Episode 8: Recapped by Chris
Readers, let’s take a minute to pour one out for Bromance. Recrap Tuesdays won’t be the same without you, Brody.
But lucky for you (or unlucky for you, depending on how you feel about The City/these recrap Tuesdays) the misadventures of Miss Port are still going strong. And after six weeks of poor to mediocre plotlines, we get a smattering of excitement this episode. So pour yourself some champy, put on your best DVF attire, and settle in for this week’s recap.
What these kids need is a lesson in proverbs.
Take Nevia for instance. Don’t they know that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones? Have you seen Olivia’s (and by proxy Nevan’s) apartment building? It’s 100% glass. So if they keep hurling around boulders, they are going to wind up with an unpleasant draft and an Annie Lennox song.
Nevan, for instance, has balls enough to mock Jay’s choice of outfit for the Hotel Ganesvoort event (which was giving coats to homeless people, but I saw neither coats nor the homeless. FAIL.). However, did he not show up to a fancy brunch spot wearing clothes he found in the bottom of the dollar bin at Walmart? Boulder to glass ceiling.
Likewise, Olivia, who can barely disguise her contempt for everything about Jay’s gig at the Cutting Room and ducks out at the first opportunity, bitches and moans about him not thanking her for hooking him up with a gig that clearly was not his scene. Then, when Whit says WTF, Olivia says her feelings on the matter and closes with “This is not the appropriate place to discuss this so let’s keep our work and personal lives separate.” On a personal note, I’ve had someone give me this brush-off. The other person is trying to come off as mature and a better person, but really they are just a prick because they’ve clearly already said their part but do not want me/Whitney to have a chance to say our piece. Whitney, I’ve got your back. If I see Olivia on the street, I promise to snap her little toothpick legs for you.
Also, Nevia, living in a glass house is a surefire way for everyone to find out you are adhering to your own proverb of if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family. Seriously, the Cruel Intentions vibe was palpable when Nevan called Olivia “babe” at brunch.
My future best friend, Erin, Queen of the Tequila Shots (seriously, I dare you to take a shot of tequila everytime Erin mentions it) clearly has forgotten that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. As this proverb isn’t immediately self-explanatory, I will it dumb it down for you, Erin. Don’t be greedy. Either be satisfied with Canuck Duncan or go for Phelpsian JR. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. In short, one guy in your bush is worth two not in your bush. (Too vulgar? I make no apologies.) If I had to weigh in on this one, I would have avoided the teary spectacle at Brother Jimmy’s and made out with JR over the bar. Think about it, he can give you sex AND free tequila shots. And we know how much you like those.
Whitney needs to keep in mind that oil and water don’t mix, oil being the contents of Jay’s hair and water being the sole contents of Olivia’s stomach. At least I respect Jay for being straightforward about his feelings about Olivia. Whenever her name was mentioned, he was full of eyerolls and snark. Olivia, however, puts on a horrible fake smile, talks like a child, and pretends everyone is her biffle. If she hated Jay’s gig at the Cutting Room, why book him for your fundraising event? Also, why do you look like Gretchen Weiners a la Trang Pak right now, Liv? It’s not going to work out, Whitney. And at least after this spat with O-town, you know where she stands. Let this be a lesson for you.
Only Jay seemed to remember that to err is human, to forgive divine when Olivia made Whitney late to his show. Though the tone of his voice betrayed a certain Chris Brown edge (too soon?), he did manage to get over it. Hopefully Olivia and Whitney do not heed this sage advice and we have an all out feud on our hands.
Will Olivia finally get her comeuppance when Nevan is killed by a taxicab in Central Park? Does Erin choose Mounties over getting mounted? Will Sam ever be relevant? Until next week, my friends.
Sidenote: in researching the proverbs for this recap I came across this “proverb”: Don't try to teach your Grandma to suck eggs. Is that even real? What the hell could that possibly mean? You are welcome for that.