11.23.2009

Karma, stereotypes and egg whites.

For someone who life routinely shits upon (I couldn't even pick a post to link as a reference there. Just go back to any given blog post ever and I'm sure you'll be caught up to speed.) I had a few lucky breaks last night. It started when I decided to do my laundry. Finally. Because it was either that or wear my white linen high school graduation dress to work today (...and Lord knows I'm not above that.) I would like the world to know that although I don't like doing laundry, I am an extremely responsible communal laundry room user. I set alarms and come back at the proper time, I always clean my lint trap and I don't drip detergent everywhere. Yesterday I bought a cozy throw blanket at Bed, Bath and Beyond and although all I wanted to do was crack that baby open and take her for a test drive, I decided to heed Bobby's (terrifying) warning and wash it before having a snuggle. (Lest I snuggle up to Indian garment worker jizz.) (Terrifying.) Being a large, cozy throw blanket, it didn't completely dry after the first go-around. Thus, I added an additional 15 minutes to the dryer, went back to my apartment and came down to retrieve it approximately 17 minutes later. Imagine my horror when I saw my brand new blanket sitting ON THE DIRTY LAUNDRY ROOM FLOOR. That's right, some asshat had removed my blanket from the dryer and crudely tossed it to the ground before putting their laundry into my dryer. "But Meg," I hear you say, "you were two minutes late to retrieve your laundry. Serves you right," Right? WRONG. There were blatantly other dryers available! This A-fuck just decided that he/she wanted my dryer and tossed my freshly cleaned, Indian-jizz-free blanket to the ground! I was livid. To even the score, I opened A-fuck's dryer to stop their time and threw in some lint for good measure. Immature? Yes. Deserved? YES.

Feeling satisfied, I went back up to my apartment and sat down to watch some Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team 4 on CMT but was completely distracted by how guilty I felt. Three minutes later, I couldn't stand it anymore and went back downstairs, picked out A-fuck's lint, closed the door and restarted the dryer. (Ugh. I'm a disgustingly good person. It's my cross to bear.) And then the most glorious thing happened: I found a ten-dollar bill under the dryer! Do you know how many $5 footlongs that will buy??? Two. So I snatched it up.

Just when I thought my night couldn't get any better, I noticed someone had abandoned a box of old books by the elevator. I browsed through them to see if there was anything good but they were mostly just old romance novels and a shit ton of dictionaries. But then, this little number caught my eye:

And don't mind if I do and don't mind if I do.

I went upstairs, curled up on the couch and opened to this question: "How about those Oriental cures—like powdered rhinoceros horn?" And I thanked god for what I had just received. I read on. And Ho. Ly. Shit. This book is the best thing to ever happen to me. Nothing will ever top it. Nothing will ever be this good or funny again. Ever. I might as well just kill myself because it's all downhill from here. I can honestly say that I spent the better part of last night curled up in a small ball, rocking back and forth, hysterically laughing to the point of tears while struggling to read passages to Co-Blogger Chris over the phone. My stomach muscles are killing me today.

I don't even really know what to say about this book. I think I just have to share it with you.
I'm sure I could bust out some Gender Studies 101 bullshit about how society and sex norms have changed and T.G.I.Kinsey and all that jazz, but I think I'm going to chalk it up to this: misinformationLOLZ!
Before I present you with my favorite questions and answers, please keep the following in mind:
1.) This is a real book
2.) It was a #1 Bestseller
3.) It was written by this guy:

4.) That man is a noted California psychiatrist
5.) Which means he has a medical degree
6.) It was written in 1969
7.) Again; medical doctor

We'll start with the section on Male Homosexuality because it's my favorite. Sorry lesbians, there isn't a section on Female Homosexuality. Apparently nobody has any questions about you. You scissor and listen to Sarah MCLachlan. Case closed.

What is male homosexuality?
Male homosexuality is a condition in which men have a driving emotional and sexual interest in other men. Because of the anatomical and physiological limitations involved, there are some formidable obstacles to overcome. Most homosexuals look upon this as a challenge and approach it with ingenuity and boundless energy. In the process they often transform themselves into part-time women. They don women's clothes, wear makeup, adopt feminine mannerisms, and occasionally even try to rearrange their bodies along feminine lines.

