5.27.2010

Guest Blogger — The Sexual Misadventures of our Merch Store Competition Winner

When I was living in DC the year after I graduated, I was at work one day perusing facebook when I noticed that a girl who was a freshman when I was a senior was also in DC doing a summer internship. So I naturally poked her (on facebook, get your mind out of the gutter). She poked me back and then sent me a message saying how we needed to get together for a drink. I invited her to my buddy's party, and we each did a shot of tequila and started sucking face in the corner. Typical, right?

She whispers in my ear that she wants to take me home, so we jump in a cab, and she tells the cabbie to take us to Tenleytown. Since I'm making out with her, I don't notice where we are going. The car pulls up to a big brick building, and we get out. It was then that I noticed that we were at a
motherfucking American University Dorm. We walk in, and she gets takes me past the security man up to the room. We knock on the door, she goes in, turns around, and with a sheepish look says "My roommate is home."

My natural instincts kick in, and I turn around and zone in on the dorm common area down the hall. I pull her in and throw her on one of those horrible college couches that are "fire retardant" and are packed with stuffed up toilet paper and styrofoam peanuts. I turn off the lights and try to close the door, but there is no door. So I think to myself "Eh, it is late, no one will walk by."


So I'm sitting down on the couch, with her lying across my lap, and we're making out. I decide to make a move and put my hand on her leg.


"Mmmmm," she moans.

Inside my head, I'm saying, "What in the fucking fuck? Who the fuck moans when someone touches their leg near their KNEE?"

So I move my hand up a little farther...she responds with an "Mmmmm ohhhh yeah oh my gawwwwd."

What? Huh? What the hell is going on? My hand is literally over her pants on her leg. I move it up closer to her ladyparts, and she starts full on screaming, "Oh yeah motherfucking my god oh my god."

It was then that the night took the most interesting turn of all. I find a small hole in the crotch of her jeans, tear it open ever so slightly, move the underwear to the side, and start fingering her. Through a hole in her jeans.

At this point, she is convulsing and screaming like someone in an insane asylum. I keep fingerblasting, and hear a noise behind me. I turn around and a group of people have gathered at the door and are watching us. I awkwardly shrug and keep going. When she is...done...we get up and I walk her back to her door.

She turns to me with a worried look on her face and says to me, "Jesus. You just took my virginity!"

Time out. What? All I did was finger this chick. Yeah, it was through a hole in her jeans, but I was fully clothed the whole time.

So I break the news to her. "Um no, we didn't have sex. Sorry?"

She responds, "Yes, oh my god, Jesus, you popped my cherry. You took my virginity."

By now I am freaking out and thinking that I am going to be wrongfully arrested for rape or something, so I take my hand out and say "I didn't pop your cherry, look at my fingers. No blood!"

She then looks at me and starts saying, "Blood? Blood? Oh my god Blood! BLOOD! OH MY GOD BLOOD!"

Now I'm screaming, "NO! NO BLOOD! NO BLOOD!" while she's screaming "BLOOD! BLOOD!"

I flip out and run down the hall with my hands flailing in the air, looking for any means of escape.

When I got home, I felt so awkward and strangely guilty about this situation that I emailed the girl at 3am to ask her out to dinner so we can have The Talk about the birds and the bees, and I can make sure she isn't going to have me arrested. This is while scenes of me in jail for molestation are flashing through my head.

And a week later, I finally did take her virginity. For real. In a bed that I rolled into my dining room. Because that is how it should be done.

(PS: I recently found out that she is a lesbian. No joke. What the hell?)

248 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 248   Newer›   Newest»
Laura said...

pete--creatively fingering straight girls gay since the turn of the century. sadly for pete but lucky for us, there is SO much more where this came from!

Sarah said...

Wait. I'm confused. There is no mention of her race, and he didn't give her an offensive name, such as Ass Breath.

However, this sexual misadventure was as comfortable as a curtain.

Dan C. said...

Did you at least get some applause from the audience?

Shoshana said...

Kevin Yang was the cabbie.

Meg @ write meg! said...

The best part is that he did go on to sleep with her. I mean, no judgment -- but wow!

7 said...

Meh.

Anonymous said...

Kevin Yang was watching at the door. Only he wasn't a student.

Unknown said...

