1.11.2009

How do I ask this gently?

So the other day I'm sitting on the couch when all of a sudden I hear a loud shriek coming from the bathroom, where the BF was, you know, doing what you do in the bathroom. I hear water running, I hear muttering, I hear flushing, I hear more muttering.

“I got poo water on my hand” he said, as he came out looking slightly shaken up.

Um, excuse me? Turns out the BF was finishing up when his hand accidentally dipped in the water in the toilet. Not knowing how/why one’s hand even gets that close to toilet water in the first place I had to ask for further explanation. Apparently, while wiping, his hand touched the toilet water since he's tall and our toilet is short and gee he wishes we could get a taller toilet bowl … Yeah, he lost me at “while wiping.”

“Soooo …. You wipe sitting down?” I asked, horrified.

“Uh YEAH, don’t you?” he replied, equally horrified.

So not to tell you too much about myself (too late) but I most certainly do NOT wipe sitting down and the mere fact that some people do has turned my world upside down. The sky is blue, water is wet, and people wipe standing up – this is how it is and how it shall always remain? Yes??

I would think that the threat of dipping one’s hand in toilet water is the most obvious reason not to wipe sitting down. Gross – I don’t want my hand that close to what’s in there. Not to mention leverage – it’s kinda hard to wipe front to back when your back is, you know, way back. PLUS there’s the threat of getting “poo water” as the BF so descriptively called it on your hand – did I mention that one already? Poo water?

But now that this whole new world has been opened up to me I'm beginning to see subtle signs of the “Down Wipers” everywhere. For instance – my office has automatically flushing toilets. It senses your sitting – it does not flush. It sense you have stood up – it flushes. This has always flummoxed me as an “Up Wiper.” Just cause I'm standing up doesn’t mean I'm done! This show’s only at intermission my friend. What inevitably happens is the toilet flushes mid wipe so I am forced to toss the paper into the bowl then lean over, putting my hand over the sensor so it thinks “Oh! She sat back down again” and then remove my hand so that if flushes, careful to IMMEDIATELY remove my face from the vicinity of the toilet so I don’t get poo water on my face. Dude.

You know the only time I wipe sitting down? When I'm at a house party with my girlfriends and we all cram into the bathroom together and take turns going. I wipe sitting down in that instance so I don’t flash me wiping my crotch to all my friends. Sure I’ll bet we’ve seen crotch every now and then but wiping crotch? Disgusting. And I’ll never forgot the steamy humidity inside that toilet bowl as I wiped as carefully as I could without making a southbound detour into the golden pond. Dude.

I need to know, dear readers, I need to know what in the hell is going on here. Do you wipe sitting or standing? Is there a method to your madness? Have you ever gotten poo water on your hand? We here at 2B1B are dying to know. An unofficial survey is being taken with the hopes of settling this Down Wiper/Up Wiper thing in the near future. Please advise.

24 comments:

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

...Standing.

I was shocked when I heard there was another way. I believe I referred to Becca's boyfriend as a "monster."

Rachel said...

I think its a hybrid, a crouch, if you will. DEF not standing though. I thinK Di and Rich taught you guys all wrong... just like the Flintstones Grand Puba...

Anonymous said...

im a sitter. somehow i dont see how you can...get it all off...if your standing.

Anna said...

i damn near fell off the toilet seat when meg told me this story. i thought hovering to wipe was standard procedure. i also like to use the handicap stalls when available bc they have those handi dandi metal bars that really help me levitate. "peter! he won't levitate me down from the ruff! he wont levitate me off the ruff!" i agree that it is only ok to wipe sitting down when youre in a 2x4 box with 18 other girls. youre just trying to spare them a glance at your bits!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude...you get it all off. You find a way. Don't you people have back problems from crouching? This is like the time in college that I told people I didn't use conditioner and Ashleigh thought I was a total weirdo (I'm sorry I have naturally silky smooth hair). And now that I DO use conditioner everyday, it is weird in retrospect that I didn't.

So much oversharing.

Laura said...

I stand and I'm not ashamed of it. I go through life trying so hard to be a lady. You should see me when I am wearing a skirt and need to retrieve something I've dropped on the ground; I do this majestic knees together/ hands holding down skirt-fabric crouch that deserves a modesty award. But bathrooms are not modest places, that's why they are gender segregated and have stall doors, so that you can do what you need to without any reservations.

Ashley said...

I too am a hover/crouch wiper. I mean if you're going to sit you need to at least lean forward so you can get your hand behind...hello.

Talia said...

I def stand! sometimes I dance around a little!

rachel said...

I noticed I sit more than stand, but its def a crouch if anything, There is no possible way you get it all when you stand. NO POSSIBLE WAY/

Alisha said...

Stand/crouch. Easy, efficient, and no danger of H2O contact.

Ryan said...

i have to say i'm reversed shocked from your article. I realize I don't know any of you, and you me, but maybe this is different for guys/girls?

I have a couple of questions for the "standers":

1. Do you stand straight up?
a) if so... WHAT?
b.) if not, what's the angle of assent? Almost straight up? I feel like this is a debatable line as Hoverers aren't really standers or sitters...

2. I'm almost afraid to ask this, because it would really just end in the destruction of the planet, but you definitely at least reach around back to wipe, right? As ladies you don't have 'equipment' in the way... stopping you from going between the legs, but either way I can't imagine it because it is basically an option not available to me.

3. I hope when anyone was responding here they had the same unsure cringe on their face like ... "this is weird to talk about even though i'm on the internet".

