9.23.2010

My Rosh Hashanah Rant

Three things:

1.)
I've been procrastinating writing this blog entry by watching military documentaries for the past four hours (don't ask) (don't tell) (HAHA!) (but not really, that's a sad policy) (but god I'm clever) and OOF. If I decide to join the Marines, it's your responsibility to remind me that I find socializing in humid weather taxing and recently quit a Jillian Michaels On Demand home workout after three minutes to order Greek and watch shit on Hulu. Thank you.

2.) I hate doing this, but I need you to do me a favor and vote for us for Express Night Out's Best Blog. To do so, just click here, scroll down almost to the very bottom, click 2birds1blog for "best blog (non food)" and hit vote. Done. Then perhaps ask a friend to do the same. Promise them sexual favors and delicious spiced meats for doing so. Then when they're done voting and want to cash-in on your promises, simply say "PSYCH!", pat them on the back once and walk away. What will I give you for doing this? Sexual favors and delicious spiced meats. PSYCH! And now I'm walking away. See how easy that was?

Actually, we'll do a giveaway next week, but I need you to tell me what you want first. 2b1b shit? Jäger shit? Some random shit I find laying around my apartment? A comical picture of me from middle school? I'm open, so vote, come back, leave a comment telling me what you'd like and we'll do it next week. (Another reason I probably shouldn't join the Marines: I'm too lazy to think of my own blog giveaways.) Oh, and since I know there's nothing the 2b1b Army loves more than helping me only to fuck someone else over (bless your hearts), we're up against our blog nemesis, The Prince of Petworth. BOOM. Revenge and a giveaway; what more could you want? XOXOXOXO.

3.) I got an email earlier tonight from a reader asking if I was ever going to write about my issue with Rosh Hashanah. And YEP. Sure will. Right now. That's all it takes; one single person asking for it. Because I will rant about Rosh Hashanah to literally anyone who will listen. And frankly, actually listening is a non-issue. Sometimes I line up my Larry Hagman action figures and walk around my apartment just bitching and moaning and making points with animated hand gestures. And now, despite it actually not being that funny or interesting, you fine people will get that pleasure too. So, here we go.

Diane McBlogger: God I love that woman. My mom is one of my all-time favorite people and I love her very dearly. HOWEVER, she is the reason why Rosh Hashanah season gets my modest, ankle-length skirt in a twist.

As I've discussed, we McBloggers are an interfaith family. My mom is Jewish, my dad is Catholic and my sister and I lost interest at the beginning of this sentence. My entire life, our family has only celebrated four religious holidays: Easter, Passover, Hanukkah and Christmas. That's it. That's the ballgame. And I use the term "celebrate" loosely because I really mean we get drunk, watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and eat a brisket.

Now, my mom's interest in Judaism comes and goes. And you know what? That's fine. Mozel tov to you and yours. If one day you feel like being a Super Jew and the next you want to host a pig roast with Jesus and Rush Limbaughgood for you. I pray to Kelly Cutrone, who am I to judge? What I don't appreciate, however, is when her feigning interest in religion affects my life and my schedule. Because if you're going to make the conscious decision to raise your kids all, "Ohhhh, here's a pupu platter of religions! Take want you want and leave what you don't! There is no right and wrong! Come as you are and leave as you were; we're not trying to change you, just educate you," and all that hippie bruhaha, I think it's hypocritical to force me to participate years later just because all of a sudden it's important to you. And yet that's exactly what happened in September of 2006.

I was a Senior in college in September of '06 and much to my chagrin, I was forced to take web design. If you couldn't already tell from how primitive this blog is despite my background in graphic design, I loathe web design. I think it's boring, confusing, and involves wayyyy too much thinking for my liking. Which is exactly why I chose to be a print design major. But our department head, in all of his infinite wisdom and glory, decided to make my graduating print design class take web design so we would be more "marketable" after graduation. Asshole.