Couldn't homosexuals just be born that way?
A lot of homosexuals would like to think so. They prefer to consider their problem the equivalent of a club foot or birthmark; just something to struggle through life with. [I swear to God this is real. I only wish I was this funny.]

Can homosexuals change?
If a homosexual who wants to renounce homosexuality finds a psychiatrist who knows how to cure homosexuality, he has every chance of becoming a happy, well-adjusted, heterosexual. [SHOTGUN CO-BLOGGER CHRIS!!!!1]

What do homosexuals really do with each other?
An almost unbelievable variety of ingenious things. The usual homosexual experience is mutual masturbation. It is fast, easy, and requires a minimum amount of equipment. The chaps simply undress, get into bed, and manipulate each other's penises to the point of orgasm. Three to five minutes should be enough for the entire operation.

Don't homosexuals do other things too?
Certainly. [...] According to the homosexual, it goes something like this:
"Whenever I feel like sex, I drive down to the bowling alley. I walk into the men's room, find an empty cubicle, go in, take down my pants, and sit on the toilet. Then I wait. It never takes very long.
"Pretty soon another guy sits down in the next cubicle. I watch his feet. If he's a gay guy, he'll slide his foot over and kind of nudge mine. That means he's 'cruising.' If I'm interested, I nudge back. Then we get started.
"I always use a piece of toilet paper to write some kind of note—usually I just say 'Do you suck?' Sometimes if I have plenty of time I add something else like, 'How big?' I throw the paper on the floor, he picks it up, comes over into my cubicle, and sucks my penis. That's how it ends—sometimes I suck his penis but usually I just go home." No feeling, no sentiment, no nothing.

Are all homosexual contacts as impersonal as that?
No. Most are much more impersonal. The majority of gay guys, when they cruise, dispense with the courtship. They don't even have time for footsie or love notes on toilet paper. [TIME OUT! Best emo band name ever: Love Notes on Toilet Paper. Ok, TIME IN!] A homosexual walks into the men's washroom and spots another homosexual. One drops to his knees, the other unzips his pants, and a few moments later, it's all over. No names, no faces, no emotions. A masturbation machine would do it better.

Surely there must be more to homosexuality?
There are dozens of variations but they all have this in common: the primary interest is the penis, not the person. [...] They generally go by aliases. Harry, Dick, Peter, are the most favored.

Isn't homosexuality kind of dangerous?
Homosexuals thrive on danger.

"S and M"? What does that mean?
Technically, sadist and masochist. Literally, trouble. Those who combine homosexuality with sadistic and masochistic aberrations are among the cruelest people who walk this earth. In ancient times they found employment as professional torturers and executioners. More recently they filled the ranks of Hilter's Gestapo and SS.

What about masculine homosexuals?
Homosexuals have a tendency to overdo this sort of thing. There never was a man more manly than a butch. Butches lean heavily toward masculine trappings such as leather motorcycle jackets, tight pants of coarse material, super-masculine shirts, heavy boots, and other exaggerations of men's wear.

Don't a lot of heterosexual men dress the same way today?
Yes and no. [...] It is the exaggeration that gives them away. Two men may wear what superficially appears to be the same shirt; the homosexual's is just a little tighter, a little brighter, just a little more.
Recently, the gay guys have been leaning toward costumes. A good example is engineer's pants. White denim trousers with vertical blue stripes have long been worm by locomotive engineers and fireman and hardly anyone else. Homosexuals decided that this line of work was very butch and appropriated the uniform—tight striped pants with a bright red bandanna around the neck. [...] Peel off the top layer of a butch and there is a queen underneath. Their underwear is truly amazing. Some take pleasure in men's shorts so tight they can barely meet the needs of nature. Others choose briefs so brief they barely exist. Most butch underthings are little better than skimpy athletic supporters. The ultimate IS an athletic supporter—two straps and a sack attached to the tails of a super-tight shirt. It works fine—the shirt is always tucked-in, the genitalia held tightly. The only problem is that the poor follow can't bend over!

Why do homosexuals do that?
[His] desire to display his genitals. They are his stock in trade and he wishes to show them to best advantage. What a good up-lift bra is to a prostitute, a good pair of undershorts is to a homosexual. [Yes he did just insinuate that push-up bras are only worn by prostitutes.]

