Remember yesterday when my bosses were like, "Hey fuck up! We're coming in this afternoon to have A TALK with you, so start shitting your pants now!"? Welp, THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP! That's right. I sat here all day on pins and needles, stomach dropping to butt every single time the elevator doors opened, for nothing. That being said, I know for a fact that Boss #1 is coming in today because she has a meeting from 3:30-4:30. So I guess THE TALK will come after that? Ugh, I don't know. My stomach is killing me. I feel like I'm a little kid who's done something wrong and I'm waiting for my dad to come home and punish me. I wonder what Boss #1 will think when she comes in and finds me in a onesie holding a belt with hot tears streaming down my face?

So, this TALK can go one of two ways: they're either going to straight-up fire me or they're going to chew me out for what happened yesterday. And the thing is, I'm going to have a very hard time not telling them exactly where they can shove their wood samples if it's the latter. Because what happened yesterday was genuinely not my fault to the point where it's almost comical. Almost. Here's the deal: we have this random old table in our backroom that's on wheels. Boss #2's mom (who shares the same first name as Boss #2, which I think is slightly odd) came in yesterday to pick up the table. She came in, I said
¡hola!, pointed to the table, said ¡gracias! and went back to my desk. Unfortunately, old Boss #2 Senior didn't unlock the wheels before rolling the table out and scuffed up the floor pretty badly as a result. But for the sweet love of Hay-Zeus Christo, I only just found out that we even had that table, nevertheless that it had locked wheels! Shouldn't Boss #2's mom have noticed the wheels weren't moving and, oh I don't know, unlocked them? Or said something to me? In the words of my mother: "Meghan, you've got a mouth; use it." (That's what...she...said? Shudder, shudder. No. Not when it involves my mom and my mouth.) So that's why I'm in trouble. Because "I" ruined the floors. I seriously felt like I was on glue when Boss #2 yelled at me yesterday. All I wanted to do was break down and scream, "BUT YOUR MOM DID IT!" Unfortunately it's way harder than one would think to pass the blame onto your boss' rickity old mom.

What I'm chalking all this mishegoss up to is it's just one more time when I have to shoulder the blame for something that's not my fault because I'm the office's whipping boy. Or girl. And that shit's gettin' old rull fast. Yes I need a paycheck, but I also need to not have an ulcer anymore. So if I don't get fired today, I'm going to quit. That's a lie. Well, I don't know. Maybe. Oh my god. Zantac and Puppy Cam are the only things keeping my shit together at this moment.

OH AND BTDUBBS! This is my Washington Post horoscope for today:

Aries March 21 - April 19

For Thursday, January 21 -Testy? Cranky? Who, you? Just because the planet in charge of your sign just so happens to be Mars, the ancient god of war? No way. It's not that you're irritable. It's just that 'the opponents' -- those of us who happen to inhabit the extra space in your world -- are just so darned uncooperative. Don't take any guff from these intruders. Put 'em right in their place.

