So was I the only one was thinking about the movie First Kid during this week's whole Obama Girls First Day of School brouhaha? Poor things. Specifically Malia. The only thing I can think of that's more traumatizing than going to middle school is going to middle school as the new kid. Shit, I want to pop a few Xanax and ask my mom to home school me just thinking about it.
At the bar the other day, Andrew and I were discussing how the Sidwell Friends kids will treat the Obama Girls. Andrew seems to think they'll gain instant popularity because their dad is the new Santa Claus and Jesus combined. Also according to him there's actually little bullying at Quaker schools. I want to take his word for it (because he's Quaker and attended a Quaker school,) but being a First Kid aficionado, I can't help but think Malia and Sasha are toast.
If we follow the model set by my all-time favorite Sinbad movie, the Obama Girls will be total outcasts and get in a fistfight with Zachery Ty Bryan at school. They'll develop a crush on a cute girl, but not be able to woo her due to their outcast status. It is on the Internet in a snake chat room that they shall find solace, im-ing with like-minded, anti-social reptile tweens. But it is their goofy and unconventional Secret Service agent/ex-boxer Sam Simms who takes them under his wing and teaches them to throw a punch, bust a move on the dance floor and love a lady. Trouble starts to brew when Barack Obama will forbid Sasha and Malia to go to the school dance, but Sinbad will sneak them out anyway, cuz he's cool like that. Obama will fire Sinbad and the girls will run away to meet a creepy Internet predator at the mall. As the Obama girls are being abducted by said predator, Sinbad will rush in and save the day. The end.
So all this First Kid talk got me to thinking, where the hell is Brock Pierce aka the First Kid these days? I worked The Google and found out the horrible and disturbing answer. I quote a 2003 NY Post article:
"The founders of flopcom Digital Entertainment Network (DEN) are still languishing in a Spanish jail, and investigators in the US are stepping up efforts to bring them home to face sex offence charges.
DEN co-founders Marc Collins-Rector, Chad Shackley and Brock Pierce were arrested in June on an international warrant after being indicted in New Jersey on five counts of transporting a minor across state lines for the purpose of engaging in sexual acts.
The company raised $75m through an Initial Public Offer, but collapsed as allegations of its founders' conduct hit the media. DEN's assets were sold at auction for $105,000 this summer.
The men fled to Spain where they were arrested by Spanish police who found "enormous amounts of child porn" at their villa.
All three are likely to face Spanish charges, but US police have stated that Spain will let the US charge them first."
Oh. That's where he's been. In a Spanish jail cell for raping little boys. Wow. I sort of wished I had never asked...Where was Sinbad and his life lessons when that shit went down?
...Probably playing The First Kid Drinking Game!
- Luke runs away from/hides/plays a prank on Agent Simms
- Wilkes reprimands Simms
- Zachery Ty Bryan punches Luke
- Luke punches Zachery Ty Bryan
- There's a boxing training montage
- Agent Simms asks when he can protect the President again
- Sinbad says "we need some WPGC up in here!" during the hip-hop dance lesson
- Agent Simms flirts with Luke's teacher
- Luke reads his instant messages out loud as he types them, because that's normal
- Sinbad roller skates in a giant pizza-and-coke costume because it was L0LZ in 1996 and it's still L0LZ in 2009
As always, have a great weekend and thanks for reading! See you back in the office Monday morning!