I don't want to be a Toys'R'Us kid

There's no recrap today because I might be mentally handicapable. I've been getting so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, what with the upcoming move across state lines, finding a new job, getting out of my lease, etc. and so on. And when I get overwhelmed, I turtle. Which isn't to say that I go on a shoe raping binge. Not that kind of turtle. No, once I start getting a little too whelmed, I just shut down and ignore everything until my problems go away. Is this mature? Nope. Does this solve anything? Nope. Does it make me feel better? Nope. Why do I do it? Probably some Freudian explanation that I'm stalled in the oral stage of development. Or maybe Dr. Reuben has a better reason. Because I'm gay and therefore have the mental capabilities of a sea sponge and any space in my brain is devoted to cooking up perverse new ways to get freaky.

But that's neither here nor there. What is there is that I need to learn to grow up fast. Now I don't want to get like OLD, because I can say with near certainty that I know I'm going to be that crazy old man who yells at small children and wears cardigans that smell like Ben Gay. I just mean that there are certain things out there in the real world that I need to learn fast.

When does someone sit me down to go over the ins and outs of the financial world with me? Because this is something that I don't think I'll ever understand like half the plot of Mission Impossible. Am I supposed to believe that one day I'm blessed with the knowledge of APRs? I don't think that's true. I used to hate on Finance majors in school (mainly because everyone I knew with a Finance major spent 4 years playing Xbox and then graduated with a $100K job) but they really do have a leg up on me in the world. A degree in Biology isn't exactly real world applicable. I can't go around pointing out people's aortas or talking about molecules or various other things that I supposedly learned in college. I don't think knowing the difference between sea lions and seals (sea lions have distended testicles, seals do not. you're welcome) will help me determine which brand of insurance will give me the best coverage for the best price. But then again, this is overwhelming.

You know what else I really need to man up and start doing? Eating like a human being. Because a condiment sandwich is not real food and does not satisfy any of the food pyramid requirements. But cooking not only takes time, it also requires trips to the grocery store, which also take time and money. Time and money that I could spend playing Erotic Photo Hunt at a bar (easily the best way to make new friends ever). I've always said that if I could, right now, I'd have a kid, which is probably a little weird for a 24-yr-old guy to say but regardless, God help that child because it would be the most malnourished, sickly child ever. I should probably learn how to take care of a houseplant before jumping into parenthood. If I can't keep a ficus alive, how do I expect to keep my child, incidentally also named Ficus, alive? I don't understand how people do it. How are you my age and with child? I can barely look after myself, let alone a crying, pooping, hungry infant.

The most important lesson I've yet to learn is that I'm not going to like everyone out there on Planet Earth, nor is everyone going to like me. Do you know how hard this is to expect? Remember when I told you all that I'm a friend hoarder? Can someone please intervene and tell me it's best to sever those ties than to remain friends with the human equivalent of the Ebola virus? It doesn't help that I'm just inherently a people pleaser (which I'm sure comes as a surprise to many of you who think I'm the direct spawn of Satan). So when someone decides that they aren't fond of me, I can't help but take it personally. Like really personally. Like I will hunt you down, Anonymous commenters, and tie you to a chair and make you love me. Eventually, I'm going to need to learn to let go of things/people. Before I end up in a house filled floor to ceiling with Target shopping bags full of old friends and mice droppings. That's no way to live.

When we were in the process of graduating, my friends and I would be lamenting the fact that once we graduate we'll be actual adults. That could not have been further from the truth. If any of you reading this are still in college, rest assured that once you get your diploma, this does not automatically bestow you with all the knowledge of an adult. I actually wouldn't be surprised if you weren't a little dumber when you get your diploma than when you entered college. Brain cell genocide and all of that. Do I want to be a Toys'R'Us kid forever? No because I'm not convinced that Jeffery the Giraffe isn't a pedophile. Just realizing that I've got a long way to go before I'll ever consider myself an adult.