2.23.2009

"Live"-blogging the 2009 Academy Awards

[Editor's Note: I was totally late to the party, so the first half of this is just Eddie's running commentary on the Awards.]

8:30

I AM BLINDED BY THE GLITTER BLINDED BY THE GLITTER ON THE STAGE.

The opening number: This is really adorable in the way that it reminds me of favorite awards show, THE TONYS (wow I am really gay) The middle school sets are amazing. Also Anne Hathaway changed from her horrid mermaid dress. Jazz must be weeping the sadness of the mermaid dress gone away. http://tinyurl.com/djxc6a.

I am watching the show with a Vassar grad that can’t stand Anne Hathaway’s guts so every time she's on the screen we get some awesome insights into Anne’s college life. (Also Meryl Streep and her daughter went to Vassar so go VC)

8:44

I want to steal Viola's dress, build a time machine and dance the night away at studio 54.

DEAR Ms. CRUZ find a dress that fits your tits.

Amy Adams shows me the theme this year seems to be “giant overwhelming pieces of jewelry that look like things my Great Aunt Moe would have owned.” True story, my great aunt Moe loved jewelry and used to give it out to the young girls by the toy pram full and always have more. My grandpa called it “Moe’s junk” and some of her junk I still rock. BUT I WOULD NOT ROCK IT AT THE OSCARS that’s the difference. Granted Moe's stuff came from Avon in the 1960’s, 70’s and 80’s but still even if it was real NOT OSCAR WORTHY.

GO AU/GOLDIE!

TILDA sometimes you are one of the hottest people ever (see photo shoot where she wore old timey suits) sometimes you look awkward.

OH Ms. Cruz tells us about her childhood and I fear that her right tit is going to fall out. DON’T FALL DON’T FALL OUT! (or maybe do it will amp up the show)

8:50-?

Tina Fey and Steve Martin…for those that don’t know Meg’s dad looks like Steve Martin. This is kind of adorable but TINA FEY is totes posing in a way that seems not her and her eye is saggy in a botox way.

And the screen play winner is…MILK awww one tiny victory and the writer is hot and gay and amazing (he also writes for Big Love which is awesome.)

So Slumdog won for best adapted which isn’t shocking.

9:04

Blah blah animation Jack Black being forced funny. Jennifer Aniston’s hair looks as about put together as my hair…the home viewer should not be more put together then the star.

9:10

ANIMATION GUY GOES “domo arigato Mr. Roboto!” and it was the most adorable thing I have seen at the Oscars.

9:15

Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress looks a bit like it was designed by a wedding Barbie obsessed 6 year old. It's way more wedding dress then Oscar dress and it just does not ‘sit’ well with me/the entire room. Once a Square Peg my dear, always a Square Peg.

9:25

OMG AMANDA IS WEARING A DRESS THAT IS PRETTY MUCH A GIANT BOW and I loves me some bows so I am all for this dress. Plus it is very young in a good way; it is 100% age spot on. The banter is very force and awkward and just high school drama club.

9:32

Joaquin Phoenix joke…and Natalie Portman looks adorable but like an anorexic Barbie doll. You look like you are from a Hasidic Meth Lab is the new YOUR MOM joke. There was a guy coming back to his seat in the front row after a bathroom break BET HE FEELS LIKE A JERK.

9:38

On Jessica Biel: “that dress is very unfortunate” says the queer male in the room. I say and her hair looks like something you rock on a walk of shame. BAD CALL draping gone wrong, I’ve seen better draping on frat boys on their way to a toga party.

9:44

4 screwmosas in and we made popcorn in ye old popcorn maker and the pop corn is hitting my head. Also I am so tipsy I have no clue what is going on with the show

9:52

TOP HATS UNDERREPSENTIED OF OUR SOCIETY this OMG TOP HATS CANES SINGING IN THE RAIN. [editor's note: I didn't edit anything from here on out, drunk-blogging is something I can get behind.]

