Since you probably haven’t heard this obscure tidbit of political news yet, I’ll fill you in: Barack Obama has been elected as our 44th President of the United States, defeating John McCain in last night’s election. I don’t know about you, but I was pretty fuckin’ relieved when I heard this news. I fear Sarah Palin like people in medieval times feared the plague. You know how certain celebrities said they would leave the country if Bush beat John Kerry in 2004, but then blatantly didn’t and hoped no one would call them out? Well I was very seriously considering bouncing if Palin’s hockey stick came anyway near touching the White House. Ergo, yayyy! Obama!
I really liked Obama’s acceptance speech. I always considered the US to be a bit like Regina George’s character in Mean Girls: beautiful, confident, popular, feared and ultimately hated. Thus, Obama’s acceptance speech reminded me of Cady Herron’s Prom Queen speech. It was humble and hopeful for the future. However, it would have been better if Obama broke his tiara and through the pieces into the crowd….just sayin’.
As Obama’s speech ended and the streets flooded with rioters, I felt a certain sense of loss. I should be happy; Obama won, change is on its way, I can finally stop researching DIY abortions, and yet, I felt genuinely sad. Why you may ask? I have one word for you: Maverick.
Turn your speakers up and click play!
Oh Johnny…I’m gonna miss you man. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Except I’m not sorry because we don’t see eye-to-eye on anything.
I really can’t explain the intense affection I have for John McCain, but my love for him is real (but not real enough to vote for him.) Although it goes against everything I believe and stand for, I sort of wish I had voted for him. Here’s why:
- His acceptance speech. While everyone was getting choked up at Obama’s touching acceptance speech, I was a shaky hot mess, seconds away from bursting into tears during McCain’s concession speech. It was so humble and eloquent! My Johnny Boy seemed genuinely concerned when the rednecks in the audience started to boo Obama (and speaking of scary republican antics, did anyone else notice when the camera panned to what looked like a Neo-Nazi with one hell of a handle bar moustache for an uncomfortably long amount of time?) J McC loves our country and doesn’t want it to be divided! It was very “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” of him. - The Torture Factor. Now, I knew that McCain was a POW, but was unaware that he was tortured on a daily basis. This knowledge breaks my cold, jaded, little heart. After five seconds of torture, I’d tell you whatever the fuck you want to know and then some. He’s so gentle! How could you torture him?! My List of People I Want a Big Hug From has been officially amended to include: Tim Gunn, Bob Villa, Clinton Kelly and John McCain. Welcome to the club, sir. - His Smokin’ Hot Family. Those McCains are mighty easy on the eyes (except for the adopted one.) Obama’s ears distract me, Michelle looks like she’s got a stick up her ass and might kick me out of college for smoking pot in my dorm at any moment and it’s just plain creepy to refer to two little girls as “smokin’ hot.” (Or so I’ve been told.) - The Death Factor. The man was captured and tortured, served in office for a babillion years and is about to meet his maker. Can’t we just throw him a bone and let him be president for a little bit? He earned it. We can get the Make a Wish Foundation involved. Except in this case it’s not a terminally ill kid going to Disney World; it’s John McCain running our country. It’s not his fault that he dreamed bigger Timmy… - Sarah Palin. GOD DAMNIT I HATE YOU, YOU BITCH! My boy was doing just fine until he introduced you as his running-mate (and you know it wasn’t his idea.) Maybe you could have let the man know you have a few skeletons in your closet. Huge skeletons. Like a retarded baby with questionable maternity issues, huge. Or a couple of state investigations regarding your expenses and conspiracy, huge. I think Palin took advantage of J McC in a big way. He needed to bust out a wild card for his VP pick to get some edge and she was just bat shit crazy enough. There is no way she’s as dumb as she seems though. I think she took advantage of McCain to become his VP pick to use that exposure and publicity to make a name for herself so she can run for her own presidency in 2012. BOO-YEA! I’m always one step ahead of you Palin…one step. - A Cast of Crazy Supporting Characters. I’m sure it can’t help when you’re name is associated with Sarah Palin, The First dude, Bristol Palin and her white trash boyfriend/”fiancée” and teen pregnancy, Heidi Montague and Spencer Pratt, hunting big game from a helicopter, Alaska as a whole, that crazy chick in Pittsburg who claimed she was jumped by a black Obama supporter who beat her up and carved a backwards B into her face, George W. Bush, Elizabeth Hasselback and your wife (bless her heart) and her multiple pill addictions and creepy Stepford wife vibe. None of those things are your fault, talk about a bad fucking break...
