2 Birds Investigates: My New Pink Button™

The subject of today's blog investigation came up when Tulane Chris was in town a few months ago and we were driving around, shootin' the shit. We somehow gots-to-talking about asshole bleaching, like you do, and from there I asked Chris if he'd heard of the new vaginal craze, vajazzling.

For those of you not in the know, Vajazzling is a new trend (fronted by Jennifer Love Hewitt) (because Lord knows girlfriend's gotta keep her name relevant somehow) where a spa technician waxes your vagina and adheres jewels in various patterns to spice up your sex life. Personally, I don't get the appeal of vajazzling. Not only do I not want my vagina to look like a 13-year-old Asian girl's cell phone, I can't imagine having Krazy Glue applied to my freshly waxed vagina. If that's not a recipe for ingrown hairs and rug rash, I really don't know what is.

But according to Chris, vajazzling is so early 2010. Apparently it's all about vaginal dying.

M: Vaginal what now?

TC: Vaginal dying. Apparently women get self-conscious about the color of their labia, so they sell this dye online to make it pink again. I think it's called My New Pink Button™?

M: .........UH, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

TC: We're going to dye your vagina and blog about it, aren't we?

M: AND HOW!

Before we go any further with this, I'd like to issue an official statement: The color of my vagina is just fine, a-thank you. Truthfully before this conversation, I'd never really given much thought about its color at all. I mean, I'm already self-conscious about about 98% of my body, do I really have to add labia color into that mix? Christ, there are only so many hours in the day...

According to My New Pink Button™:

Occasionally a woman is self conscious of her Labia since childhood. A common concern amongst women about their Labia Minora (inside vaginal lips) and general area, is the color loss and color change due to age, health and many other factors. When the question is put to the female population, about what color is most appealing to the eye, for their Labia Minora, the answer is "Pink". This is also the majority of the response amongst males for what is aesthetically appealing to the eye of their sexual partner.

I mean, I suppose we've all seen porn with lady bits that have seen better days, so I guess I buy that. I just have a hard time accepting that guys give a shit how pink your puss is. I mean, you made it in there, so...you're welcome. Is there really a need to break out a Pantone swatch and see how I measure up? Besides, who's fuckin' with the lights on? That's for porn stars and atheists. And if you're going down on a girl, I can't help but think you knew what you were getting yourself into. I believe Helena said it best tonight when she said, "Going down on a girl is like going to North Korea."

Really Helena, how is that? I think we'd all love to hear the end of this one.

"Well, you're flying in and everything looks really pretty from the window and there are rice paddies everywhere and it looks like a beautiful, charming country. But then you land and you're like, 'Well shit, now I'm stuck in a fucking dictatorship.' In the end, I'd just rather go to France, you know?"

...No. No, I do not. But I do know that I now aspire to be in a production of The Vagina Monologues where I recite slam poetry about my vagina, including the line: "My vagina is a North Korean dictatorship: bold, dangerous, volatile, and highly susceptible to ex-American presidents."

Whether or not anyone really gives a shit about the color of your labia, Chris and I were curious to see if MNPB™ actually makes your snatch pinker. The product comes in four colors: Marilyn; Bettie; Ginger and Audrey, ranging from lightest to darkest, respectively. Of course on the day Chris and I went to order, they only had Audrey.

TC: Ok, let's order.

M: Uh, no. They only have Audrey.

TC: So?

M: So it's made for black women and I'm the palest person on the planet. I'm not dying my vagina dark maroon.

TC: Why not? It's not like anyone's going to see it.

M: Well...................YEAH, but...still. Asshole.

In the end, I decided to put my vagina down and wait until a lighter shade came back in stock. A few weeks later, Bettie was in and I bought it for $29.95, plus free shipping and handling. We conducted the Investigation a few weeks ago when I was in Philly working on business stuff with Chris. And you know what? I'd like to think we're doing something right when "dying Meg's vagina" is an important part of our Weekend of Productivity. Right? Good for us!

2 Birds Investigates: My New Pink Button™

By: Meg "I don't think you should eat that" McBlogger and Chris " Well then maybe you shouldn't spread it on your pussy" Blogger-Blog.

My New Pink Button™ contains: iron oxide, citric acid, pink kaolin clay, red 40, lechithin, ascorbic acid, red 40 lake, daucus carota satiba, ceresin, beet juice extract, manganese violet, calcium phosphate, maltodextrin, bha, poly peg, rose hip, ethylhexyl palmitate, tricaprylin, modified corn startch, chamomile, safron, blue #1, turmeric, blue #2, fruit juice concentrates including: pomegranate-cherry-apricot-grape-strawberry-blackberry-raspberry-passion fruit, lavaneula angustifolia, magnesium spearate, malic acid, sodium citrate, titanium dioxide, zinc, yellow #5, yellow #6, yellow #5 lake, myrrh, and salt.

The bottom of the tin bears the slogan: "Our products are never tested on animals, but will bring out the animal in you!"

Chris has feelings about the ingredients. He would like to make you aware of the following:

1. ) Iron Oxide is what makes Mars red.

2.) Apparently the only thing Chris retained from 9th grade Chemistry is that manganese turns a beautiful color when mixed with water, or quote, "something. I don't really remember, but it was pretty." Little did freshman Chris know that 10 years later, his business partner would be spread eagle on his air mattress in Philadelphia with a hand mirror applying it with an eye shadow applicator to her pussy. The more you know.

3.) It has chamomile to gently lull your snizz to sleep.

