11.03.2009

10 Reasons Why Jägermeister Should Sponsor My Life

I'd like to start off this post by offering a heartfelt apology to everyone who follows me on Twitter. Again. Apparently this is the new theme of the blog. Apologizing to my Twitter followers. Which is quite possibly the worst advertisement for following me on Twitter ever AND/OR the best, because who doesn't love a good heartfelt apology?? (@2birds2blog!) Either way, somebody recently hacked into my Twitter account and is sending DMs to everyone about how I made a babillion dollars online with GoogleAds. Which is completely irritating on a multiple levels. First and foremost, it's irritating for you, and when you're irritated, I'm irritated. (And when Boss #1 is unprepared, I'm unprepared.) Secondly, that DM couldn't be further from the truth if it tried. Because I have made exactly ZERO point ZERO dollars using GoogleAds. In fact, I've made exactly ZERO point ZERO dollars on the Internet period, which has always been a point of pride for me. You see, I have a lot of integrity when it comes to my boner jokes and Meghan McCain rants. I won't whore my ad space out to just anybody via GoogleAds, a-thank-you-very-much. It has to be someone who makes sense for the blog and relates to both me and you. Because I respect you so much. ...........Just kidding. It's a lot more Jewish than that. I just want direct sponsorship so I can cut out the middleman and not have to split my profits with Google. (Although I do respect you sons-of-bitches and don't ever forget it.)

That's right, I'm not above selling out. You know why? Because my dinner last night was a pack of gummy vampire fangs and a box of wasabi cashews I found in the nook between my microwave and the wall. That's why. Because I don't have health insurance and I've needed my wisdom teeth out since 2002. That's why. Because a major part of my laptop is being held together with duct tape and broken dreams. That's why. I'm not selling out to afford hookers and a coke binge, I kind of just want to pay some bills and eat a meal that doesn't come from the novelty candy food group. I feel like if I can make that happen, it would just be the healthy decision.

But who to sell out to...? Well, I have a new life goal/scheme/dream that I've been holding out on talking about for some time and it directly relates to who I want to sell out to. It didn't quite make sense to talk about before, but I feel like this is the perfect time to introduce my new life plan. So here we go: I, Meghan C. McBlogger, want my life to be sponsored by Jägermeister.


That's right. Jägermeister. Why Jägermeister? That's such an overwhelming question, I don't even know where to start. I love Jägermeister quite possibly more than I'll ever love another human being and I am in no way scared of how strong a statement that is. Here is a list of 10 solid reasons why Jägermeister should sponsor my life:

1.) Jägermeister is the only shot I'll take. True story. I've destroyed myself on every other liquor known to man and have 'Nam-like flashbacks if I throw back anything other than Jäger. Vodka? God no. Tequila? That relationship ended at the hands of Co-Blogger Chris and Se
ñor Cuervo. Whiskey? That story involves high school, a basement and a desperate need to look cool. Gin? Repeat last story but replace the basement with a deck. It's got to be Jäger or I'm out.

2.) I can rip shots of Jäger 'til the cows come home. The reason I can still take shots of Jäger isn't because I've never gotten sick off it (because merciful Christ, I have) it's because my body will never, ever tire of being filled with cold, delicious Jägemeister. It's like an abusive boyfriend—I will always come back to it no matter how hard it fucks me up. Let me tell you a little story: one night while backpacking through Germany, I discovered that our hostel had a bar and that that bar served 50-cent Jäger shots. Although we had literally just come back from drinking our own weight in beer at the Hofbräuhaus, I unstrapped my money belt, slammed it on the bar and said, "That much in Jäger, bitte." Later that night I made the comical decision to write in my travel log. I wish it was here so I could take a picture of it, because it was just squiggles and chicken-scratch. I believe the only words you can make out are, "fuck," "gay" and "never drinking again." Normally after a night of that kind of punishment, I could never go back to whatever it was I was drinking. But not Jäger. Now I rip a shot of Jäger and think, "Mmm...Germany."

3.) Best. Logo. Ever.