What’s done is done though and I can’t turn back time. Even if I could, I would use the opportunity to actually get the balls to say something to Michael Showalter when I saw him on Madison Avenue because I know if I had said something, we’d be married with a kid by now.
Overall, well-played John McCain. I’ll miss seeing your Hans Moleman-esque face in the paper everyday. God speed.
I would like to address the following letter PETA sent to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream:
On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's. Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers--and cows--would reap the benefits.
The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.
When I was being publicly booed for being American in a Swiss McDonald’s one night last summer, I thought to myself, “Hmm…Switzerland might suck a little.” Well thank you PETA. I know have more conclusive evidence that yes; Switzerland indeed does suck a little. Any country where breast milk is a socially acceptable substitute for cow’s milk might actually suck a lot.
Why does life seem like a never-ending episode of Punk’d these days? I mean, this week I’m working in that architecture firm to train the person who got the job over me, Sarah Palin conceivably has a chance at becoming the President of the Free World and now breast milk is replacing cow’s milk. Ashton, isn’t there a digital camera commercial you should be shooting or a dead career you could be mourning? Get outta my life!
My first question after reading this letter was, who would consciously eat a soup, stew or sauce made with breast milk? I know you’re thinking, “But Meg, you drank breast milk when you were a baby!” Yea, I did. I also crapped my pants a lot and tried to eat my hand, but yes, I drank breast milk. And you know what? I really don’t like thinking about it. I find the entire situation a little creepy. I also don’t really remember ever being given an option at the time. Had I been given the option, I would like to think I would have gracefully declined.
Milk as a food grosses me out, whether from a human or a cow. I don’t drink milk as a beverage (and think it’s intensely creepy when other people do); I use minimal milk in my coffee and drain the excess milk off my spoon when eating cereal. I also dread thinking about when I’ll have to breast-feed my future kid. Oh dear God in heaven, my skin crawls just thinking about it. I’m not a worker bee, and accepting the fact that my body makes food for another human being is entirely disturbing. I know it’s “natural” and “beautiful,” but F that S. It’s like those people who eat a mother’s placenta after giving birth because it’s rich in protein. You know what else is rich in protein? Beans. 2 for 1 at Safeway this week. Just a thought. Giving birth to your lunch can be such a hassle for the girl on the go…
Why exactly does the switch from cow to human even need to be made in the first place? Were cows complaining they’re chaffing and tired? Is it because if we procure our milk from women we can ethically repay them with money whereas we pirate milk from dairy cows with no payment? Well here’s my argument to that—it’s a fucking cow. That’s why cows exist. Jebus made cows to give milk. It’s their job. If you want something graphically designed, come to me. If you want a tall glass of milk, go to a cow.
What would a cow do if we didn’t milk it? Would it go on to win an O. Henry award for it’s satirical short story about the current state of racism in our society aimed to make us confront our own deep hidden social phobias? No. It would stand in a field and vomit up some dinner. [This is now edging on an anti-vegan/anti-vegetarian rant and I apologize. I actually have no beef with vegans or vegetarians (pun intended!) That’s more Becca’s schtick.]
Can you imagine some sort of freaky Soylent Green society where all of the milk is procured from women? I’m sorry PETA, but I don’t want to live in a world where I could be at work in a conference room and all of a sudden my boss starts honkin’ my boob because he had PB&J for lunch and really needs something to wash it down before he makes his presentation.