Web Design was basically a semester long project where we had to design two versions of a website for a local band; one using HTML, JavaScript, CSS blah blah technical blah and one using Flash. (SPOILER! I didn't do it. My friend Stephanie did mine for me and I say a little prayer for her and her health every night because Christ knows I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. The extent of my coding knowledge is mostly Live Journal based and is limited to bold, italics, underlines, strike outs and my pièce de résistance:

SCROLLING MARQUEES!!!!1

Pretty much all of us outsourced our websites, which looking back made sense at the time, but now that I'm paying off my student loans in one-liners and handjobs, I kind of want to set myself on fire.)

Flash forward to a phone call I got from my mom the first week of September:

D: Meg, I need you to come home for Rosh Hashanah dinner next Tuesday night.

M: Rosh-a-what-now?

D: Rosh Hashanah.

M: Oh. No offense, but...why?

D: Because Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and it's important that you're here for it.

Let's time out right there: no it's not. I mean, yes, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, but it really didn't matter if I was home for it or not. The Jews managed to survive 5,771 Rosh Hashanahs with out me up until that point, I'm sure one more wouldn't have brought on any plagues or frog showers. That being said, who was I to turn down free brisket and facetime with Evie? So, I agreed to go.

Unfortunately, part of my web design project was to create a photo gallery of our band with original photography from live shows. And when was my band's next show before our photo galleries were due? You guessed it: Rosh Hashanah. I figured my mom would be cool about it though because, you know, we had been to Disney Land more times than we'd even discussed Rosh Hashanah and school comes first, right? Wrong.

[Ring, ring!] D: Hello?

M: Hey, it's Meg.

D: Hi honey, what's up?

M: Listen, I've got some bad newsI can't come home for Rosh Hashanah dinner anymore. The photo gallery for my band's website is due soon and I need to go to their show at the Black Cat that night to take pictures. Sorry!

D: Well, I'm sorry too. Because you have to come home for dinner.

M: What? Wait, seriously?

D: Yes. Seriously.

M: But, why?

D: Because it's Rosh Hashanah.

M: So?? I don't even know what that is! This is like you telling me I have to come home for Fluggityfark.

D: Meghan, you know what Rosh Hashanah is. We celebrate it every year.

M: WHAT?! We have never celebrated Rosh Hashanah in my entire 22 years of my being on this Earth. EVER.

D: Meghan, we always celebrate Rosh Hashanah. You're just not remembering and I'm not having this conversation with you anymore. It's important to me that you be there and that's final.

Now, time the fuck out right there. This still boggles my mind. We had seriously never celebrated Rosh Hashanah before and I can't believe she told me otherwise to try to get me to come. Because had my mom just been like, "Hey-o feelin' kind of Jewy, it's important to me that you come home so we can celebrate Rosh Hashanah as a family," that would have been one thing. But to try to implant these false memories in my mind of Rosh Hashanahs past to guilt me into coming is just so manipulative and ultimately, well, Jewish.

And then the truth came out:

M: This is absurd. We have never celebrated Rosh Hashanah before and I can't go because I have something to do for school. They're not going to have another show until after my gallery is due and if I don't get those pictures, I'm going to be totally fucked.

D: Well, I'm sorry, but I already told your sister she didn't have to go because she got tickets to see Mos Def that night and at least one of you has to be there.

...Allow me repeat that: I had to go because Rebecca was going to a MOS. DEF. CONCERT. My already shitty project in the class that I was struggling the most in was now in serious jeopardy because Rebecca felt it necessary to go to a fucking MOS. DEF. CONCERT. I'm aware that older siblings sometimes get preferential treatment, but at that point I was 22 and she was 27; we were grown-ass adults. To let her go to a god damn Mos Def concert and not let me do something for school was just lunacy and borderline reckless. Plus, who gave a shit if neither of us were there?? Who was going to judge?? The only people at that dinner were my parents, my aunt, the cat and a bottle of red. Which part of that cast would have been like, "Ohhhh, the McBlogger girls didn't show up for Rosh Hashanah dinner. What values, these kids!" (Evie, obviously, but still.)