BEYONCE in a musical medley OMG MY HEART IS DYING IN A RED HOT UNITARD WITH GLOVES. IN MY DREAMS DREAMS THIS IS IDEAL. THEY ARE MAKING THE OSCARS THE TONY’S WHICH IS PROBS THE BEST THING IN THW WORLD. A TOP HAT WITH A CRYSTICAL PLUME SINGING ABBA. THIS IS A GAYS DREAM MAMA MIA WITH TOP HATS ALL THE GAYS IN THE ROOM ARE SCREAMING SCREAMING I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!!

10:00pm

JOLE GREY (everyone else is freaking out about Cuba)

PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN A ROCHESTER NATIVE GO RA CAH CAH play weird people dress with oddness I love my hometown.

JOLE GREY IS AMAZING and presenting for the GLTB movie which fits

Cuba uhh for Robert Downy Jr. which is pretty funny.

Awww Heath Ledger won. SHOCK SHOCK his daughter will get it when she is 18 which is adorbs.

“SHUT UP ANNE YOU ARE ACTING RIGHT NOW” (the Vassar grad to Anne Hathaway tears)


me: sorry i'm late mom! but we're live blogging startingggg NOW
Eddie: THAT LADY
HAS A FACE
THAT IS SO SAD
me: a face for radio...or blogging
Eddie: a J leno face
OH WAIT
10:19 PM Eddie: SHE IS TALKING ABOUT KIDS WITH CLEFTS
is it wrong to talk about her face then?
meg: if it's wrong, then i don't want to be right.
Eddie: BEING RIGHT MEANS BEING WITHOUT YOU (like i was)
AWWW
10:26 PM Eddie: Will Smith is going grey
I AM LIVING IN WEST PHILLY
WHERE ARE YOU NOW WILL SMITH
meg: i just looked up and was like "why is colin ferrel winning a special effects award?"
10:29 PM Eddie: ANOTHER SCREWMOSA
10:31 PM meg: this is boring, when is uncle phil gonna come on and insult him?
Eddie: also this guy sound like me after the mile in 8th grade
10:33 PM meg: HA! right?
Eddie: I feel like people are in a room "3rd world or gays 3rd world or gays"
10:36 PM the developing world wins
meg: may it be a lesson to the gays.
Eddie: we need to swim in shit?
meg: it's adam and eve Eddie, not adam and steve
10:37 PM WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH
WHEN DID JERRY LEWIS DIE?!?!?!?!?!
my mom can't find out! she'll be depressed for years.
10:38 PM Eddie: he is alive
according to wiki
DID HE JUST DIE
wait now i have to check to see if Larry Hagman is alive
10:39 PM meg: i don't think he's dead. if he did die it would have to have been like 15 minutes ago. in which case this tribute should be interesting.
is hagman still kickin' it?
10:40 PM Eddie: HE IS!
knock on wood
10:42 PM meg: uhh was jerry lewis not in his seat or is he an old jewish woman in a ballgown?
10:43 PM Eddie: I just realized Jerry Lewis style is really limp wrist
I went to middle school with a Kid that was on the "Jerry's Kids" national show once
10:44 PM meg: jerry lewis sort of looks like reagan in the right light
Eddie: SOPHIA LOREN
10:45 PM YOUR FACE LOOKS SO FUCKED up
her face looks like it is melting off her skull
10:46 PM meg: nice and short...just how i like it lewis
Eddie: and to think she was once so hot
that's how i see myself on my wedding day.
10:51 PM Eddie: that is why this pains me so much
I think she is one of the most beautiful stars that was and I bet if she aged with grace she would look amazing BUT NO she had to have odd work done
meg: and now she looks like this:
AGREED
with your current picture
10:53 PM WTF THIS PRESENTING COUPLE
ok her dress is cute
10:54 PM BUT SHE TOTES HAD A NOSE JOB
meg: shit, she looks beautiful and he looks like he put half a bottle of depp brand gel in his hair.
what?
10:56 PM Eddie: Indian dancing with white people!
10:57 PM meg: indian dancing is so ridiculously cool to me. also there are asian people on the drums. this feels like the pure racial harmony of something like the olympics
Eddie: RAINBOW CHILDREN
MIA, Angelina
meg: for a hot second i thought kanye west was singing
10:58 PM Eddie: THIS IS WHAT YOU AIM FOR
this sounds like we shall overcome
and looks like it's a small world
meg: BORING
11:00 PM Eddie: the other musical numbers were 100% better
meg: it sort of sounds like they were signing "giant ho"
and that makes me laugh
11:01 PM Eddie: he is rocking a whole bottle of LA style
meg: ok seriously. zac efron's hair. it looks like alicia just gave him a cat bath with her tongue
giant ho wins.
aint that always the way?
11:02 PM Eddie: in beauty competitions
11:03 PM have you seen all these JC pennys ads?
meg: about "stepping up their style"?
Eddie: I am all about shopping on the cheap
