2.25.2009

6 reasons you should want to live in DC

DCist recently reported that 25% of Americans would like to live in DC. To that I say, aaahhh-psshhkawww?! Only 25%? You know my love for DC burns like chlamydia, so obviously I'm not satisfied with 25%. Now, I could sit here all day and talk to you about our cherry blossoms and the energy of precious freedom and democracy, but you've probably felt and seen all of this on your eighth grade class trip, and clearly that did jackshit to sway you.

So allow me to point out some things about DC that you may not know in an effort to convince 100% of you that Washington, DC is the greatest place to be:

We have:
1.) Ugly People!
Photobucket
DC is referred to as "Hollywood for ugly people," and politics as "show business for ugly people," for a reason. Because we're not the prettiest bell at the ball. Actually we're not even at the ball. We're at home eating an entire sheet cake with a spoon, wearing a self-heating acne mask, crying to our mother's, wondering why no one sees our special inner-beauty. But that's good news for you, out-of-towner! Come here and watch your self-esteem fly through the roof as your "mediocre" good looks suddenly skyrocket to supermodel steamy-sex-bomb status. You're going to get so much ass you'll have to retire your genitals in an ice bucket for at least an hour each week. And that's exciting!

2.) Black People!
Photobucket
To answer your question, yes, yes I am a blatant self-hating white person. But the better question is, why aren't you? Black people do everything better
food, music, dancing, religion, presidentseverything! Thus, I am honored to live in a city that is 55% African American and only 39% White. This statistic has also earned DC the nickname "Chocolate City." Becca and Rachel for quite some time were considering making t-shirts that said, "White Chocolate." After weighing the pros and cons, I think they decided the inevitable beatings weren't worth the irony. I, however, am still unsure about that.

3.) Readily Available Drugs!
Photobucket
Some out-of-towners think that just because an overwhelming amount of the population in DC works for the government or a non-profit, there must be drug testing posts at the corner of every major intersection in the city. Well, guess what? You're fine, you can cross the street without having to pee in a cup. We're not all narcs! We know how to have a good time! Shit, I'm at work writing this post and cookin' up some heroin as we speak! Don't worry about the city's straight-edge factor, I know a guy. And that guy knows a guy who has a membership at Costco. We'll get you an eighth and a 46-pack of cranberry juice in one felt swoop.

4.) Homosexuals!
Photobucket
It seems like you can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a gay guy in the well-moisturized face. And that's a good thing! A large gay population = good shopping, good restaurants, shopping partners, drinking partners, a large choice of gay boyfriends for you ladies, large amounts of sex to be had for you gay out-of-towners, and the list goes on! Just don't be that girl from Minnesota in the khakis who keeps falling in love with the "fancy man" in your office only to be heartbroken when after six months of obsessing you find out he's dating the only other attractive guy in your building. Oh and out-of-towner, if this is a major turn-off for you and you're all "sick dude, I don't want to have to look at that shit!", don't worry, I got you covered. Just get in a cab and ask the driver to take you to Third Edition in Georgetown. Get out. Look around. These are your new friends. You'll be fine.

5.) Colleges!
Photobucket
DC is known for being home to the government, but let's not forget it's also home to quite a few number of colleges: American, GW, Georgetown, Catholic, UDC, Trinity, Gallaudet, etc. I know this initially sounds like a turn-off. No one wants to watch a fat sorority girl cry on a curb in front of the bar in a broken tiara screaming, "I JUST ::sniffle, sniffle:: MISS ::sniffle, sniffle:: TRA::hiccup::VIS!!!!" (In which case don't go to Adams Morgan on any given Saturday night.) However, there are some perks to living in a college city. My strongest argument is the Georgetown men's athletic department. Get a trench coat, get a pair of sunglasses, park yourself on M street and watch 'em run by shirtless. OHHHH-YEEAAaAaAa...My weaker argument is that it can be sort of kind of fun to party with college kids. They're so full of hope and wonder and can get shitfaced with you because they their paper isn't due until Tuesday. Also, partying with them distracts you from the fact that you've already graduated and are working an entry-level, dead-end job in a field that you no longer want to work in because you've seen first-hand what a crock of bullshit it is and everyday you show up and pray that hell has frozen over so you don't have to go into the office to use your $130,000 education to staple invoices, put pamphlets into a folder and avoid your co-workers who you fear more and more everyday are what you will turn into in 20 years. What? Am I still typing?