Even if no one can answer those questions, I feel like this subject should be retired to the "what goes on when you wipe should probably just be between you and the toilet...pun intended."

Brian said...

I'm totally coming late to this post, but I couldn't resist.

I am equally flummoxed by the notion of sit-down wipers.

I try to think about it, but my mind just completely boggles itself in the process. The problem is I don't even understand the mechanics of how this would work (not that I want to understand, but you know...).

I'm having a really hard time imagining how it's even physically possible. I mean, some old toilets are round and incredibly small. When you're sitting on it, there's no room in the front or the back. I suppose I could understand on an oblong toilet, but...oy.

I've devoted too much time to this. Shoot me in the face.

Mike K said...

As a man, I don't wipe when I pee. However, when I poop...scratch that, a man would never use the word poop. When I take a monster shit, I most definitely remain sitting when I wipe. First off, I have to reach around to my backside, not through my legs where my genitals are hanging down. Hunched over like that, your hand doesn't have as far to go, so reach isn't a problem. I lean forward, so that my buttcheeks spread and allow easier access to the brown bits, as well as creating a gap through which I stuff my hand armed with Charmin. Were I to stand, my butt-cheeks would naturally come together - regardless of the day's consitancy of BM, it would be a messy situation...

The only way standing would work would be if you leverage one foot on the tub or better yet, a towel rack or the sink, so that you're pretty much doing a standing ballet stretch. From that vantage, you'd probably be in position to see a mirror as well - a can't miss solution for insuring a clean anus.

Anonymous said...

This is months late, but I (a stander) pooped at work once and when i stood up to wipe, a piece of poop fell into my pants without my realization so when i pulled them up it smeared along my leg and i had to run out of the office and get home and shower. It was horrible and when i told my co-workers (good friends of mine) they were like "what??!? you stand and wipe?" and i thought i was a weirdo, so thanks for making me feel normal.. kinda haha

Anonymous said...

Ok so a couple of days ago I was telling some stupid toilet story to my boyfriend....which basically ended up with a "you SIT DOWN to wipe?!?". Since discovering my partner stands to wipe my world has come crashing down, convinced he was never taught "the basics". Well, thank God for the Internet...because it would seem in this instance I'm the 'freak'. But I'm convinced I'm right. Why would toilet paper be at sitting level? right by your hand?. You should scoot forward on the seat to wipe, lift up a cheek, reach to the pack and wipe front to back. Rocket Science.
I;m still at a loss to deal with all this standing information... I mean...heavy...you think you've been doing it the only way your whole life...

Anonymous said...

Electronic memory is something that I seemingly will never have enough of. It's as if megabytes and gigabytes have become a permanent part of my day to day existence. Ever since I bought a Micro SD Card for my DS flash card, I've been constantly vigilant for high memory at low prices. It's driving me crazy.

(Submitted using Nintendo DS running [url=http://kwstar88.zoomshare.com/2.shtml]R4i[/url] PostN3T)

Anonymous said...

Virtual memory is something that I seem to be unable to ever have enough of. It feels like megabytes and gigabytes have become a permanent part of my day to day existence. Ever since I bought a Micro SD Card for my DS flash card, I've been on permanent watch for large memory at low prices. I feel like I'm going insane.

(Submitted by S3 for R4i Nintendo DS.)

Anonymous said...

I grew up as a stander, and really was comfortable standing until college. I mean i had it down to a science, our bathtub was next to the toilet, and i would put one leg up on the tub so that i could get a more open wiping situation. However, taking a deuce in a public bathroom w/ some frat brothers changed all of that. You see, the stalls in this particular bathroom didn't reach to the ceiling, they actually only were about shoulder high, strange right? So, one day during study hall I stood up to clean myself, and this guy who's finished his business is standing to leave. He looks over and sees me all leaned over, and is like "ummm what the hell are you doing?" i explained that i was cleaning up. He was astonished that I would stand. I finished up and went back to the study group (thankfully it was all dudes) and everyone is in deep discussion about sitting vs. standing. Turns out i was definitely in the minority. So, I had to adjust my technique, and now have been a sitter going on 14 years. Sitting's been good to me for the most part. I do have some issues w/ it though. Primarily leg cramps, does this happen to anyone else? Also, I tend to lean to my left, and after about a year find that the toilet seat kind of starts slipping off of the toilet which is a pain. I have thought about going back to "the stand" but it just seems weird now. I am so glad that I've found a forum to discuss this, 2B1B you are doing God's work!

maaaagen said...

whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone... people wipe ?? how is that even humanly possible? i always wondered about those automatic flushers... like, I'M NOT DONE YET!!!

maaaagen said...

i meant to say "people wipe sitting down??" not "people wipe??" that's terrible.

Anonymous said...

I totally don't understand the mechanics of wiping standing up. It doesn't seem like you can properly get 'everything' if you're standing. You've got an automatic separation of butt cheeks when sitting that assists in the wiping. Of course, you should always lean forward or do the crouch thing to avoid the whole poo water issue.

Anonymous said...

I'm a man. I wipe sitting down. While we're on the subject, does no one else wipe back to front?

Carla-Carl said...

By no means should you be wiping back to front. That's way unhygienic. But I imagine the dynamics of that are a bit different for a dude. Still, front to back.

Colin said...

I feel like part of the issue is it doesn't matter what direction a dude wipes. We don't need to worry about UIs as much. Well, at least not from wiping. I'm a sitter, and its got nothing to do with hygiene. I'm just lazy. I go by my bits and pieces and whip through the legs. Straight up lazy. I've pondered developing a better strategy... but why mess with a fine method.

 
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