5.11.2009

Washington DC to Meghan McCain: "Bitch, please!"

God that title hurt to type. As you may recall, I previously fancied myself a bit of a Meghan McCain enthusiast. She was actually the #2 reason why I wished I could have voted for John McCain. We're just so similar: we're both named Meghan; we're both bloggers; she hates Ann Coulter, I hate Ann Coulter; she likes John McCain, I like John McCain; she went to Columbia, I took an informational tour of Columbia—where will the similarities end??

But Meghan McCain is on my shit list. In a big way. And I want an apology. Take a look at the following tweets from Meghan McCain's twitter account:
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Ok. So you don't like DC. That's fine; plenty of people don't like DC. I mean, I can't help but think maybe the reason people want to talk to you about politics is because you're campaigning to be the new face of the Republican party and fancy yourself something of a pundit, which means talking to people about politics is literally your job, but whatevs. Lord knows I hate when people expect me to do my job, so I'm just going to take that as one more thing we have in common.

But then you had to go and tweet this:
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Bitch, please.

Because guess what? I am from DC. And on behalf of DC; go fuck yourself.

Here is what I've ascertained Meghan McCain believes about DC area natives:
1.) We do not wear makeup. Who has two thumbs, a Sephora insider card and wears more makeup than a drag queen in competition? This girl.
2.) We do not wear sparkles. This is correct. I also do not stuff my bra, make out with my pillow or shop at Claire's boutique, as I am not 12 years old.
3.) We wear very little fabric. Again: bitch, please. It is humid as fuck here and we're in the middle of a recession. You cut corners where it makes sense.
4.) We have flat, lifeless hair. Yea. Well. Personally that is true, but you don't have to rub it in. In 4-6 weeks, I'll be in possession of a BumpIt and then who'll be laughing??
5.) We do not like glamour.

This last statement is enraging on so many levels. Let's break it down, shall we?

First of all, we get it Meghan McCain. DC is full of ugly people. We're all brunette and boring and homely and plain and we've never kissed a boy and we're still waiting to get our period and we all know we're never going to get asked to the dance this weekend so we might as well just tell Mrs. Friedenberg that, yes, we are free to babysit Saturday night. We get it. Ugly.

But, you know what? This is sort of an exciting time to live in DC. King Obama is in office and his army of hipster followers are slowly starting to infiltrate the city. Finally, it's kind of cool to live here; even if you don't give two shits about politics (which, by the way, can be said about many DC residents, including this gal.) We're finally figuring out that culottes might not be the trendiest pant option and we're slowly learning that we look better if we run a comb through our hair. Let us have this moment, Meghan McCain. Stop reminding us what nerds we really are deep down inside. You're like the jealous sister who keeps showing old family photo albums to our hot new boyfriend all, "Aww! Look at this picture of DC when she had braces and a unibrow! Poor DC...Middle School was such a tough time for her."

Remember when Laura Ingraham went on Fox News to talk about your political qualifications and said that you couldn't even "get a role in the Real World" because they "don't like plus-size models"? That sucked. Because 1.) you're not plus-size at all, you just have giant hooters. And the plight of the giant hootered girl is one that I know all too well; and 2.) your physical appearance has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to speak intelligently about politics, and Laura Ingraham looked embarrassingly stupid for inferring otherwise. You really came out on top of that one, homegirl, and I was happy for you. You said on the View, "I speak my mind about politics and I want to have a political discussion about the ideological future of the Republican party and the answer is, 'She's fat. She shouldn't have an opinion." Valid point. Laura Ingraham is a dumb cunt and more power to you, sister.

But you know what doesn't help your case? When you complain about how people in DC talk too much about politics and tweet things like, "Sticking out like a sore thumb n dc cuz im a raging hottie n this town is BEAT! ;)"

Because, really? I thought you wanted to have a political discussion about the ideological future of the Republican party and not about your physical appearance? So why flaunt the fact that you're glamorous, bedazzled ass is 50 times hotter than ours? Or is hypocrisy the new black? Sorry, I'm from DC, I don't know what dat dem der fashion trends be. If only I had been raised in the hot bed of cutting-edge fashion and glamor that is...Arizona?

I'm disappointed Meggles. After Saturday's tweet, not only do you seem pretty fuckin' obnoxious, but you also come off just as vapid and catty as Laura Ingraham. And that sucks, because how hard does Laura Ingraham blow? (Answer: So hard.)

So Meghan McCain, you're too good for us ugly DC folk. Well then, we invite you to pack up your haute couture dream catchers, turquoise jewelry and pan flute and get the fuck out. Our "vanilla" town clearly can't handle your spicy chipotle flavor.