Aren't homosexuals afraid of being arrested?
Maybe they should be, but they aren't. Lack of fear of the consequences is one of the puzzling characteristics of homosexual behavior. [...] Homosexuals have a compulsion to flaunt their sex in public. A public washroom is frequently their stage. Bus stations, parks, bowling alleys, are haunted by gay guys. [I would kill to see the episode of Scooby Doo where they solve a mystery at a haunted gay bowling alley...]

But all homosexuals aren't like that, are they?
Unfortunately, they are just like that.

What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years?
What about them? They are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock.

How do male homosexuals get along with female homosexuals?
About the only thing they have in common is their contempt for straight arrows, the term they use for heterosexuals. Any relationship that exists between them is based on grudging mutual tolerance.

All homosexuals don't find their partners on the street, do they?
For the average homosexual there are not too many other alternatives. Church meetings, singles groups, blind dates, family introductions, are exclusively heterosexual territory. Not even the ultimate in commercialized sex, computerized dating, has found a way to cash in on homosexuals. [Ah, Grindr. My how things have changed.]

Homosexuals have their own language?
The list reads like a menu. Here are a few:
Fish: Woman
Fishwife: a male homosexual's real wife
Seafood: a homosexual sailor
Chicken: young homosexual
Meat: penis
Buns: buttocks
Other homosexual expressions come right from the vocabulary of the heterosexual prostitute with whom gay guys have a lot in common. [Jesus fucking Christ...]
Do: suck a penis
Nelly: effeminate homosexual
Auntie: an aging homosexual
Fag Hag: a woman who is attracted to male homosexuals
Wrinkle-Room: gay bar frequented by aging homosexuals.
This is just a sample—the list goes on and on.

Why do so many homosexual expressions refer to food?
Food seems to have a mysterious fascination for homosexuals. Many of the world's greatest chefs have been homosexuals. Some of the country's best restaraunts are run by homosexuals. Some of the fattest people in the world are homosexuals. [I swear to all that is good and holy, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life as when I read that last statement. Like, thought-I-might-die-struggling-for-air-laughing. "Some of the fattest people in the world are homosexuals." A medical doctor. I have nothing left.] [...] Since Nature did not anticipate homosexuality, the male has not been equipped with glands to secrete a sexual lubricant. Thus the first problem that two gay guys have to solve before making love is lubrication. Many homosexuals favor cooking grease. Salad oil and margarine are commonly used. Among gourmets, butter and olive oil are preferred. But it doesn't stop there.
Most homosexuals find their man-to-man sex unfulfilling so they masturbate a lot. Much of their masturbation centers around the anus. The question, of course, is what to use for a penis. The answer is often found in the pantry. Carrots and cucumbers are pressed into service. [...] Egg white is also considered a good lubricant. Sometimes the whole egg in the shell finds itself where it doesn't belong. Sausages, especially the milder varieties, are popular.
The homosexual who prefers to use his penis must find an anus. Many look in the refrigerator. The most common maturbatory object for this purpose is a melon. Canteloupes are usual, but where it is available, papaya is popular.

Isn't that Unusual?
Actually "kitchen masturbation" is harmless compared to some other forms of rectal recreation. When homosexuals drink, things really happen. Nearly every intern in the emergency room of a large city hospital has seen this:
It is two a.m. Sunday. A young man stands forlornly at the emergency room door. He is about twenty-six years old, short, thin, with long bleached-blonde hair. He is drunk but sobering up fast. Sweat clings to his powder blue silk shirt. [It took me about 15 tries to get that out when I was on the phone with Chris. I got to powder bl—and died.] The patient walks with a strange, bent-over, crab-like gait. [...] Pants off, on his hands and knees, chest on the table, anus in the air. The intern inserts the anuscope, flicks on the light, and there it is: a whiskey glass. He breathes a sigh of relief. Whiskey glasses are easy, relatively speaking. He snaps on a special rubber-cushioned clamp, squirts in some lubricant, the gay guy gives a little gasp, and it's out.
The doctor says, "I always worry when I see these guys come in. They all have this funny walk and I know they didn't sit on a tack. I just pray it's a shot glass—they're a cinch. It usually happens like this: Two fags are having a big time on Saturday night, you know, drinking and whopping it up. The queen rolls over and waits for his boy friend to give him the works; only he slides in the first thing he has in his hand instead, usually the whiskey glass. [...] It's the off-beat stuff that gets me. Like this time this old fairy hobbled in. I flipped him over, slipped in the scope, started to snap on the light, and almost flipped—his whole damn rectum was as bright as day! Someone had slipped the poor moron a flashlight—he was the most turned-on faggot in town."

