Isn't it a Shame That:
People with heavy accents/new English speakers who don’t have the best command of the language automatically sound like they are sort of “simple”? They're probably thinking the most intelligent, complexly worded thoughts about what an asshole you are because you're talking to them the same way you’d talk to a five year old. Only they’re thinking it in their language and can only smile and nod at you. Gosh that would suck.
Movies are now, on average, 17 million hours long? Who has that kind of attention span? Who gives a shit? There are very few subjects that I care about enough to watch them for that long. Its insulting really – I have plenty of better things to do with my day than spend the vast majority of it watching some big-shot director indulge his egomaniacal streak. I get it, you’re a genius, your work is amazing, I willingly spent $10 to sit here in the dark and try not to fall asleep – can I go now?
They don’t make some of those awesome ‘90s after-school snack food anymore? Remember Fruitopia – the first trendy juice drink in a glass bottle with a black cap and a cool swirly logo? Now Honestea has jacked their black cap and people under the age of 24 don’t remember it ever existed. Fruitopia is the backwater blues singer to Nantucket Nectar’s Elvis – without one there couldn’t be the other. Or Dunkaroos? Which were just essentially animal crackers shaped like kangaroos that came with a handily packaged container of cake frosting for you to dunk them in? See you don’t just eat ‘em, you dunk-a-roo! Those were the days.
Saturday Night Live sucks again? You know who should be the most pissed off about this? Andy Samberg – that guy is hilarious. He wrote “Dick in a Box” for God’s sake! And no one is watching the show because Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are gone and we once again have that void. One person cannot carry SNL, I am so sorry Andy. Hey remember that movie you made where you were some sort of semi-retarded version of “Jackass” with a hero complex? Yeah me neither, I am pretty sure you made it though. My advice to you is get a new agent and hang in there – the talent behind “Jizz in My Pants” is too big to contain.
Certain beverages are high in calories? You don’t chew them, they’re not food, they won’t make you full – so how come soda, and alcohol, and fruit juice are all fattening? So lame. You do so well, you eat healthy, and you hate it, and the only thing getting you through is that beer at the end of the day and BAM! Might as well have had half a candy bar ‘cause that beer has plenty o’calories. Fruit juice is the worse cause you think its healthy and good for you – and it is – but if you drink it you better make sure to adjust for it, cause those sugar calories are like you drank a glass of Pixie Stix. Fruit is nature’s candy – fuckin’ nature. So uncool.
It’s socially unacceptable to pick your nose? I mean – we all do it, let just be honest here. But you have to hide it, and do it furtively, when no one is watching. Which can be dangerous, especially if you have long-ish fingernails. I know you feel me. Why can’t it be ok? You know, you blow, something more is hanging on, you grab it, you put in a tissue, you wash your hands, you move on. I mean, blowing your nose is kinda gross so we try and do it in certain situations and not others – in the bathroom at a restaurant, not at the table – so why can’t picking your nose be like that? It’s just a suggestion.
Corey Feldman turned into such a hot mess? That guy is a great actor: I name, in no particular order, some of his films: Goonies, The ‘Burbs, Stand By Me. You had me at Goonies. But did anyone see him on The Surreal Life? He was a total douche. Yeah some bad stuff happened to him in his life – his parents stole his money, he was most likely molested by Michael Jackson, he had a coke problem by age 12 – but that doesn’t mean he has to be so lame. Corey F. you were always the cooler of the two Coreys – everyone knew it. And look at Cory H. now – he’s just a puffy older version of his young hot skater self. You still have the talent. You are a great actor. Please pull yourself together, get your head out of your ass, and make a good movie. Call Robert Downey, Jr., I bet he can give you some advice.
Snow days are only for school kids? Snow is exciting! It’s a downright meteorological miracle – its water, but it’s frozen, but its not so frozen its ice, its something different - its snow. It’s like Slurpees from heaven, minus the flavors. So why can’t everyone get the day off when it snows? It is definitely inconvenient to travel in, and dangerous. And more often that not it’s gone by the next day. So why can’t we all enjoy in that childhood pleasure of a snow day? I defy anyone to name an experience greater than waking up and before you even open your eyes knowing that is has snowed because the sound of cars driving down the road is muffled. You rush to the tv, sit in your jammies and wait for them to call your school district’s name. You wait, you wait … yes! Montgomery County! The best part is that you really do get a full day to enjoy it because you woke up at normal time and are way too excited to go back to sleep. Who can I talk to about this?
No one sells Coors Original? Coors is delicious. It’s the Banquet Beer! You can only buy it at Harris Teeter or in redneck parts of Virginia (I know, I know, but that’s all of VA! But I digress…) Coors Light is really not that good. Miller, Miller Lite, Bud, and Bud Light are all equally terrible. But sometimes I want a beer that will neither fill me up nor cost $6 and High Life just isn’t gonna cut it. Seriously – bar owners of DC – PLEASE START SERVING COORS ORIGINAL. It’s delicious, people will buy it, I promise. Someone needs to do a Coors happy hour special – you watch how popular it will get. In fact, I call it now – Coors is the next Pabst – trendy in its untrendiness. Though the first time I see some hipster drinking a Coors Original I will definitely bitch about it. But I’ll secretly be happy because it means a) I can buy it at my local beer/wine/liquor store and b) I was right. And I love being right.