XOXO,
Washington, DC

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

You have literally saved my sanity. Work used to suck the joy of life from my soul. Now I get to laugh out loud in the incredible silence of my office, which happily gives my colleagues the fear that I'm mentally handicapped so they leave me the hell alone. Muchas gracias, Meghan.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

De nada, Anonymous.

Shannon said...

Would it make you feel better to read someone elses commentary on the peekaroo? Check it out:

http://totallylookslike.com/2009/04/22/weird-baby-hammock-vest-totally-looks-like-kuato-from-total-recall/

hannah said...

it frightens me how much you affect my view of people. haha.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I will not feel better until I get my apology.

...And a JMcC hug wouldn't hurt.

xfileluv said...

I have been looking for a new cult to join and was seriously considering Meghan McCain's after the Ingram blow-up. But now, like you....not so much. However, I *am* seriously pondering starting up a cult to follow you. I mean, seriously...what ARE progressive Republican women like us to do when our choices are McCain and Ingram? I nominate YOU to speak on my behalf. (And to continue to supply us with weekend drinking games.)

Laura said...

I'm totally on the side of Meghan McCain. I mean, most days I can barely bring myself to pull on my beige trousers and a stained cardigan and drag myself to work on the hill where my job slowly sucks my soul out... Oh wait! I left my quirkily decorated studio this morning to go to my totally non-political dream job wearing my new clinique black honey almost lipstick and carrying a purse so fabulous Ms. McCain would trade her own mother for it. Now, Ms. McCain, you may be slightly blonder and slightly curvier than me, but I came to this city for it's passion, creativity and energy and it is not our fault that what you assumed at a quick glance was plain vanilla is in fact a sweet panacotta gelato. Your loss Ms. McCain. Your loss.
And seriously, sparkles?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OH SHIT! OH SHIT!

Emily said...

Seriously, awesome. I love this, and hope to have an update on the Bump it and Meghan McCain's apology!

Anonymous said...

eeks, please Meghan, no Arizona hate! I promise that we aren't all super into the southwestern tourist vibe and can put together a socially acceptable outfit. Its actually pretty awesome out here, although I don't think I have seen anyone wearing sparkles in ages. She must have picked that up in New York.

jessica lynn said...

i almost convinced myself i needed a bump-it.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I don't mean to hate on Arizona. Judging an entire state based on the actions of a few would be a very McCainian move on my part. I apologize.

I actually spent some time in Scottsdale and it was quite lovely.

Jessica Lynn: VIVA EL BUMP IT!

kbb323 said...

ok seriously, everyday at work the people in the cubicles surrounding my enviable window view of the capitol (hear that? it's my own horn i just tooted) must think i have either 1. have tourettes or 2. have a multiple personality disorder because of the random outbursts of laughter i have when i read your blog.

thank you, 2birds1blog, just for being you and please continue to do so. and if we ever meet at a bar, i will buy you a shot. or 10. i hope you like vodka

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Welp. See you at the bar.

rachel said...

Meghan McCain has gone too far. Im willing to bet she has only gone to SmithPoint?

rachel said...

PS- did she really say vanilla??? Ironically, we are the CHOCOLATE city. Im all kinds of fired up Meghan McCain.ALL KINDS.

April said...

Like you I have always found Meghan McCain to be all kinds of adorable. But I quit following her on Twitter yesterday because she never shuts the eff up. I realize Twitter is the place to air your thoughts and opinions and all, but Oh. My. God. I don't need a play by play of the White House Correspondent dinner. Her comments irritated me on so many levels and I am not even from DC. (I am however from the hot bed of cutting edge fashion and glamour. Please do not hold it against me.)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

2b1b <3 AZ

Srav said...

I love love love the very last line. Simply amazing.

Julia said...

I found myself drunkenly slurring to some dudes at Rocket Bar about how much of a cunt MMcC is for trashing the beautiful city I call home.

Then again, I was at Rocket Bar, which I'm sure you know is not exactly the shining beacon of DC's best and brightest, so...

Oh, and my blog partner and I want to buy you some dranks sometime. From one half-Jew Meghan to another. And me. Full Jew.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Game on!...but not at Rocket Bar.

Julia said...

Oh ew, god no. I'm a homo and you live in Dupont. Come on. You know we're getting classy at Lucky.

dontgetsentimental said...

Uh, "Anonymous" numero duex, don't you mean NEW JERSEY?

Hate on NYC and its use of sparkles again and I may be forced to gather up my Cherokee BFF's from the wigwams in Tucson to guerrilla warfare yo' ass with their fiery tomahawks!

...Sorry, I just blacked out.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ugh...we're getting away from the point here, but, 2b1b <3s AZ and NY. Obv.