Considering all of the negative things I’ve said about Sarah Palin in the past few weeks, I know you came here to read a biased, lefty, bleeding-heart liberal review of last night’s Vice-Presidential debate. But I’m gonna go ahead and have ta disappoint ya. Yesterday, at about 6:45pm when I was going ta pick up a gyro for dinner, I found Jesus and got saved. I know! I’m just as surprised as ya are that Jesus was hiding in a Greek Taverna on Georgia Avenue, but Gosh darnit, there he was! He spoke ta me and said that Sarah Palin is one of his prophets and I should strive ta be more like her, and if I did, my reward would be waitin' for me in heaven.
I wasted no time and began my quest ta become more like Sarah Palin. I started by studying her appearance. She’s got some great pointers on makeup, dontcha know! I’ve already tweezed my eyebrows so they resemble a frown and really love how she paints on her own bone structure with blush that’s two shades darker than it should be. Heck, I love it so much I just took a Sharpie ta my own face and drew on the high cheekbones and nose I’ve always wanted! So much for those corporate fat cats with their Beverly Hills pricey plastic surgery!
Since I’m just a Nancy-Normal, Sally Six-Pack, Melissa-Mediocre, Community College Carissa and Diana Drop-Out, I don’t know a danged thing about the Vice-Presidential candidate’s political views. Now that I watched the debate, I honestly believe that Sarah Palin is the right decision ta lead these great United States inta the future! Now before you get your Eskimo in an igloo, hear me out!
Right off the bat, ya gotta give Sarah points for asking if she can call Senator Joe Biden, plain old “Joe.” I mean, in God’s eyes we’re all equal! So what ya spent thirty-plus years serving in government office? Big whoop! You’re just Joe ta me! That’s why I call my doctor plain old “Rick,” and my pastor “Steve,” and the judge in my underage alcohol case “Linda.” You folks, God bless ya, are no better than me, I don’t care what fancy doo-dahs come before or after your name!
After the first question and answer of the night, I knew Sarah Palin was the candidate for me. I want the people leading our government ta be opinionated, strong Mavericks! I don’t want someone who’s actually gonna answer the question asked—no thank you! She didn’t come all the way to Missoura to answer random political questions and defend herself when attacked by that mad man! Still, always the lady, she handled herself under pressure. For example when that big bully Gwen asked her what she thinks the cause of our current “climate crisis” is, she took the high road and said she "doesn’t want ta argue the causes.” Sarah Palin is no dumb moose, she’s not gonna fall inta that trap and address the issue! So you can drill, baby, drill someone else for thoughtful answers!
As someone who’s currently in a little bit-a credit card debt, I was inspired by Palin's mantra that “never again shall we be taken advantage of by the predatory money lenders!” That’s right Sarah, we’ll never be taken advantage of again! Take back the afternoon! And if we are taken advantage of, even in the case of incest, we won’t abort our money problems with a “bailout!” NEVER AGAIN!
I could barely understand Joe’s political mumbo-jumbo up there. I appreciated that Palin talked ta the audience on a personal level. Like we’re just-a couple-a neighbors at a Sunday supper, discussin’ politics over a few cold ones and huffin' some paint thinner. I don’t want the government inside Washington to be full of Washington-insiders! I want my country ta be run by a united militia of Joe-Six-Packs: and Hockey Moms: I mean, Sarah Palin herself admitted that she’s only been doin’ this Presidential candidacy thing for five weeks, bless her heart, and look how great she’s doin’!
For example, she’s got the answer ta our nation’s health care problems. I agree with her 100% that we need to get Gary Government’s hand outta our pockets and buy our own darn health care! Sure Blue Cross just denied my application for independent health care coverage on the grounds that I’ve been treated for depression, but government provided health care?? What is this, Communist Russia?! I’d rather be a bit of a Grumpy Gus than have Uncle Sam holdin’ my hand in the waiting room, thank ya very much!
