12.02.2010

Cracked-Out Post Thursdays: Marginally better than No Post Thursdays

Full disclosure: It’s one o’clock in the morning, eighty degrees in my apartment, and Meg and I have been writing on a new project for two days straight. We’re not not cracked out; we just spent twenty minutes trying to figure out if “o’clock” is capitalized in a title, and if so whether the O or the C or both gets capitalized. (Conclusion: the hell with it.) Meg is now rolling on the floor with a globe under her shirt, talking about “how WEIRD it’s going to be if I’m ever pregnant and like my person is this big. My legs feel so petite compared to my Globe Baby. Shh, Globe Baby. Shhh.” We seriously considered presenting you with “The 2Birds1Blog Alphabet”:

A is for Aspie’s Clip

B is for Beav

C is for Co-Bloggers

D is for Diane McBlogger

E is for Evie…

…but then we decided to do it up right and build a little verse around it, so expect that for Valentine’s Day. (Meg is now chanting “Globe out my beav… globe out my beav… I feel really whole.”)

So, instead, we present an annotated list of what we’re dreading about the holiday season. I’ll be transcribing Meg’s answers, since she’s now giving herself a breast exam while lying in a pile of blankets on my floor. (“Honestly, I wouldn’t even know if I do have a lump. It’s all just a spongey question mark to me.”)

I personally am dreading certain Christmas songs. Forced to choose one, I’d say the worst Christmas song is “Unnamed Song from the Gap Christmas Music 2005.” I worked there, briefly (I quit when they transferred me to baby clothes) and this song came on ev-a-ry day. A woman with a syrupy voice would sing some generic crap about “snow” and “love” and end each verse, smugly, with “That’s Christmas to me.” Every line of hers was echoed by a children’s choir, except on the line “I hear the children singing,” when the children sang “Ooo-ooo.” It also included the line “When I awake at seven,” which infuriated me. I’m not ashamed of being a night person, and I’ll be damned if some dime-store Gap chanteuse is going to make me “awake at seven” to let the Christmas spirit wash all over me.

Meg: “I’m not looking forward to… If you get Doritos or spit on my computer, I’m going to have a fit. You know I have a thing about spit. I can’t be this stressed out in my condition. You know what ruins pornography for me? Spit. I hate to see spit. It’s the absolute worst. When I give a blow job, I try to keep it as clean as possible. I run a tight ship. Now put that on paper. And like, especially in cunnilingus – we make our own moisture! Why is the…” She’s talking about how much she hates saliva in porn faster than I can type, but I assure you if we ever do a podcast I’m bringing this back up for our first episode. “I swear to God, I could rant about spit and porn for hours. There are two things I could talk forever about. One is the irresponsibility of the show ’19 Kids and Counting’ and two is spit in porn. Those are my Achilles’ heels.”

“Do you have a song you hate?”

“’I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,’ because up until AN metric year ago I thought the mother was a giant whore and didn’t connect the dots that it was Dad in the Santa suit.  Originally I hated it for being about a broken home, but now I hate it for… reminding me… I’m not… the shiniest bulb on the tree, or something.”

“What else do we hate? Salvation Army bellringers?”

“More my mom accusing me of losing the Muppet Christmas Carol soundtrack every single year since 1995? Kind of like how my entire life she accused me of stealing forks from the kitchen and hiding them in my room. Why in the sweet name of Christ would I want to hoard forks? Like my big, secret evil plan from ages five to 15 was to slowly collect a complete set of Mikasa forks and assemble a piece of abstract art or some shit.”


“Hey, you know what phrase makes me uncomfortable?


“What?


Trippin’ balls.


And then we laughed and laughed and laughed for, in retrospect, no real reason at all and fell asleep. Some of us with large globes stuffed up our shirts. Which made rolling over in the middle of the night rather interesting. This post was pretty much worthless, except it gave me the idea to write an uncomfortably graphic rant about spit in porn for tomorrow’s post. GET EXCITED!!!!1

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. I am 23 years old and a college graduate and it has NEVER, EVER occurred to me that Mommy was kissing Dad in a Santa costume. I would say I'm glad you finally pointed this out to me... only now I feel like a giant waste of life and college tuition.

Cassie said...

I can't say I ever picked up on the fact that it was Daddy in the Santa costume, either.

Is there a similar explanation for Santa Baby? I find Santa Baby significantly more disturbing.

Jane said...

I had the SAME issue with Mommy kissing Santa Claus! That song really upset me as a kid. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone in that.

becca said...

