9.27.2010

Peg Leg Meg

I’ve started spending a lot of time at the gay sports bar near my new apartment. What’s great about it is that a) it’s as funny as it sounds like it is, and b) it’s funny in exactly the way it sounds like it is. Where else do you get to hear a drunk say, “It’s a football, not a dandelion, you jackass! Kick the damn field goal! Boy, Garrett Hartley sure is cute. TOO BAD HE CAN’T KICK FOR SHIT. I wouldn’t KICK him out of bed, though. Get it?”*

During the time I’m not at the bar, though, I’m thinking about money. I’m a little ashamed of my bald-faced plea for a patron last week. I still totally want one, I just think I should have gone about the hunt with a little more class. That said, what Meg and I have decided to do is start a business. If it succeeds, we won’t need a patron; if it fails, it makes us that much more adorable (in a sad way) and we might get pity bucks. Here are our proposals so far:

Mom and Pop shopkeepers: We could cut off one of Meg’s feet and open a chicken farm and bulk beer outlet by the interstate called “Peg Leg Meg’s Kegs n’ Eggs.” Disadvantages: it’s hard to get a wedge onto the end of a peg leg.

Publishers: I feel like we could tap into the growing feel-good market with titles like Chicken Soup for the Illiterate Soul, an excerpt of which appears below:

L

L................................J

L.............J

L J

L heart! J

J J

Is that a tearjerker or what? For the literate, we would have as our first effort Eat, Pray, Queef**, the inspiring story of a woman in her early thirties who, after going through a divorce and finding herself dissatisfied with her career, starts drinking heavily, eating gas station nachos, and fucking anything in pants.

Miss Helen Thinks You’re A Sorry Son of a Bitch.biz: A friend of mine’s family is “having problems.” The specifics aren’t important (although it does involve an argument over making payments on a trailer), but the end result is that the son has infuriated Miss Helen, the mother’s best friend. Miss Helen is a plain-talking mountain woman who says things like “Whenever I go out, I always wash my face and my ass.” The mother is not long for this world, and Miss Helen is making plans to, after her death, publicly prove the son to be a sorry sack of shit. Wouldn’t you pay for Miss Helen to do this to an enemy of yours? Gather all his acquaintances in a room, turn on a projector, and give a 30-minute presentation on why he’s an asshole? I figure if we get a van, we could make it a mobile service and do several a day. We could go on the road. “Miss Helen will be in the Gulfport area May 11-14. If you know a sorry son of a bitch and would like it proven, please call 1-800-I-ALWAYS-WASH-MY-ASS.”

Screenwriters: “2Birds1Blog productions and Manischewitz Kosher Wines present the gripping story of a driven career woman torn between the pressures of job and family. Now, faced with the biggest case of her career, will this tough female DA who isn’t afraid to play hardball with the big boys be able to finish her closing arguments before being treated for an ectopic pregnancy? Find out in Miscarriage of Justice, tonight on Lifetime.”

Hired killers: Heh, can you imagine two lazy, anxious assassins?

“I think we should go back and see if she’s dead. I’m just not sure…”

“I think we should go home, lock the door, put on Designing Women, and drink Turning Leaf Pinot Noir until we pass out.”

“Sold.”

And

“I told you, the senator needs to be dead by Tuesday’s meeting!”

“Yeah, yeah. It’ll get done. Actually, can you pick me up a gun or something while you’re out?”

And

“Okay, on three. One, two…”

“Wait. One, two, shoot on three or one, two, three, shoot?”

And

“Which bottle of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay did you poison?”

“Uh. Well. Okay, well, we’ll drink a little of each one, and whichever one make us feel a little sick we’ll recork and hide in the banker’s kitchen.”

Phone sex operators: Pretty much the same issues as the assassins, really.

“What are you wearing?”

“Oh, uh. Boxer-briefs and a Styx t-shirt with a big Kool-Aid stain.”

“Oh. So, uh, what do you want to do?”

“Tell you what I want to do, hoss, is just kind of relax here and let you get your business taken care of. How does that sound, slugger? I bet if you try you can get done in about three minutes.”

I expect I would get fired after referring to a client’s scrotum as “your little coin purse.”

AA sponsors: “No, I think it’s more impressive to have just one drink. Then you’re really showing them you’re over it.”