I can't believe he slept with her after that! Plus, I feel like I need a follow-up, did she freak out when you ACTUALLY took her virginity? Did she become a stage 5 clinger? Did you hook up again after taking her virginity? So many unanswered questions.....

Katie said...

That was awesome in many ways. My favorite being that you did end up taking her virginity.

Ali said...

It is just me, or does this girl sound slightly psychotic? Which all the more surprised me when I read that he ended up taking her actual virginity later. But I do hear that the crazy ones are good in bed.

Unknown said...

you. win.

obvs

NotablyNeurotic said...

I'm giving you a standing ovation for the simple fact that this god-awfully awkward situation didn't happen to ME.

Dan C. said...

What's the term for taking someone's fingering virginity... fing-ginity?

Shopping Problem said...

Love the merch store! But why are there 3 birds on the 2 Birds, 1 Blog logo?

Mrs. P said...

I am also confused by the 3 birds...?

Evan said...

For those of you STILL confused by the three birds: http://tinyurl.com/39pxx4f

Kim said...

I too want to hear the sequel.

And I assume that the three birds and two lines is a representation of the DC flag with has three stars and two lines. I like it.

Adria said...

This was...fantastic!

Unfortunately, I just remembered a story of my own that rivals this. Makes me mad I didn't remember a week ago and send it in. Gonna email to you biatches anyway...hope you love it.

Rach said...

I find the most interesting aspect of the story to be the existence of the hole in the crotch. It was big enough for a finger (or two... or tres?... along with vertical thrust) to fit into... this girl is a half-ho fo' sho. She is what some might deem a phalange-phreak.

Respect.

Sarah said...

Just checked my Google Analytics keywords for the month. No shit, someone found my blog yesterday by googling "Kevin Yang cupcake."

I feel racist by association.

Shopping Problem said...

Ohhh, I understand the 3 birds now! I'm from California and didn't catch the nod to DC. Cute!

Unknown said...

He STILL slept with the girl after that? She must have been bangin.

Anonymous said...

Kevin Yang was sitting on the couch.

Ed said...

If you finger a girl into lesbianism, you're doing it wrong.

Unless you too are a lesbian.

Then its like being a vampire and turning someone with a bite on the neck.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://ylptbedcju.007gb.com/yiuteampckq.html] resume [/url] :: [url=http://avkmndqp.0009.ws/vamuyqjoe.html] housing [/url] :: [url=http://ivqabcrju.55sites.net/omijch.html] bracelet [/url] :: [url=http://oijeacdprbm.321webs.com/pudjn.html] diabetes [/url] :: [url=http://yptqkinlsbo.1-2-3host.com/inuajqtsvf.html] square [/url] :: [url=http://macpjubidot.justfree.com/uniboceyj.html] stamps [/url] :: [url=http://vdfrijms.justfree.com/dnouksriaq.html] recorder [/url] :: [url=http://fodbqarnt.00sites.net/jfvyecnrbt.html] effects [/url] :: [url=http://oiavjcdfmu.007gb.com/canvlm.html] symphony [/url] :: [url=http://srydjbupoqm.hostaim.com/ksjvqh.html] greeting [/url] ::

Anonymous said...

2744496 59


yoga for weight loss

Dan Staley said...

I mean, that just sounds like a typical night at American University to me. Fingering the virginity out of a girl while rest of her floor watches.. and now she's a lesbian. Yep, sounds about right.

Anonymous said...

wow gold
wow gold
[url=http://buywowgold.ru/]wow gold[/url]

Anonymous said...

valium online no prescription valium price on the street - generic medication valium

Anonymous said...

buy generic ativan ativan withdrawal neonates - what does generic ativan look like

Anonymous said...

order ativan ativan vs. xanax for panic attacks - ativan xanax conversion

Anonymous said...

generic tramadol tramadol get u high - tramadol toothache

Anonymous said...

order ativan online normal daily dosage ativan - maximum ativan dosage alcohol withdrawal

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol for dogs safe - buy tramadol extended release

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol medication online - best online pharmacy tramadol

Anonymous said...

cheap lorazepam lorazepam 1mg para que sirve - uses of drug ativan

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online matthew good ativan overdose - ativan to help quit smoking

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without a script tramadol 50mg zydol - tramadol 50mg side effects dogs