but JC Penny is never the way to do that
11:04 PM it is the way to look like a styling meth addict
meg: "pennys" is where you to go buy your girl scout uniform and buy cheap basics for high school musical productions.
Eddie: TRUE
meg: don't try to make a ho a houswife pennys
Eddie: I have mixed feelings about Freida Pinto’s dress
I love the color, love the lace
the cut...
meg: foreign. they get the fashion exempt card.
11:07 PM Eddie: she is also 4 days younger then me
it makes me feel very "I have done nothing in my life"
11:08 PM meg: somebody keeps clapping slightly too long in the audience and it's annoying. and i'm 89% sure it's efron.
Eddie: DAMN EFRON
11:11 PM WOOO A LESBIAN!
(that will never say she is)
meg: WOOOOO OBITUARIES!
Eddie: This makes me think of every ex fling
i'll be seeing you
in every lovely summers day
11:12 PM meg: BERNIE MAC
RIP
Eddie: in everything that is light and gay
the Mermaid dress
making everyone's ass look big
11:14 PM How many times will she sing this song
OMG CHARLTON HESTON
11:15 PM meg: paul newman.....god it kills me.
Eddie: PAUL NEWMAN
I LOVE YOUR SALAD DRESSIGNS
I legits shed a tear when I used your dressing last lunch break
11:19 PM meg: whhhhat?? reese witherspoon's dress looks like she took an 80's prom dress and put it in the blender.
11:20 PM Eddie: I kind of like it
but then again
it has sparkles, lace, blue
11:21 PM and you have not seen the other HORRID DRESSES
there are some HORRID ONES
meg: f'real?
'eh it's a recession
11:22 PM Eddie: Heidi
Miley
11:23 PM meg heidi dress: sushi cuts.
Eddie: JEWERLY
11:24 PM IS LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD
meg: uh oh..............i don't hate the miley dress
Eddie: miley's dress
would be CUTE
with a sash
that belt
kills it
if it was a dark blue sash it would be so cute and right for her age
meg: i agree, it's slightly out of place
she's just being miley
Eddie: but the fucking belt
11:27 PM a homeless man on a bus told me I look like Shirley MacLaine once
11:28 PM meg: why am i teary-eyed right now?
Eddie: b/c all the actress are
11:29 PM HER FACE
11:30 PM meg: you don't look like shirley maclaine, but you do both have the "gahh i'm so irish i have asian eyes!" look going on
Eddie: SOPHIA
IS ON DRUGS
DYNASTY DRESS
11:31 PM meg: oh god yes. that dress was just pryed off crystal carrington's cold dead body
Eddie: 2 people from Vassar from the win
IN THE POND
DEAR ANGELIA
THE LESBIANS MISS YOU
11:32 PM meg: HAHA, WIN FOR THE STRAIGHTS!
Eddie: I WANT THE GIA ANELINA BACK
but
she has the best dress
i love her dress
stylish
meg: yay go kate winslet!!!!
Eddie: new
but classic at the same time
I still feel like the TV show extras
11:33 PM SHE WINS FOR THE MOVIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST
11:34 PM this is adorbs
AND A HAT
HE IS ROCKING A HAT
11:35 PM meg: i like the back of her dress
11:36 PM Eddie: I just like her dress classic pretty good call
11:39 PM Sean Penn is a talent in general
11:40 PM meg: sean penn makes me deeply uncomfortalbe
Eddie: he won't win
but he is a talent
11:41 PM meg: ok WOW adrienne brody. apparently alicia keys gave you a catbath as well
Eddie: I also hate how the male actors
have wrinkles, pox marks, acne scars, gray hair
and the women (some of the same age) nothing
11:42 PM meg: wow, alicia keys got mickey roruke GOOD
11:43 PM Eddie: WOW
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMIN
WOW THAT IS AN UPSET
meg: sean penn just proved your lying face wrong
Eddie: dude
NO ONE THOUGHT HE WOULD WIN
no one
11:44 PM he also looks a bit johnny cash
11:45 PM HE CAN'T KEEP HIS NAMES RIGHT
meg: who's that kid they keep flashing to?
Eddie: that is the writer
THE HOT HOT HOT HOT WRITER
born 1979
writes for big love too
meg: shit....he's cute
sign me up
Eddie: gay
11:46 PM and everyone in the room claps
and the queers cry
11:47 PM meg: ok this is getting gay and political....i'm starting to get tense and awkward
Eddie: THE OSCARS
THEY SHOULD BE GAY AND POLITICAL
11:48 PM I never knew steven spielberg had such a lisp
11:49 PM meg: oh forst whittaker, will you marry me?
11:53 PM Eddie: Slumdog won
it was cute
I don't know
It was not amazing to me
meg: i didn't see it.
Eddie: then again Forest Gump
11:54 PM Shakespeare In love
Crash
all ehh movies
that won
11:55 PM BRING BACK MOVIES
meg: forest gump was a lot of things, but it was not "ehh"
Eddie: i mean, ehh

