My Jew Year’s Resolutions for 5771:

Stop writing posts that are lists of disconnected paragraphs: They’re fun to write because there’s no real need to be sober, but the only constructive criticism I’ve gotten from the increasingly invective-laden comments is that I do this too much. Also, “push yourself to grow as a writer, set new challenges,” etc. So. Real, actual, coherent posts, after this one obviously.

Use my Waterpik every day: I bought a Waterpik because the dentist told me it was “better than flossing.” It’s wonderful. If you don’t know, it’s a little reservoir attached to a nozzle and hose that shoots a little jet of water at your gums to whisk away food particles and “provide all-important stimulating gum massage.” I think it’s bullshit that gum massage is “important,” but it feels good and alleviates my guilt about seldom flossing. I’m not really expert with the pik yet, though, so I tend to get water everywhere. It’s a small price to pay for gum massage, though.

Get an SNES emulator and finally beat Super Castlevania IV: I’ve been trying to beat this game, in fits and starts, since 1993. As a child I would graaaaadually do better, graaaaadually get further, and then as an adult in college I got an emulator, discovered save states, and like 90% beat it. I could never get past the third-to-last monster, which is a pterodactyl skeleton encased in some sort of impenetrable armor.

Get a master’s degree: This is kind of cheating because I’m already over halfway through getting one.

Win Evie’s love: Did Meg tell you that when I spent a weekend in the McBlogger house in June, Evie hid from me until Meg got home, and then when I wanted to go get food Evie forcibly cuddled Meg for an hour as I quietly starved?

Have sex with Kevin Yang: That counts as a 2Birds1Blog investigates, right?

Fake my death, maybe: When I left Austin, I deliberately broke ties with some “friends” who’d treated me badly. (This, more than anything, is why I don’t have a facebook account: if I want to disappear, I can.) I’ve been thinking about somehow falsely reporting my death to these people (I’m not sure how), mostly to see if they try to send flowers. I told Meg this and she said it was one of the most fucked-up things she’d ever heard, which I thought was kind of extreme – fucked up, yes, but one of the most fucked-up things she’s ever heard? With Italics? More fucked up than fucking machines and The Tinge? I can always claim the reports of my death were a prank played by someone else, but a fucking machine is undeniable.

And of course stop smoking, lose weight, find inner peace, and all that Oprah bullshit.


Denise said...

I hope that bacon doesn't interfere with any of these because the fact that you eat more bacon than I do is the only thing that makes me sleep at night (aside from food comas and such).

Anonymous said...

"The Tinge" definitely needs a hyperlink for all who missed it - that shit was brilliant, and by brilliant i mean most fucked up

Norman said...

You're hilarious and have awesome posts, but after mentioning castlevania, I now unequivocally love you...not in a creepy way

Anonymous said...

When I was a kid, my older brother and his friend would draw porn stars as Castlevania characters.. I.E, Ron Jeremy Belmont with a giant penis whip as a weapon. Then I was slightly disturbed but now that I think back on it, they were pretty.... awesome?

maria said...

god I love you, Tulane Chris. yes, I'm female, and I know that you're a homo, but don't worry, I mean that in a very sexual way.

Meredith said...

I kind of like the rambling posts, but some of my favorite posts have always been the "Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out..." so maybe that's just me.

Anonymous said...

i like the piecemeal posts. they're among my favorites. you can't make everybody happy; do yo thang

Anonymous said...

Je t'aime, TC.

I'm all for the 2b1b Investigates feature but what ever happened to Drinking Game Fridays? 5771: Year of the Enablers.

Jennifer said...

i like your rambles. they are actually better than when you are sober and make it all flow. that almost seems... unnatural.

Lex said...


Almost as much as I love writing in all caps.

the great dane said...

so glad you made a jewish new year resolution list... it's just one more (well, in your case, several) promise to yourself that you know you're going to break anyways. talk about jewish guilt! in that case, l'shana tova and stay golden pony boy ;)

G said...

I love the lists - keep "Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out...." alive and well in 5771

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