About half way through the debate, the real hard-hittin’ issues were addressed. Of course the fancy issue of civil rights for sissies had to be brought up…Thank goodness Sarah stood her ground firmly and stated flat-out that if the question asked was to be defined as did she agree with the Senator that a question was asked regarding civil rights and not gay marriage, then an answer was given which resembles the answer given previously by the Senator regarding the civil liberties of the aforementioned parties depending not on what the definition of civil liberties, not gay marriage, is and thus agreed with him that a question was once asked. How can ya argue with such a straightforward, hard-hittin’ Maverick?
As someone who once took a boot camp work out class at the gym, ya can betcha I was payin’ close attention to the candidate’s policies on the War in Iraq. First of all, I don’t know why Joe was gettin’ so emotional about this topic. His son is only in the Coast Guard for cry-eye! If a beach party runs out of Coronas, I’m sure he’ll be the first one they call in. Quit being such a baby and put your white flag of surrender down!
Then there was a whole buncha talk on nuke-ya-lurr affairs that might as well have been in Latin, ya know? The closest I’ve ever been to Pakistan is the 7-11 around the corner and let me tell ya, they got a buncha scratch-offs and some darn good taquitos, but no nuke-ya-lurr weapons. I took a potty break here and came back just in time to hear Palin talk passionately about how John McCain knows how ta win a war! Darn tootin’ he does! Not only does John McCain know how ta win a war, he knows how ta grab a speedin’ bullet outta mid-air. And shoot webs. And jump from building ta building. And get the girl in the end (have ya seen Cindy? She’s gotta shape ta her!)
My favorite part of the election would have ta have been when Gwen asked the candidates how they would lead the country in the super unlikely event that the President died and they become Commander-in-Chief. Palin said that she would continue McCain’s good work and put the government back on the side of the people. Only a true American like her would make our government a little less "Ivy League" and a little more Wasilla Main Street! Her ticket officially had my vote when she said that she wants her government ta be a representation of how average Wasilla working-class Americans want their government ta be. Which of course is a government that advocates free beer, a 24 hour Wal-Mart superstore in every town and uncensored Larry the Cable Guy specials on Comedy Central. Get ‘er done Sarah!
At the end of the debate, I think Sarah clinched the election officially. She spoke ta me, right ta my heart y’all! She explained that the person elected ta be the leader of our country has ta talk the talk, walk the walk…and knock the knock...spock the spock, crock the crock and...frock the frock! Don’t even try to defend yourself Joe, because she’ll call ya out in an adorable way like when she said, “Say it aint so, Joe!” ...What with your afro. High on the plateau. I recently rented Semi-Pro. My favorite designer on Project Runway is Korto. I love The Hills, but hate Lo…
Yea Joe, can’t argue with that, can ya? This is real American politics. And God bless America! Wink!
I got an email (meg@2birds1blog.com) from Meli, everyone’s favorite Nicaraguan spitfire, asking to move this week’s Drinking Game from Friday to Thursday in honor of tonight’s Vice-Presidential debate. Ask and you shall receive my friends. Besides, there’s no way I’m going to watch this shit show with a blood alcohol level lower than .15%.
I can’t believe Sarah Palin, the woman who fears witches, can’t think of the name of a single newspaper and doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground, is going to debate Senator Joe Biden on national television. Tonight. This must be what my mom felt like when the Beatles were on the Ed Sullivan Show.
From the fights of Roman gladiators, to public hangings, to Britney Spears’ 2007 VMA performance, the public has had a morbid fascination with watching a peer go down in flames. Tonight is no exception. I fully expect Sarah Palin to bust out some priceless gems in tonight’s debate and will be sorely disappointed if her last minute cramming sessions and flash card reviews actually do pay off. I keep slipping into these fantasies where she tells Biden if he doesn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Or asks him what he thinks Jesus would do. Or rationalizes that she conceived Trig Palin after a night of one too many Fosters at Outback Steakhouse and therefore has international relations experience with Australia.
Either way, this is going to be an interesting cocktail of hilarious, frightening and depressing. So go get an 18-pack of Labatt’s Blue, salute the Naval Observatory and pray that John McCain has more lives than a cat, because it’s time to play The Vice-Presidential Debate Drinking Game!
