12.14.2008

Inner Monologue Time!

Random Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh-Out Into Full Entries:
- I've recently switched from liquid body wash to bar soap. And sometimes I drop the soap. And .2% of me is nervous that when I bend over to pick it up, a prison style ass raping will follow. I've started to curtsy down to retrieve it.

- As anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person. Or an early afternoon person, let's be honest. I'm generally belligerent and unpleasant, and I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me between the hours of 5am and noon. Anticipating a new job starting soon (DEARGODPLEASE!) I've started to get up early in an effort to ween myself off of the vampire hours I usually keep. When I'm getting ready in the morning, I watch "NBC News" and then "The Today Show." I hate both equally, but I need some sort of background noise or else I'll fall back asleep mid-eye-lining thereby jabbing my eye with eyeliner and then tragically see only "slate brown" for the rest of my life. I believe, however, that the companies who advertise their products in the ungodly early working-gal/guy hours know that the demographic of people watching are half-asleep and cracked out. How else could the following commercial be explained? It was a commercial for an arthritis medication. As we all know, sufferers of arthritis generally have chronic pain in their hands and wrist joints. We've all seen the commercial of the sad man who is not capable of holding his tennis racket, or the housewife who can't garden anymore. This commercial however said, and I quote, "Having arthritis can make it difficult and even painful to experience [takes awkward pause] life's more [another awkward pause] simple pleasures." If that is not a blatant reference to jerking off, then I don't know what is. All the while an older couple is swimming around a pool. Okay, I don't consider synchronized swimming one of "life's simple pleasures," but I absolutely
consider gettin' off to be one. I salute you sufferers of arthritis and recommend you consult your doctor about Celebrex.

- The other day I was driving behind a car that had a bumper sticker that boggled my mind. It simply said "I drive...like I ski." I stared at this stupid bumper sticker for 10 minutes all the way down Rockville Pike trying to figure out the punchline. It's all I can think about now, it consumes me. I drive like I ski: fast? I drive like I ski: swerving? I drive like I ski: in snow? I drive like I ski: in tight spandex and a helmet carrying poles? I honestly hope it's the latter.

- You know what's awkward and always sneaks up on me? When you're in an elevator with someone and they say a polite parting line to you when they get off. For example, the other night I was in an elevator with a guy and when he got off at his floor he turned around and said, "Have a great night." I'm never prepared for this. It's just so polite. I mean, we weren't talking and I don't know you. But that's really nice. So then my inner monologue starts dissecting this act of kindness: "Oh shit, is he talking to me? Of course he's talking to me, I'm the only person in the elevator. Wow, what a nice and awkward thing to do. Is he trying to get in my pants? Would I let him? Is he Lebanese or just really tan? Either way that's hot right? FUCK! SAY SOMETHING BACK!" And then I manage to make out a soft "Your too. I mean you. Night. Ha." just as the doors have closed. This happens to me more than you would expect. And I'm sufficiently awkward about it each time.

- I found out that Long Island Ice Teas have 780 calories, and now I'm having an identity crisis.

- I was driving home from College Park the other night, and I ended up in Alexandria. How the shit did that happen? I was going from one point in Maryland to another. I hate Virginia because no matter where you drive around the tri-state area, you will inevitably end up lost in Virginia. I get up in the morning, walk to the bathroom and suddenly I'm on the Wilson Memorial Bridge lost as fuck. It should be studied.

- Free Willy 3 is currently on the HBO Family channel. What? There was a sequel? How many times can you free that fuckin' whale?

- When I was bored at work, I frequently played on-line Family Feud. I forgot why I stopped and recently started playing again. Now I remember how regoddamndiculously...ridiculous that game is. I don't know who these so-called 100 people they "surveyed" are, but they must be a group of glue sniffers. For example, the following question came up during the "fast money" round: "Name something people own, making them feel safe at night." I put "alarm system" and then thought, "you idiot, the #1 answer is probably a gun or something." The #1 answer was A PET. Yes, because if rapists and murderers break into my home, I know my cat is going to wake up, throw herself in front of me and use her non-opposable thumbs to clutch a gun and scare them away. Also, the system of the game is just flawed. Another "fast money" round question was, "name something bank robbers say to the bank teller." My answer was "give me money"...because that seems pretty reasonable. I received, however, no points for that answer. The #1 answer, worth 56 points however, was, "give me the money." I hate you.

- I have a dentist appointment Wednesday that I'm dreading. I hate the dentist because they always make me feel like I never brush my teeth and like I'm the dirt of the universe. I, in fact, brush twice daily, floss and use Scope mouthwash to chase away germs. I tell them that though and they're all, "WELL THEN WHERE DID THIS PLAQUE COME FROM??? YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT" and suddenly I'm convinced I haven't brushed my teeth in two years and I eat out of garbage cans. Now I'm confessing, "IT'S TRUE...I EAT DIRT!" Then I go home and I'm like wait...what just happened? Fucking dentists. My dentist also consistently thinks that I am five years younger than I am. I would bet good Mall Madness money that he'll ask me Wednesday if I'm nervous for freshman orientation.

- Car flirting. I'm not going to lie to you, I enjoy me some car flirting. I become a brazen hussy in the safety of my Sebring, a-makin'-eyes at the hot menfolk. And yet, my flirting efforts usually yield awkward results, as in real life. Monday I experienced an extreme case of car flirting. I was was stopped at a light on Wisconsin and I glanced at the car next to mine and saw a man who seriously could have been William H. Macy's twin in a sweet Audi. Noticing how weird it was that he looked like a clone of William H. Macy, I stared at him, realized how badly I was staring and looked away quickly. Then I looked back and he was staring at me and smiling. So I smiled back, and looked back towards the road. Then I looked back at him and smiled again. He did the same; this went on for a while. It got a little hardcore; at one point I seductively blew a bubble with my gum while looking at him. He laughed. I might be pregnant. I noticed that he had his turn signal on and was going to be turning onto Western, while I was staying on Wisconsin. I was a little disappointed, I was going to miss Mr. Macy. As his turning lane's light turned green, he looked back at me, smiled and did the salute motion (BALLSY, RIGHT?!). I girlishly giggled, looked down and then "sexily" whipped my head back up (I had the sexy wind-blown hair effect going courtesy of my air conditioning) while blowing another bubble giving him a wink. However, I guess I looked down too long and/or Mr. Macy sped off too fast because when I whipped my head back up doing my gum blowing/wink thing, I was met with the cold stare of an older Chinese man with a giant cross dangling from his mirror looking at me like I was a giant whore. My bad sir.

5 comments:

cras4 said...

I appreciate this entry waay more than I should.
I've had to train myself to never look at the car stopped next to me at a red light, it never ends well.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

hah! right??

Cassie H. said...

780 calories?!?!? Holl shit!!!!!!!11

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