Can't we all just unite against Meghan McCain's lack of DC respect?

Anonymous said...

I think they said NY cause MMc went to Columbia.

and yes, 2birds1blog, lets unite against the DC hate. Its what matters.

Will said...

Thought you'd appreciate this tidbit about MMcC's poor behavior at the White House Correspondents Dinner. The money quote? Here you go:

Sen. John McCain's daughter...lost it after getting stopped by security when she arrived at the White House Correspondents dinner Saturday. The problem? She had only two tickets, but brought two friends. "The security guard sent her to talk to someone to sort out the situation, but Meghan got bratty and nastily told him, 'We'll just stand here then,' like an insolent child," our source said, adding that after dealing with the guard, "She muttered to her friends, 'Does he even know who the f--- I am?'"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Uh, yea; you're a blogger.

I think I'm going to bust out that line the next time I don't get a free topping at Mr. Yogato. "You're actually charging me for blackberries?...Do you even know who the fuck I am?"

Skywalker said...

We played chicka. Well played. I hope you and ahem, Meggles, can makeup and start anew after this little tiff.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I know right? It makes me sad she won't apologize :(

Anonymous said...

Wow. Meghan McCain's definitely jumped the shark. It's one thing to be a "pundit" or the "new face of the GOP" after your father's campaign got hijacked by Sarah Palin, but, please, Meghan, you went to Columbia...one would hope you wouldn't be so superficial. Meghan McCain is, at this point, an enlarged, politics-obsessed Paris Hilton--vapid, "bedazzled," and utterly contemptible. She's a sterling example of why lilly-white, air-headed people shouldn't voice their opinions to the world. And, honestly, DC=Vanilla? Maybe she thinks Ballston's DC, but, seriously Meghan? Go to some part of DC where your daddy isn't going to score you some VIP tickets to a gala, and talk to us then about how "Vanilla" we are.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA. Ballston.

Viva Chocolate City!

Anonymous said...

nicely said! get the fuck outta here MM!

EmC said...

dude. i live in dc and i'm hot as shit. ms mccain can tweet MY ASS and jump into the potomac.

Julia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erin said...

I'm so glad I found your blog (via DC Blogs)!! Loves it - and I can't wait to see how things go with the BumpIt!

Julia said...

Let's just take her to Trinidad and see what she has to say then. It is still fashion-devoid, but there is pretty much no vanilla within a 10-block radius. Just sayin'.

Meghan said...

I nearly peed my pants with excitement at the prospect of you, me, and my co-blogger getting drinks some night. Of course we'll have to dress in polygamist dresses and wear no make-up b/c we're so vanilla like that.

smellen said...

MMcC is getting me all fired up, so I apologize for the length of my comment. It's completely ridiculous that she keeps calling DC too vanilla for her because 1. The people she's kickin' it with are such a small part of DC and they probably don't even LIVE IN DC (Did someone mention Ballston? Haha.); 2. We call it the CHOCOLATE CITY!!! Which some might even say is the OPPOSITE of vanilla. Is she a complete idiot?? and 3. Vanilla is one of my favorite flavors of ice cream so i take some personal offense when people use vanilla as a negative adjective. It's so versatile! You can add things to it! Oreos, strawberries, chocolate chips, and more! Simple and delciious on it's own!
I love your blog-- Please keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep laughing at inappropriate times at my desk...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

You have yourself a deal. Fuck MMcC and viva Chocolate City 4lyfe.

smurphette said...

I grew up in the DC suburbs, I live and work downtown, and I love this blog!

And as for Miss "I feel so much blonder and curvier in DC," I'm just wondering, how does that make her any different from all the other "blond" Republican girls in this city with dark roots and a wonderbra?

Anonymous said...

i hate dc cause all those speed cameras . some people have important jobs like getting people out of elevators so now if you are stuck good luck cause nobody wants a bunch of tickets. so mayor of dc is to blame over people stuck in elevators longer and elevator are hot in summer so dc wants money they do not care if you perish in elevator

Isay said...

Any reason you didn't address the "Vanilla City" comment? Being that you're "from" DC (let me guess, upper Northwest or actually in MD or NOVA), wouldn't you know that most DC natives are African-American and not making money in politics. Someone should drop Meghan McCain on the other side of the Anacostia for a couple days while she's there for that convention.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I'm from your mom's bedroom.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Meg McBlogger, I'm sitting here in my impotent rage, drinking horrible boxed wine and catching up on your blog. You are so funny. I love DC. I'd live there tomorrow if it wasn't for my stupid husband and stupid kids. And not that I know Meg McCain hates it, I like it even more. Megan McCain sucks ass and I thought that before I read her lame-o twitter posts.

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