1.28.2009

My Top 5 All-Time Grudges

One of my many character flaws is that I hold one helluva grudge. My marathon grudges are all part of my Make it Right Theory. Here's the deal- if I feel that you have wronged me in some way, I won't let it go. Ever. I mean, not like I'll harass or bully you or anything, you just get a little asterisk next to your name in my mental Rolodex of the people I know. If an asterisked person is mentioned in casual conversation, I will shudder audibly and gladly tell whomever I'm with the complete story of what you did to deserve The Grudge. With that being said, it's very easy to get The Grudge reversed. All you have to do is make it right with me. Making it right can be as quick and easy as a "sorry" or as complicated as you want it to be. You just have to make it right. Energy has to be put forth. However, if you don't make it right with me (no matter how minute or stupid your offense was) I will continue The Grudge indefinitely.

And when I say indefinitely
, I do mean indefinitely. I'm currently holding some extremely old and outdated grudges. Yeah, it's sort of embarrassing to admit I hate someone with a fiery passion for something they did 11 years ago, but it doesn't matter! They didn't make it right, so The Grudge continues. My mom calls it an unhealthy waste of energy. I call it impressive.

My Top 5 All-Time Grudges:

#5 Kelly M: Kelly M is this total Ice Queen type who married an adorable friend of the family named Jason. One day when I was 14, Kelly and Jason came over with either their new dog or new baby (it's all the same to me) to have lunch with my family. Now, as I've mentioned before, my boobs are a wee bit big. And let me tell you, dealing with stripper boobs at age 14 is a mortifying curse that I wish upon no one. I tried my best to dress appropriately and make sure things were always well supported and covered, but I'm not a magician, damnit! I can't make 'em disappear! Now as I mentioned, Kelly M is a prude with a real stick up her WASP ass. Thus, I think this Jewess with huge knockers greatly offended her. That day, I wore what was possibly a too tight white t-shirt to lunch. I can still see the look Kelly gave me when I descended the stairs for lunch. It was sort of a cross between anger, judgment, pity and pure disgust. It's an emotion I call "anjupituist." All afternoon long, her beady cold eyes stared across the table at me with burning anjupituistment. After she left, the first thing Becca said was "Woah! Did you see the way Kelly was staring at your boobs all afternoon?!" Yes. Yes I had, thank you. Even though this happened nine years ago, I still get fired up thinking about it. I didn't ask for boobs that qualify me as a sideshow, thank you very much! And I was only 14-years-old! I was already painfully uncomfortable in my body, I didn't need the added stress of this woman declaring a Jihad on my jugs! Of course, Kelly never apologized for being so blatantly innapropriate. Since then, she's normally never brought up around me without "CUNT!" uncontrollably flying out of my mouth.
#4 Jessica P: I don't do gym class. That's all I got for you. I really don't feel a need to justify that statement or make excuses for myself. Thankfully, my mom always understood this and would send me off to school at the beginning of each year with a bunch of blank signed note cards. If we were doing an activity in gym class that I really, really didn't want to do, I could pull out a signed note and write in the excuse of why I wouldn't be participating that day. Unfortunately for me, the sixth grade gymnastics unit was two and a half weeks long and I ran out of signed notes by day six. On day seven, we were scheduled to do back flips strapped into a rickety old harness from 1976. My innocent little sixth grade self looked at that situation, said "fuck that noise!" and decided to gracefully hide in the bathroom instead. There I was, sittin' in the john reading a magazine, waiting for the 45-minute class to go by when Jessica P came in. Jessica P was your classic stuck-up middle school bitch, and when I saw her peek into my bathroom stall, I knew I was fucked. And I was. Jessica P ran and told our gym teacher, Ms. Skidmore, that I was hiding in the bathroom and not participating in the activity. Ms. Skidmore came into the bathroom where I delivered an Oscar-worthy performance of the one-woman show "Oh, I'm not hiding! I lost an earring and I'm looking for it!" Ms. Skidmore let me off with a warning and told me that if I hid out during class again, I would be sent to the principal. Ten minutes later, as I was whirling through the air with a too-tight harness strapped around my groin and ass, I vowed to get revenge on Jessica P. I haven't yet, but I'm warning you that if I were to ever see Jessica P at a bar downtown after a few too many chardonnays, I would very likely sucker-punch her in the face and run away to avoid the charges.
#3 Dana P: Oddly enough, this is another gym-class related grudge. This one takes place freshman year of high school during the badminton unit. In the beginning of class, we were sitting against a wall listening to a lecture about the importance of treating our badminton rackets with respect. We were told explicitly not to bang the frames of our rackets on the ground because it would cause the strings to snap, and we would be shit outta luck. When the lecture ended, we were instructed to go get rackets from the racket bin. Being the kind of person who doesn't get too psyched about badminton, I was in no way prepared to race over to the bin and fight the crowds to get a "sweet" racket. I let the crowds swarm and take first pick, while I leisurely strolled over and got the last racket, which basically looked like an untied shoe. Figuring I wasn't exactly trying to win Wimbledon, I shrugged, picked up the racket and sat back down to talk to my friends until it was my turn at the net. As I sat there bored and staring into space, I absent-mindedly twirled my racket handle in my hand. NOT BANGED IT, twirled it. The frame of the racket AT NO POINT touched the ground. However, the next thing I knew, old Dana P was shouting to our teacher, "MS. BURT!!!! MEGHAN MCBLOGGER IS SLAMMING HER RACKET ON THE GROUND!!!!!! SHE BROKE IT!!!!!" Yes. That's right. I had yet again been sold out to yet another butch gym teacher by yet another bitchy girl. "MEGHAN MCBLOGGER! WHAT DID I TELL YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF CLASS?!" Ms. Burt shouted at me. I stared back at Dana P in complete and utter shock. I could not believe I had just been called out by this girl. I could only mutter half words like "Wha? Are you kidd? Seriou? I...." in disbelief. I had never done anything mean to this girl to my knowledge and I had no idea why Dana P had decided to pull such a d-bag move. Thankfully, Kari, our class' infamous psycho bitch, stood up for me and sweared up down and sideways that I hadn't banged my racket on the ground and it was broken when I got it. I guess Ms. Burt figured if the school's resident sociopath was willing to go to bat for me, she might as well just back off. In the end I got off with a warning, Dana never apologized and my badminton game has never been the same since. Game. Set. Grudge.

