12.10.2008

I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST: Psychic Healing in our Nation's Capitol

As I mentioned earlier this week, I have bad luck. But like total life bad luck. I was born under a bad sign. You guys…I think I’m cursed. But like, I seriously think I’m cursed. Or my energy is out of whack and my karma needs cleansing or some shit. I was informed while watching an episode of “House” tonight with my mom that shortly after she got pregnant with me, she developed Pre-eclampsia, which means she was about to develop Eclampsia which basically means your pregnancy fills you to the brim with toxins and kills you. I HAVE BEEN A TOXIC PRESENCE SINCE MY CONCEPTION! That didn’t happen with her pregnancy with Becca! I suck so badly.

I do have a theory on how I got cursed: my mom maintains that she’s part witch and indeed comes from a family of people who practiced Kabbalah (a mystic form of Judaism. And they did it before Madonna made it hot and trendy, thank you very much.) I also know that my mom’s Aunt Florence (Aunt Flo…HAH!) greatly disliked my mother (a second-born daughter) and favored her older sister. ERGO, I believe that as a fuck-you to my mom, she put a curse on her second-born daughter. That would be this guy. Thanks a lot Great Aunt Flo! (Great Aunt Flo…HAH!)

But look here Florence, you old bat, no one puts a curse on me and gets away with it! I have jobs to get, apartments to dwell in and success to achieve! So come hell or high water, I will remove this curse and cleanse my karma and remove my energy block or whatever the fuck I have to do to make this curse akrite whether you like it or not!

How to Remove a Curse:
So naturally I started by googling “I think I’m cursed.” The first hit was a Yahoo answers page:
"Best Answer - Chosen by Voters
God says, commit all your ways to Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

The direction of my life changed immensely when I turned to Jesus Christ. And it's not about luck; it's about God blessing me because He gives good things to His children."

LOLZ! No but seriously. Most suggestions for “I think I’m cursed” involve a lot of praying and attitude changing. Look, that may be all fine and dandy for the average Cursed-One, but I have a deadline looming. I don’t have a ton of time to pray to my Lord Tim Gunn to give me the strength to get over this effin’ curse.

Other unhelpful suggestions include:
“Start thinking positive, we have much more influence over things in our lives than most people think we do.”
Please see my past two blog posts.

“Another possibility is that you're just ‘in a funk’ psychologically and so a good licensed psychologist might be able to help.”
I have a good licensed psychologist. He looks like if Vern Troyer weren’t a little person. The only thing he’s helped me do is imagine what Vern Troyer would look like if he weren’t a little person.

I need something stronger. I want to skip right to the hard stuff. I want a voodoo priestess to throw chicken blood on me and then I want to trip on Peyote with my Indian spirit guide and see the answers to life’s questions in the eye of a crawfish or something equally off-putting.

My resources are limited, however. A google search for “Spirit guide, Washington DC” only netted results for how to reserve The Sprit of DC for a night. If I want a relaxing cocktail cruise down the Potomac, I’m covered, but that’s not quite where my priorities lie at the moment.

After much on-line research, here are my final curse-removal options:

1.) Consult Psychic Katherine of Divine Psychic Solutions. Psychic Katherine can blanace my Chakra and metaphysically heal me over email. Or AIM.
2.) Ask the Temple of Yehwe. So, the Temple of Yehwe is a Haitian Vodou church founded in Washington DC in 1996. Their website has a handy “Ask the Temple” section where I could fill out a form asking them politely if they can remove my curse. The chances of me getting doused with chicken blood are probably not as high as the chances that they’ll think I’m joking and toss me out on my white ass, but I think it’s worth a shot.
3.) I also might have a shot of getting the chicken blood treatment if I go to the Psychic Studio of DC. Is it a little too close to Trinidad for my comfort? Yes. Do I have a sense of adventure and not a lot of time to work with? Yes & yes!
4.) Go to Mrs. Natalie of Georgetown. I’m torn about this option. Any psychic who can keep a boutique space open in Georgetown automatically impresses me simply on a fiscal level. But then again, any psychic who has a Yahoo email account and a “mention this for 1/2 off” ad loses some street cred in my eyes.
5.) A Reiki healing with Reiki Master David P. Wright at Blue Lotus Treasures. From what I gather from Wikipedia, Reiki is where someone moves their hands over you through which a warm tingly sensation is produced leading to healing and clarity. And let me tell you, it has been far too long since a man has used his hands to give me a warm tingly sensation (ZING!…I’m so sorry, it grossed me out too).