Life coaches: “Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to call the waaaaahmbulance? You don’t need a coach, you need a kick in the ass.”

Suicide hotline responders: “Wow, that REALLY sucks. I don’t know how you’re hanging on.”

And if all else fails, we can work at a candy factory.

See? We have plans. We’re entrepreneurs.

*Yeah, it was totally me

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** NOTHING is better than hearing Meg say “queef.” She caresses it with her voice in this weird seductive way and it’s wonderful. [Ed. Note: NEW BUSINESS IDEA! For $5 I'll give you my phone number and you can call me and I'll say queef. BOOM. I realize it would be smarter to get your number, but, you know, dialing...]

40 comments:

J said...

LOVE.

Marge said...

Have a BYOB party and charge us $20 to get in. Most of your readers, myself included, are total creepers and want to meet the REAL Meg and Chris, so I have a feeling you could get a lot of people to attend.

Briana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Briana said...

I'm a loyal reader, but first time commenter. I always laugh, but when I read, "Peg Leg Meg's Kegs'n'Eggs," it got a little inappropriate. I'm still kind of laughing. Chris, the next time someone says you're not hilarious, I want you to cut off his or her foot and go into business. I live in New York but I'd be at that roadside egg shack so damn fast ...
You guys amaze me. Never stop.

Max said...

I love you Tulane Chris

Elliot said...

Oh man you totally stole one of my favorite punchlines! Word-for-word, one line from my open mic stand-up routine:

"So I was reading about [Supreme Court or Congress issue of the day] and how [whatever opposing group] is calling the decision a miscarriage of justice. And that got me thinking, about how they really are misusing that phrase. A miscarriage of justice should be when you throw a pregnant girl down a staircase, but the fetus would have grown up to be a supervillain. It makes me want to write a comic book about Gynoman, the superhero that goes around using the Coat Hanger Of Truth to stop evil-doers from being born."

Anonymous said...

ehhh

"Mike" said...

I wouldn't get too attached to that Adderall-popping Superbowl hero if I were you. Matt Stover, Kris Brown, and even good ol' John Carney are now in the picture..

Nicoline said...

I love your blog is great!!!! I hope you will check mine:)
www.abitofeverything-nicoline.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

You had me at queef!

Anonymous said...

Garrett Hartley went to my high school and was well known for not getting kicked out of beds and seriously failing in the state game senior year. Good to see going pro changes little...fantastic post!

Emmy said...

So, where is this gay sports bar? Because, as a straight woman who loves sports, that kind of sounds like my dream. I can talk to other people who like sports about how attractive the athletes are without being judged. Also, I could bring my sports-obsessed, recently-single gay friend there to find his soulmate.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Emmy, a gay sports bar sounds delightful!

also, I'd be fine with ditching the Fat Punk Kicker in favor of Scott Fujita, mmmm. Plus, the defense could really use him this year

Jeff said...

Funny stuff. Just found you through the choice awards site.

(re)becca said...

#1: I agree with Marge's suggestion. Maybe not $20 (there's a reason I'm still living at home ...) but for $10 I'm sure I could convince at least a few of my friends to come with me.

#2: Reading about your DC-area exploits - especially when I recognize the places you're talking about - feels super weird. Like I've found myself in some sort of exclusive, top secret club that I'm not actually allowed into. And when they realize I'm here I'll get in big trouble and be ostracized forever. I can't decide whether I should try to sneak out before they notice me or like, hide in the cupboard and spy on the secret meeting.

#2.5: I feel a little stalkerish, but Emmy and Anonymous, I assume Chris is referring to Nellie's, on U Street. Either that or DC has more than one gay sports bar ...

Emmy said...

(re)becca -- I know about Nellie's but Chris lives in Philly (talk about stalkerish). I have a feeling that it would a little rougher around the edges (being Philly) than Nellie's, which is a bit more my style. :)

Todd said...

So when I first read the title I thought it said "Peg Like Meg". I was really excited for a blog post on sex toys... on that note a 2b1b Investigation special? I think so!

Anonymous said...

NPT? NPW? WTF?

Rick said...

I really regret voting you for best blog when your post become this infrequent.

Christine said...