OH. SHIT. The Cliffs Notes for that horoscope would simply say: Bitches better ACKRITE. From your mouth to God's ears, Washington Post. However, I sort of want to hold onto this job a liiiiittle bit longer for one reason and one reason only: Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker. Shocking, I know, considering we've been on the outs recently, but we had the most bizarre and intriguing conversation yesterday. I haven't had a non-work related conversation with Russell in a month of Sundays, but suddenly yesterday he walked over to my desk and said, "You know, my birthday is at the end of the month, I accept gift cards." I managed to cough out a courtesy laugh and said that was "exciting" for him. "Yeah, well this birthday is a big one for me. A really, really important one." "Do you mind if I ask how old you're turning?" I asked, thinking it must be 35 or 40. "37," he answered. Huh. 37. I wouldn't really define 37 as a "big" birthday in people's lives. It's not really a milestone. That's actually the most random age I can possibly think of. These thoughts in my head were reflected in the "HUWHHH?!" look on my face. "I made myself a promise a lot time ago that I would do something by the time I'm 37," he explained. "I said, 'I gotta do this. And Imma do it when I'm 37. [Slams fist on table] That's my deadline.' Gotta do it. And I'm ready to do it." He stopped talking. I stared at him with an "AND??" look on my face but he just looked down and continued organizing his papers. "So.........what are you going to do?" I asked. "Oh I don't think it's appropriate to tell you," he answered and walked away. AND WALKED. AWAY. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! How evil is that?? Why would you bring it up if you didn't want to talk about it?! Wouldn't it just be easier to just not say anything at all? It's like when people tell you that somebody told them a secret, and you're like "Oh man! What is it?" and they get a smug look on their face and are like, "Oh I can't tell you." THEN WHY DID YOU BRING IT UP?! Christ. However, the wheels in my head started turning later that afternoon and now I'm wondering...what if, at 37 years young, Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker is going to come out of the closet?? I mean, the man is outrageously homophobic and once said he doesn't eat cream cheese because it "tastes like sperm." I don't think it's that far of a reach. I've always suspected he might be a Down Low Brotha. The thing is, if I get fired today or quit before the end of the month, I'll never know! The curiosity would drive me insane! Is it worth staying in a job I despise just to find out if Russell is indeed a big 'ole homo?

Gah. Boss #1 just walked in. Guess we'll find out...


Patrick said...

Before you do anything else today.

Check this out.


Not only are Narwhals an animal, they've become a novelty food dish. I love this country.

Unknown said...

Pins, needles? That's what I'm on.

Anonymous said...

Yes, and now we're ALL on pins and needles wondering if he is indeed going to jump out of the closet! Please don't get fired!

Also, FWIW, if they fire you over ruined floors... my God, the unemployment agency is going to laugh hysterically. And so will all of your future employers. I don't think you would have to worry about finding another job.

Sabri said...

Floors?! Your ulcer is over floors?!
Sister you have sat through way too much talk about your boss's vajajay to be stressing over floors. That shit is a get-out-of-not-at-all-important-work-dramz free card.
Good luck from a Cannuck!

Sarah said...

Seriously?! THAT requires a TALK?!

If they fire you, you MUST come out about your blog.

And Russell? Getting a tattoo.

Or a butt lift.

Anonymous said...

My money is on Russel having promised himself he'd be married by 37. As he is no where near this goal (I'd assume, due to your tender descriptions of him), he will be purchasing a mail order bride from Moldova. You know, somewhere foreign, yet Caucasian. I'm guessing again here, but I'd bet he doesn't like "ethnic" looking women.

Anonymous said...

honestly, if my boss fired me over scratching a floor i would laugh hysterically and then punch them in the face. fo realz.

and i bet Russel is definitely going sky diving...or join the military because they don't allow gays there

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And Russell? Getting a tattoo.
He's a man of the Lord. Men of the Lord don't get tattoos or eat sperm-tasting cream cheese.

My money is on Russel having promised himself he'd be married by 37.
Married with three kids. I've met his wife. She's dumb as a box of hair. Or, "not all there" as Boss #1 says of her.

and i bet Russel is definitely going sky diving...or join the military because they don't allow gays there
He's an ex Marine, special ops. Crazy, right?

ryan said...

"I wonder what Boss #1 will think when she comes in and finds me in a onesie holding a belt with hot tears streaming down my face?"

This will definitely lead to a lot of visitors from Google who were looking for something VERY different.

PW said...

Well I hope you don't get fired, but even if you do this should still be able to make you laugh- http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2010/01/21/jwoww-of-the-jersey-shore-debuts-her-sexy-sophisticated-line-of-tops/

Anonymous said...

Meg - just wanted to say that we are all behind you (in a non prison way). If you do happen to get let go, I personally will send you 5 boxes of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal to help you during the transition and am sure other readers will do likewise. Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

if indeed you do per chance in fact end your employment, you must go out in a blaze of 'oh-ya-well-everyone-check-out-my-already-world-renowned-tell-all-blog-i-been-punkin-ur-asses-on-for-years-bitches!' glory.

and Russell's gonna go for an overtly quirky, recently thought up, 37 yr threshold activity. my guesses are:
a) eat something super common which he has an irrational fear of

b) have mad office sex with a co-worker

ok that one's not that quirky

Unknown said...

