You know what ruffles my feathers?

I really shouldn't be complaining about my commute to work. My "commute" (if you can even call it that) involves walking out of my apartment, pivoting my body slightly to the right and walking one and a half blocks to the metro, where I ride the red line two stops to Metro Center, exit, walk one single block and arrive at my office. When I lived in the boonies of Brooklyn, it took me well over an hour during rush hour to get to the office, which was considerably more taxing than the actual work I was doing once I arrived there. So I shouldn't really have anything to complain about, right?

Wrong my friend! Oh so so wrong. My most hated group of individuals, nerds, have found a way to make my easy, breezy, beautiful commute irritating. They would.

People with rolling briefcases are Nazis incarnate. There, I said it. I feel better. What the fuck is up with you people?! Do you realize that during the hustle and bustle of rush hour, the streets, metros and metro escalators are already crowded? Why do you feel it necessary to double the amount of space you would normally take up with a rolling briefcase? It's like you people are just giant bubbles of inconvenience floating around my morning commute. I'm going to wear a giant hoop skirt and walk with arm crutches during rush hour and act inconvenienced when you bump into me, just so you know how it feels.

I've also noticed that there's a correlation between people who opt for rolling briefcases and intelligence. Specifically that they lack it. If you know that you're surrounded by people rushing around to get somewhere on time, why would you think it's a good idea to drag your briefcase behind you? If the strap to someone's messenger bag broke, do you think that person would just drag it behind them by the broken strap like a petulant child? No, because that would make them a complete asshole. So what makes you think you can essentially do the same thing, pop a few wheels on it and call it socially acceptable?

I want to get the email addresses of all the people in the world with rolling briefcases and send them the following memo:
To: The nerd population of the world who uses a rolling briefcase
From: Meg

Hey assholes! I have a friendly little suggestion for you. If you insist on using a rolling briefcase while commuting, you can't suddenly just stop walking without looking to see if there's someone behind you who might run into your fucking nerdmobile if you stop short. You're the ones who brought wheels into the equation, so follow traffic laws. I would never do 85 on the highway and then slam on my breaks to find the nutrigrain bar in my trunk.


There's so much bitchery in this city about the stand left, walk right rule, but I've personally only had a few encounters with it. However, I almost trip and break an ankle on at least three rolling briefcases a morning, no exaggeration. I thought I was going to snap like a twig this morning and start punting people's briefcases onto the third rail. The highlight of rolling-retardation came the other morning when an individual a few people ahead of me went up the escalator with his rolling briefcase behind him and then stopped at the top of the escalator to get something out of his bag, causing the long line of commuters behind him to topple over like dominoes. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is why New York has stairs. And speaking of New York, I would like to say from experience that this rolling briefcase conundrum is a problem unique to DC. New York might be overpopulated, but those bastards know how to commute. They let people exit the train before getting on, they move to the center of the car and they can hustle up and down the stairs with ease. Come on DC, I'd like to think we don't suck so hard we need to have our escalator privileges taken away...

Now, I can already hear the rolling briefcase nerds breaking out their calculators and carrying the one, ready to point out that rolling briefcases actually relieve vertical lumbar pain caused by the disproportionate ratio of an individual's height to briefcase weight and nerd speak, nerd speak, nerd speak. Here's what I have to say to that: suck it up. I booked it from Metro Center to Georgetown yesterday in six-inch stilettos and didn't complain once. And when I got to my destination, guess what I did? I bench pressed 280 lbs and karate-chopped a board in half with my head. AND WHAT, NERD?!


Anonymous said...

it's so true. i've been waiting weeks for a post as good as this one.

i want to marry you.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

What?! That's the worst proposal ever! It infers that my blogs been shitty recently!

Anonymous said...

this is really speaking to me right now....

Jack Gonzo, MD said...

Woah now, we should not tarnish "nerds" by associating them with this yuppie garbage. Folks with rolling briefcases, as far as I can remember, tended to be wearing suits and tended to look like a manaquin from Brooks Brothers. "Nerds" are hard pressed to be found wearing a suit and using a briefcase, as we know "nerds" would have an anime/Star Wars/obscure literature reference book bag across the shoulders.

Metro Man said...


Let the church say AMEN!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Really Doctor? In my head I'm picturing a classic Poindexter type with glasses held together by tape, a pocket protector holding a pen and a laser pointer, high water pants and a rolling briefcase truckin' behind him. Yuppie chicks tend to cart their shit in a canvas totes monogrammed with their initials from LL Bean or Vineyard Vines, and yuppie dudes carry monogrammed LL Bean messenger bags.

Maybe if you can monogram a rolling suitcase, then that would make sense?

We tend to disagree about nerd theory a lot. Do we need to have a sit down and get it all out on the table?

Jack Gonzo, MD said...

Ah, I see your point. All I can speak on are the ones I saw when I lived in DC with rolling briefcases. They looked like they had the rolling briefcase so a shoulder strap wouldn't mussy their suit before Late Night Shots and the like. The ones I saw didn't scream nerd, but then it's almost been a year now hasn't it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Meg,

Have you considered the bus? Yeah, it might take a few more minutes, but hear me out: a) you don't have to stand on a platform and make awkward conversation as crowded trains pass you by. b) no one needs to walk or drag anything in front of you as they sit comfortably with their fellow commuters/homeless people. And most importantly c) you have a SmartTrip now.

The Bus's #1 (and only?) Fan

Anonymous said...

helena you should be a bus lobbyist.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yea, seriously. You convinced me!

Anonymous said...

There is only one thing worse than a rolling briefcase, and that is a rolling briefcase that is missing one of its wheels...I saw that this morning and laughed out loud thinking about this post!

Anonymous said...

i would like to make a further point and say the only thing worse than a rolling briefcase is a rolling backpack. because it's called a fucking backpack for a reason. you wear it on your back. idiots.

honestly, does everyone out there have brittle bone syndrome so that the simple act of carrying something might cause you to shatter your ulna? i say, if it's under 25 pounds, then you should carry it.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA brittle bone syndrome. I mean sucks for people who have it and all.

If I were there with you this morning, Anon, and saw the briefcase missing a wheel, you would have witnessed my complete and utter mental breakdown. As they would cart me off to the loony bin, I'd throw you the keys to my blog and ask you to tell my story to the world and continue the blog for me. The world needs to know.

Cedstick said...

Nope, not nerds. I consider myself a nerd, not a fucking moron. I usually associate the rolling tard-station with the simply socially-awkward. Nerds always have book bags, or briefcases for the Professional Nerd.

I hear you on the takin' up space part, but you need to watch yourself if you actually bust your heals on wheels during every commute. Seriously? Really? I commute an hour one-way to get to work and I don't have this problem. I have to deal with two buses, a metro-line, escalators and even a cross-inlet Seabus and I don't have this problem.

But anyway, cool blog. I can many an entertaining argument 'round these parts in the future.

Margaret said...

Amen. Amen. Amen.

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