8 comments:

Rivka said...

I LOVE YOU GUYS. how has it taken me so long to find your blog???

Anonymous said...

you missed tim gunn hosting the red carpet!!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW I MISSED TIM GUNN HOSTING THE RED CARPET. I LITERALLY CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT.

i was at a family function. my mother would have slapped me in the face if i left the table to go live blog the red carpet pre-show. i'm not even kidding...i'm scared of her.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

and we love you too rivka! it may have taken a while, but i'm certainly glad you found us! <3

Abby said...

I just found your blog the other day - Love it!

My fave part was the mr. Roboto guy - so adorable!

sassy said...

aaah you girls crack me up. all of us errolers have blogcrushes on you. especially now that I know eddie loves paul newman as much as I do. how can you not love a beautiful man who makes sauce?

meanwhile my oscar complaint is ... not gay enough. I would be happy if they turned the whole thing into the tonys. when hugh sat in frank langella's lap and made a boner joke he got my hopes all up, and from there it was kinda downhill.

dear oscars: more hugh, more glitter, and more goldie hawn next year pls.

or, hugh could just host the whole thing as peter allen. with maracas. either way.

eddie said...

Re-reading this days later I realized I was about 45times drunker then I thought I was at the time.
@abby- Not only was that guy cute but everyone around him looked a bit shocked.
@Sassy- I had so much tonys love as a child I would tape on my VHS and rewatch it to memorize the musical numbers. I should be ashamed of this fact but for some reason I am not.

ps why did I just find out JOAN COLLINS WAS AT THE OSCARS after party???

http://hipcelebrity.blogspot.com/2009/02/joan-collins-arrives-at-2009-vanity.html

that woman never ages and will always have my heart.

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