5.01.2009

DGF: This is why I drink.

Yesterday at around 4:30pm I was waking myself up from my mid-afternoon nap, quickly stapling invoices together so it looked like I actually did something that day and was about to head home to take my pre-happy hour nap, when suddenly, in walked the creepiest living man I have ever seen in my entire life.

He was tall, wearing a madras suit, had a giant Cosi shopping bag and the laziest lazy eye I have ever seen. I thought maybe I was still taking my mid-afternoon nap and might be dreaming, so I smacked myself across the face with a stapler a couple times and took a big whiff of my highlighter to wake up. 50 dead brain cells later, I realized I was already awake.

This madrased man, without saying word one to me, walked over to our wet bar and proceeded to line up bottles of sparkling water, apple juice, diet coke and create a little display of cookies and biscotti.

"Um. Can I help you?" I asked him.

"Just setting up for the event, I'll be done in one second," he answered.

I looked at my schedule to see if perhaps I had blacked out and scheduled an event with the Preppy Lazy-Eyed Association of America (PLEAA,) but the only thing on my schedule for that day was:
9:00am-4:30pm: catnap/watch Dynasty
4:30-5:00pm: call mom

"Sorry, but do you have an event scheduled with me tonight?" I asked. An appropriate question, right? His response? To throw his lazy-eyed head back and crack the fuck up. Seriously. No one has ever laughed that hard at even my most well-crafted and rehearsed jokes. I had to go back in my head and review what I had just said, because nothing could justify how hard this man was laughing. I will be the first to tell you that I am not that funny.

Finally, he responded, "You are ADORABLE! No, we don't have an event tonight. You are just the benefactor of me having a horrible day. HI, I'M TIM!" At this point I thought
welp, I'm going to die. This man is going to kill me in his van and turn me into a lamp shade. Good.

Tim continued, "You see, your company is represented by an independent sales group. The president of that sales group's name is Lily. Lily has been in this business for 20-some-odd years. Now, wood furniture comes in various shades of wood veneers: espresso, amber, light cherry, dark cherry, medium cherry
" *ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT* Sir, why in the sweet name of fuck are you telling me any and/or all of this? You are essentially explaining to me my own company, who my boss is and what wood veneer is. Now I may not look like the smartest cookie in the jar, but do I look that oblivious? Sigh. *TIME IN!*

He continued, "Sometimes I'm the veneer supplier for Lisa's projects, because we've been close friends for the past 15 years." Ah. Ok. "Is she here?" No, no she is not. "WELL LET'S CALL HER AND LEAVE HER A GOOFY MESSAGE!" *ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT* Sir, it is 4:50 in the god damn afternoon. I leave in 10 minutes. The last thing I want to do is crank call my boss with you and giggle like two school girls. You may be her best friend, but you are not my best friend. *TIME IN!*

"O...k..." I dialed my boss as Tim loomed over me trying to stifle his giggles, giving me the thumbs up like, "here we go!" My call went straight to voicemail. -beeeeep!- Hi Lily, this is Meghan calling. Uh, your friend Tim is here, and uh
"SAY SOMETHING FUNNY! SAY SOMETHING FUNNY!!!," Tim hissed at me. *ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT!* Ok, sir. This isn't Showtime at the Apollo. You are not the Sandman. Do not harass me to tell a funny joke. *TIME IN!*

"Uh, yea Tim is here and uh, he brought us goodies, or something...I think. So just call us back? Ok. Bye." Tim then proceeded to crap his pants laughing, again. I mean, I guess on some level I sort of appreciated the easy crowd, but people who are that easily humored make me really, really uncomfortable.

I looked over at his queer little snack spread on the wet bar and still slightly confused asked, "So, I'm sorry but do you have an event tonight, or what exactly is going on?" "Oh no! No event! I just had a horrible meeting with a design firm down the street and thought I would swing by with a snack and see if Lisa was here." "Oh. Well that's unfortunate, but yea, she's not here." "That's Ok! Because you are! Now split this bottle of Pellegrino with me, pull up a chair and let's talk veneer!" *ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT!* Now I appreciate a free biscotti and bottle of sparkling water as much as the next girl, but if I could gnaw my own leg off to get out of this situation, I would have. It's now after 5. I am officially off the clock. I don't courtesy laugh at wood jokes and drink tepid water for free. Also, I had plans at 7 and really wanted to take a power-nap to avoid any crankiness. It's difficult to live life like a lazy cat/small child, but I've adapted.

"Well I hate to be rude, but the studio is only open until 5 and it's past 5 now," I said in my most sugary sweet oh darn! voice.

-Tim scoffs- "Oh I'M SORRY," -scoffs again- "Do you have somewhere to be?"