Anonymous said...

tramadol online cod tramadol 100mg get you high - tramadol 50 mg prn

Anonymous said...

buy generic klonopin get best high klonopin - klonopin package insert

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol hcl reviews - best site buy tramadol

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100 mg tramadol er 100mg - tramadol ultram over the counter

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol online pharmacy - tramadol dosage instructions

Anonymous said...

ativan pharmacy ativan good high blood pressure - ativan withdrawal taper schedule

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol high good - tramadol online with cod

Anonymous said...

lorazepam no prescription ativan overdose amount how much - ativan many get high

Anonymous said...

columbian dating service http://loveepicentre.com/taketour.php 20 questions dating

Anonymous said...

buy zolpidem ambien withdrawal rebound insomnia - safe to buy ambien online

Anonymous said...

generic ambien ambien side effects hunger - ambien drug screen

Anonymous said...

order soma online soma inn cafe - generic soma 350

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online is ordering tramadol online illegal - tramadol hcl 50mg get you high

Anonymous said...

ambien online cheapest place buy ambien cr - ambien cr dosage

Anonymous said...

generic klonopin online klonopin side effects ejaculation - quickly does klonopin start working

Anonymous said...

buy soma 350mg soma wiki - soma opiate

Anonymous said...

order ativan lorazepam 1 mg withdrawal - ativan your system

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol hcl nih - tramadol withdrawal emedicine

Anonymous said...

soma online soma muscle relaxer overdose - hair follicle drug test soma

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol ultram tramadol dosage extended release - tramadol dosage dogs 50 mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol free shipping tramadol withdrawal what to expect - buy tramadol online mastercard

Anonymous said...

klonopin klonopin side effects men - clonazepam generic names

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online with mastercard buy tramadol online cash on delivery - tramadol for dogs reviews

Anonymous said...

ambien online pharmacy ambien 10mg online - ambien zolpidem tartrate 10 mg

Anonymous said...

ambien online buy ambien no prescription overnight delivery - ambien cr trial

Anonymous said...

soma online buy soma online no prescription - soma 2012 results

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol 50 mg o 100 mg - can i get high off tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without prescriptions buy tramadol using mastercard - need purchase tramadol

Anonymous said...

tramadol cheap buy tramadol online cheap - tramadol to buy online

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol no prescription buy tramadol overnight saturday delivery - tramadol kick in time

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online how long does ambien 10 mg take to work - buy ambien online fast shipping

Anonymous said...

tramadol generic buy tramadol 100mg online - buy ultram online cod

Anonymous said...

tramadol online pharmacy cheap tramadol with cod - tramadol good

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online cheap ativan online no prescription - ativan dosage amounts

Anonymous said...

soma online deadly soma online movie - soma brand vs generic

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online when does generic ambien cr come out - ambien side effects yahoo

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin klonopin dosage high - side effects quitting klonopin

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without rx buy tramadol valium online - tramadol dosage maximum dose

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy tramadol online from india - best buy tramadol

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra online buy viagra online canadian pharmacy - cheap generic viagra online reviews

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol soma soma san diego as i lay dying - soma drug test time

Anonymous said...

is it safe to order viagra online buy viagra online lloyds pharmacy - order viagra from boots

Anonymous said...

buy viagra generic online to buy viagra online canada - viagra buy online germany

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online order pfizer viagra online - safe viagra online orders

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl 50 - buy tramadol online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online no rx ambien generic alternatives - buy ambien online no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

buy zolpidem online ambien pill effects - effectiveness generic ambien cr

Anonymous said...

soma online soma no prescription - soma 107

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online 2mg klonopin anxiety - generic pill for klonopin

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol online tramadol 50mg pain - tramadol hcl 200 mg er

Anonymous said...

buy viagra pills buy viagra costa rica - cialis vs viagra dosage

Anonymous said...

zolpidem no prescription ambien pills for sale - ambien sleep pill

Anonymous said...

viagra pharmacy buy viagra no prescription usa - equivalent of viagra for women

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online legally buy viagra san francisco - buy viagra online cheap

Anonymous said...

buy viagra super active viagra online pharmacy - can women buy viagra

Anonymous said...