And I'm a graphic designer. I know these things. It's my professional opinion that Jägermeister has the best logo ever and I would be honored to have it adorn my body. Which brings us to #4:

4.) I live to promote Jäger. How many times have I proposed Jäger shots while out? Every time. What am I blogging about right now? Jäger. What was I not three days ago for Halloween? The Jäger Deer. (See headpiece below:)

And these are all things I do for free! Imagine what I'd be capable of if Jäger was paying me to promote them. In fact, I swear to all that is good and holy, if Jägermeister agrees to sponsor my life, I will get a tattoo of the Jägermeister logo on my right ass-cheek with "SPONSORED BY" above and "SERVE COLD - KEEP ON ICE" below. And I will videotape the process and post it on this blog. I am deathly serious. My ass gets more play than you'd think. That's some valuable advertising right there.

5.) Ohmygod, Jäger-chaps:


6.) I've got big hooters. And what looks better in tight Jägermeister apparel than a giant set of grade A+ hooters? Nothing. That's what. And if Jäger sponsors my life, I will wear Jägermeister apparel to all of my public appearances. And by public appearances, I obviously mean out and about in my daily life. And I go places! I'm around! Whereas Jägerettes stop wearing their Jäger garb after leaving the bar, I'll continue wearing it into my daily life. And how sweet a deal is that?? For example, the sweatbands I currently wear to the gym and hot yoga are of the Nike persuasion—what if they were Jäger sweatbands? See. One step above Jägerette, one step below psychopath.

7.) I'm an ex-bartender. I am more than familiar with mixing a good Jäger cocktail. A Dr. Jäger? 1.5 oz Dr. Pepper, 1.5 oz Jäger shake over ice and serve in a cocktail glass. Storm Trooper? Half-part Jäger to half-part peppermint schnapps served in a highball glass. Ideal temperature to serve Jägermeister? 4-degrees Fahrenheit. I could do this all day.

8.) I don't entirely suck. I just feel like that has to be worth something.

9.) Joy Behar has her own TV show and Obama is president. It's a new fucking day.

10.) Because like Jägermeister, I'm a fucking badass. You show me a girl dealing with her Quarterlife Crisis in a more badass way than anonymously blogging, excessively drinking and crying herself to sleep 4 out of 7 nights a week and I will show you a whore and a liar. You know who else Jägermeister sponsors? Metallica, Pantera, Slayer, Slipknot and Mötley Crüe. And what comes to mind when you think of bands like those? That's right: Meg McBlogger.

I was on the phone with my mom last night discussing my current financial woes and I honestly pitched this idea to her as a solution. "Now Meghan," she asked in her adorable Mom way of being ever-so-careful not to offend me and the fuck-up lifestyle I've consciously chosen, "Do you think this is a realistic option, or a not-so-realistic option?" Why wouldn't this be a realistic option? "Well, what's Jägermeister going to get out of it?" UM, HI. Not only the opportunity to be the official sponsor of 2birds1blog (and the ad space that comes with that,) but also the opportunity to be the official sponsor of Meg McBlogger, the person (and the hooter space that comes with that). I've got the "The Google Analytics." I know how many of you there are out there. And you could all be drinking Jäger right now! With me! At a bar! Enjoying free Jäger track jackets!!!1 WE ALL WIN!

So how stoked are guys on Jäger right now!?!!?!?! [........................meg@2birds1blog.com. WIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!]

237 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 237   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD, SO FUCKING STOKED ON JAGER!!!!! I didn't even know what Jager was until you wrote this and because you did, I just went out and bought 50 cases!!!! JAGER! JAGER! JAGER! 2BIRDS! 2BIRDS! 2BIRDS!

Love,
Someone Who Is Not Meg Posting Anonymously

Anonymous said...

So how do we make this happen? If our voting in the Bloggers Choice Awards are any indication of what a motivated group we are, the you're as good as gold.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Exactly! However, I have no god given clue how we make this happen. Thus if we just get this entry around the 'nets, I trust it will fall in the right hands.

TEAM WORK!

The Kuh said...

Welp, I retweeted your Twitter pimp of this blog. I have like, 15 followers, though, so I don't know how much good that will do. Again, it's the thought that counts, right?

Mass e-mail campaign to Jager? We could pull that off...

The D said...

I, too, have a computer held together by duct-tape. I wish I had a drink that could help me forget how crappy my computer is...

(mysterious hand distributes shots of delicious Jägermeister®)

Thanks mysterious hand! (thumbs up, smile to camera)


Jägermeister®: because remembering stuff is overrated. (sweet guitar riff)

The D said...