At this point, I think I genuinely felt fangs pop out of my mouth, True Blood style. Because, no Tim! No I don't have somewhere to be after work on a Thursday night. I would love nothing more than to sit here with your madrased-ass, try not to look at your googly-eye (but get nervous that you sense I'm trying not to look at it, which is worse than actually looking at it, so then I look at it, but then feel badly about looking at it, so look between your eyes to avoid the situation of where to look all together, but inevitably keep drifting back to looking at the googly one because it's horribly disgusting yet fascinating at the same time,) while discussing the least interesting topic in the history of the world: wood veneer. This is what I want to do.

"Uh, yea. Actually, I do." I deadpanned. Then Tim in a "well, I never!" fashion got his shit together, limply shook my hand and mumbled, "Well, sorry to take your time. It was nice to meet you," and walked out just as abruptly as he walked in.

I am now completely paranoid that this man is going to talk shit about me to my boss and get me fired. Because I didn't want to talk about wood veneer with him. After 5 o'clock. On a Thursday night. Unannounced. With his googly eyes a-googlin'.

Why couldn't he have just killed me in his van and made me into a lampshade? At least then I wouldn't have to get a lecture from my mom about my necessary and overdue "attitude adjustment."

I also can't stop thinking about lazy eyes. I just don't understand how a grown man could still have such an extreme case of lazy eye? I mean, it's not 1830...aren't there ways of fixing it? Are you that busy breezing into offices unannounced and forcing people into wood veneer conversations that you can't slap on an eye-patch and fix the damn thing?

Given my current fascination with lazy eyes, only one movie seemed appropriate for this week's drinking game. I give you The Mr. Deeds (Adam Sandler version, not Gary Cooper) Drinking Game!
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(For the record, I am thoroughly ashamed of how funny I find this movie. There...I said it.)
Rules:
Drink when:
- One of Deeds' greeting cards is read out loud
- A pizza is delivered
- The Butler sneaks up on Deeds
- John McEnroe makes an appearance
- The Rev. Al Sharpton makes an appearance
- Deed's dead foot is shown
- Babe lies to Deeds
- Peter Gallagher's eyebrows jump off his face and take over New York, Godzilla-style
- Mac gets injured
- Westchestertonfieldville, Iowa is referenced
- Deeds saves a life (feline or human)
- And finally, in honor of my new friend Tim, chug when Crazy Eyes says the following line:
"Time heals all things...except these crazy eyes."
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Thanks for reading, maybe tell a friend?, have a fantastic weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning!

25 comments:

liferehab said...

Wow... and I thought the people at my work were nuts... Have a good weekend. You deserve a couple drinks. And by a couple, I mean an entire bars worth. And so do I.. we should go drink a bar's worth of drinks together!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

DONE.

...Do you have a lazy eye?

Anonymous said...

So what's the real story on this guy?? I'm left wanting so much more! Did you talk to Lisa? Is he actually a friend? Or just some random kook?

Anonymous said...

This may just be me and I may just be retarded, but I'm not quite sure what a "madrased man" looks like. Therefore in order for me to fully enjoy the story, I attempted to be crafty and google it but nothing except your page. :(

Anonymous said...

sorry to take pleasure in your misfortune but this was a delight to read. i pray to god there is a follow-up to this story.

and holy hell can i relate to lazy eye awkwardness: i have a co-worker with the same... affliction? and i NEVER know where to look.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Anon #1- I HAVE NO IDEA! She never called me back! I think she's in Chicago? As you can see, I am not very important at my job.

Anon #2- Madrased Man: A man wearing a madras print suit. Please copy and paste the following link into your web broswer for a helpful visual:
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.luxist.com/media/2008/04/bb2.jpg

Anon #2 said...

Ahhhahahahaha!!! It's all so clear now!

That. Is. Awesome.

msto said...

feel no shame, i too find that movie hilarious.

like when winona ryder kicks that big woman in the crotch and she says, "yeah, like i have balls." best. line. ever.

that, and when she says, "your mouth is moving but all i hear is 'blah blah blah, i'm a dirty tramp.'" i try to use that in daily conversation.

maria said...

"This man is going to kill me in his van and turn me into a lamp shade."
wasn't there a famous serial killer who did this to women? or maybe he wore their faces, I can't remember.

Annie said...

i too have a co-wanker with a lazy eye. the most awkward part about said eye is when, in the middle of a drool inducing, head nodding meeting, she asks a question, and you clearly weren’t paying attention...so you have no idea if she’s talking to you...then you look at her to see if she’s looking at you....but you can't tell because she COULD be looking at you with ONE eye...but the other one might be on your buddy sitting next to you. It’s so sneaky it should be asian.

Julie said...

1. I am envisioning a man that looks like he came out of an Old Navy commercial from a few summers ago.

2. That is so awesome that you chose Mr. Deeds. I was having a "Mr. Deeds quote-a-thon" this week at work ironically! Not to mention I got a whole sing-a-long going with "This is GROUND CONTROL to Major Tom...."

