The Worm


All right people, its GO time.

Cue the lights, and the fight song, and the cheerleaders – its go time. This is what we’ve been training for all year people. Remember all those times when you wanted to give up? And you felt you couldn’t go on? Cause it hurt so bad? Well all your hard work, all your dedication, all your blood, sweat, and tears – they weren’t for nothing. Pat yourself on the back my friend, you’ve made it to the big show. The big dance. I am talking, of course, about Thanksgiving Dinner.

You showed dedication this year, and don’t think management hasn’t noticed. With your steady diet of overeating for the past 12 months you have showed yourself to be a dedicated member of this team. A leader really, for you took it upon yourself to take weaker members under your wing. Whereas your Stomach’s natural inclination was to cry “I’m full” or “I might vomit if you put any more food in me” you said “Sack up, Stomach! There’s no “I” in team but there is “Eat” and “Meat” so quit your bitching and start digesting.” And it did. And it was good.

For you understand, you understand as an A-MUR-ican, that you just simply can’t eat as usual all year long and think that you’ll be able to come out victorious at Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving dinner is a strong opponent, with literally hundreds of years experience on you. She has been making diners cry and throw in the towel since before you could chew solid food. Other countries can’t handle her. No sir. But you can. You know the three P’s of Thanksgiving Dinner: Prep, Persevere, and Purge.

Prep is easy – eat a lot for as long as you can in advance. But my waistline! You say. Screw you and your waistline. When the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock and wondered how they were going to make it through a hard winder with little to no food and then the Native Americans showed up with a bounty so delicious and abundant it made them cry do you think the Pilgrims said “But Nay! I shall not indulge for I have no cloth from which to make a larger frock”? No, man! What’s wrong with you? The dug in. As shall you. To honor the sacrifice of our forefathers and the kindly natives they eventually killed. If you haven’t been prepping for an entire year don’t worry, just eat a big meal the night before, a big breakfast, and don’t skip lunch. Your stomach will be so stretched out it will take a mountain of mashed potatoes to fill it.

Persevere – did the American’s quit their fight for independence when it looked as if the Red Coats were sure to win? Did the NFL quit when that other football league was formed and American’s refused to give up their undying love of baseball? Did Budweiser quit trying to be the quintessential American beer when they were bought by a Belgian beverage conglomerate? HELL NO! They persevered and we’ve got The US of A, Budweiser American Lager, and NFL Sundays, Mondays, and sometimes Thursdays to show for it. Would you rather be in England drinking hard cider, watching pansy “football” and not celebrating Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. So when you get full, take a second. Set your fork down, take a sip of something fizzy. But for God’s sake man, do not let them clear your plate. For as sure as the Thanksgiving Parade is boring you will find room given time and you will be able to conquer that plate. Slow and steady wins the race. Start slow + eat slow = kick dinner’s ass.

Purge – look, I am not advocating making yourself vomit to fit more food. That would be irresponsible and wrong. Though if that’s the level of commitment you choose to show to this thing that’s on you and I salute as a fellow A-MUR-ican and eater. But there are other ways to purge. You gotta make some room down there, guys. Sure your stomach needs to do its part as an integral part of them team but lets not make the poor thing’s job any harder. Your stomach is the Clinton Portis of this whole operation – you give it the ball (Butterball), point it to an impenetrable wall of defense (stomach capacity) and expect it to make some gains. If you’ve trained right it will. But only a few yards at a time and with maximum bodily harm. So try and help it out by creating room where you can. Either create some physical room by taking some Alka Seltzer (its wonderful) or going to the bathroom, or create some caloric room by taking a walk around the block between courses/meals.

This brings us to the fourth and final, the “secret” P. It’s the steroids of the game that is Thanksgiving Dinner. The chemical edge that makes you succeed where others may fail. Except its not a chemical. Its an herb. And its as A-UR-ican as you can get; Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire and that cyclist guy and every professional weightlifter … these guys bleed red, white, and blue. Learn from their mistakes, don’t get caught. Only a little at a time. Don’t ask someone to help you use it unless you know they won’t go squealing to the Feds. And remember, you’re doing if for the love of the game, not personal glory.

Look, its been a tough road to get here. You should proud of yourself that you made it this far. You didn’t become vegetarian or go on a foreign vacation over the holiday like some others – you knew you were in it to win it. This is your destiny. Your destiny as an A-MUR-ican. Fulfill that destiny. And when you’re laying there on the floor tonight, meal consumed, mid-digestion, in that sweet, sweet pain that is both fullness and victoriousness, know that you have won.


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