Actually, redact that comment so I don't look like I'm overthinking this...


But you could do two impressive things to start:
1. Put an umlaut over the O in 2birds1blög.
2. Start each post with "Deer Readers."

Product integration - booyah!

DarkHorse said...

Is it bad that my past experiences with Jager left me nauseous just from looking at the logo? Is it worse that I'm also like that about tequila and vodka and the only thing I can shoot nowadays is whiskey?

That costume is awesome though... I'm totally going to steal it, but I can't wait a WHOLE YEAR for Halloween. Instead, I'll just do it for Christmas so when I visit my mother she will think I'm mixing the celebration of secular Christmas and Christian Christmas into costume form... but in actuality, I'll just be celebrating the beverage that has undoubtedly made more women 'friendly' in the winter months than any other out there.

Even though I can't drink you because you tried to kill me, I still respect you Mr. Jager...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oooo!!!!! ALL. GÖOD. IDEAS!

And Kuh, I will take your 15 followers. For the 15th might be the ghost of Sydney Frank. (FINGERS CROSSED!)

Anonymous said...

No worries on the DM. I was pleasantly driving in my car, and even though I knew the DM was spam, it brightened my day for just a moment to think that I was getting a message from @2birds1blog.

On another note, Jager is always the best idea ever or the worst idea ever. I have a similar story from Germany. Let me just say that after much alcohol consumption one night, I met two college students from MN and a Swiss tourist at my hostel who bought us huge beers and endless shots of Jager. The next day on the bus tour of Berlin I was not the happiest camper. Yet when someone suggests shots, I will always give in and remember those good memories from a dimly lit hostel in Berlin in February.

So sponsorship seams like the best idea ever! Good luck.

-Sarah

James said...

Jager is the only liquor I can still drink straight from the bottle. And yes, I think that is something to be mildly proud about. I have a good handful of awful stories that started with me rejecting a sensible idea like sleep with "...but I have Jager!"

Jager is also an ingredient in one of my favorite shots - Liquid Cocaine, Jager, Rumpleminze, and Goldschlager. Then follow that with drinking Jager from the icy cold bottle. Awesome.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ohhhh liquid cocaine...we had an interesting night in Baltimore once upon a time...

Courtney said...

1. Have you proposed this to Jagermeister? They are pretty sponsor friendly.

I know because I worked as a promo girl for a year and yes, i do have a pair of those chaps, and no, you cannot have them.

2. Rumplemintz::Courtney as Jager::Meg

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Have you proposed this to Jagermeister? They are pretty sponsor friendly.
I have no idea how to get in touch with them. Jaiger@fuckmeup.com?

I know because I worked as a promo girl for a year and yes, i do have a pair of those chaps, and no, you cannot have them.
I had no idea I could harbor this much jealousy towards one person. And yet, here we are.

Grant said...

James - I always had liquid cocaine as Jager, Goldschlager, and Bacardi 151. It turns you into a zombie. But the awesome kind.

On another note, my dad makes me take shots of schnapps with him a lot, but never Jager. It's always Stonesdorfer or an Italian amaro called Ramazzotti. Those are both way more herbal-y than Jager. I suggest you try them. Or not. Usually I regret it after taking a shot or three of it with him.

Bridget said...

You need to make a scene (more so than you usually do when you leave the house) to make this dream a reality. Throw a 2b1b Jager party for bloggers to get the whole blogosphere talking about your passion for the meister. And then once it's over, there will be photos of you displaying your true love plastered everywhereeee on the interwebs. Not to mention all the people who will be talking about what a disgrace this group of 20-something bloggers is. I'd totally come. JAGER SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!

James said...

Grant, after googling the recipe out of nostalgia, I saw that too. Let's be honest, I think either recipe will make you a zombie. I'm gonna stick with my recipe that includes the Liquid Christmas, though. Bicardi 151 should come with bail money.

Sarah P said...