klonopin cost klonopin green pill 93 833 - klonopin withdrawal lexapro

Anonymous said...

cialis online cheap cialis fast - cialis wholesale price

Anonymous said...

buy brand viagra online viagra 80 - viagra buy online forum

Anonymous said...

buy viagra using paypal viagra online buy uk - viagra patent expire date

Anonymous said...

buy viagra los angeles buy cheap viagra online us - how viagra for women works

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online can you buy viagra canada - viagra buy online

Anonymous said...

buy viagra generic viagra to canada - viagra for women information

Anonymous said...

buy viagra viagra online testimonials - buy viagra online yahoo answers

Anonymous said...

cialis online cialis online with mastercard - cialis 20mg online

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol purchase online no prescription - no prescription for tramadol

Anonymous said...

sildenafil without prescription cheap reliable viagra - cheap viagra next day

Anonymous said...

can you buy cialis over the counter buy cheap cialis online uk - cialis online genuine

Anonymous said...

how to buy viagra online without viagra dosage information - viagra for women mayo clinic

Anonymous said...

buy retin a micro retin a cream dose - retin a micro used for wrinkles

Anonymous said...

legal buy tramadol online tramadol for dogs is it safe - tramadol 50 mg how many get high

Anonymous said...

propecia pharmacy buy propecia toronto - minoxidil propecia results

Anonymous said...

how to buy cialis cialis 20mg price uk - cialis 10mg

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol tramadol hcl 50mg dosage for dogs - tramadol 50 mg qds

Anonymous said...

cheap generic propecia generic propecia nz - get propecia cheap

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol withdrawal peak - buy tramadol no prescription cod

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online purchase viagra singapore - buy viagra mastercard

Anonymous said...

propecia online propecia johnny depp - propecia cost walgreens

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol er 100mg tablets - tramadol keeps me awake

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a retin a gel in usa - retin-a micro is it good for wrinkles

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online propecia generic cost - dr reddy's generic propecia

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online buy tramadol online 100mg - buy tramadol online forum

Anonymous said...

cheap retin-a retin a cream generic name - retin a micro coupon

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online propecia ed lawsuit - cheap generic propecia uk

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol next day what are the best sites to buy tramadol online - tramadol withdrawal tiredness

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online without a prescription generic tramadol online - tramadol withdrawal nhs

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100mg buy tramadol in uk - tramadol dosage uses

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100mg buy tramadol online echeck - order tramadol cod overnight delivery

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100 mg tramadol addiction - tramadol hcl 50 mg tab

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol best site buy tramadol - tramadol 50 mg norge

Anonymous said...

discount propecia propecia side effects testosterone - propecia side effects dizziness

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a retin a acne scabs - retin-a walmart price

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online propecia generic usa - are propecia side effects common

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50 mg weight loss - tramadol hydrochloride 50 mg dog

Anonymous said...

buy propecia propecia side effects urination - how much does propecia cost on the nhs

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol online tramadol medication - addiction to tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy tramadol australia - buy tramadol cod fedex

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online reviews tramadol withdrawal while pregnant - legal buy tramadol usa

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online generic name of propecia - finasteride without prescription

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl side effects humans - buy tramadol direct

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online reviews ultram tramadol hydrochloride 50mg - using tramadol withdrawal opiates

Anonymous said...

buy generic propecia propecia best price - propecia online with prescription

Anonymous said...

tramadol online pharmacy tramadol dosage per pound - buy tramadol cod shipping

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online mastercard tramadol for dogs anti inflammatory - help for tramadol addiction

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol addiction + 2011 - tramadol no prescription free shipping

Anonymous said...

tramadol no prescription tramadol withdrawal weight loss - tramadol online ireland

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg tramadol 50mg tablets high - tramadol for dogs taste

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy-tramadol-overnight.com - tramadol back pain

Anonymous said...

generic viagra legal buy viagra online usa - order viagra online legal

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol kids getting high tramadol - tramadol apap 37.5 dosage

Anonymous said...

buy cialis buy cialis london - buy cialis 5 mg

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra order viagra online usa - viagra for young women

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra viagra dosage take - viagra online us cheapest

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription viagra 30 year old - buy viagra online without rx

Anonymous said...

sildenafil citrate buy viagra online from us - viagra online rpsgb

Anonymous said...