Do all homosexuals do these things?
They like a tight fit. [I swear to god I'm not making this up.]

[Now, moving on from homosexuality. Let's go to some more random, less "fancy" questions:]

That's find if the vagina is too big—what about something for a vagina that's too small?
A vagina that is really too small is very rare indeed. Most often the hymen is to blame. That small bit of tissue that stands guard at the gates of love sometimes does its job too well. Even the most determined mightnight battering by a nervous and sweating bridegroom is occasionally insufficient—it will not yield. The following morning the tearful bride and red-faced groom appear at the doctor's office. In this case the scalpel is mightier than the penis and in a flash of the gleaming knife the portals swing wide. Nature's defect undone by Man! [I don't know what part of that answer hurts my vagina more.]

Does the wife or girl friend have something to do with a man's impotence?
In many cases, she does.

What about masturbation and the blind? [I swear to God.]
Until recently, blind people were shut off from the rest of the world socially as well as visually. One of their few sources of sexual gratification was masturbation. In blind schools masturbation was made more difficult because those who masturbated could not tell if they were being observed. [I. laughed. So. Hard.]

Ok I can't. I can't do anymore. NEW BLOG RULE: Whenever I'm too busy with "real work" to blog, I'm going to transcribe a few ridiculous questions and answers from Dr. Reuben's Everything You Always Wanted to Know...because trust me, there's so much more.

In the mean time, lesson learned: karma is real and you should never trust a gay man alone in your kitchen.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God.

~B said...

I Cannot wait for more of these snippets. Hysterical at work right now.

Rachel said...

um, i wonder who in your building owned this book!!what else was in the box?? you must go back

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just...wow. I'm in a state of horror, disbelief, awe, nausea...Are you sure that book wasn't written satirically?

leminx said...

This is in line with dr.s from the 50's-60's who recommended cigarettes and prescribed diet pills to women in order to lose weight. I have no doubt this is written in complete seriousness.

In.sane.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Are you sure that book wasn't written satirically?
Positive. There's a Psychiatry and Social Science Book Club edition, Book Find Club edition, Book-of-the-Month club edition, Psychology Today edition and it's been in Family Heath, Cosmopolitan, Ladies' Home Journal and the New York Post.

Life magazine on this book:
"This book has breathed new life into every form of American culture, has managed to bypass completely the realm of the sexual manual...It is not only informative, frank, up-to-date and complete but no-nonsense."

And the New York Times:
"It is just possible that this book does explain everything you always wanted to know about sex."

Mandi said...

OMG Fag Hag. I'm dying.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us.

Rachel said...

also, my sister in law found a book at her moms house, about pregnancy in the 60s. It was like you can have a few drinks, but be responsbile. Make sure you get exercise, a good way is to do squats while ironing your husbands shirts. it also said smoking was ok just in moderation.

EasyWayIn said...

1) This is the most unbelievable thing I've ever read. I am going to bring up this book in my Human Sexuality Education class tonight. Thanks for the extra participation points!

2) I am also really good about laundry, and what that guy did is LOW. You do NOT throw a clean article on the floor. You place it on top of the dryer IF there are no other dryers available. I wouldn't have felt guilty about what you did, I would have probably found something nastier to put in than lint, but then again I'm a pretty raging bitch

me said...

I am currently studying in a law school library and LOSING IT. I had to walk to the bathroom just so that I could laugh like a crazy person.

Priceless. Absolutely priceless.

Daniel said...

Oh, Joey.

A. Rue said...

"...he was the most turned-on faggot in town."

I just - I can't - wow.

Sarah P said...

MORE! MORE!

A) I never really worried for my safety in Rehobeth, but the next time a perfectly polite, 6' dude in S&M gear stops me and asks for directions to the convention center, I'm going to scream "FIRE."