I brought this up to Becca when she was over for dinner the other week and her only response was, "Oh. Hah. Yeah. That was a good show," then went right back to chopping something.

WHAT?!!?!?!? For all the trouble it caused me, that had better have been the best god damn show she's seen in her entire life. Mos Def himself should have showered her in Cristal and performed a one-man rendition of his guest episode of "House" in Latin before sexing up her and everyone else in the audience. "That was a good show." Christ.

In the end, I obviously went to dinner, I'm sure it was delicious, my website sucked, I got a C in the class, and according to Mos Def's Twitter, he just saw Salt and has to say that that ending was the worst he's seen yet, which is saying something because he watched The Last Airbender. SO, GOOD. We're all comedians and we're all winners.

And you know what the most infuriating part of this entire situation is? OUR FAMILY NEVER CELEBRATED ROSH HASHANAH AGAIN!!!1 After all of that! I didn't even know it was Rosh Hashanah season until Chris proposed we do a post about our Rosh Hashanah New Year's resolutions the other week and I freaked out. I was like, "WAIT, IS IT ROSH HASHANAH?" "...Yes." "AND MY MOM ISN'T HAVING A DINNER?!" "Uh...I guess not?" [Drops phone, falls to knees, raises fists in the air] "GOD DAMN YOU, MOS DEF!!!!!!"

So, I've decided that from now on, I am forcing my family to observe Rosh Hashanah, whether we're feeling Jewish that year or not. Just based on principle. Because if it was magically important that year (when I was BUSY) (with something ACADEMIC), it should be important EVERY year. Diane McBlogger should personally provide me with a free hot meal, at her residence, transportation fees covered and Rebecca's presence mandatory. And at said dinner, we will listen to local DC band Deleted Scenes' EP on repeat, pass around my grades from that ill-fated semester and each family member must look me dead in the eye, apologize, give me three complimentsin alphabetical orderand at least two of them have to be based on my physical appearance and have nothing to do with my personality or "wonderful" sense of humor.

Happy fucking New Year.

86 comments:

Lisa said...

'Sometimes I line up my Larry Hagman action figures and walk around my apartment just bitching and moaning and making points with animated hand gestures'


How can anyone not love this blog ??!!

p.s. voted (once-not allowed more than one vote each?), does next week's comp include us overseas readers ? and is store merchandise able to be sent overseas yet ? Would love a tote bag !

Kelly said...

Oh, DIANE.

I voted twice. But not because I want to cheat the system, but because when I voted the first time, I x'd out of the page real fast and was worried I missed a tally of who was winning. I had to see. (FYI, all it says is "thanks for voting, go back to the voting page"...whatevs.) I would love me a tote. Or just about anything you can offer. Random shit from your apartment would be fun.

creativintage said...

i just voted. god y'all have a lot of food options in dc but i still had to write in cafe divan. also i want to meet those bartenders.

at trivia last night they had a dead or alive questions and i was crossing my fingers up and down the person was larry hagman. sadly it was chuck taylor. tote that! FIN!

Anonymous said...

If you win, you should take a reader as your date to the party. If there is a party, that is. ;)

P. Walter Thomas III said...

Middle school photo, no pedo.

Curry said...

happy new year. hysterical post.

Anonymous said...

totally voted when you tweeted it - i vote for another jager-ball. that way we all win!

Stephanie said...

I'm totally ignoring the voting thing and the telling you what I want from you thing because this comment is dedicated to "ROFLOLMAO!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1!" *wipes tears of laughter from eyes* I love it when you rant about the past.

Are you any good in front of dark crowds under a spotlight with only a mic stand for company? Because I think you should do stand up. Chelsea Handler references her Jewish heritage all the time and has never once been as funny as you about it. Just saying.

Alison said...

My family always forgets about Rosh Hashanah until maaaybe the night before and then it's like 'oh shit! everyone cancel your plans!' That pretty much sums up our religious style right there..

raquel said...

I would totes love a tote bag.

Meredith said...