Let me just say that puppy cam has now ruined my life...or made it better either way

Anonymous said...

russell's starting a blog: Felch&Run.com

Deanna said...

Okay, I live in Hawaii now, but I lived in DC until the end of 2007. I too was fired from a job I hated, working for the most insane and inappropriate bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse, for reasons totally beyond my control. It sucks at the time because box wine doesn't buy itself, but they totally did me a favor. You will survive, with copious amounts of booze and a future book deal. Serious.

Margo said...

For reals, puppy cam makes everything ok. And getting fired over floors is officially the dumbest thing ever- so take them to the cleaners if it happens. After all, though it might suck now, it would give you plenty of time to get to work on the book!!

Katie said...

Can I just say that I think if you don't get fired you should not quit? I speak from personal experience on this...I got laid off on Nov. 30th and guess what? Still no job. Applied to a restaurant today and was literally told I was too educated and high class to work there. So yeah. If you have steady income, keep it steady while you look for a better job.

maggie said...

so, since i cannot function without 2b1b up-to-the-minute news, PLEASE tell us all what happened…and it's past 5 now so you're (previously?) 9-5pm ass best be bloggin right about now.

we're all behind you, girl, no matter how this goes. and as much as i would LOVE to hear that you went all karate kid on their asses, i do believe that the best revenge will come from the book you're going to write.

actually, now that i think about it, if you do get fired or quit, go ahead and stick a 2b1b sticker on their desks on your way out…ya, definitely

JillyB said...

You so famous that people in North Carolina are dying to know what happened in your "meeting." I am 100% for pointing out that Senora Boss #2 is the offender in this situation. Homegirl needs to handle her mamacita.

eriks said...

scary scary scary!!!! The first thing I thought of when Russell said he was going to "do something big" I think of something very bad involving guns. Is that wrong?

vickichristine said...

ohmagod. too hilarious!

Jenny G said...

Well? What happened? AND..is there really a 2b1b sticker? I want one...

Sabri said...

re:2birds stickers. There do exist and they rock. If you voted in last year's blogger awards Meg wrote notes (even to us Cannucks!) and mailed em. They're a thing of beauty!

Stephanie: proudly displaying 2birds1blog stickers in Louisiana said...

re: re:2birds stickers. What Sabri said. I just wanted to flaunt that I have some too & do my 2birds1blog stickers dance. I'm doing it right now. (The handwritten notes that came with were the best part though. MEG IS AWESOME!!!!!)

Anonymous said...

omg, my bf and i got in an honest-to-god fight when i saw his jager ball sticker in the trash. needless to say, i rescued and now have 2. :)

Jenny G said...

I just started following this and didn't vote. Is it possible or the awesome Meg to send me a sticker?

J said...

Well Meg, good news.

The census is hiring. Bet they pay better than your job, and you probably don't have to deal with the same crazy fools every day-- just different ones. You'd also be provided with an abundance of never-ending material.

Good luck girl.

maria said...

something happened to me today that I feel like might happen to you. no offense.

I'm at my work study job, where I've been working for the past three years, but just got moved to a different floor. I basically sit around reading blogs all day (hey there) until my superiors remember that they forgot to give me shit to do. a few minutes ago, an older woman came up and introduced herself, and instead of just minimizing the screen, I got all panicky. of course when I scrolled down to hide a slightly offensive picture, a much more highly offensive eye sore replaced it. she seemed surprisingly nonplussed, which I found shocking since when I looked back and saw it, it was an effort for me to suppress my gag reflex, and I'm sure she must have noticed it.

Unknown said...

"However, the wheels in my head started turning later that afternoon..."

good thing they weren't locked.

maggie said...

re: erik sweet
well played, good sir!

Unknown said...

Ahhhh! I can't handle the suspense, PLEASE update us!

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