#2 Shannon M: I've made reference to this grudge before, but I'll gladly tell the tale again. This Grudge dates back to preschool. Yes, that's correct. Millian Methodist Preschool. I was just a wee little Meglet with a bob haircut, a stuffed animal named Monty and a huge chip on my shoulder. My best friend in preschool's name was Katie, and one day my mom and I joined Katie and her mom at their country club's pool. I was nervous to meet Katie's country club friends, but I was very friendly and played well with everyone, until it was time to jump off the diving board. Being afraid of heights, I decided to sit this activity out and wade in the water cheering everyone on. Shannon M. jumped off the diving board, got out of the water, walked up to me as I clung to the edge of the pool in the deep end and said, "Aw! Look at the baby too scared to jump off the diving board!" Then! The little cunt splashed water directly into my face! It was an aquatic bitch slap at the age of five! My little Meglet eyes welled up with tears and a grudge was born. I got my revenge when she got giant nerdy purple glasses a few months later and cried for a week straight and refused to go to any play dates. I can still see those fugly-ass glasses with wire butterflys decorating the giant purple rims. Muhahahaha! However, just because karma bit Shannon in the ass doesn't mean that she made it right with me. The Grudge is very much alive and well today. In fact, when I was a freshman at AU, my mom ran into Shannon's mom at the Giant and found out that Shannon was going to Catholic and was miserable there. When she got home from the Giant, my mom told this to me and asked me to give her a call and go to dinner with her sometime. My response? "No fucking way! That bitch called me a baby and splashed me in the face in preschool at Argyle Country Club! That's what she gets!" ...Seriously people, just make it right with me. I'm really not fucking around.

