If I could marry an inanimate object, I would marry this empty carton of wine flavored Black & Milds. Just the fact that Black & Milds come in wine flavor makes me so genuinely happy to be alive. I just wanna come home from a long day at the office, pop in a João Gilberto CD, slip into something more comfortable and pour myself a nice tall glass of wine flavored Black & Mild.
I especially like how "wine" is on a golden scroll in a fancy italicized font to really drive home the point that these aren't just any Black & Milds—they're wine flavored. It's just so god damn perfect. It's like drinking a gold flavored 40. If I were to redesign the packaging, the only thing I would do is stick a marble column and a cherub somewhere on there. Besides that; aces.
My friend Lara found this "Super Kegel" at a Salvation Army in York Pennsylvania. I caught crabs immediately after looking at it.
Now, I understand that we're in a recession and times are tough. Lord knows I pinch pennies when I can: I buy generic brand at the grocery store; I drink significantly less when I go out (L0LZ! That's a lie and we both know it); I haven't been shopping in decades! It pains me, but I understand that when times are tough, sacrifices have to be made. That being said, there are just some things that I am not willing to buy at a discount. Anything that goes near my genitals happens to be one of them.
First of all, is a kegel device really necessary? I understand the value of a tight hey HEY hey, but buying a kegel exerciser seems somewhat frivolous. And I did some research—it's not inexpensive:
22-29 fucking dollars?? Do you know how much Nati Boh and Kashi you can buy with that? A lot. Recessionomics: act like you shoved your savings up your twat and squeeze tight.
Now let's say you just really, really need a kegel exerciser for whatever reason. I guess there's some merit in buying it for cheaps at the Salvation Army...but really? Look at it. It looks like it's been on that shelf since 1988. And look how the top is just ever so slightly ajar. You know punk kids have been shoving it between their legs and taking pictures with it since the Ford administration. There are just some things I don't want between my legs. A 10 cent kegel device from the Salvation Army is one of them. A wine flavored Black & Mild, is not. HI-OHHHH!
[Thanks Lara! @tralalara]