Inspired by Rachel’s wedding blog advice snafu yesterday, I realized that I have seriously underestimated the power of asking complete strangers what to do with my life. So here’s the deal, you tell me which way I should get my curse removed and I’ll do it, document it with my camera, post the pictures and write an entry about it. Here are your options again:
1.) Psychic email/AIM conversation with Psychic Katherine
2.) Ask the Vodou temple
3.) Go to the Psychic Studio in Trinidad (the dangerous hood in DC, not the Island, for you out-of-towners)
4.) Get a ritzy Georgetown psychic reading
5.) Get felt up by a Reiki Master

Post your vote under “comments” and I promise you I’ll go through with whatever option wins the majority of the vote. No pressure to leave a witty comment or feel weird if I don’t know you, it’s cool to just post a number anonymously.

Thanks for the help.

AND SUCK IT GREAT AUNT FLO!!! (...HAH!)

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

5...enjoy.

Ushma said...

#5 definitely.

Anonymous said...

2. Without a doubt.

Alex said...

Go to the Psychic Studio in Trinidad.

I know of your secret love for Trinidad and the ever-present threat of a throw down in the hood. Lock and load, and then get cured.

Anonymous said...

I prefer three but fear for your safety.

Anonymous said...

five! win-win situation i think.

Sarah said...

Def option number 5!!

Ashley said...

I vote #3, mainly because it sounds the most rife with misadventure and sounds like a promising blog.

As a side note, shouldn't you be getting SOME karma points for making people laugh and therefore having a better day at work? (Ie, less likely to punch their boss in the face) No?

Anonymous said...

2 or 3.

Meee! said...

Get your tonsils out?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

what if that's where my curse is from? it's the negative energy from my giant tonsils.

unlikely. i'll never give in. bwaha!

Andrew said...

My vote is for the ritzy Georgetown psychic, but I feel like the Trinidad option will win, and I want you to know I fully support that.

Anonymous said...

3.) Go to the Psychic Studio in Trinidad (the dangerous hood in DC, not the Island, for you out-of-towners)

this one sounds like when tarra went into the woods in True Blood. I like it. and I will go w/ you

xoxo gossip girl aka talia

rachbrandon said...

I say #4, if it sucks then at least there will be a bar near by that you can (safely) go to should it suck majorly.

Laura said...

#4...because I've been thinking about seeing a psychic and need to find a good one.

Shannon said...

I also like #4 -- retail therapy is nearby

Anonymous said...

5. fo sho

Helena said...

Option 2, for real. I'm pretty sure they'll welcome you with open arms. On the other hand, if you go with Mrs. Natalie you can come visit me right after. I've also been curious about her at least once a week for the past 3 years and I'd rather have you do the legwork.

rebecca said...

3/5 combo. Reiki in Trinadad... nothing hysterically inappropriate could happen there.

Anonymous said...

♥♥♥ your blog.

# 5 gets my vote

Anonymous said...

number 5

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

SOMEONE'S GETTIN' FELT UP BY A REIKI MASTTERRRRR...

heels said...

3 fo' sho, but an area that is coined after a sketchy island off the northeastern coast of Venezuela scares me for you so I would be content with number 5 if you can't pull the trigger.

Anonymous said...

let me know if you've tried any of them. i'm looking for a solution myself. a serious one

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