Because I'm literally sitting here, wrapped up in my sage-green Snuggie, drinking tea (chamomile) and reading blogs on my day off, even though there are child socks and books and Halloween-related toys all over the floor in front of me, I took the liberty of sending a link to your post and a message of support to Jagermeister. Go to http://www.jagermeister.com/, and click on "Contact" toward the bottom of the page. Should be self-explanatory from there. If not, you've had too much Jager or you're really stupid.
Also, I think a #2birds1blog4jager Twitter campaign might help.
(If they sponsor you because of me, can you send someone over to clean up my living room, thxbiiie.)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Throw a 2b1b Jager party for bloggers to get the whole blogosphere talking about your passion for the meister. And then once it's over, there will be photos of you displaying your true love plastered everywhereeee on the interwebs. Not to mention all the people who will be talking about what a disgrace this group of 20-something bloggers is. I'd totally come. JAGER SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!

DUDE. SO TOTES ALREADY IN THE WORKS.......I will get Jager to sponsor my life. Oh yes, I will. NO. We will...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

#2birds1blog4jager

TOTES TWEETED THAT.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow, can you please please please throw a 2birds1blog jagerparty??? I would completely come and it would most likely be the highlight of my month. (no shame of how sad that makes my life)

Also, b t dubs but as an avid Jager drinker, have you ever had a shot of half rumpelmintz half jager? I recently heard about this and I threw up in my mouth a bit, but if I have the 2birds approval I may have just found a new way to kill brain cells.

Studly said...

I <3 Jager... I even enjoyed a shot called the smokers cough (shot of Jager with warm mayonnaise). We should have a Jager party with all things Jager (Liquid Cocaine, sex with an alligator, starry night, Jager bombs, ect.). It would be a glorious night and not trying to one up anon, but could be the highlight of my life. Oh, BTW loved the Halloween costume!

James said...

Jager and Rumpleminze is a Dead Nazi!!! Before which you should exclaim "The only good nazi is..." and then everyone shouts the name of their dangerously delicious drink.

That's the starting point for some other bad stories of mine. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

While passing around a bottle of delicious jager with some college buddies, one of them took and exceptionally impressive pull, put down the bottle, wiped his mouth, looked up bleary eyed, and said, "Mmmmm, tastes like regret."

That about sums it up for me and jager, not that I wouldn't do it again....

Title Pending said...

I once swore off Jager...this post may have reformed me, I shall come back to the dark side once again..

Title Pending said...

Oh should have added this...I once won a free t-shirt by way of unscrewing a Magic Hat beer cap (I am a winner!)...But what I really wanted was 2 free t-shirts...So I got drunk on Magic Hat and wrote them a letter about the predicament I was in and how drunk I was on their beer at the time (there were lots of exclamation points if I remember correctly)...2 weeks later I got a letter and 2 free t-shirts in the mail...maybe Mr. Meister will be just as enamored by a letter...
..you should totes seal it with a wax-gob for mystery and authenticity

Erica said...

"You show me a girl dealing with her Quarterlife Crisis in a more badass way than anonymously blogging, excessively drinking and crying herself to sleep 4 out of 7 nights a week and I will show you a whore and a liar." omg Megs - love jaegar (no I don't)and love this quote (yes, i truly do). Reading you from Wisconsin!

Laura said...

Jager is the reason I don't remember turning 21. Jager has also been the cause of some truly embarrassing decisions I don't wish to publish on a blog (but after a couple shots of Jager I'm sure I'd tell you all about them). Just the smell of it sends chills down my spine. That being said, I will totally attend the Meg McBlogger Jager fest and order a very weak Dr. Jager in support of this endeavor. Do you hear that Jagermeister, Co.?! Jager has been the cause of some bad nights, worse mornings and truly awful decisions. But if Meg McBlogger wants me to drink it, then goddamnit you cocky ass deer, I'll drink it! Don't believe me good folks at Jager? Come to Meg's party and I will do a shot in front of you...

Anonymous said...

jagerbombs!

Anonymous said...

should have gone as jager bombs for halloween.

(drink bottle while topless)

Lydia said...

This post made me want to go out and do a shot immediately. You should have Jager on tap at your party, and take lots of pictures so that people will remember it (sort of) the next day. Brilliant!
And I did go to the Jager website and write an quick email about why they should sponsor you and your blog.
JAGER, JAGER, 2BIRDS, 2BIRDS!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

LYDIA! LYDIA! KICKS ASS! KICKS ASS!

LK said...

When you make the decision to have a Jager shot you know the night is going down a very special path.

Patrick said...

I can't believe I missed your post about the boob thing.