You just can't take chances with the most dangerous people on the planet.

B) A medical doctor. Using terms like "fairy" and "faggot." I'm canceling my health insurance.

C) Would love to see a background check on the author to see if he was ever caught in a bowling alley bathroom.

Sarah P said...

MORE! MORE!

A) I never really worried for my safety in Rehobeth, but the next time a perfectly polite, 6' dude in S&M gear stops me and asks for directions to the convention center, I'm going to scream "FIRE."

You just can't take chances with the most dangerous people on the planet.

B) A medical doctor. Using terms like "fairy" and "faggot." I'm canceling my health insurance.

C) Would love to see a background check on the author to see if he was ever caught in a bowling alley bathroom.

Sarah P said...

MORE! MORE!

A) I never really worried for my safety in Rehobeth, but the next time a perfectly polite, 6' dude in S&M gear stops me and asks for directions to the convention center, I'm going to scream "FIRE."

You just can't take chances with the most dangerous people on the planet.

B) A medical doctor. Using terms like "fairy" and "faggot." I'm canceling my health insurance.

C) Would love to see a background check on the author to see if he was ever caught in a bowling alley bathroom.

Caitlin said...

I probably would've simply taken all of their clothes out of the dryer and dumped them on the floor. But then I wouldn't have found the $10, so I guess you had the better decision.

Halfway through that, I was getting afraid for where the egg whites came into play. And all I could think was poor Sal on Mad Men...now I know just what he was going through back in the 60s.

The D said...

Wow... thank God nobody else was around when I read that, I must have seemed crazy laughing so much at the computer.

And don't feel guilty about at least stopping the dryer cycle, I'd say that was absolutely warranted payback, especially if there were other machines. Laundry etiquette needs to be enforced!

Homemaker Man said...

That was awesome. I love that he answers his own questions so beligerently.

What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years?
What about them?

Yeah, what's it to you, me?

Emily said...

I am also an extremely responsible laundry room user. One time I went to retrieve my dry laundry approximately 4-6 minutes after my dryer went off and someone had taken my laundry out already. I got so angry, I found a dirty, mysterious sock on the floor of the laundry room and put it in the dryer with their clothes. I went down later to switch my second load over and the dryer had stopped but their stuff was still inside, so I took the sock out and put it back on the floor. They may not know what happened that night, but I Do...
P.S. Homosexuals thrive on danger. YES.

The D said...

Also, I actually had egg whites for breakfast. I took them orally. Can you ask Dr. Reuben if I should be concerned?

Anonymous said...

i can't... even.... i have no words meg. except this... FYI everyone: you can buy this masterpiece on amazon for $.99. you bet your shotglass filled ass i just ordered a baker's dozen as christmas gifts. you're welcome, friends and family. you're welcome.

RetroTrasher said...

pure. genius.

Grant said...

oh my sweet lord. just. oh.

I mean, I knew this was how people thought in the 50s and 60s. But the actual diction this man used is truly astounding.

Jennifer said...

Three to five minutes should be enough for the entire operation.


You most certainly found a treasure there. The people in your building leave the best books laying around!

Bëan said...

This is positively hilarious and thank you for brightening my day.

Shelley Greenberg said...

OMFG I almost had a seizure reading this in my office and trying to keep from laughing too loudly. I wonder if my boss could see my whole body shaking.

Dear. God.

Cassie said...

Outdated sex and relationship books are my very, very favorite. I am now convinced that I need a copy of this for my very own. I find that books like this inspire a special feeling inside me: a strange mix of incredulity, anger, and profound amusement. It's nice.

MG said...

Isn't homosexuality kind of dangerous?

Homosexuals thrive on danger.

hahahaha! That one got me...and It's so very true. haha.
Your neighbors have the best books!

Shelley Greenberg said...

I'm back.

So I sent this post to my Dad and this was our conversation after he read it:

Dad: I think my original copy of that is at Aunt Sandy's house. It came out when I was about 11 years old. Perfect timing. God, I hope my views have evolved since then...hate to think that book was the foundation of my adolescence.

me: you have heard of this book???

