As recapped by Chris
This week on
The City, the gang packs up and heads to Miami to escape the cold weather, and MTV manages to avoid the censors, slowly panning up some unauthorized ho’s bod in a thong bikini (Seriously, are you allowed to show that much bare ass?) But who cares about The City, I know you guys are all here to find out what really happened this week on: The Show about New York You Are Watching Until New Episodes of Gossip Girl Are Back
[scene: One Management, NYC]
Erin: Isn’t it great that we work together so we don’t have to resort to gchat like the commoners? We can just sit here and talk and not ever pretend to look like we’re working.
Allie: Wait, you know I’m a model right? We don’t technically work together. Why am I even here? Last thing I remember I was at the doctor’s. He said something about pink eye…
Erin: Yea, now that you mention it, your eyes are really pink. But I think it’s just your eye shadow. I could take you to the bathroom and show you how to apply makeup, because I look surprisingly good today.
Allie: I even like how your hair is a tribute to Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars.
Erin: Thanks! I’m so glad you got what I was going for! So are you coming to Miami with all of us?! If I learned anything from Will Smith, it’s that Miami is the city where the heat is on. Also did you know Eva Mendes is in that music video. Weird, right? Regardless, I’m super excited! I hear that in Miami the rivers are full of tequila!
Allie: Bummer, I can’t go. I have this thing called work, which you seem to know nothing about. Anyway have fun in Miami, but can you keep an eye on Adam for me? I mean, don’t, because I totally trust him. But do. But don’t.
Jay: Welcome to Miami!
Eva Mendes: Bienvenidos a Miami.
Whitney: I’m so glad everyone listened to me when I said it would look so cool if we all wore white upon arriving here. Let’s hit the pool.
[poolside with the ladies]
Whitney: Erin, who are these two girls sitting with us?
Erin: I’m not really sure. I think the subtitles said something about Pottsy’s girlfriend about one of them…I couldn’t see because these sunglasses I borrowed from Kanye are so luda. The other one is just completely random, as far as I can tell.
Whitney: Do I know a Pottsy? Do you mean Warren “Potsie” Weber from Happy Days? When did we start hanging out with fictional characters’ girlfriends?
Jess or Jessi or Jessie, but definitely Pottsy’s girlfriend: Oh by the way, Jay’s ex Danielle is a stalker. Just throwing it out there. Also, I’m going to casually hint that living with Jay might be a bad idea.
[in the pool, with the bros]
Random bro #1: I heard you moved in with Whitney. Pussywhipped!
Jay: Naw man, Adam’s the one that’s pussywhipped. He kicked me out. I had no choice.
Adam: You’d be whipped too if your girlfriend was hot and had your balls in a jar by the bed.
Random bro #2: Dude.
Random bro #1: Bro.
Meanwhile, back in The City
[scene: Nylon magazine cover shoot for what appears to be rape/abusive relationships issue]
Photographer: Yea! Bite her harder! Yea draw blood! Pull her hair a little! Yea, that’s great. This is great. Oh yea, make her cry! (Note: Ok, I’m exaggerating, but in the lead photo he’s biting a large chunk of flesh off of Allie’s already fleshless shoulder. Poetic license, right?) Ok take a walk or a cold shower, I know I’ll need both.
Male model with no name and large square face: That got me so hot. Want to get a drink with me to cool off.
Allie: I have a boyfriend, but I’m also not saying no.
Squareface: I try to be a gentleman. So about that drink…
Allie: That’s probably what a gentleman wouldn’t do if the girl he asked to get a drink had a boyfriend.
Later that evening, in Miami
Jay: Oh weird. Danielle is here. This is in no way planned or scripted, we all just happened to show up to the same club in Miami. Whatever, I don’t even care. Watch me not care so much I’m going to go talk to her. [to Danielle] I can think of no better place to discuss things than a club. Maybe let’s not tell anyone except for the television audience that we did sleep together?
Danielle: Do you like my outfit? I was going for Samantha Ronson, but I think it comes off a little Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels. Wait, look! A bowler! Ronson! Oh yea, whatever Jay. I don’t care. Let’s not talk about it.
Unauthorized ho: Whitney, what a small world? The one club we are at Danielle AND Dennis Rodman are here.
Whitney: Ugh. Hates it. Crap, look busy I think Danielle is coming over.
Danielle: OMG hey BFF! Like, I’m totes sorry I slept with…oops! I mean that your bfry and I hung out. It was totes innocent. No harm, no foul, right?
Whit: Yea. Whatever. Can you leave now?
Erin: This is so awkward.
Jess: Keep dancing and pretend you don’t hear it.
Erin: I was talking about Adam and all those girls. And dammit, he has a whole bottle of Patron. That’s it! I’m pissed. I’m calling Allie.
Erin: Hey, it’s me. I’m calling from the club.
Allie: That’s surprising as I can here you perfectly.
Erin: I have the network. Can you hear me now? Anyway, I’m staring at Adam and I just thought you should know he’s talking to a girl. He hasn’t done anything, but just think of what he could do. You know? I just thought you should know that he could cheat on you tonight.
Allie: Oh. Great. This again. Thanks Erin. Hey Squarehead!
Allie: Let’s get crunked, I had a long day.
An indeterminate amount of time later in NYC
Whitney: That was fun.
Jay: I think Adam had fun too. Oh btdubs, sorry about Danielle, she’s a li..
Whitney: Yea, WTF was that? There’s a billion clubs in Miami, why is she at ours? Also, I’m surprisingly not stupid. If you had nothing to hide, we wouldn’t have even started talking about this. Also, my word of the day is “overjustify” so I’m going to use it as much as possible in this fight. Overjustify.
Jay: Wait, what? I thought we were over this.
Whitney: I don’t know. This conversation gives me the runs. I’m not stupid, don’t play me for a fool.
Jay: Ok, I won’t. ::fingers crossed::
(Note: the scene at Bergdorf’s is completely irrelevant but I would be remiss if I failed to mention Erin’s hot pink romper. God I hate/love that girl.)
[scene: 10 Downing food establishment]
Adam: Hey! I’m a good boyfriend, I brought you flowers!
Allie: What did you do in Miami? I had a spy down there you know.
Adam: Babe. Nothing happ..
Allie: Well while you were down there, I went and got drinks with this guy. How does that make you feel, huh? Huh? HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
Adam: I’m not sure, but I like this change of pace for us. Fighting inside is a lot warmer.
[scene: Opening Ceremony clothing store]
Jess: So what’s up?
Whitney: Your gaptooth? I’m sorry, I mean your horrible turtleneck sweater. Wait, no, that was uncalled for.
Jess: You’re one to talk with your stringy hair. Growing out your natural hair color, are we? Just for that, I’m going to tell you horrible things about Jay. Suck on that.
Whitney: Toucé Gaptooth. Touché.