#1 Emmy G: This grudge dates back to 1988 and involves a vicious game of hide-and-seek. A few months before I was born, my family moved down to DC from Connecticut. One year we took a little vacation back to Connecticut so my parents could see their friends and Becca could see her old BFF Jenny. Jenny had a little sister my age named Emmy whom I had never met before but became fast friends with. One afternoon, Becca, Jenny, Emmy, Becca's friend Eric and I were playing hide-and-seek. Emmy and I were hiding together behind a wood pile and "the big kids" were the seekers. As the big kids got closer to us, Emmy turned to me and hissed "UUGHHHHH, GAWD!!! THEY'RE GOING TO SEE US BECAUSE OF YOUR BIG FAT FACE!!!" My eyes turned black and shot Emmy a look that even at 3 years-old clearly communicated, "BITCH, PLEASE!" I walked up to the seekers all "bitch is behind the wood pile" and went inside to get a sandwich, leaving Emmy screaming and crying behind the woodpile because I sold her ass out. Even though our respective moms yelled at us and told us we were both in the wrong, I never got an apology from her. Ergo, The Grudge will go with me to the grave.

Yep, the patented Meg McBlogger Make it Right Theory. I highly recommend you let it enrich your life. And You're welcome.

27 comments:

Talia said...

there is nothing I love more than hearing stories about my little meglet,

and i totally remember this: In the beginning of class, we were sitting against a wall listening to a lecture about the importance of treating our badminton rackets with respect. We were told explicitly not to bang the frames of our rackets on the ground because it would cause the strings to snap, and we would be shit outta luck


ALL I wanted to do was BANG that shit on the ground!!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

RIGHT?!?!?! I mean, I didn't, but it was tempting because they made such a big deal out of it every year.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised some certain teachers didn't come out on your top five grudges of all times lol...s&m smut...classic.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ah, yes. No matter how much I want to, I can't hold a grudge against him. Holding anything against him would just be far too nauseating.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

For the record, Jessica P just showed up in my facebook "People You Might Know" section.

Know = sucker punch.

cait said...

i just laughed my ass off at the emmy g story.

you rock my world, mcblogger.

Anna said...

You are amazing!!!
This is the funniest thing i have read in months. Yes, my life is sad, but you're awesome.
Thank you for good laugh.

Mary said...

Ummmm you're kinda hilarious and I love your blog. Thanks for helping me through an insanely boring day at work.

Brendan said...

No grudges since the age of 14? Impressive

Anonymous said...

Meg! You are hilarious! One of my g/fs forwarded me one of your blogs and I've been reading ever since! Mostly because I can relate to how you write and see things the same way! For example, i totally understand what you mean about grudges. I recently got a FB request from this chick Jessica D. OK, this is the girl that Freshman got between me and one of my best friends. She was/is just EVIL! She was manipulating trying to play innocent, spreading rumors (but smart about it, not directly to anyone but to ppl she knew who would tell others).. everyone thought I was the mean one for not liking her and saying she was pulling sh*t.. I knew that bitch was up to no good.. I just couldn't PROVE it exactly.. And my guy friend she was after told me i was being just mean (she knew I was on to her and was giving him some sob story about how mean i was to her and he knew i didn't like her so it wasn't so hard to believe her lies since she was stroking his ego at the same time).. But hurt our friendship... but Karma's a Bitch... so what happened? Senior yr EVERYONE found out about the web of lies she had been telling and sh*t she was pulling!! My guy friend apologized to me Senior yr.. and vowed he should've listened to me! Long story short, Karma's a bitch but that wasn't enough for me cuz she never made things right with me, so i DENIED that Bitch! She's just one of those bitter chicks from the past that want to be nosy and see your pictures! **ali

Michelle said...