Voted, bc obv. I think you should give away mani/pedi gift cards because the only people who read this are women and effeminate gay men... god, I hate ignorant commenters. Sorry. But seriously, a tote would be cool or Jager (not bothering with the umlat, sorry) stuff. Whatever YOU want, Meg McBlogger.

Also, am I the only one who wants to watch Diane read this particular entry?

rachel said...

Done, voted. A tote would be great *but* I was in your place of business recently and saw some lovely 2011 calendars that are overpriced but obvi I would rather buy one than eat - could I buy one with your employee discount? i know - that could be tricky. so i guess what im saying is, tote.

Sarah said...

Middle school memorabilia please!

(re)becca said...

Sometimes I feel like the process of giving birth causes the part of the brain that has to do with memory to like, decay or mold or something.

When I was 13, my family (mom + two younger siblings - and trust me, oldest kids DON'T get favored, my parents were 10x more paranoid and strict about me than they were/are with my brother and sister) moved to a new house. In addition to the master bedroom, there was one small bedroom, one medium bedroom, and one slightly-larger-than-medium bedroom that had this little hideyhole of a storage space in it. You had to duck to get in the door, but it was tall enough for my 5 foot nothing self to stand up straight inside. No windows; it was like Anne Frank's annex. And because the Holocaust is so great and all, I thought it was the most AWESOME SPACE EVER. I was so excited to have my own little secret space where I could go and hide and like, imagine what it would be like to be Anne Frank, or how it would feel to finally kiss a boy, either one. I was the oldest, so I got first dibs on picking rooms! That's how all my friends' families did it, anyway!

NOT MY FAMILY. My mom decided my brother got the awesome room, because he was ~the middle child~ and ~never got anything~ (total bullshit by the way, but that's another story). I PITCHED A FUCKING FIT, but my mom refused to budge. Greatest injustice of my young life. I was FURIOUS.

Fast forward to a few months ago, when my mom out of nowhere asks me, "You know, I was just thinking about something. Why did I give that big room to your brother when we moved here, and not you?"

My inner 13-year-old COULD HAVE KILLED HER.

Sorry for the novel of a rant. Possibly I have some neglect complexes, about this issue ...

(re)becca said...

GOD THAT COMMENT WAS LONG SORRY, I feel really self-centered for reading this entry and taking it as an invitation to share with other unwitting commenters what "unjust" meant to my 13-year-old self!

I also voted, and would gladly accept either merch, jager paraphernalia, whatever ... I guess as the saying sort of goes, birds (hahahahaaa) of an indecisive/lazy feather flock together.

Lucky and Gizzy said...

This made my day and I haven't even had breakfast yet.

And thanks!

-L

Sam said...

I voted and in the words of Andy Cohen, Patron Saint of Bravo, you are the Mazel Of The Week, MAZEL Meg McBlogger!

BTR said...

A night out with 2birds1blog. Did I just think of a great blog prize? Yes. Yes I did.

Lydia said...

"My mom is Jewish, my dad is Catholic and my sister and I lost interest at the beginning of this sentence."

"Mos Def himself should have showered her in Cristal and performed a one-man rendition of his guest episode of "House" in Latin before sexing up her and everyone else in the audience." - I think he should offer this service to America - you know people would pay good money for that shit.

Meg, I love you and this blog, thank you so so much for continuing to write it.

Courtney said...

I voted for your blog, just thought I'd throw that out there. And I live in Indiana. So the fact that I'm voting for a blog in D.C. speaks volumes about how awesome it is and how dedicated I am to celebrating that awesomeness.

I have a journalism degree and had to make a website for a graphic design class. Thank heavens it didn't have to incorporate Flash or anything unholy like that. It was just basic HTML and CSS which I didn't know at the time and still don't. My site was about famous photographers because for a hot minute I thought I wanted to be a photo journalist stationed in Africa shooting provoking photo essays of poverty and AIDS. My homepage was a giant pin wheel of photographers faces ... a PIN WHEEL.

You can guess what grade I got.

And now I work in advertising ...

Liz said...

I voted. But, I want a Date Auction as my Thank You Gift.