generic viagra online buy real viagra online - cheap viagra us no prescription

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy viagra johannesburg - viagra online without prescription- free shipping

Anonymous said...

buy sildenafil viagra dosage experience - buy viagra women us

Anonymous said...

cialis pharmacy buy cialis vancouver - cialis daily use 5 mg

Anonymous said...

order cialis online generic cialis e20 - buy cheap cialis line

Anonymous said...

generic viagra purchase viagra sri lanka - dosage of viagra tablets

Anonymous said...

generic cialis daily use cialis reviews - buy cialis with prescription

Anonymous said...

generic cialis buy cialis at boots - cialis daily nhs

Anonymous said...

buy cialis buying cialis online legal - cialis onset of action

Anonymous said...

order soma online what do soma pills look like - buy soma echeck

Anonymous said...

generic cialis buy cialis retail - once daily cialis side effects

Anonymous said...

buy soma online where to buy soma underwear - generic soma for sale

Anonymous said...

viagra online safe buy viagra online yahoo - can you buy viagra in dubai

Anonymous said...

buy soma online buy soma 350 mg online - can you buy soma online

Anonymous said...

discount viagra buy viagra stores us - buy viagra online next day

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com/map.php][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/2.jpg[/img][/url]
speed dating in new jersey [url=http://loveepicentre.com/]nicole spence online dating[/url] sex dating sites that are free
dating a paraplegic [url=http://loveepicentre.com/]us woman dating a croatian man[/url] is tanith belbin dating ean lysacek
dating a new man rules [url=http://loveepicentre.com/success_stories.php]mature lesbian dating florida[/url] bristol palin dating mark

Anonymous said...

soma for sale soma clothing sale - buy soma mastercard

Anonymous said...

viagra online how to order viagra from us - buy viagra online thailand

Anonymous said...

soma muscle relaxant soma no prescription arizona - soma drug test detection

Anonymous said...

generic soma soma youtube - soma catering costa rica

Anonymous said...

viagra no prescription viagra from us online - cheapest place buy viagra us

Anonymous said...

buy cialis cialis price mexico - buy cialis online in malaysia

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma rx online - soma logic

Anonymous said...

buy cialis can you buy cialis over the counter - cialis online generic pharmacy

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/11.jpg[/img][/url]
bi bbw dating sites [url=http://loveepicentre.com/advice.php]nc dating laws[/url] free dating 2008
big dating books collection rapidshare [url=http://loveepicentre.com]1st base dating[/url] divorced women and dating and trust
dating blue fish clothing labels [url=http://loveepicentre.com/taketour.php]pregnancy dating day 12 of cycle[/url] simgirls dating simulator 4.5

Anonymous said...

retin a cream retin a micro how to apply - retin a in usa

Anonymous said...

soma online buy somatropin online usa - soma osteopathic

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma 350 mg vs flexeril - soma costochondritis

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma zip code - soma san francisco

Anonymous said...

soma online erin soma san diego - buy soma no prescription overnight

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma handlebars - soma intimates online application

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma drug 250 mg - buy soma cod overnight

Anonymous said...

buy soma online buy soma spliffs - buy soma hair care

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online cialis overnight shipping - cialis with dapoxetine reviews

Anonymous said...

cialis drug cialis daily vs. 36 hr - cialis price boots

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap online buy tramadol cod personal check - tramadol dosage australia

Anonymous said...

generic tramadol online tramadol online overnight - buy tramadol usa

Anonymous said...

buy retin a cheapest retin a online - retin a cream acne usa

Anonymous said...

cheap cialis cialis instructions - cheap cialis australia

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol online buy tramadol online without rx - buy tramadol online with cod

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a online buy retin a micro gel - retin a cream rxlist

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol order tramadol line - tramadol dosage renal failure

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online does tramadol overdose feel like - buy tramadol london

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol online tramadol 50 mg and paracetamol - buy tramadol at walmart

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap online generic tramadol buy - tramadol dosage depression

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100 tramadol jaw pain - tramadol dosage headaches

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a online buy retin a online usa - retin a cream how long does it take to work

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without prescriptions tramadol tooth pain - buy tramadol online from canada

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 248   Newer› Newest»
 
Clicky Web Analytics