TALOL: Found Objects


Item #1:

If I could marry an inanimate object, I would marry this empty carton of wine flavored Black & Milds. Just the fact that Black & Milds come in wine flavor makes me so genuinely happy to be alive. I just wanna come home from a long day at the office, pop in a João Gilberto CD, slip into something more comfortable and pour myself a nice tall glass of wine flavored Black & Mild.

I especially like how "wine" is on a golden scroll in a fancy italicized font to really drive home the point that these aren't just any Black & Milds
they're wine flavored. It's just so god damn perfect. It's like drinking a gold flavored 40. If I were to redesign the packaging, the only thing I would do is stick a marble column and a cherub somewhere on there. Besides that; aces.

Item #2:

My friend Lara found this "Super Kegel" at a Salvation Army in York Pennsylvania. I caught crabs immediately after looking at it.

Now, I understand that we're in a recession and times are tough. Lord knows I pinch pennies when I can: I buy generic brand at the grocery store; I drink significantly less when I go out (L0LZ! That's a lie and we both know it); I haven't been shopping in decades! It pains me, but I understand that when times are tough, sacrifices have to be made. That being said, there are just some things that I am not willing to buy at a discount. Anything that goes near my genitals happens to be one of them.

First of all, is a kegel device really necessary? I understand the value of a tight hey HEY hey, but buying a kegel exerciser seems somewhat frivolous. And I did some research
it's not inexpensive:

22-29 fucking dollars?? Do you know how much Nati Boh and Kashi you can buy with that? A lot. Recessionomics: act like you shoved your savings up your twat and squeeze tight.

Now let's say you just really, really need a kegel exerciser for whatever reason. I guess there's some merit in buying it for cheaps at the Salvation Army...but really? Look at it. It looks like it's been on that shelf since 1988. And look how the top is just ever so slightly ajar. You know punk kids have been shoving it between their legs and taking pictures with it since the Ford administration. There are just some things I don't want between my legs. A 10 cent kegel device from the Salvation Army is one of them. A wine flavored Black & Mild, is not. HI-OHHHH!

[Thanks Lara! @tralalara]


Warren said...

This post reminds me of when I was at my local Walgreens and they had a sign up on a display advertising the "Semi Annual Douche Sale!". Of all the things to price to go, why douche? And it must be a really popular sale, since it's semi-annual. There must be some dirty clams in my neighborhood. Not to mention the douche on sale was generic brand with odd names like "Mountain Whisper" and "Tropical Rainfall". And the women on the boxes all had these bright, uber-pleased expressions on their face like could conquer the world, now that their yum-yum was bacteria free.


Julia said...

I was sitting in con law today and there's this dude that I think is pretty much prime fodder for TALOL. I'm talking self-cut super-short jean shorts, unabomber glasses (not aviators, inside reading-type GLASSES) and a random clearly-Salvation-Army long-sleeved Lakers jersey. Uncombed hair. All on a dude. Trying to get you a picture on the ol' BlackBerry...

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Jorts: the other white meat.

Casey said...

I remember a few weeks ago, I came down on you because I thought you insinuated that Pennsylvanians invented the Teletubby baby carrier thing,but now that I see the Super Kegel was found at a Salvation Army in my hometown of York, PA... I am raising the white flag.

There's no use fighting it anymore: we're trash.

Julia said...

Omg he even heard me referencing them as "jorts" when I was walking out with the cutie I sit with. Sidenote: apparently all I do in summer classes is check people out. Good job, law school.

xfileluv said...

As a natural childbirth educator and doula, let me assure you that you are free to keep your $22-29 to spend on booze. That Kegel (bit of trivia, it's pronounced kay-gull....the doctor was German) machine....honestly, I don't understand how it could even have a thing to do with exercising the Pubucoccus Muscle. The next time you are peeing, stop the flow of urine. (Men can--and should--do Kegels, too!) That is your PC (Kegel) muscle. That's it. How does that contraption even TRY to pretend it can work? Total scam.

Now go buy some cigars with the money I just saved you and on the way licka store afterward, do your Kegels!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Cigars. Kegels. Jorts. That's my memorial day weekend, I don't know about you.

Caitlin said...

This might be my Cajun idiocy showing, but what is Black & Mild?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

As per Urban Dictionary:

Black & Mild:

1.) A Middleton Company plastic filtered cigar commonly referred to as "blacks" used to obtain a head rush or to boost your high after smoking a blunt or marijuana in simplistic terms.

2.) A cigar that is made by the Middleton Company sold in many flavors: vanilla, chocolate, apple and many others.

3.) A black person who is soft spoken, calm, and you know...not a crazy, jumping up and down, shouting, rapping, crazy black person.

I stand by #1.

CountryMidwife said...

The next time you are peeing, stop the flow of urine. (Men can--and should--do Kegels, too!) That is your PC (Kegel) muscle.K, pubic service announcement: that's how to learn how to do them, but don't routinely do them on the pot or you'll get yourself a bladder infection. But do that same thing about 100 times during the day... the way to a nice strong vagina. Or, hell, just have a lot of orgasms... your body does it without the work.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

My strong vagina thanks you.

Monica said...

whoa, whoa.

aren't kegals an INTERNAL...area?

so wouldn't something have to be...INSERTED to exercise them?

anything inserted should not be purchased secondhand.

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