12.15.2008

This totally beats a conjugal visit.

I am addicted to meet-an-inmate.com.
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A-ddicted. If I could boil it down, mix it with Ny-Quil, Windex, and battery acid and inject it into my veins, frankly I would. Meet-an-inmate.com is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; photo personals of female and male inmates. You can search inmates by sex, age, or by newest members. Whoever wrote the homepage description deserves a Pulitzer because they sort of make it sound like a good idea for about .5 seconds:
Can you imagine what it must be like for attractive men and women to be without companionship? These incarcerated female and male inmates are paying a price for crimes they have committed. These inmates are very real and are seeking you! Why not give it a try? Make the day of a lonely inmate! He/She will get excited when his/her name is called to receive a letter from you. Just think how lonely it must feel at mail call to never hear your name, especially after being locked up for several years and family and friends have deserted you. All of these prisoners behind bars have written me a letter requesting to be listed. It can be a lot of fun communicating with these individuals. Don't be shy, give it a try!

The inmate profile pics are hilarioussss! Most of them were taken in prison, so just imagine all of the classic lame Facebook poses but add a jumpsuit and one helluva child molester-y vibe. How hard must the ass-raping in the shower be after asking someone in the yard to take a picture of your good side from a flattering angle for your personals ad? Answer: so hard.

As far as the "about me" section goes, remember when I said there's nothing funnier than a Bro trying to sound introspective and sexy on a personals site? J/K, there is something funnier: inmates trying to sound introspective and sexy on a personals site. This shit is LOLZ. The best is that there's a fair amount of inmates who write something to the effect of "I never thought about going on an Internet dating site before..." or "Normally I wouldn't do this but..." Really? You're a part-time DJ who just got 7-10 for marijuana possession with intent to sell, at this point I think the fact that you're on an Internet dating website is the least embarrassing thing about yourself.

The most functional part of the website has to be the very faint chain link fence background image on all of the user profiles. That way when you think you're connecting with someones description and start to feel sorry for them being so lonely and think "I had a pen-pal in Girl Scouts and it was totally fun! I should do that again and brighten this poor person's day!" you'll see the chain-link fence and be like, "Oh, right! Criminal..."

Now before you think I've managed to become some Latina mami's prison bitch even before being sent to prison, let me explain why I'm so into this. I have created a game called "GuEsS tHe CrImE!" in conjunction with Meet-an-Inmate and if I do say so myself, it is some fine holiday family fun! It might be my new favorite weapon in The War Against Office Boredom. I say might only because I don't know if you want www.meet-an-inmate.com to be in your work computer's history. If you do--enjoy and you're welcome! However, if you get fired as a result of my blog (which I deem a worthy reason to get fired,) you're in luck because I am in desperate need of an intern to do a few administrative tasks around the bedroom office because my parent's cat current intern doesn't cuddle with me enough is going back to school. I pay in boxes of Kashi Go Lean cereal money.

How to play GuEsS tHe CrImE!
  • Go to www.meet-an-inmate.com
  • Pick an inmate
  • Guess what crime they committed to end up in jail (some clues to pay attention to are: location, age, release date, occupation before prison and activities in prison)
  • Google them to find out the answer
  • Guess correctly to win points. Points values are as follows:
Solicitation: 1 pt.
Failure to pay child support: 2pts.
Fire-arm possession related: 3pts.
Battery/Assault/Attempted anything: 4pts.
Marijuana related: 5pts.
Cocaine related: 5pts.
Meth related: 6 pts.
Bank robbery: 7pts.
Arson: 8pts.
Kidnapping: 9pts.
Attempted Murder: 10pts.
Murder/Lifer/Death Row: YAHTZEE!

Let's do one together:
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$un$hine Th0rt0n (excuse the dollar signs and zeros. I've learned the hard way that people like to google themselves and don't love it when I talk about them on my blog. And Lord knows I'm not fuckin' around with this chick.)
OK, so let's look at some important clues about Ms. Th0rt0n:
1.) She was pre-determined to be white trash at birth with a name like that.
2.) She's got a shape to her, dark red lipstick and 90's pageant hair.
3.) "I very much enjoy my mischievous side, having learned to take each opportunity to instigate a good laugh."
4.) Incarcerated in Texas
5.) Being released in 2012
6.) Was in sales and now likes to workout and play sports in the slammer

Hmm...1,2 and 3 suggest a healthy dose of white trash suggesting a meth charge or assault and battery on a a babby daddy. However, 6 tells us she was in "sales" before jail which could indicate solicitation. Her release date isn't too far away and 3 tells us she hasn't fully learned her lesson which makes me think what she did wasn't too embarrassing or horrible. This is a doozy...I'm going to go with possession of meth but not with intent to sell.

Survey says!
+3 points! GAHH! I had the meth part right, but looks like someone didn't learn their lesson from the movie Traffic. Ergo, I gave myself only half of the full 6 points a meth related charge carries.

Oh well, so close. Until next time, I'm your host Meg McBlogger asking you to help control the convict population; have your hookers and meth addicts spayed or neutered. So long everyone!

7 comments:

Talia said...

$un$hine Th0rt0n

is there any other way to do $'s and 0's? $exy bi0tchzzzz!

CK said...

just remember, if you meet someone who is a forklift operator by day, and a DJ by night, they are/will be/have been on meet-an-inmate.com.

Miss Mak said...

L@ves !t-

Ashley said...

Damn, I was thinking robbery...based on the sales bit. I think this game is going to take some practice.

And since the tech boys STILL haven't brought in a computer, I'm stuck using my personal laptop. Which means they'll never know my new favorite game.

Andrew said...

Oh my God... this is my new favorite game.

Elizabeth Stratton said...

This is really interesting.. I liked the game.. Good site with variety posts.. i enjoyed reading Keep sharing posts in the future as well..

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