6.) Accents!
Photobucket
We don't have southern accents in DC. Nor do we have the oh-so-god-awful Baltimore accent. Teresa was recently discussing the DC accent with her co-workers in Baltimore and nailed it on the head
we have valley girl accents. We put like three extra syllables into every word and lots of unnecessary U's. (Apparently her co-workers mock Teresa by saying, 'I'm from Day Say. I only know two letters: Day pair-ee-odd, Sayyy, pair-ee-odd.') But our native accent is good news for you, out-of-towner! In the tropical heat of the summer, you'll think you're in LA without any of the added pressures of needing to be thin, stylish or wealthy! What more do you people want?!

51 comments:

Anna said...

WELL WORTH THE WAIT MADAME! well worth it....just like my virginity. being stolen in the night.

jenny cath the mendicant said...

hahahaha i love third edition! this one made me laugh out loud! well, they always do.

Meee! said...

D'AY C'AY

Rachel said...

dont forgot our friendly homeless poplulation. When I went to Miami the homeless were so rude and scary, not like the nice people in dc...(except steak tar tar, Meg...)

shoshana said...

Hi. I live in DC. The post about college kids made my life. It is now my GChat status, and will stay that way for forever.

Can we pretty pretty please be friends? I'm a life long New Yorker who moved to DC this June, and I miss people who are as sarcastic and snarky as I am.

Rivka said...

Ohh Snarky mcSnark, please be my friend!

Anonymous said...

When i visited the U.S from Australia a couple of years ago, one of my absolute favourite places was Washington. Oh, what good times. I remember the amazing subway system, the political and historical (free) things to do, the tropical themed homosexual restaurant.

It was the best.

Bec. said...

That was me above, i didn't mean to be anonymous. I am out and proud about my love of DC.

Anonymous said...

It was going SO well until number two...

"yes, yes I am a blatant self-hating white person."

Translation: Yes, I HAVE been brainwashed by the popular media to believe that whitey is the devil, and that despite the fact that the white populatiom have created a far better place to live than Africa, we should credit the blacks as being BETTER AT EVERYTHING!

"But the better question is, why aren't you?"

Because I'm not white, and if I were, I wouldn't be some pitiful self-hater.

"Black people do everything better—food, music, dancing, religion, presidents—everything!"

Food? Have you BEEN to Africa? Music, well... I'd rather NOT be forced to listen to some semi-educated negro talk about raping women and stealing cars. Dancing... are you kidding? Religion is self explanatory. And Presidents... Because they're been one, and HE obviously accomplished more than Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and all the others combined.

"Thus, I am honored to live in a city that is 55% African American and only 39% White."

I like living amongst white people, than you very much. I'm Asian and proud, but I find them to be safer, friendlier, smarter, and overall BETTER than I can saw about the black population (in the nearby "ghettos")

Anyways, great post regardless! Looking forward to reading more.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and also...

"Crime remains a significant factor in D.C., especially in the city's eastern neighborhoods where economic revitalization has not yet occurred"

"However, violent crime is still more than three times the national average of 466.9 reported offenses per 100,000 people in 2007.[6]"

"Washington, D.C. was known as the "murder capital",[7] experiencing 474 homicides in 1990.[8] The elevated crime levels were fueled by the crack epidemic in the late 1980s and early 1990s."

Enjoy your black population :D

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the college bit, mainly because I live in a college town (not DC). Recently I have found myself with college juniors getting wasted and thinking "wait, shouldn't I be past this, like 4 years ago?" Oh, and I also did indeed have to stuff pamplets into folders today at my job along with getting consistent eye rolls and attitude from girls who actually have real positions yet they are only 2 years older than me. *sigh*

Bird* said...

this is great! LOL....

lozzy said...

HOLY SHIT GIRL TALK. i fucking LOVED that game.

Anonymous said...

Umm hey Anonymous who attacks Meg for being a 'pitiful self-hater':

'I like living amongst white people, than you very much.'

Doesn't this make you a bit of a hypocrite? Enjoy living in your all white population. It seems like you are SO proud to be Asian you are just about to burst!!!

Just sayin....

Anonymous said...

Also, Anonymous, it's so nice to have people like you in the world who are willing to stand up and give credit to white people. That rarely happens in our society! You truly join the ranks of heroes of our time, like Brigham Young and Rush Limbaugh, who are not afraid to stand up for white people's rights. Bless you.

Anna said...

hey there anonymous johnson number 2 (not the australian) if youre gonna cuss out our DC blogger here the least you could do is proofread! and google the following: sarcasm, humor, aryan nation.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Shoshana and Rivka - I'm your new BFF. Nice to meet you. Enjoy the ride.

I actually have no problem with all the Aryan nation talk anonymously going on here because it just means I'm too black for my own blog. And that is awesome.