Hmm…I wonder if Bristol will be playing the game with rum tonight? Anyways, I decided to leave the rules of this game in the hands of the experts. Thus, the following is courtesy of Comedy Central’s InDecision 2008 blog.
Take 1 Sip:
* Every time Sarah Palin says "Gwen” or “Joe.”
* Every time Joe Biden says "malarkey.”
* Every time Palin mentions Russia (or mentions France, re: Senator Biden's underpants.)
*Every time Biden mentions his Scranton upbringing.
* Every time Palin mentions wildlife protection.
* Everytime Palin says “hockey.”
* Every time Biden mentions his father.
* Every time Palin accidentally agrees with Barack Obama.
* Every time Biden mentions taking the train to and from his Senate job.
* Every time Palin mentions small town values.
* Every time Biden drops an anachronism.
* Every time someone in the room says Palin seems like someone cool to have a beer with, stand up and yell "Goody Palin is a witch!"
* Every time Biden and Palin break into an argument, make out with the person next to you.
* Every time Biden and Palin make out, debate the person next to you.
* Every time Palin speaks in a run-on sentence, get yourself for into the position of being to drink a sip of beer and therefore on the chair on which you sit turn around and face your neighbor but you will not have had enough into which to vomit and that's good because you will be feeling in a way that is comparable to ways in which you have drunk before, at home, where they teach good drinking values.
‘First Dude’ Todd Palin Illustrates Alaska’s Blend of Private and Public “…Todd Palin has become involved in policy, sitting in on his wife’s meetings, traveling on state business and weighing in on some legislative issues. John Harris, the Republican speaker of the Alaska House, said he had never been called by the spouse of a governor before the two calls he got from Todd Palin. One was to argue for moving the state capitol to Anchorage. The other was to ask Harris to 'keep an eye' on a key aide who had an affair with the wife of one of Todd’s best friends. Political hands in both parties say the Palins are often referred to as a team—'Sarah and Todd'—and one Democratic lawmaker said Todd Palin has become her 'de facto chief of staff…."
I would like to reiterate that this is not a political blog nor I am I a political scientist. Usually, I want absolutely nothing to do with anything even remotely political, but for some reason I can’t stop myself from reading about Sarah Palin. She’s like a messy, lane-closing, jaws-of-life-needing car accident that I cannot stop staring at, no matter how many nightmares I know it’s going to produce.
Because I’ve sheltered my anxiety-prone self from the nerve-wracking world of politics, I get lost easily. It helps when I put things into a more personal context, so I can relate a little more easily.
When I read this article, for example I translated it to: Sarah and Todd Palin = Spencer and Heidi from The Hills. It makes sense to me; they’re both a team comprised of partners where the female is the breadwinner in the spotlight and the male is the manager manipulating things behind the scenes; all parties involved are generally accepted as flaming douche bags among society; both couples are active Republicans campaigning for McCain; both Heidi and Sarah are hottie airheads and both Spencer and Todd have creepy goatees and make me feel extremely uncomfortable.
The more I thought about it, The Hills relates to life on The Hill pretty closely. From what I’ve heard from friends and family who work there, it’s just like high school, but a lot less well dressed. Thus I give you the cast of...
Lauren Conrad –> Barack Obama The good guy, the hero, and the everyman we relate to.
"Speidi" –> "Torah" The nemeses of the Lauren Conrad character. Irritating couple who are sneaky, questionable and hide behind a mask of righteousness. I think I’d enjoy politics a lot more if Sarah Palin told Perez Hilton that Barack Obama had “beef curtains,” however.
Audrina –> Joe Lieberman Sort of an ambiguous character these days…at first he was a Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Now he’s a registered independent flirting with the Republican Party. Joe Lieberman, you are a sexy brunette who needs to make up their mind and stop making me cry all of my black liquid eyeliner off! Now get out of my pool house!
Whitney –> Hillary Clinton Driven, successful, competitive, career oriented strong women who we never see get laid.
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth –> Joe Biden Our hero’s right-hand man who’s always got his back. Both are loyal and slightly cross-eyed.
Stephanie Pratt –> Meghan McCain Oh the sting of family betrayal!