For real though, Jager and Whiskey are the only 2 things I'll willingly shoot. However, usually once one or the other steps foot in my mouth, the rest of the liver killers slip on in one way or another.

I gotta see that costume being worn though...I bet it was an attention getter, fo sho.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

You missed the post where I showed my hooters?! Oh Patrick...

Grant said...

"Bicardi 151 should come with bail money."

Truer words, never spoken.

Annemal said...

holy hell, that halloween costume is BOSS.

wells wesley said...

Think of yourself as a cyclist. How would you get sponsored? Video yourself riding a bike, no doubt. Same thing applies here. Send a video of yourself doing your Jager thang. Take a shot in bed. Take a shot playing Wii. Show them you are versatile. If all else fails, list that shit on ebay.

Anonymous said...

I think you OD'd on funny pills today

Rachel said...

the deer face makeup was the best part!!! hours were spent perfecting it and it looked adorable.

Anonymous said...

i got play last night from a drunk college fellow who showed up at my door with a jagermeister shirt on.. the only thing i could think of was you meg mcblogger. creepy or intriguing.. a bit of both i believe!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I love it. And if he was wearing a Jäger shirt, I approve of him already.

Kate Laufer said...

Hey Meg -

Thanks for the Jager post! I am the director of public relations for Jagermeister and love everything you had to say! Do me a favor and send me your mailing address to klaufer@sidneyfrank.com. I have something for you :)

Anonymous said...

Is the Kate Laufer above the same one I went to school with? Kate with the pigtails? OMG!!! I will email you directly Kate. So glad I found you here.

Casey said...

Hey I wore those exact same antlers for Halloween!!! But alas, I was just a regular deer. You win, Meg, you win.

Casey said...

Oh and I just had a brilliant idea, but I didn't read the comments yet so I don't know if someone already suggested it, but, here goes...

JAGERMEISTER and MEG MCBLOGGER present: DRUNKEN MONUMENT TOUR '10!!!!!!!!!!

poelondon said...

1) "Studly said... I even enjoyed a shot called the smokers cough (shot of Jager with warm mayonnaise)." -- Mkay, maybe the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of in my entire life (no to hyperbole!)

2) "klaufer@sidneyfrank.com. I have something for you :)" -- I smell restraining order! Or a tight t-shirt...with a restraining order silk screened on it.

I'll keep my Jager-soaked fingers and toes crossed for your success.

Danny said...

You mean somebody actually guessed that your password was LOLGLITT3RPWNY6969 and hacked your twatter? I think hackers are the only natural predators of bloggers though, so watch out!

Can we go to the Rock & Roll Hotel next week?

Also, pretty sure it's @fuckmeup.gov

Anonymous said...

Given the tight laws on sending liquor through the mail... the next best thing is an XS tank top and matching chaps....

maybe... just maybe you'll get your sweatband to wear to the gym!

Cheers!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Can we go to the Rock & Roll Hotel next week?

YES! But we also still need to see Where The Wild Things Are...decisions, decisions...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

PS: Kate is legit. So let's all be SUPER DUPER NICE TO HER, mmmk?!

Anonymous said...

Im drinking Jager tonight.

Anonymous said...

Im drinking Jager tonight.

Jules said...

My boyfriend's band is sponsored by Jager. If Kate falls through for some reason, I can totally score you a lanyard, t-shirt, hat, flashy Jager necklace or whatever else... I pass them out on a bi-weekendly (not a real word? it is now!) basis.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Ohmigodomigod you HAVE to tell us what Ms. Laufer is going to do! If Jager doesn't sponsor you after this, I don't know if I'll be able to go on with my life. I...might never be able to...drink Jager...again. And I account for like 50% of their net income. I'm in business school so I know these things.

Anonymous said...

this post has given me an intense desire to consume jager. but that would be irresponsible because it is 7am and i am a stay-at-home mother.

if i'm being 100% honest, i'd say i'm kinda jealz of poor, single folks. because being married and having kids is shitty too sometimes.

LIFE CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE, HAVE A GOOD DAY!

Katrina said...

I realize this is way after the fact, but you should totally buy this http://www.neatorama.com/2009/11/16/crochet-jgermeister-bottle/.

Anonymous said...

I congratulate, this brilliant idea is necessary just by the way

Anonymous said...

Jager is as good as it gets!!!!

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