1.25.2009

This worries me...

Eff the Blue Oyster Cult; I fear the reaper. The only thing scarier to me than thinking about my own mortality is thinking about my parent's mortality. Thus, when my dad had a mild stroke a few months ago, my shit got shook to the core.

Having a parent in the hospital is like having a backstage pass at a Creed concert; you get an unsolicited view of what really goes on behind the show, but you in no way want to be there or see that view. When the doctor came into the hospital room to explain what was up, my first reaction was to run to the waiting room, get some juice and play with legos or something. Then I realized that I'm 23-years-old, not 10, and not only is it appropriate for me to hear what the doctor has to say, I had to be responsible and composed. That is a weird fucking moment. All I really wanted to do was hear "everything is going to be alright!" and go back to my Mall Madness game.

My dad has always been my hero, and facing facts that your hero is only human is a sad and sobering experience. But nobody should have to go through that pain. Twice. Months apart.

I have recently realized that another silver-haired, well-dressed, older gentleman hero of mine is indeed human and -gasp!- quite possibly flawed. Whom, you may ask? It pains me to say...Mr. Tim Gunn.

I always thought that Tim Gunn could do no wrong. In my mind he's like the Laughing Buddha; a beloved icon of good fortune, kindness and joy. If I could rub Tim Gunn's belly every time I walk into a Chinese food restaurant, I would be dead of MSG poisoning within a month.

The first cracks in Tim Gunn's flawless facade came when I was browsing the magazine section at Barnes & Noble the other day. As I was looking through through the women's interest magazines, I saw that Tim Gunn was on the cover of this month's issue of Skin Deep magazine.
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My eyes lit up and I grabbed the magazine in delight. Then I saw the subtitle under the magazine's logotype:
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It clearly says "The Ultimate Image Enhancement Resource," but at the time I read "The Ultimate MALE Enhancement Resource."

I stood there with my mouth hanging open and small whimpering noises escaping for more time than was appropriate. My world crumbled and my mind raced-- "TIM GUNN IS ON THE COVER OF A MALE ENHANCEMENT MAGAZINE?! Why in the sweet name of Elle would he do that??? What a horrible decision! Wait, does this mean TIM GUNN CAN'T GET IT UP?!?! Of course he can! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE TIM GUNN HAS AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!!!"

Eventually I read things a little more carefully and realized it wasn't a magazine about ED. But still, I felt dirty for doubting Tim and thinking he was the cover boy for erectile dysfunction.

The next day I was googling pictures of Kelly Osbourne's 18-year-old child bride when I stumbled upon a website called ringenvy.com. There, I found an article about Brooklyn Decker's engagement ring from Andy Roddick. When I read the comments to see what people had to say about her ring, I saw the following:
"I heard Roddick dates Tim Gunn. They were hot and heavy shopping at Whole Foods a few weeks ago. Tim served Roddick bites of food they bought at the Indian buffet when they sat down.....so cute! They're the ultimate power couple. A tennis star and a silver fox."
At first I giggled at the thought of Tim Gunn and Andy Roddick canoodling in line at an Indian buffet, and then promptly decided to google the pair to see if there's anything else floating around the rumor mill about Tim Gunn and Andy Roddick.

As it turns out, there is. A LOT. I found more than a few gossip sites talking some major shit about my Timmy and Andy Roddick. Now, if this were simply a case of some Internet rumors about Tim homo-ing it up with Andy Roddick, I'd be fine with that. Elated even. Tim needs his lovin' too, and if it was good enough for Mandy Moore, it's good enough for my Tim Gunn. However, most of these comments paint Tim in a really pathetic light making him seem like a creepy, jealous, bitchy, sugar daddy. (I never thought I would write "Tim Gunn" in the same sentence as "creepy," "jealous," "bitchy," or "sugar daddy." Well...maybe "sugar daddy.")

Here's a random sampling:
"My friend lives in Tim Gunn’s building, told me he lives with Andy and Andy’s gf lives by herself at the 22nd st apartment. Poor gal."
"Tim Gunn was screaming at Cafe Duke today how jealous he is of Anderson Cooper’s girlfriend, he has to get rid of her ASAP, he called her a “bad apple”. The cafe owner told me."
"Tim was on his cell saying anderson cooper must have bought his girlfriend her new penthouse she is moving into because she can't afford it!"
"Tim you are a crazy jealous man! stop stalking the poor guy! Have some respect! If a man tells you he is starting a family with his girlfriend stop harassing him! He doesn't want you!"
"Andy lists Tim Gunn as emergency contact on his medical forms as stepdad. We all know what that is code for, right guys! Blanche Roddick sure never remarried to Tim Gunn. :/"
"That’s like old news to us here in nyc ya know. Tim Gunn’s dated Andy since like Easter. Come on out out."
"I have lots of friends in the gay community in Manhattan telling me about sightings of these two in public. Tim was making out with him and doing who knows what else in the bathroom at a recent Bravo publicity event. EW. Andy's parents should be worried."
"I know a man working on the set of Tim Gunn’s Guide to style that told me Tim has a young athlete boyfriend, and he sends him flirty text messages while Tim is live blogging or texting when filming the show."
"The tragic story of Tim Gunn. He thought the handsome, successful gay man who was using him for sex actually was his boyfriend. When he didn’t return Tim’s phone calls, Tim should have understood what he was meant for. Nobody wants to be called Tim Gunn’s boyfriend. Apparently he isn’t even good at giving sex I heard.