Anonymous said...

I googled sarcasm, humor, aryan nation...I did not see your name in any of the definitions. Don't you love freedom of speech?

Asians rule!

Anonymous said...

haha third edition blows just like the washed up sluts that go there.

Dylan said...

This is great, so funny and true! DC does get a lot of slack.. so what if we aren't as posh as NYC or as celeb-infested as LA, but we do have jumbo slices of pizza and free museums.. what more could a person want!

To find out more reason why DC rocks, check out my blog for what's happening in DC!

www.veeda.tumblr.com

Anonymous said...

"if youre gonna cuss out our DC blogger here the least you could do is proofread! and google the following: sarcasm, humor, aryan nation."

Sorry, I did not mean to cuss out the DC blogger in any way. I enjoyed the post and made that known.

And yes, sorry, I noticed that I missed a few small errors. I did my best, and I am a first generation immigrant, though that's no excuse.

I understand the humour and sarcasm. I also noted no sarcasm in the claim to be very "Pro-black", as it seems. To each their own.

Aryan nation? I am not even white myself. Therefore, it would be very odd of me to be an aryan, don't you think?

"Doesn't this make you a bit of a hypocrite? Enjoy living in your all white population."

Thanks, and no, I don't think it does.

"Also, Anonymous, it's so nice to have people like you in the world who are willing to stand up and give credit to white people. That rarely happens in our society!"

Noted the sarcasm, I think. You'd be really surprised. I live in Canada, and here it's like considered a taboo to be proud of any white heritage. I could go on, but I'll keep it short.

"I actually have no problem with all the Aryan nation talk anonymously going on here because it just means I'm too black for my own blog. And that is awesome."

That's very mature of you, rather than deleting any post you disagree with (like most bloggers). Congratulations on your blackness.

Again, not an aryan. I suppose the heightened IQ would be a plus, though...

Just sayin'!

Nels said...

Falling more in love with you guys with every post. 10 weeks til I'm out of DC for good. Gonna miss how much I can't stand everything you listed (in a good way . . . I guess?

Anonymous said...

im going to dc next year as a college kiddy, your sass is basically me and my friends

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Where you going to college kitten?

Kiki said...

gays AND black people?? hello DC, my new home.

Anonymous said...

I can attest to the easily available drugs part - my friends and I definitely rolled a blunt in the supreme court bathroom and smoked it on the capitol lawn once. DC's pretty sweet.

Julia said...

this post makes me miss dc. although i certainly hit the gay quotient living in greenwich village (and how!), the drugs just aren't as readily available. and where are all of the ugly people???

Mike said...

Yes...sign me up for Chocolate city.
Plus I need friends in "high places" in every sense of the word.

Timothy said...

I am laughing so hard that I believe I was tearing just a bit. Until I read the comments. Now I kind of have an overwhelming urge to kick that one poster in the junk (or lack thereof). Because I was enjoying my humor at this late, boring witching hour in a dodgy hotel room in Germany. Damnit. You stole that from me.

lunch at 11:30 said...

aw shnap!!! "We're at home eating an entire sheet cake with a spoon, wearing a self-heating acne mask"!!!!

haha. man i'm glad i found this blog...

as a former washingtonian, i am 100% w/you on all of this. but how about our exceptionally clean, mostly urine/barf-free metro system? what about all the denim-or-khaki-shorts-and-white-sneaker-wearing summer tourists that are so doggone easy to push down escalators?? wait, i wasn't supposed to do that?? ;)

Rick Wordpress Guy said...

Near the bottom of the list, now even further down the list. You brought up so many great things about DC that I can't wait to move there.

Anonymous said...

DC used to be (nearly) 80% black until all these annoying white people moved in. And on the point of accents, that is definitely a white DC accent. Now that all the native Washingtonians have been moved into P.G., it's all about that Murrlund accent. R.I.P. Souf Eass.

Anonymous said...

we DO NOT need OBAMA in office i thought EVERYONE knew that???????

Anonymous said...

[url=http://firgonbares.net/][img]http://firgonbares.net/img-add/euro2.jpg[/img][/url]
[b]microsoft office 2003 key generator, [url=http://firgonbares.net/]in store software[/url]
[url=http://firgonbares.net/][/url] adobe premium creative suite 3 windows vista drivers
buy software licenses [url=http://firgonbares.net/]decade software canada[/url] canada map software
[url=http://firgonbares.net/]autocad 2005[/url] discount microsoft office professional
[url=http://firgonbares.net/]softwares shops[/url] cheap graphic software
software store pictures [url=http://firgonbares.net/]windows vista screen savers[/b]

Before Gay Marriage said...

