1.) You people need your shit and I need this off my plate before I have a brain aneurysm.
2.) I wasted both of my days off this week sitting in my apartment bored out of my mind, waiting for the god damn postman to come when I could have been on my roof drinking Miller High Life and attempting to become a slightly less offensive shade of white.
And I got a confirmation email both times that I scheduled a pick up! I THINK NOT. And it's from a do-not-reply email address, so I can't bitch at them. IT MAKES. NO. SENSE. I'm so frustrated. However, I'm committed to getting you your shit, so I'm waking up early Saturday morning, loading up my embarrassing old lady grocery cart with your merch orders and taking it to the post office before work. Let me repeat that: waking up early. Saturday morning. Before work. Old lady cart. So to everyone who opened a PayPal dispute with me, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
And now back to your regularly scheduled post.
Every now and then, I sit down and decide that I'm going to join an online dating site. Those match.com ads that are like, "TIME'S ARE A-CHANGIN'!!!! 1 IN 5 RELATIONSHIPS START ONLINE!!!! FOOTAGE FROM ACTUAL MATCH.COM FIRST DATES!!!!" are oddly convincing and if it's good enough for Lee and Ann-Marie, it should be good enough for me, right? Not to mention the fact that well over half of everyone I know has at some point been on, or is currently on an online dating website. And for Christ's sake; I've done it before! I joined match when I lived in Brooklyn and had a really good experience with it. (Although to be fair, I also had a really bad one, but that story is specially reserved for my hypothetical book that will never be.) (Unless Olney Elementary Press mans up and invests in my proposal.) (THE AND!)
I can't tell you how many times I've sat down at my computer with every intention of creating an online dating profile for myself, but everytime I do, two things stop me. And these two things will keep away me from online dating forever.
Because I'm sure that's too small to read, it says:
"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results."
Now, while I'm not arguing with the mathematics that Alex = good-looking (and per Alex, that dollar-sign can be removed upon request. And per me, that request costs a small fee, all proceeds going towards 2birds1blog.com.), that is the most absolutely terrifying email I have ever seen in my entire life. EVER. Because it means that if I sign up for OkCupid and don't receive that email, I am without a doubt in the "Busted McGee" tier of users and will only see photos of hunchbacks and drifters in my match results from now on. There will be no question about it. At least with match you can dilute yourself into thinking, "Oh, it's matching me with people who look inbred because I listed "The Tudors" as an interest, lolz!" but here there's really no ambiguity about it. You're busted. Ergo, you are being matched with busted people. Alex is attractive. Ergo, he gets matched with attractive people. Good day to you.
And you know what the most terrifying part of that entire email is?