Rick-it was one measly vote and you didnt exactly do anything out of the ordinary other than register and click. Yes, it was a nice gesture but stop trying to be a Jewish Bubi and make Meg feel guilty for not writing for a few days. This bitch has been writing, FOR FREE, FOR YEARS. Keep your mean comments to yourself. Its obvious that you need a social life.

Anonymous said...

NPT, NPW...Please sweet Jesus don't let today end up being a NPTh.
:(

Anonymous said...

a) Rick, go look in a mirror. That's what douchebag looks like! b) Meg we miss you! are you ok?

-slightly too emotionally involved reader

Anonymous said...

Isn't Meg at her sister's bachelorette party in Miami? I'm pretty sure she is trying to not disrespect her sister by blogging when she should be making sure to give her the best week ever.

It's a blog. If you're mad they aren't posting then go read something else.

Delia said...

Have you guys seen Bethenny Frankel's dog's twitter?!

http://twitter.com/BethennysCookie

I think you should make one for Evie!

Chris said...

I agree with Rick. Feel free to call me a douche and an asshole, cause I do think it's ace that 2birds has got so many caring and concerned friends.

I have to say, though, that while friends are awesome, they don't launch careers, obviously what Meg is trying to do with this blog. No post days, happening more and more frequently, undermine her efforts and those of her readers, myself included.

When I vote 2b1b for best blog, I am making an effort (not just a careless gesture) to support this site. But, dude, it's getting harder to support when the flakiness increases each week.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree! Unannounced no post days are lame and dont do anything to persuade me to continue reading. Every other blog I remain loyal to posts daily... if not multiple times a day. Esp when all they do is gripe their blog doesnt make any money...

"Mike" said...

Last Anon hit the nail on the head. It's just so funny how all these two do anymore is bitch about how they're broke, and how it's so hard to make money off their HUGELY popular blog. Meg just constantly shoots herself in the foot. Sure, she's away for the week, but why not write out a few extra posts ahead of time? Or let her co-blogger write more while she's away. Although, I'm not quite sure he's up to the task.

The bottom line is that no matter how funny you may be at times, when two people can't even crank out twenty combined posts in a month anymore, don't expect to earn a living off of writing a blog.

"Mike" said...

And just to clarify, I'm not complaining. I honestly don't care. I'm just pointing out the obvious fact that so many of you sheep miss.

Sheila said...

Whoa. This got intense rull fast. Some people should take a chill pill instead of just BEING pills. Haha?

Wombat Central said...

You also had me at queef.

Anonymous said...

Meg we miss you; I hope everything is ok!

Anonymous said...

I love gay sports bars. Love Love Love Love. They are my favorite kind of bar.

Anonymous said...

did you guys quit blogging?

Anonymous said...

Well I'm sad :(

Anonymous said...

I think it needs to be said... 2Birds1Blog has, is, and always will be the most entertaining blog on the Internet.

Before things get RULL hairy up in this comments section, can we all just take a moment to reflect on everything 2B1B has done for us? How about the time Meg sent countless 2B1B stickers to a trillion people and included HANDWRITTEN notes in each one? Would anyone else do that for free, and pay for postage herself? I probably wouldn't. Actually, shit no, I wouldn't.

I STILL laugh uncontrollably when I read "An Annotated Anthology of Awkward." Haters have lost sight of the true essence of this blog and they don't realize that Meg and Tulane Chris have real lives.

Anybody who has shit to say about 2B1B shouldn't have even wasted time leaving a comment.

With LOVE to Meg and Tulane Chris (and other co-blogger Chris!),

A Faithful Reader

P.S. I think Tulane Chris is funny.

rebecca said...

People really need to chill. If you're irritated enough to post a irate comment to a blogger for not posting, maybe it's time to move on to another blog. It's a blog, not life or death. It's so easy to write nasty things anonymously, isnt it.

I hope everything is ok. And I also think Tulane Chris is hilarious...

Anonymous said...

I love the blog & agree with the majority of you- it's free. They can post whenever they want. They can not post whenever they want.

I do think that what some of the less...extreme... minority was trying to point out is that if you want to make money from something like a blog there needs to be consistency with the posts- or at least timely updates that there won't be a post.

Stuff comes up- I get that. So I'm going to quote the most influential Jersey Shore advice of all time and advise you guys to do you. I will read and be grateful every time you post, because you're both funnier than anything, ever.

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