Dad: Something tells me I should hold onto that book a few more years. Can probably get a good price for it on ebay.

me: haha someone said in the comments that's it's for sale on amazon for 99cents!!!

Dad: By the time I was 12 I had read it cover to cover about 30 times!

me: SHUT UP!!!!!!!

Dad: swear to god... Woody Allen even made a movie out of it.
it was hilarious by the way

me: omg it's so ridiculous
"homosexuals thrive on danger." hahaha

Dad: I know...but think of Senator Larry Craig...he probably is stuck on the psychological crap espoused in that book.

me: i know right
that book probably f-ed so many people up

Dad: But at the time, believe it or not, I swear to god, it was considered the most advanced and liberated, liberal thinking!!!
Everybody read that book. Everybody had that book. Then we all bought Pet Rocks a couple years later...

Anonymous said...

I just bought it for .01 on Amazon, I got two copies. Definitely a great present idea.

~Travis

Anonymous said...

Yeah...so this book can also be found at the Arlington public library. How do I know this? Well, a crush came over to my apartment one night. A book lover, he heads towards my 2 stacks of library books. I remember that I had checked out 3 getting-over-guy self-help books...and then discovered the sex books section right next door. So I also checked out "The Joy of Sex" and "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex, but were too afraid to ask." I panic as he approaches books, shove him out of the way, and grab incriminating books. He pesters me to see them. I decide the least risky option is to hand him the sex books, distracting him while I toss the self-help books into my closet.

The Kuh said...

Another funny one you should check out should you ever find it in a neighbor's random book box is, "How To Marry The Man of Your Choice". My best friend happened upon it in college and we had a hell of a good time going through and highlighting the completely hilarious and ridiculous stuff in it. Good. Times.

Erin said...

I had no idea this was a book. The Woody Allen movie is pretty hilarious as well. Though different hilarious since it's supposed to be funny and the book is not. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

OMG. I can't tell you how similar a story this is to my life. Minus the good karma junk. If people do that to me, I take their wet clothes out and put them on the dirty ground.
Anyways, this same guy wrote different book called "How to get more out of sex" and my brother and I found it in a book buy-back bargain bin thing and died laughing. Being in 8th grade at the time it was embarrassing to buy, but well worth it. We keep it out in the open for guests to read. The cover alone is worth it because it's got a picture of the doc with the title.
its. just. perfect.

beanery said...

Wow. The content of this book is horrifying. Anyone interested can find a huge chunk of it here.

Carla said...

"Peel off the top layer of a butch and there is a queen underneath."

"Among gourmets, butter and olive oil are preferred."

"stands guard at the gates of love"

I need to start a band just so I can work these into the lyrics. Either that, or start performing spoken word.

Mtina said...

That book is totally sitting on my bedside table.

Anonymous said...

I need to get my hands on a copy of this book!

Anonymous said...

1. Click on the link above from beanery
2. Go to page 161
3. Die laughing

Tea rooms.

Anonymous said...

I revise my previous instructions:

PAGE 169.

PENIS IN A BOTTLE

maggie said...

bhaahahah
this is too mind-boggling. like, i can't wrap my head around it in any way…
at first i snorted and laughed until it hurt, but now i am just staring at it in awe. how was this published? where did this guy go to school? who. the. fuck. authorized him to write a freakin BOOK?!?!?!?

aghhh, i. can't. handle. it!

maggie said...

also, if i ever become a doctor and someone asks me a question i don't want to answer…

patient: you said i was fine, but what about my seizures??

me: what about them?

heehee oh, if only we lived in the 60s

maggie said...

also, if i ever become a doctor and someone asks me a question i don't want to answer…

patient: you said i was fine, but what about my seizures??

me: what about them?

heehee oh, if only we lived in the 60s

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

that was. by far. the funniest thing i have ever read in my life. I did not heed your warning in the beginning (though why, I don't know since you guys always crack me up) and let's just say i was laughing so hard that there was an incident involving crab dip, water, and my laptop.

this book was definitely better than the suprise $10!!!

thatgirlblogs said...

just found out I am a fag hag, thank you very much doctor paperbook.

most awesome.

Anonymous said...

http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9902/11/sex/

Laylapalooza said...

In blind schools masturbation was made more difficult because those who masturbated could not tell if they were being observed.