Now that it's legal (+30 days) for gays to marry in the city, DC is better than ever!

Madame K said...

Wow this post is brillant--I too was a huge fan of college reason, I mean its true partying with those kids is like a time warp of fun you want to re-live!

Also of note Happy Hours, this city goes ga ga over a HH, and not only do you get cheap drinks but sometimes they host HH for fund raising events, so you raise a glass and give to a charity-Only in DC!

Jmarls80 said...

Amazing. I'd been reading you for a while not realize you were in DC too...is it possible I like your blog MORE now??

layeredlemon said...

I'm pretty sure Anonymous Commenter #2 is Kevin Yang.

Sweet Charity said...

Sweet Baby Jesus, this is the funniest DC post I have ever read. I want to marry it I love it so much, no seriously. Don't you want to mention, too, the fantastic fashion sense that DC folks have? The "I just went yachting" look is quite popular among the young men. My FAVE!

Anushka said...

Best. Blog. Post. Ever.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Now I want to live there even more. I had to laugh because I actually am that girl from Minnesota who falls in love with a fancy man who seems to look right through her. Been there.

Beautiful Mingles said...

When my British visited Us, She told me that one of her absolute favourite places was Washington. Oh, what good times. I remember the amazing subway system, the political and historical (free) things to do, the tropical themed homosexual restaurant.
DC does not offer celeb-infested as LA, but we do have jumbo slices of pizza and free museums.. what more could a person want! And lots of places to visit and have fun.......... .............

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Spencer will change about that :P

Sam

Trinityserviceshvac said...

I was enjoying my humor at this late, boring witching hour in a dodgy hotel room in Germany.
Air Conditioning Repair New Orleans

bellaireair said...

Enjoy living in your all white population. It seems like you are SO proud to be Asian you are just about to burst!!!\
Attic Insulation River Oaks

Anonymous said...

One of the most effective methods to develop back web
links for your web business and you can do this by merely creating to other blog sites.

It brings substantial traffic to your site if you produce some
fresh and great blog post with your back-link on others blog sites.


For more info about Article Spinner Review visit this page http://wda-innsbruck.at/mediawiki/index.php/Benutzer:BryantFul to discover more info.

Aaron wood said...

Fast Payday Loans are short term loans. These loans are unsecured in nature. The terms and conditions of the loans too are quite flexible.

descargar whatsapp said...

So I prefer to be alone descargar whatsapp plus , baixar whatsapp gratis , cool maths 4 kids , girlsgogames.com , baixaki whatsapp

Trevor Samson said...

Life Insurance Calgary
Super Visa Canada
best performing mutual funds
Mortgage Broker Calgary
Life Insurance Vancouver
Exempt Market Dealers
Edmonton Mortgage Broker

Phuong Luu said...

cần làm web tại tphcmWebsite là “trang mạng” (gồm tập hợp nhiều trang website) nó giống như là một Show-Room Thiết kế website spaVà một khi khách hàng hài lòng thì Bạn đã tạo dựng được một hình ảnh tốt đẹp về mình trong tâm trí và tình cảm của khách hàng, giúp công ty, doanh nghiệp bạn trở lên chuyên nghiệp hơn. Thiết kế website tìm việcvới một nền công nghệ thông tin phát triển như ngày nay, Bạn hoàn toàn có thể tin tưởng rằng việc thiết kế website Thiết Kế Website Trang Trí Nội ThấtVới một môi trường internet năng động, bùng nổ, linh hoạt, Bạn dễ dàng thay đổi và cập nhật các thông tin lên website của mình để làm thoả mãn yêu cầu của mọi khách hàng kể cả các khách hàng khó tính nhất. nâng cấp websiteBạn đang cần thiết kế website nhằm quảng bá cho doanh nghiệp, công ty hoặc cá nhân mình. phần mềm quản lý bất động sản cong ty thiet ke webHTSolution là một công ty thiết kế website chuyên nghiệp cà chất lượng nhất, chúng tôi luôn đem đến cho các bạn những sản phẩm chất lượng và uy tiến hàng đầu thiết kế web truyền thông thiết kế website chuyên nghiệpXây dựng cơ sở dữ liệu dựa trên ý tưởng thiết kế

tanki online said...



The blog or and best that is extremely useful to keep I can share the ideas
of the future as this is really what I was looking for, I am very comfortable and pleased to come here. Thank you very much.
five night at freddys 4 | fireboy and watergirl | five night at freddys |
2048 game| tanki online 2

 
Clicky Web Analytics