decrees: "I shall throw a punch and then retire to bed!" And that's exactly what she does. Mike comes home, she punches him in the face, says "goodnight" and goes to bed.
Thus ends this chapter of Crapsterpeice Theater.
Episode 8: One Shot
Ok, I have a comment. Remember in Real World Seattle when Stephen slapped Irene and it was like the most disturbing thing the world had ever seen since Jesus' crucifixion and the producers stepped in and showed the footage to the rest of the house and Lindsey covered her face and cried and the house had an emotional group meeting about whether or not they felt safe living in the same house as Stephen? Yeah. What a bunch of fuckin' pussies. Ok, moving on!
So the drama from AC is temporarily forgotten and Vinny and Pauly D celebrate by hitting the boardwalk to chase some skirt. They meet a bunch of token ho's who are out cruising for henna tattoos and cartilage piercings (that's not me being an asshole, by the way. That's really what they were up to,) and decide they're worth pursuing. While everyone is walking around and flirting, Pauly D's would-be Israeli girlfriend shows up out of nowhere. He promises if she leaves he'll call her later and she does so. Until she comes back with a homemade "I [Star of David with the Italian flag behind it] Jewish Girls" t-shirt for him. And oh. My. Lolz. I absolutely plan on making a t-shirt that says, "I [Star of David with the Italian flag behind it] The Jersey Shore" as soon as humanly possible. Pauly D tells Danielle to go home again and once again she does. Pauly goes on a ride with a token ho and the second he gets off the ride, guess who's back? Yep. Yentl. She runs up to Pauly and starts kissing and hugging him like he's her boyfriend. To quote Wedding Crashers, "We got a stage 5 clinger on our hands. Hello?? Did you hear me? I said stage 5: virgin!" Pauly D and Vinny call the night a wash and head back to the house where Danielle proceeds to call repeatedly. Pauly begs Vinny to answer the phone and pretend to be The Situation, prompting one of the most hilarious scenes in television history. This show deserves an Emmy based on Vinny's spot-on impression of The Situation alone. Not quite getting the hint, Danielle continues to quack the phone off it's beak all night and it's 3-parts hilarious, 1-part incredibly sad.
Bored out of their minds, The Situation and Pauly D decide to prank Snooki and Vinny by putting gross shit under their beds. They put sliced pickles under Snooki's bed and a stink bomb concotion consisting of "grated cheese, milk, Supreme dressing, pickle juice and mayo" called "Hatorade" under Vinny's bed. I mention this only because there's a beautiful moment when Mike and Pauly have just successfully put the pickles under Snooki's bed and are in the living room giggling at their own genius when Mike breaks the fourth wall, looks directly into the camera and whispers "That was a lot of pickles.......that was a lot of pickles," while slowly nodding his head in self-satisfaction. If someone could figure out how I can get The Situation whispering "That was a lot of pickles" to be my ringtone, I would greatly appreciate it.
The next day Pauly finally decides to take Danielle's call. She chews him out for "playing her" and like a housewife on Oxygen's Snapped, Pauly has had enough and let's Danielle know exactly how much of a psycho she is. And let me tell you, this scene is fucking cinematic magic. Better than Gone With The Wind. My absolute favorite part is when Pauly D shouts: "You stalked my entire life at the boardwalk. I WENT ON ONE RIDE, GOD BLESS ME IT'S SUMMER!!!!" Oh my fucking god. I was dying. Dying! It's gotten to the point where I feel completely guilty watching this show alone because nobody should laugh this hard or this loudly watching reality television alone in their apartment. From now on I won't drink or watch Jersey Shore alone anymore. Both are a symptoms of a larger problem.
That night there's some more The Situation/Ronnie/Sammi love-traingle drama but who gives a flying fuck, so let's move on to the night after that. The gang goes out to the clerb and in desperate need of an HBI, Snooki wears a straight-up corset and hot pants. She seriously looks like someone's Halloween costume, but whatevs. It suits her. Old Danielle stalks Pauly down at the club to let him know how much of a stalker she isn't and bless his summer heart, he loves the challenge and invites her home with him anyway. As the gang heads home, a group of token ho's passes by and re: Snooki's outfit shouts, "Go back to New Jersey or New York with your trampy outfits!" Trying to have Snooki's back, Sammi starts yelling shit back at the girls and out of nowhere an all-out brawl explodes. A few random security people break up the fight and the gang continues to walk home until suddenly one of the random guys from the brawl is back and shouts another insult at the cast. In .2 seconds flat, Ronnie RUNS him down, punches the Christ out of his facehole and skuttles away sideways like a crab while repetedly shouting, "THAT WAS ONE SHOT, BRO! THAT WAS ONE SHOT!"
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't slightly badass. But, this is America and you can't just go around beating the Christ out of people's faceholes and skuttling away like a crab, so the fuzz steps in, puts Ronnie in cuffs and hauls his ass away. Which was kind of a comical image because he was wearing a gay little Ed Hardy t-shirt at the time with giant angel wings on the back. It kind of makes you wonder, what kind of asshole cop arrests an angel?
FIN.
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