4.) "There's just a lot of herbs and spices in this. It's just very Colonel Sanders."

5.) "You know how kids' breakfast cereals are always like, 'five magical fruit flavors!'?" Yeah? "Well your pussy has eight."

6.) When Chris was a wee little Chrislet in middle school, the rumor was that yellow #5 shrank your balls. Much to Chris' dismay, this rumor prevented him from drinking his favorite Surge soft drink because he was afraid the other kids would make fun of him for his little balls. This story is consistently never not the funniest thing I've ever heard. Because I have this glorious mental image of baby Chrislet standing in front of a Fruitopia vending machine, with his head hung in disappointment and both hands covering his groin. Just makes you want to get a Delorean and gun it to 88, doesn't it?

7.) It has myrrh, as in gold, frankincense and. PUSSY DYE: coming soon to a nativity scene near you!

8.) Salt. And pepper to taste?

The kit contains: a vile, not unlike the one you buy crack cocaine in; a mini shot glass and 20 pre-scented eyeshadow applicators.

Suggested use: My New Button™ Cosmetic Labia Dye, is intended for use on the Labia Minora as a "Color Restorer". Variations of color when applied, will depend on many factors including your current natural color, ethnicity, body PH, bathing frequency etc. One application will usually last 72 plus hours. You may reapply the color as needed. This is an Adult Novelty Cosmetic product and its use is to promote beauty of a woman's genital area by restoring natural color.

Directions:

1.) Open package and take out Mixing Dish, one Applicator and the Powder Dye Colorant Bottle. To prevent dye from touching counter surface, place product on a washcloth or tissue.

Take the Cooter Dye out of the case and crack open two Yuenglings. If you're running low on paper towels, use the one you drained your bacon on this morning.

2.) Put a little "shake" of the Powder Dye in the Mixing Dish; place cap back on bottle. Be sure to never get any moisture in the Powder Dye Bottle.

Put a little "shake" of the Powder Dye onto your moistened fingertip and apply it directly to your tongue.

As your writing partner squeals in disgust and shouts, "CHRIS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT. CHRIS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT," like a condescending metronome, note how much it tastes like childhood favorite, "Fun Dip."

This raises the following two questions:

1.) In a blind taste test, could Chris tell Snizz Dye from his beloved Crystal Lite?

2.) Does this make your pussy explode with eight delicious fruit flavors? Much like Crystal Lite? We honestly didn't think to have Chris go down on Meg to see. Although, as Chris just said, "If there's two people who could have businesslike oral sex, I think it would be us during a 2 Birds Investigation." (Side note: I'm sorry to break the fourth wall, but it's important to me that you know Chris and I are currently on the phone writing this and he's significantly drunker than I thought he was when this conversation began. He just cackled for a solid 20 seconds and squeaked: "Oh man, I have this mental image of me going down on you, looking up and shouting, 'Hey! It's not like I'm getting union wages down here!'" ...Jesus Christ.)

3.) Take the Applicator and hold it under running water for one second. This will allow just the right amount of water to fill the Applicator Tip.

4.) Now, take the Applicator Tip and mix it in with the Powder Dye in the Mixing Dish so that the Applicator soaks up the color. You are ready to apply.

At this point, Meg retreated behind closed doors to have her "special pinkening time" on Chris' air mattress.

Beave to the wind, she straddled her makeup mirror and went a-paintin'. If a curious plumber was to come by and make the day interesting, now was the time.

While Chris was banished to the living room to play Bejeweled on Meg's phone because it's not 2006 and they weren't on Abigail Breslin's brother's make out couch, he occasionally checked in with her.

TC: You pinkening?

M: I'm pinkening!

[Goes back to playing Bejeweled. Moments later,] M: Ow. OW! It burns like a tiny Hindenburg!

It should be said that according to the instructions, "for some, a slight 'irritating' feeling may occur at application and lasts for about a minute. This is due to the ingredients reacting to your own bodies [sic] PH balance, which is normal and will go away upon rinsing off colorant."

That is unless you don't rinse it off, opting instead to take a paper towel (not the bacon paper towel), hold it under the bathtub faucet by one of the corners (unaware that it is on the hottest setting) and proceed to scrub your womanhood with it. Which, in case you were wondering, will feel like 10,000 moderately sized bees stinging your Gloria Steinem. To put that fire out, you will need to throw all modesty (and your stretch pants) to the wind, get in the shower, squat down and rinse under cold water like a scared teenager after a round of prom night "just the tip".

Refreshed, say this to your writing partner: "It burned around the opening to that which is Meg. Let me put it on your back."

"OK. Do you think this will make the readers like me?"

"It certainly couldn't hurt."

Pretend you own and operate a crappy spa by playing soothing rain sounds on your iPod for ambiance and paint "DEATH BEFORE DISHONOUR" on your writing partner's back with the snizz paint. Note the commonwealth U spelling:

Relax by the rain sounds face down on the floor. Let the pussy dye soak in as you listen to your writing partner straddle her makeup mirror and disappointingly say, "I think I have third-degree burns and it didn't even make a difference."

After a good 10 or 15 minutes, have your writing partner wipe the dye off (with the bacon paper towel) and be disappointed when it doesn't even leave a trace. Chalk this up to a learning (and burning) experience (that was Chris' joke, not mine) and mix yourself another pitcher of Crystal Lite.

Final Summation: My New Pink Button™: not worth it. Turning off the lights or getting vajazzled to draw the eye away from your graying, lackluster Labia Minora: worth it. Crystal Lite: totally the new Jäger.

FIN!