"I thought we were watching Scooby Doo?!"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

THANK YOU! I had a personal Mr. Deeds quote-a-thon with myself this morning.

Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.

That would explain a lot.

Anonymous said...

I envision this man to be an evil twin of Simon from Real Housewives of NY with a lazy eye... only he can wear a suit like that

Anonymous said...

I believe it was Winchestertonfieldville, IA. And yes, I too love that movie irrationally too much.

Anonymous said...

ugh, there's a girl who has a lazy eye at my college. she scares the shit out of me, and when i listed the positive things about graduating (during a f'ing recession), she was one of the top reasons i can move on with my life.

she met one of my best guy friends and thought we were together, even though we weren't. but since she was convinced of otherwise she would fb stalk/stalk me in real life to see if i was with him. in addition to always being verbally assaulted with questions, she would stare at me with her wonk eye and i could never fucking figure out where to look. ugh.

and my sat tutor in hs had a lazy eye and when he would ask us questions know one knew who he was talking to so we'd all stare at each other awkwardly until someone answered. we never knew if we were the actual person he was addressing.

the thing that pisses me off most is what kind of sick parent (that has the means) would see their child's wonk eye and not go through the proper measures to correct it? have them wear a damn eye patch while they're still young, and get their eye muscles stronger. it can lead to functional blindness or poor depth perception, so it's not like it's purely superficial. in addition to causing those things, it may lead to getting made fun of by hilarious blogs.

although i have a blog i'm keeping this anonymous for the fact that the stalker girl may see my comment. creepyfucker.

Anonymous said...

^no* not know

yeah i got a 690 on verbal and i go to a respectable college, but i can no longer function properly once i start talking about wonk eyes.

Stephanie said...

How unfortunately appropriate, because today at work, a girl with not a lazy eye but a crazy eye came in and I didn't know which one to make eye contact with when we were talking. One would look at me and the other one is looking at the espresso station...then Espresso Station eye looks at me and the other one is staring out the window...I would just trade back and forth or avoid looking at her altogether :(

Patrick said...

9 times out of 10 i usually ask the person what they're looking at when i meet the lazy-eye-carrier. i don't realize they actually have the lazy eye until i'm asking about it.

"ok, what are you looking.......oh....sorry.....i suck"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Wait, what's the difference between a "crazy eye" and a "lazy eye"? And I love the phrase "wonk eye."

God, freaks.

jen said...

how did you even survive an experience so awkward?!? i feel awkward for you and i wasnt even there. i cant wait to hear what your boss has to say about all this.

Anonymous said...

well, i have different categories of wonk(y)eyes. i just felt that i was using the phrase lazy eye too often, so i thought i'd switch it up. but i usually call messed up eyes wonky since it encompasses more categories. here's my list:

1) actual lazy eye, where one eye wanders
ex: kristen bell. it's barely noticeable in some episodes of VM, but she talks about it in interviews.
2) lopsided eyes
ex: shannen doherty and melissa joan hart
3) droopy eyelid. this is a confusing one because sometimes it works for a person (forest whitaker) and sometimes it doesn't (paris hilton). katy perry has it too.
4) funky, non-drooping eyelid. i may or may not be creating this category because i have it occasionally. i'm a mix of tons of things, filipino, spanish, and portuguese. but i'm mostly filipino and my eyes have a slight double eyelid. however when i don't get enough sleep, eat salty foods, cry, etc., one eye will have the fold and the other one won't. i feel like i look like quasimodo from disney's hunchback of notre dame. i think since my friends are all white they have no idea what i'm talking about when i point to my eye and go, "IT'S WONKY!!! IT'S WONKY! LOOK AT IT!"
but the only person i can think of that is a celebrity is ashley tisdale. her eyes look fine most of the time, but sometimes one eye looks smaller.
5) buggy eyes, which is self-explanatory

eyes that don't fit into any of these categories but still bother me are sleepy eyes, like the kind lisa marie presley or kristen stewart have. their eyes look dead and expressionless. it freaks me out.

i totally wrote this rather than study for my soc exam. i am awesome.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

A+! Best analysis of lazy eyes ever.

I also appreciated the celebrity references. I can't believe I never noticed Kristen Bell's freak eye before! VM is ruined for me!

Anonymous said...

you have 666 fans on facebook. that's only slightly creepy.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

DO I? Fuck. Are you aware of how superstitious I am? Someone needs to drop out or join ASAP. Preferably join.

jennifer robeson said...

oh my god this is so hilarious!

your blog is so hilarious.

i very much enjoy it :)

also i think you were more than nice to that man. if someone calls me at 3:30 for something (i'm done work at 5) i'm always like well it's a little late to get that started today! but tomorrow morning first thing!

cause the first thing part makes up for the being lazy for the next hour and a half part. i feel.

 
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