Imagine it!: You, Tulane Chris, Ex-Co-Blogger Chris, Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, Helena, College Roommate Danielle Becca, Evie, Your Parents, Tulane's Parents Etc. all on stage at a Jager Ball.

I guaran-fucking-tee that people will pay to hang out with you guys. PLUS then you will have dollar dollar bills yall, and will no longer have to stress about the illegality of watching all your shows online because you can afford cable again.
WIN. WIN. WIN.

toppe said...

hahahaha! how about winner gets to go with you on a hilarious roadtrip to visit me in charleston?

Anonymous said...

LOVED this post! You know, I have a horrible day a head of me, with an impending doctor's appointment of doom this afternoon and I didn't think anything could make me laugh this morning. Thanks Meg :)

Anonymous said...

"[Drops phone, falls to knees, raises fists in the air] 'GOD DAMN YOU, MOS DEF!!!!!!' "

Hahahahaha...this is one my favorite posts.

I cast my vote for the blog so that Prince of Petworth can tell us all if it gets cold living in 2birds1blog's shadow.

-Tina

Jennifer said...

Ok I voted and wrote in the comment section, which when we win I hope they quote because it pretty much discusses inappropriateness and diarrhea, and that is what makes THIS girl smile. Soooo...theres that.
Vote for give away-dispenser for my night stand.
Love 2b1b!

Anonymous said...

How about you get more of those killer totes printed and we can buy them?

William said...

Good stuff Meg. I could listen to you rant about anything.

Sidenote:

Meredith - "the only people who read this are women and effeminate gay men"

Yup I am neither of those and enjoy the shit out of reading this blog.

Talia said...

VOTED!

SHANA TOVA!! and I would like you to cook me a Brisket & since i saw you in the flesh in middle school, i would like something better, a picture from elementary school, or the pepper you stole.

Meredith said...

William, I do appreciate that you read my comment, but I was being sarcastic, as indicated by the "god, I hate ignorant commenters," which came immediately after. I do (sincerely and not sarcastically) acknowledge that sarcasm is sometimes lost in writing. So, to clarify, I am well aware that others read this blog and enjoy it. I apparently failed at making that clear. Lo siento, friend, and no hard feelings, k?

Sorry to hijack the comments board with my response, folks! :)

Meg>PizzaBoli said...

I voted, and I want a picture from Middle School. With board shorts. Gad, I love this blog.

Blake said...

Voted. And, I didn't know they actually gave out Cs at AU?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yeah, well. Only to us North Side weirdos.

Anonymous said...

you know what might be better than watching diane read the blog post is if she had the occasional blog guest spot. im sure she has all kinda of great anecdotes about little meglet!

Rachel said...

Loved the post. And I voted! A tote bag would be awesome, although I really like the idea of a middle school picture.

Blake said...

That's probably right! Only kidding, Meg. I got a C once too -- first semester of intermediate German. In my defense, it was her first time teaching and the student reviews of her were so bad she was invited by AU not to come back.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Well in my defense, I did poor quality work and had someone finish my project for me because I didn't care for the class. Clearly, we're both victims of that damn AU bureaucracy.

Heather said...

Oh Meg you make my mornings worth getting up for! Thanks for that!!! Any whozziles, I voted for the best blog eva, and free blog shiz would nice.

Steph said...

Dude, that class was ridiculous. How bitter were we when we found out all the previous classes just had to create a flash slideshow and not a WHOLE FRIGGIN WEBSITE! Also, I still remember the screams of joy when we got the hat to move up, off the head, it was a short lived but beautiful moment.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHAHA, please don't talk about that stupid fucking hat ever again. I'm having flashbacks.

That class was pure shenanigans. And you saved my ass. I will never forget you for that, madam. NEVER.

Kelley said...

I voted and I would LOVE a special edition tote bag. On the front: "Sorr about the bag" and on the back, a picture of awkward middle school Meg.

Elizabeth said...

Hilarious! I voted and I also think you should do more totes. But I want a tote with Evie's picture on it.... or a tote with a picture of you from middle school on it.

yeahdudetotally said...

i loved this post and i am not even Jewish!