THIS is when i realized it was actually dad in a santa costume. thank you for opening my eyes...and don't feel bad about not getting it, because CLEARLY you weren't the only one. :)

Anonymous said...

I could go on and on about 19 kids and counting! The poor oldest girls, they are 100% raising all the littlest kids. So much for a childhood. Also, how it is that this family has a Joy-Anna AND a Johannah, but not a Jennifer?!?! Also no Jenna. WTF.

Anonymous said...

hey, what happened to queer abby?! i loved that

Anonymous said...

I didn't know the Mommy Kissing Santa Claus thing either!

Anonymous said...

I second about Queer Abby. Has no one sent in questions?

Hannah said...

The show "19 kids and counting" is filmed where I live. She's pregnant again!

Katherine said...

wow... i had no idea i saw mommy kissing santa was dad in a costume... go 25 yr old me.

ALSO- I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE THE FREAKIN FAMILY 19 KIDS. CAN SOMEONE PUH-LEASE SEW HER BEAV SHUT. her last pregnancy was extremely dangerous for her and her baby who was in the NICU for a while.... and not to mention the kids probably don't get enough mom/dad attention time because their brothers/sisters (all freakishly named with J's, which drives me bonkers) are watching them. i could go on and on and on about how much i hate that family.

Anonymous said...

SANTA IS DADDDDY?!
Wow. I feel...stupid.

19 kids and counting...I get they don't believe in birth control (well, not really. but i get weird religious...THINGS)
BUT just stop having sex.

or if they must have sex (does he even feel anything? does she?! how wide is her vag?!) then
PULL THE FUCK OUT

it is a great way to NOT get pregnant, and was 100% for me and many of my girlfriends. I used it for years when we were too young to know how to get birth control and too stupid to use condoms (thank goodness the boys were too young for STDs!)
wow...slut much, younger me???

sorr for the rant

Anonymous said...

Working in a store that repeat the same song over and over around Christmas is horrible, I honestly cannot think of anything worse and I may or may not have quite my job over something like that once. Couldn't stand the music any longer.

Something unrelated: this and the last post have only limited spaces between words in the Google Reader.

Also: I don't see the problem with 19 and counting, they seem to be a relatively happy family, right? (Never seen the show but I've just googled them, so correct me if I'm wrong).

Things I May Regret Writing said...

31 and didn't know Mommy was kissing Daddy. Mind blown. -Lilly

Anonymous said...

To any young girls ready this, pulling out is NOT an effective means of birth control. Please be responsible - use a condom and get on the pill.

Also just ranted to my boyfriend for a solid hour last night about how much I loath the 19 kids and counting family. Frankly it is immoral and wrong on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

There is a Jennifer on "19 Kids and Counting...". I don't agree with the Duggar's way of life but at lease they are nice to each other. Unlike that other multi-kid show with fame-whore, Kate Gosselin.

Rachel said...

1. holy shit! totally with you and everyone else on the whole "not understanding Santa Claus was actually Daddy" thing.

2. my personal all-time most-hated "Christmas" song: that annoying one that goes, "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it away..." AHHHH! I hate depressing Christmas songs in general (e.g. Blue Christmas, I'll Be Home for Christmas...), but that one is depressing AND annoying/totally sucks. and as my boyfriend pointed out, actually has nothing to do with Christmas at all. fuck that song!

Lolo said...

I'm gonna go out on a nerdy limb here for a moment and say that you could go either way with the capitalization of o'clock in a title. I'm fairly certain o'clock is a contraction of the phrase "of the clock," meaning it's essentially a one-word prepositional phrase. So theoretically in wouldn't be capitalized...UNLESS you subscribe to the idea of capitalizing prepositions that are 5+ letters long, in which case it is capitalized.

wow. i just went there.
I also realized the truth about mommy/santa very recently. it blew my mind.

Andrea said...

Ok, so I've known the whole Mommy Daddy Santa thing since I was a kid. As I got older though, I realized how odd it was that Daddy was hanging out in his Santa costume when the kid clearly was not meant to see him. Uhhh, fetish much, Mommy?

The song that always bothered me was the part in Winter Wonderland when they're talking to the snowman...

He'll say: Are you married?
we'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
when you're in town.

So they're condoning whoring around (en masse - "we'll say") with a snowman, but only when he's around. It's not like they want a relationship or anything. Not to mention, I feel like sex with a snowman would result in some pretty wicked frostbite in some pretty uncomfortable places...

Anonymous said...

Why in the sweet name of Christ would I want to hoard forks? Like my big, secret evil plan from ages five to 15 was to slowly collect a complete set of Mikasa forks and assemble a piece of abstract art or some shit."

