Bromance, Brody Jenner's find-a-friend reality competition, is like MTV's Christmas present to me. And thank you MTV! I love it! I'll wear it all year and think of you.
I don't want to get too graphic with you, but when I first heard that Bromance was in production, I came in my pants. Twice. First and foremost, I'm a sucker for a good pun and I chuckled over "Bromance" for at least three days. Bro-dy! Bro-culture! Romance! Bromance! ACES. Second, as we all know, I have a bizarre fascination with Bros. What with their backwards caps, boyish good looks, Jack Johnson CDs and energy drinks. But now I don't have to go out to observe their mystifying ways! MTV and Brody Jenner bring 'em right into my living room every Monday night! I owe you one MTV. In fact I'd like to repay you by pitching you another reality competition. I call it Bromancing the Stone. In it, I spend three weeks with 20 bros in a mansion and eliminate a few each week until I find that one special Bro who can melt my snarky ice-cold heart. In the end I learn to stop being such a stuck-up bitch and the Bros learn that there's more to life than banging chicks and Dane Cook DVDs. Yes? No? Get back to me.
Bromance: Episode 1
The show opens with Brody explaining what exactly a "bromance" is (a bond between you and your go-to guys). Currently Brody's go-to guys include Frankie of The Hills fame and a character named "Sleazy T." This is why bros fascinate me. Do you know how much ass Sleazy T probably gets, even though his name is based on a giant unattractive vice? A lot. That's how much. If I changed my name to Doesn't Give a Shit M, something tells me I probably wouldn't have any friends, nevertheless get copious amounts of ass. Sigh...damn glass ceiling.
On the first day of the competition, Frankie and Sleazy T send two security guys to wake up the Bros at their hotel at 4:30 in the morning. We're introduced to each Bro as they're "abducted" by the security guards, seen in cheap night vision on loan from Kim Kardashian's sex tape. I thoroughly enjoyed this scene because it's nothing but Bros in their boxers looking confused and tired. Just like I like 'em.
Right off the bat I'm intrigued by Michael because it's clear he spends more time on his eyebrows than I do mine. Except he doesn't have a defined arch; they just go up and then end abruptly so he looks like a perpetually concerned anime character.
The guys are taken to the Bro mansion. There's something slightly homoerotic about the scene where the Bros are half-naked on their knees with bags over their heads, holding hands waiting to meet Brody Jenner. Bro Chris P. gets some airtime and I decide that I totally want to do it with him and have his little yellow polo shirted babies. He then says "Brody Jenner is pretty much the Austin Powers of the 21st century" and suddenly I have plans to wash my hair.
Michael compares being in the Bro mansion to being in the Ahn-ee-mal house. Not animal. Ahn-ee-mal. That plus the eyebrows add up to Token Gay Guy. At this point I've also developed a crush on Gary who describes himself as "the guy who doesn't fit in, but finds a way to fit in" and looks like Pip from Lord of the Rings.
The Bro's first challenge is to find two hot chicks to take to a lingerie party that night at a club called "Hush." (As in hush, It'll only take a second.) The Bro with the hottest chicks wins. Femi boasts this will be a cakewalk because this is just an average day for him back home. Hm. Later when touring the house, Femi claims a top bunk so that when the Bros sleep, "they'll still look up to him." Something tells me Femi has a lot of experience being a top.
The Bros walk around the street like jackasses begging girls to come to their party. Back at the house they vent about how stressful this is in the can-fessional. A confessional booth in the bathroom. It's a real dump! L0LZ!
The Bros arrive at Hush and start to freak out because not a lot of girls have shown up. Gary is the first guy to have both of his ladies show. Score one for Pip! Michael gets in next because he's attracted two hot chicks with his gaydom. However he fucks it up when he gives Brody a birthday card in the club and Brody does the "Oh...hah...how sweet..." thing you do when you get an ugly sweater from your grandmother. It turns out the card says "It's time to get bromantic. From your new BFF Mike. Frankie Delgado move over!" Later Frankie drunkenly confronts Michael about how rude his card was, specifically because he didn't add a "haha" or "LOL" after the move over Frankie quip.
Luke (who has the world's most grating Boston accent) is psyched when his two ladies show up and as they're walking to the club says, "I'm psyched the girls are here now. And they're hot! I'm totally winning this." Then there's a beat and one of the girls in a pissed off tone inquires, "Winning what?" Please give this show an Emmy. Right now. For that scene alone.
Chris P. and Femi's chicks don't show up. Inside the club, the Bros are forced to give awkward, drunken toasts to Brody (aka Broasts). Jacob's is sloppy. Gary (who it turns out is a dance instructor? LOLZ! I love him even more now!) says that you can't have friendship without love. Frankie whispers something in Brody's ear, which I assume to be "fag!" but Brody in the most sincere way corrects him and says, "No, he's right, he's right. He's right! I like that toast! He's right!" Second Emmy-deserving moment.
Luke wins and Chris P. and Femi have to clean the club.
The next morning Michael decides to leave because Lauren Conrad isn't there and there are gross stains in the sink.
That night the Bros go to "Brody's" sick penthouse apartment and find out that whoever wins the competition also wins "his" apartment, fully furnished by West Elm. Michael must be kicking himself in his madras shorts.
The elimination ceremony takes place in a steamy hot tub and there are far too many shots of Brody lowering himself into it in slow-mo.
In the end Jacob is eliminated because he drops f-bombs, can't write a broast and wears a Panama Jack hat. Good call Mr. Jenner.
Is it next Monday yet?