Emz321 said...

I loved this post. Totally made my day, and of course I voted! I would like anything you'd like to give me if I were to win this awesome contest.

Anonymous said...

jeeze that was a lot of scrolling...worth it..id like a middle school pic for the giveaway!

c-reader said...

This is probably one of my all-time favorite posts!

i like the idea of a middle school pic tote or a night out with 2b1b

Caitlin said...

L'Shana Tovah! This made my entire year.

Caitlin said...

And I vote for random stuff from your apartment, or a date auction!

LK said...

Can you clone yourself and make other funny blogs because it's 3:12 and I blew my 2b1b load and now I have nothing left to read.

I vote 2b1b tote!

Linz

Anonymous said...

ok SO tonight i made a dinner out of condiments.

...

gummy fangs sound about gourmet to me right now.

Anonymous said...

Meg, did you see this? This is not helping her case.

http://gawker.com/5646346/meghan-mccain-blows-off-book-tour-to-party-in-vegas

Mingosthename said...

Big ups to the North Siiiiiideee Meg! Love the post! I love the date idea as well! I would come from NY If I won Meg, well really I'd come from anywhere! Going to vote after this post!

Anonymous said...

I second the taking 1 lucky reader to Rosh Hashana dinner idea. (You can, idk, have Chris size the finalists up for Crazy beforehand.) LOVE THE BLOG!

Sarah said...

Voted!! Meg you are pure awesome!

I'd like the opportunity to purchase more totes. Or something that you don't have to pay for and can be shipped.

Keep the amazing coming!

Anonymous said...

i know this is totally creepy, but what do you look like?

Laura Beth said...

Voted!
:)

I think anything 2b1b or Jager would be awesome.

MARJORIE said...

voted!!
p.s. your mom is awesome and one of the funniest people i know,

lauren. said...

done and done.

Anonymous said...

I was doing my daily crossword and one of the clues was '"Dallas" star'. Guess what the answer was!

Cath said...

voted.

prize?

date auction (kudos liz)

or romantic rosh-a-what-now dinner with meg. and by dinner i mean heavy drinking...

Rachel said...

I love that Meg and I have parallel religious lives - Dad's Jewish, Mom's Catholic, and neither of them gave a shit enough to teach us more than the easter bunny comes on easter, santa comes on christmas and you light candles and say some shit on hannukah when Dad's feeling in a Jewy mood. We also eat matzo brei on Christmas morning...?

Shannon C said...

I voted! You guys always have my vote.
Giveaway: Clarissa Explains it All on DVD (the entire series). Yes and please and a-thank-you.

Anonymous said...

I actually cannot wait for your Jersey Shore recap tonight.

Anonymous said...

I actually cannot wait for your Jersey Shore recap tonight.

alyson said...

I voted, especially cause I hate that guy over at The Prince of Petworth. But mostly because you guys are awesome and hilarious. I would love a shirt if I won.

Erin said...

voted!! youre so going to own POP.

i like the dinner idea!

emelye said...

voted! and anon, i could just kiss you for your fabulous suggestion to invite diane mcblogger to make a guest post.

Anonymous said...

You could make your giveaway prize a chance for a reader to be able to participate in a "2b1b Investigates...." It's cost effective (free to you), you would have full control as to how to pick your winner (screening comments to see who is probably cool), and even if the winner turns out to be a little odd (i.e. you and chris return from the kitchen to find said winner cuddling with/singing to Evie), you and chris could get a lifetime of personal jokes/stories out of it. Whenever I go on a blind date, even if it turns out bad, I go into it thinking "I'm at least in it for the story." Don't you just love this idea? :)

kai said...

i would love a tote bag--just voted. and will be writing "happy effing new year" on my periodically jewish boyfriend's rosh hashanah card next year.

Colin said...

Honestly, i just saw that there were 68 comments and i wanted to make it 69, since if figured it'd get a laugh outta you.

Happy Fucking New Year to you.

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