OH. MA. GAH. I almost got hiccups from holding in my laughter at work. You, Meg, are pure deliciousness. Thanks TC for capturing this genius.

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU, Anonymous 1:15. Pulling out is NOT an effective form of birth control. "The boys were too young for STDs"?!!? Oh dear.

Love love love the blog, you two!

Anonymous said...

wow, I've read 2b1b for k while now and usually i'm in agreement with the comments (not the haters), but today? People. Santa isn't real. you've known it's your parents since you were five, surely? of course it's daddy - plus, Santa has to get round the whole world in one night, delivering presents. he simply doesn't have time to stop and cuckold your dad/sex your mum. there's sleighing to be done! seconding Lolo on the grammar and Andrea on the sexopath snowman though.

Anonymous said...

wow, I've read 2b1b for k while now and usually i'm in agreement with the comments (not the haters), but today? People. Santa isn't real. you've known it's your parents since you were five, surely? of course it's daddy - plus, Santa has to get round the whole world in one night, delivering presents. he simply doesn't have time to stop and cuckold your dad/sex your mum. there's sleighing to be done! seconding Lolo on the grammar and Andrea on the sexopath snowman though.

Anonymous said...

wow, I've read 2b1b for k while now and usually i'm in agreement with the comments (not the haters), but today? People. Santa isn't real. you've known it's your parents since you were five, surely? of course it's daddy - plus, Santa has to get round the whole world in one night, delivering presents. he simply doesn't have time to stop and cuckold your dad/sex your mum. there's sleighing to be done! seconding Lolo on the grammar and Andrea on the sexopath snowman though.

Anonymous said...

wow, I've read 2b1b for k while now and usually i'm in agreement with the comments (not the haters), but today? People. Santa isn't real. you've known it's your parents since you were five, surely? of course it's daddy - plus, Santa has to get round the whole world in one night, delivering presents. he simply doesn't have time to stop and cuckold your dad/sex your mum. there's sleighing to be done! seconding Lolo on the grammar and Andrea on the sexopath snowman though.

Anonymous said...

wow, I've read 2b1b for k while now and usually i'm in agreement with the comments (not the haters), but today? People. Santa isn't real. you've known it's your parents since you were five, surely? of course it's daddy - plus, Santa has to get round the whole world in one night, delivering presents. he simply doesn't have time to stop and cuckold your dad/sex your mum. there's sleighing to be done! seconding Lolo on the grammar and Andrea on the sexopath snowman though.

Anonymous said...

Andrea-
The lines before those that go "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown..."
A parson is an old fashioned word for a priest. So the Parson (priest) asks if they are married, and they say no. But he can do the job (aka marry them) the next time he is in town.

**as I push my nerd glasses up :)

Anonymous said...

I'm not saying pulling out is effective...I am just saying it was for me and if the Duggars tried it, they may only get pregnant half the time.
In no way am I advocating it for young women with multiple partners...sheeesh!

Anonymous said...

BTW if there are young readers....

you can go to Planned Parenthood for birth control.

Rosy said...

ZOMG!! I only learned THIS year that it is Daddy in a Santa suit. I totally thought Mommy was CHEATING with Santa. Somehow, though, I didn't see a problem with that until this year either...

Meghan said...

I've always thought "Baby Its Cold Outside" is the creepiest song-just check out this choice lyric
"...the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink?"

date rape on Christmas anyone?

Sara said...

OK. i feel so much better that i didn't realized it was the dad dressed up as Santa until recently after seeing the comments and today's post. Also, LOVING the posting everday. Its awesome!

Hillary said...

guys, i'd like you to know how much i appreciate this kind of free expression/recorded conversation about dreading xmas blog post. (and transcribing meg's too-fast-to-record spit rants is gold, GOLD i say! and i AM excited for tomorrow.)
i mean, sure, a good brainstorming session, first drafting, second drafting, spellchecking are all well and good -- but i find i love the stream of consciousness hilarity even more. (in other words, you had me had brainstorming sesh) keep it up!

Anonymous said...

So I'm of the camp of already know that Daddy was in the Santa suit. So no messed up childhood memories there, but I wanted to comment on "Baby It's Cold Outside," but I see that Meghan already did. Seriously... date rape in the form of a Christmas (winter) song. Check out the lyrics!!

Sarah said...

Your mom accuses you of stealing forks? My mother STILL accuses me of stealing all the spoons. She always says, "cutlery's missing, especially spoons," and then just glares at me. I asked her once what I would possibly do with 10 large spoons and she said "Eat peanut butter. Or smoke crack."

