[FYI: 2birds1blog is on Twitter now! Our (and when I say "our*," I mean Meg. Becca's too cool for Facebook, so something told me Twitter was out of the question.) username is 2birds1blog. If you liked this week's random thoughts post, make sure to follow us* on twitter!]
Oh my beloved readers. This has been a rough week for yours truly. I won’t get into the specifics; suffice to say that it has to do with my usual lack of a job/apartment/money/dude, except this week I also had the bank calling because I over withdrew my bank account by a number that has a shocking amount of zeros in it. My reaction to the number was “zoinks!” Now the banker probably thinks I destroyed my checking account eating sandwiches and riding around in a van solving mysteries all day. Ruh-roh...
However, when I feel depressed and pessimistic about life, there’s only one thing that can talk me down from the ledge: reading the profiles of Bros (Brophiles?) on match.com. Don't read the profiles of guys who look hot or actually seem interesting, just click the ones who seem like total Bros. If you ever need a pick-me-up, I can’t recommend doing this enough. The writing of a Bro trying to sound fuckable while still being soulful and introspective is comedic gold.
Here are some of my favorites:
- "things i’d like to do more often if law school wasn’t, well, law school: hot yoga, road races (not sure if I’ve got a marathon in me, but only because running for 3-4 hours seems like it’d get pretty old), take more pictures, hike, travel to off-the-map places, write poems."
This is literally the description of my anti-match. I would rather date a flagpole for the rest of my life than a guy in law school who writes poetry and loves hot yoga.
- "It sounds funny but I like to cook and eat good food for fun,."
No. Liking to cook and eating good food for fun doesn’t sound funny. It actually sounds normal. That’s like saying, “I’m such a bizarre weirdo freak—I like to sleep when I’m tired and drink when I’m thirsty! LOLZ!!! I know, I'm such a catch!!”
- "I have fits of creativity. Sometimes I'll be sculpting or painting. If I'm really inspired I'll do some sort of print making project. However apparent'y from what I've heard, as a guy, I'm not supposed to do these things?"
I love this because there’s so much effort to seem effortlessly unaware of an attractive trait. All of that effort cancels each other out and creates a black hole somewhere in the universe. This is like if I said, “I have to suck dick when I first wake up and again before I go to bed or else I get migraines. Which according to guys is “awesome”? I never knew, I just hate getting migraines. Guys are so weird..."
- "I live in a condo in the District at around 14th and K, NW. My style is pretty modern, international and funky. Think Italian furniture with lots of brushed metal and glass. I like to be unique in certain ways I guess."
This shit is LOLZ. I have to remember to get high and read that sentence again.
- "I have an artist's heart. I love reading and riding my bike out in the rain."
I like picturing this guy reading Catcher in the Rye as he rides his Huffy in the rain, sobbing, with REM’s “Everybody Hurts” playing in the background.
- "I love sushi, but I also love hot dogs."
This is the funniest fucking sentence on the face of the planet. I would seriously go on a date with this guy, simply for saying, “I love sushi, but I also love hot dogs.” It’s so Ralph Wiggum-esque I can barely stand it. I want to get it tattooed on my forearm so I can look down and laugh at it throughout my day.
- "I’d spend every day at the beach if I could, but for now, I’ve settled on trips to the tanning salon ;-)"
- "Cooking is my passion. I love seeing the transformation of raw ingredients into a polished final product. It’s magical."
- "I tend to spend way too much money on designer jeans and I have a fetish for white shoes."
- "I like buttons because they have such immense power in spite of their smallness."
That’s what she said?
- "Dangit 1316 more characters to go... More about me, I'm a Yeoman in the Navy."
- "I’m looking for a cool “friendship”, what I mean is someone to hang out with. Where you can just be yourself, No pressure, No expectations."
“I’m looking for a fuck-buddy” takes way less characters and gets the point across so much faster, don't you think?