Tim ran into him on the street the other day, and the guy had to break the news to Tim that he has a girl. That’s right. The handsome man would rather date a girl than booty call Tim. Get it, Tim. You are as meaningful as a paper bag.

Didn’t hear this rumor yet about Roddick until I Googled Tim Gunn boyfriend. I guess now he’s dating Andy Roddick. He found a young man dumb enough to date a father figure, because, think about it. Would anyone not under the influence of alcohol want to have sex with Tim Gunn?"

OK WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! First of all, nobody ever talks about Buddha like this, so everyone needs to show some respect! Secondly, in regards to "nobody wants to be Tim Gunn's boyfriend," I took a poll and 100% of the room wanted to be Tim Gunn's boyfriend. Yes, Becca and I were the only people in the room at the time, but I'm confident that even if I increased my polling numbers, I would get the same results. Third, Tim Gunn's not even good at giving sex? Since when do you give sex? Lastly to answer your question, yes, yes someone not under the influence of alcohol would want to have sex with Tim Gunn. This girl.

I know that most of these comments are just crazy Internet rumors, but it's still made Tim seem way more human than superhero in my eyes. I don't actually believe that he stalks Anderson Cooper or is Andy Roddick's mistress, but the question lingers, what if?

From now on when I see Tim Gunn, I'll only be able to think about Andy Roddick and a flaccid penis. God this is hard to deal with. No pun intended.

11 comments:

Andrew said...

Erm, Anderson Cooper doesn't have a girlfriend. Because he's gay... and not even pretending.

Thusly, I doubt all that the commenter you quoted said.

My conclusion, fear not, Tim Gunn is still superhuman.

ashleigh said...

PLEASE remind me of that show on autv with josh and that lady and blue oyster cult was the theme song and they went to gettysburg to find ghosts

PLEASE?!

Ashley said...

Tim Gunn had me at "It's a pterodactyl in a gay Jurassic Park".

Anonymous said...

Tim Gunn looked like a total creep when I met him. Look, we know Anderson Cooper is gay pulling the old trick men use on straight women up their case to date gay men: lie that you have a significant other to keep the stalkers away. I believe this 100%.

Anonymous said...

As someone who knows both of these sad men personally, I can vouch that Roddick's marriage is a fraud. He was living with Tim Gunn until this year, during which he married his 'wife' and Tim moved to new digs at the 'G' Penthouse at 203 West 90th Street. That would be the Upper West Side for you out-of-town. Andy is living with a black man he dates in Austin, Texas, his wife alone remodeling her apartment here. It ogles my mind how a sham marriage gets taken seriously by the ignorant tennis fans who think he's straight. Roddick has had few brief romantic relationships with women, women either willing to put up with his bisexuality or who were bisexual themselves enough to understand. Brooklyn needs to thank her lucky stars for marrying into wealth, what with the parents forcing little Andy to propose with a ring Brooklyn and his family bought one month after meeting him, what with knowing he was moving in with Gunn. These days Tim gets a lot of ribbing over his hard breakup that cost him the joy of living in his old place just a block or so from Chelsea Piers. Andy would love going there on weekends... Such a pity this lovely couple broke up. I saw them as lifetime companions. What is Gunn going to do now? First, his long term companion dies of AIDs. Second, his beautiful boyfriend leaves him. Tim doesn't have any hope. From what my friend who dated him told me, he's old, boring, and terrible in bed. I feel for both of them and *ndy, please come out of the closet. Our community welcomes you wholeheartedly!

Anonymous said...

Article about Tim stalking the news anchor:
http://www.popcrunch.com/tim-gunn-crushing-on-anderson-cooper/

I can just see a possible conversation between them...

Tim:
Anderson, let's do lunch.

Anderson:
For the last time, my answer is a resounding NO.

Tim:
Come on.

Anderson:
...(Texts on blackberry, ignoring Tim)

Tim:
Go out with me!

Anderson:
No. Aw. Cute dog on your leash.

Tim:
His name is Andy Roddick. Sit boy!

Andy:
Roger Federer keeps my ex girlfriend's pictures in his duffel bag to tease me. My other ex girlfriend married Ryan Adams. My wife didn't spend any time with me this year at the Sony Ericcson Open because she was following Verdazsco every day. Tim is in love with you, Anderson.

Comes out:
Bark! Federer! Arf! Miami! Beached whale! Bark! Iphone!

Anderson:
Yeah. I can't understand a word he's saying.

Tim:
He has the brain of a small chihuahua. He only unfestands the commands of sit, stay play tennis, and give all your earnings to your parents and brother.

Anderson:
Smart dog. Now get away from me, Tim. You're giving me herpes.

Anonymous said...

I think that we've seen enough of Tim Gunn on TV now over several seasons to know he's not a totally-insane stalker.

But then again, I might just stalk Anderson Cooper too, if I thought it might lead to something.

Anecdotes like "he was always texting during the show"; big deal. There's an awful lot of downtime on "reality" TV shows while they set up shots, adjust lighting, etc.

If Tim was a dick, we'd have heard it from the contestants by now. There's been over a hundred of them, and most of them aren't in the industry any longer so they'd have nothing to lose by trashing the guy. But you don't hear it.

You also don't hear anything but great things about him from the students at Parsons, where he was for the longest time.

Tim is a sweety. I think 100% of the people who MIGHT find him attractive, Do. What's not to love about an impeccably dressed man?

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