Her opinion of me is terrifying.

terri said...

ZOMG my mother also accused me of stealing all the forks when I was growing up! I thought I was the only one...she said i would hoard them in my bedroom and then throw them away. Why would I do that? I'd much rather save them to make fork art.

Did you get the Hagman article? It was a big file so not sure it went through.

secondskin said...

Okay, I've never commented before, but I HAD TO on this one because I can't believe that no one had posted THIS song (Christmas Shoes) as their most dreaded:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNsvE33pRSw
Seriously, the first time I heard it last year, I thought it was a joke and nearly lost my shit. I mean, really...

(p.s. LOVE your blog. It's been the only one to make me actually laugh out loud on numerous occasions.)

Meredith said...

As this has sort of become a bad Christmas songs list, I feel like sharing that every year, my BFF and I drive around and listen to our playlist of bad Christmas songs. For some of them, it's the general concept, for others, it's important to listen to the lyrics.

Like "Feed the World/Do They Know It's Christmastime?" by Band Aid. Seriously. Listen to the words. "Where the only water flowing is the bitter stream of tears... Well tonight thank god it's them instead of you." Or "Christmas Eve in Washington" by Maura Sullivan. Ugh.

There are other favorites, like "Last Christmas," "Christmas Shoes," "Guess It's Christmastime," Sheryl Crow's "Blue Christmas," and "Christmas in America." Seriously. On my personal list is "Merry Christmas, Darling" but I know that the obsession on this blog with Karen Carpenter runs deep, so I may be the only one.

Also, this post cracked my shit up. Shh... Globe Baby.

Andrea said...

Meredith: I heard that Band Aid song just the other day and thought it was frickin ridiculous. I mean, yeah, I get that not everyone is as fortunate as us, but holey crikeys is that over the top.

Also, anonymous who enlightened me on Winter Wonderland, I knew what the previous line was, but I just thought Parson Brown was the town hottie or something, so that's why they were pretending it was him. I had no idea it was a priest. Wait, how old is the narrator? Maybe my assumptions still stand... Oh my goodness, I'm going to hell.

Wow, this whole comment makes me sounds like an asshole. But I'm totally ok with that.

McKinzie said...

I have to say that Lady Gaga's Christmas Tree song makes me laugh everytime - love it!

alix porreca said...

I, along with mos tof the commenters below, had no clue that song meant daddy in a santa costume.

At first I was embarrassed reading the post, thinking "OH MY GOD, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS" .... but now, everytime I hear this song, I am going to explain the daddy-costume-situation to anyone that has the pleasure of being with me.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I first heard Winter Wonderland when I was like 8 and even I knew a parson was a priest. Maybe it was because I went to Catholic school..

alix porreca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Anonymous 4:34... Thank you for explaining 'Winter Wonderland." Mind blowing.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQOeDYDOCKc

Anonymous said...

My old roommate used to steal the spoons. I would go in her room every week and get them out of her dresser drawer to go in the dishwasher. Looking back, maybe I should have moved out earlier.

Anonymous said...

Maybe your mom thought you were making a companion piece to this...

http://www.cracked.com/craptions/craption/1761

Anonymous said...

yeah, i didn't go to catholic school and i knew a parson was a priest. i also knew santa was the dad. which, frankly, thank god, because i'm broke and couldn't have otherwise afforded the therapy.

Anonymous said...

please dont tell me it's a no-post monday =( i need my meggles fix!

Anonymous said...

no post friday AND no post monday??? EPIC FAIL.

Anonymous said...

:'(

Anonymous said...

Every time there is more than one no post day Lisa Loeb's song "Stay" gets stuck in my head on repeat. "I mies you..."

Anonymous said...

*miss*

Susan said...

meist?

Anonymous said...

no post friday....no post monday....and what looks like no post tuesday?

do. not. like.

Anonymous said...

the last time we went days without posting, i slowly stopped checking and then forgot to check for almost a month!

Anonymous said...

Cracked-out post: infinitely better than no post

Caitlin said...

Soooo I'm guessing you guys died on that ill-fated cracked out thursday night... Sad Caitlin-panda for no friday (IS HANGMAN ALIVE AND HOCKING SOLAR PANELS OR WHAT??), monday, or tuesday posts...

Anonymous said...

I am curious what Frieda will do with that :)


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Anonymous said...

Благодарность за материалы! :)
Respect www.2birds1blog.com

Anonymous said...

Good day!This was a really splendid topic!
I come from roma, I was fortunate to look for your blog in wordpress
Also I get a lot in your theme really thank your very much i will come later

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