I feel very apathetic about last night’s Britney Spears documentary, which is upsetting. I was really looking forward to it being juicier than it was. I’m so naïve, I fully expected her to be like, “Y’all I gotta tell you, I was doing meth and sniffing nail polish remover for the past year! And I fed my babies Dunk-a-Roos instead of breast-feeding! I even made a sex tape with Burt Reynolds! Let me tell you aaallll about it!” Alas, it wasn’t that interesting. But it wasn’t un-interesting. It was like when you’re craving a really good salad and then you have one and you’re like “Ok. Good.” And then life goes on.
COME ON BRITNEY! I’ve been a damn good fan to you (hi, you’re first tour? I was in the third row. All of your albums? Got ‘em. What keeps me going on the treadmill? “Toy Soldier.” Remember when you attacked an SUV with an umbrella and your publicist said you were studying for an upcoming role? I totally believed it.) so the least you could do is give me something gasp-worthy.
Ugh…I’m so bored. I’m gonna go get an online degree and a tattoo of a marijuana leaf to keep things interesting. If you missed the documentary, here are my favorite moments:
- The documentary opens with Britney’s dad cooking cheese grits while wearing a white tank top that’s so tight I fully expected him to give the camera guy a reach-around at any moment. He was also wearing like 76 pairs of sunglasses hanging at various levels from those sunglasses holders made out of beer koozie material. Frankly, the most interesting part of the documentary was getting to see up this guy’s white trash skirt.
- Was I the only one who thought Britney looked like a rode hard and put away wet version of herself in the “Oops!…I did it Again” video in her long-sleeved red turtleneck interview outfit?
- In reference to losing her shit and shaving off all of her hair, she actually defends herself saying that “lots of people shave their head!” That shit is LOLZ. Because they’re called cancer patients, not fading pop-stars.
- Britney tries to go shopping in SoHo and gets swamped by the paparazzi in a way that totally stressed me out and seemed scary. I felt like an asshole for being a tabloid-junkie for 30-seconds.
- There was a dressing room outfit montage! If you know only one thing about me, know that I love me a good dressing room outfit montage, so automatically this documentary picks up two more points.
- At a store Britney picks up a hat and says, “Ooh a burr-ET!” and it’s one of those awkward moments where you’re not sure if she’s being funny and purposely mispronouncing “beret,” or if she really is that dumb, and if you were there and she was your friend, you would probably just pretend to get a phone call and walk away from her to avoid the entire situation.
- About half way through the documentary, she talks about how no one really listens when she talks and doesn’t take anything she says seriously and starts to cry. That was legit. That was probably the only moment where I was really like, “Aw, I feel you boo” and felt genuinely bad for her.
- Madonna: WTF? I don’t give a shit about her divorce or whether or not she’s fucking A-Rod, but I do give a shit about the fact that she looks six facelifts to the wind and is entering that dangerous territory where she’s starting to look like a cat. Gwyneth should have been a true friend and stopped her like five nip-tucks ago…
- I’m offended for Britney that Madonna got so much face time in her documentary. Remember when Madonna needed a career-booster so Britney did her a solid and made out with her at the VMAs, but when Britney was going through her trashy phase and asked Madonna to be her son’s God-Mother she was like, “Uhhhh, no thanks.” Yea…I remember, you hagrid old bag of bones.
- I could watch Madonna talk to Britney backstage before their joint-performance for days. My inner awkward-monster feeds off of how uncomfortable it was. Remember that scene in “The Office” when Michael is trying to prove to the diversity coach that he has diverse friends by talking to Oscar, but they’re not actually friends so they have nothing to talk about and Michael doesn’t even know his last name and it’s just extremely uncomfortable to watch? Well, it was a lot like that.
- On Halloween, Britney’s dad shows up to the house dressed like a clown and her son and I have the same reaction: to burst into tears, start screaming, kick and flail about and hide our faces into the nearest set of pillows. Thanks a lot Mr. Spears for the inevitable nightmares.
- The documentary concludes with Britney talking about how she’ll be more guarded in life from now on and compares herself to the Karate Kid. Aw B. Money…I’m rooting for you.