What happened this week on THE HILL: Barack depearts The Hill to go campaigning, leaving Joe Biden and Joe Lieberman awkwardly alone in The House to bond. Sarah and Todd Palin continue to mend their rocky relationship, which suffers further when Sarah’s sister betrays "Torah" when she has lunch with Obama. Meghan McCain goes to a fundraising dinner with her father, breaking the #1 unspoken BFF rule on The Hill. Joe Lieberman can’t keep his big mouth shut and tells everyone on The Hill about Meghan McCain’s betrayal, including Sarah Palin one drunken night at the 18th Street Lounge. Joe Lieberman confesses he misses Sarah Palin and has never really had anything against her. The two decide they should totally hang out more, right in front of Joe Biden, who is totally going to tell Obama the first chance he gets. Obama finds out about Meghan McCain’s shady business and wonders if everyone was right about her…
You know what group of people really irritates the hell out of me? Over-involved PTA moms. They’re always offended and whining about some stupid thing in the holier-than-thou name of the children. Everything is offensive and you can never win with them! Serving water at the T-ball game? Well where do you propose my son Zackary get his electrolytes?! Introducing To Kill a Mockingbird to the eighth grade English curriculum? Well, I’m a proud member of PETA and I refuse to have my daughter exposed to avian violence at such a young age! Bitch, bitch, bitch… Like most people, they take the shred of power they have and run with it, taking it to unnecessary and intrusive places. Just get a hobby—Mahjong, tennis, crystal meth, anything! Did you know that in the state of Virginia, children are no longer allowed to come to school dressed in their costumes on Halloween? Why? HALLOWEEN IS A PAGAN HOLIDAY AND CELEBRATING IT WOULD BE BLASPHEMOUS! They’re also not allowed to observe Valentine’s Day in class. Why? NOT ALL CHILDREN WILL GET VALENTINE’S FROM EVERY ONE AND THAT’S JUST UNFAIR AND OFFENSIVE! I wish I had a daughter and lived in Virginia because I would force her to come to school every single day dressed as a pirate and hand out love letters just to stick it to the man. This happens to also be reason #235 I don’t think it’s a good idea that I have children.
Although I tend to dwell on random issues for far too long, my irritation with over-involved PTA moms doesn’t really affect my day-to-day life. Sure, every now and then I’m in line at California Tortilla and overhear a conversation between PTA moms about banning black nail polish and want to shove guacamole down their throats, but usually I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. However in just a few short months, that might all change...
Ohhhh Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is a self described “hockey mom” who wants to instill Christian values in our country and teach Creationism in our public schools. Sarah Palin is like the ultimate over-involved PTA mom, but in a frightening twist of civics she’s not just the pain in the ass of her community—she’s about to become the pain in the ass of the free world. And thus the end of the world is nigh.
Follow my logic: In the major potion picture South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, Kyle’s mom, Sheila Brofvolski, starts a war between the US and Canada over bad language, fart jokes and toilet humor on television (see video):
The movie, in summary, is about a small town mom from a chilly climate who becomes a local leader, eventually taking advantage of a community’s ignorance and using scare tactics to rise up and control the government to implement the changes she sees morally fit. Hmm…
Kyle’s mom eventually takes over the American government and executes two Canadian scapegoats making it possible for the Devil (and his lover, Saddam Hussein) to rise above to the Earth to rule for the next two million years. All because as the MPAA says, “horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!”
Worried that Trey Parker and Matt Stone might have predicted the end of the world, I did a little case study between Sheila and Sarah:
Now I’m not a sensationalist, but I do feel comfortable saying that my research and deductive reasoning has led me to strongly believe that Sarah Palin will cause the Devil and his bitch-lover Saddam Hussein to rule the Earth for two million years if she’s voted into office this November.
Fucking over-involved PTA moms...I was irritated when they tried to change the location of my high school graduation from DAR Constitution Hall to a horse stable because it accommodated more people, but when they summon the wrath of the Devil and Saddam Hussein, I am just plain pissed.
Posts