I have never really read blogs before and decided to check this one out after seeing it in the article in the Express. God you so gave me chills about the bitches in your gym classes...totally had them...especially during dodgeball where I tried my best to be sick those days since I was an easy target. Thanks for the crack-ups! Will definitely explore this blog!

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Ali Nixon said...

Dear Meg(let),

I realize this post is old. Over a year old...but it was sent to me by a friend for the following reasons;

When I started Kindergarten, I was SO excited. I loved being a people pleaser, learning, and overall being a suck up. Anything that got me positive attention (I was and am an only child). So when I went started Kindergarten, by GOD I WAS GOING TO LEARN EVERYTHING!

I already knew how to read (EXTREMELY uncommon at my "awesome" Texas public school), so my focus was on the other lessons--don't run with scissors, treat others like you like to be treated, blah blah blah.

And I do mean blah blah blah. Because obviously, these lessons didn't mean much to the teacher.

One day we were given an assignment, to circle all the things that "made noise" on this drawing. There was a basketball being bounced into a puddle, a person yelling...it actually looked like a New York Street scene, but that is irrelevant. I circled my answers, and ran to sit down to see what was next.

There were four kids who took FOREVER. I mean, FOREVER to finish the assignment. They sat down, and then we were taught the lesson: Taking your time gets you an extra treat. While everyone else got orange juice, the last four got candy.

SAY WHAT?

Lesson learned. Ali would take her time from now on.

(In my head the..) Next day. Project. Can't remember the details, and frankly don't care. All I knew is that I was GOING to be the last person finished. However, when you finished THIS project you got a yarn doll (do you know what I am talking about? They are made around a shoebox?). Anyway, no one could decide on Boy or Girl, so everyone was getting two yarn dolls.

Everyone in the class that is, but me. I finished last. I took my time. And I got ONE yarn doll. "Because you were so slow, Alison, you get one yarn doll. Boy or girl." "Girl..." I sad through hot tangy tears. Girl, mother fucker. Girl.

I cried the entire way home from school. And I still hate her.

Recently I found out that teacher died an extremely tragic death.

And yes. I still hate her.

Thanks for the laughs! I am in my last week of law school and sometimes...your blog gets me through the day...

Anonymous said...

Viewing at work, so you'll have to forgive if I skipped over it. But please, please tell me that you at least the tell the offender that they have offended. Not everyone thinks the same way. People will always annoy people. A single courtesy of a "Hey, why did you do/say that?" can make the difference in the world. You can't expect an apology if the person who offended is not even aware of the offense. That's life. It's messy sometimes.

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Amy said...

Definitely laughing my ass off at the Shannon M. story... and I love how you still wouldn't give her a call even years later in college- but the bitch deserved it, obviously.

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Khi thai kì tháng thứ 8 các mẹ cần bổ sung đầy đủ chất dinh dưỡng cũng như các loại thức ăn tươi sống an toàn. Vậy mang thai thang thu 8 nen an gi? Ngoài ra, bà bầu nên tránh những thực phẩm để tủ lạnh, thực phẩm được chế biến trước và thực phẩm đóng gói. Những thực phẩm chứa nhiều chất bảo quản và phụ gia cũng nên tránh xa. Một chế độ ăn giàu protein, canxi và sắt rất quan trọng để mẹ và bé đều có sức khỏe tốt.
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Trong thời gian này, âm đạo sẽ tiết ra nhiều dịch và khí hơn, do đó mỗi ngày cần vệ sinh sạch sẽ thường xuyên phía ngoài âm đạo, cần rửa sạch và thay băng vệ sinh, nếu cần thiết.
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Khi đang mang thai tháng thứ 8, có thể bà bầu sẽ chuyển dạ bất cứ lúc nào. Những dấu hiệu chuyển dạ sẽ xuất hiện từ từ. Để tránh những tình huống không lường trước, bà bầu nên tránh các chuyến đi dài ngày.
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Những nơi ồn ào sẽ không tốt cho sức khỏe của thai nhi. Bất cứu điều gì bạn nghe, nói đều có ảnh hưởng đến trẻ.
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