For the love of all that is good and holy. Please let this not be true.

I'm cackling, but I'm kind of sad there isn't anything about female homosexuality...

Anonymous said...

me: check out my favorite blog mom. and zomg CHECK OUT THIS ENTRY.

mom: that book, was the text book to my physiology class in high school. 1969.

kallay said...

so, after i picked myself up off the floor from death due to laughter, i attempted to read this to my mom. after many tears and painful abdominals she exclaims, "i have this book!" i now have a mission to locate this book. so totally funny.

Steven Capsuto said...

In response to the questions... sadly, the book was NOT meant as satire (though the Woody Allen movie loosely based on it was a comedy). This book was very famous in its day and sold like the proverbial hotcakes. (Damn, now I'm hungry.)

Early-1970s Gay Lib activists spent considerable time protesting outside public appearances by this "expert."

Mason said...

Baahahahahhahha!

Makes you wonder what shit is being written and published now, that will be just as absurd in 40-50 years...

Can't wait for more.

Mingosthename said...

is this book still in print?? I must have it!

Steven Capsuto said...

I love that the 1999 update's list of gay slang includes terms no-one has used in 50 years. An "auntie"? Oh, puh-lease, Mary!

Anonymous said...

Since I have read that a movie was made of this book...it sounds like a good "Drinking Game Friday"!

lovenotestoself said...

How pissed am I that I didn't call the blog Love Notes on Toilet Paper? Fuck.

Nate said...

Well... That was 4 dollars well spent on Amazon.

Early Merry Christmas to ME!

Thank you, Meist.

Deb said...

OH MY GOD. I can't even finish reading because I'm so excited. That's been my bathroom book for years. Funniest shit I've ever read.
It deserves to be shared with the world. Excellent call.

John said...

OMG thank you so much for providing me with the best literature of the night. I must come to the jager party so I can talk to you about how it sucks to be *~gay~* and whatnot (total queer here obvi)

coffeebucks said...

"The gates of love" is my new favourite euphemism for the vajayjay. Thankyou SO MUCH for blogging this, it's hilarious.

Karen Fratti said...

Get Sex and the Single Girl by Helen Gurly Brown. I just finished it. Not as great as this, but a similar kind of read. There're used copies on Amazon for like 2bucks

oh kate said...

I'm at a loss for words.

Cassie said...

I now find myself inexplicably in the mood for some good Melissa Etheridge.

I have to wonder if female homosexuality was ignored because of the not-uncommon for the time period notion that lesbians did not exist, just confused young ladies who just needed to find the right penis to show them the errors or their ways.

MsK said...

Thank you Meg for giving me one hell of a topic to bring to the Thanksgiving table on Thursday.

I give thanks for you finding this precious gem of literature.

liz said...

My 2birds1blog reading group of friends have decided to buy this book, and have a drinking and reading party, where we all sit in a circle and read on passage out loud and pass it to the next person. I would suggest a drinking game friday to go along with this book...but it might be deadly

Tim said...

What is a masturbation machine? Is it some form of robot; because that whole bowling alley thing is not impersonal enough for me :)

Annie Wonder said...

Just discovered this book is in my college's library. Can't wait to show everyone I know!

Caitlin said...

Hahaha, "Everything you always wanted to know about sex" is going to have a sales spike due to this post.

Yet another reason why this is my favorite website in the entire history of websites.

~B said...

In a search for this book I came across one of Dr Reuben's other gems... Dr. David Reuben's Quick Weight-Gain Program
With the same lovely cover as the other one (what an imagination!)

Anonymous said...

omg this was hilarious!
"Many homosexuals favor cooking grease. Salad oil and margarine are commonly used. Among gourmets, butter and olive oil are preferred."
i'm crying... omg lol

Anonymous said...

interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one learn that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.
[url=http://amazon.reviewazone.com/]Barbara[/url]

Anonymous said...

very useful read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did anyone hear that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.
[url=http://amazon.reviewazone.com/]Lois[/url]

-B- said...

I know this post is a thousand years old, but I had to share - I too own a David Reuben sex manual. I saw it lying in the donation box for a jail reading group, proclaiming itself to be written by the author of "Any Woman Can!", and I stole that shit so fast it would make your head spin.

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