11.25.2009

Drinking Game Friday (sort of) has got CHARISMA!

As is becoming a Drinking Game Friday tradition around here, I'd like to start out today's post by apologizing to our Twitter followers for the obnoxious spam messages you may have received from me last night. My account was hacked. Again. I, as a human being, have a cold and my Twitter account has a virus. EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! What kills me the most is that "I" sent a spam-tastic DM to our most important contact at Jäger and now she has the spam virus. So, great. I'm sure we'll totally get that Jäger deal now that I gave their PR director Twitter scabies. Super. I don't even know how this keeps happening. I don't click on any shady links and my password isn't "password123" (...anymore.) Shouldn't they be targeting more lucrative people like Kim Kardashian or something? UGH, I'm so pissed. If Suzy Soro is behind this—im'ma fly to Hollywood and cut a bitch personally. In conclusion: I apologize to our Twitter followers and if you don't follow us on Twitter, you should because I'll give you all sorts of fancy online diseases!

Speaking of downers: Co-Blogger Chris and I will be taking the rest of the week off to go back home and stuff our faces with turkey, play with our respective parent's cats and do some general lolling about in the spirit of our Native American brothers. I'll be making a casserole for Thanksgiving dinner this year and given what an obvious shit show that will be, I've decided to live Tweet the entire process. (@2birds1blog! Sure I'll give you Twitter AIDS, but I'll also give you a few LOLZ in the process!)

I am so unbelievably excited about this week's drinking game! It's taken Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie and I years to perfect it. You see, back in the day when Eddie and I we were both awkward (well, more awkward than usual) freshman at AU, what bonded us as insta-biffles was our mutual love of crappy pop-culture. One of the biggest "OHMYGAWD, ME TOOO!!!!1" moments in our friendship came when we discovered that we both have the same favorite Thanksgiving movie
Son-in-Law. Son-in-Law is the ideal major motion picture: it has action, comedy, romance, Pauly Shore, Tiffany-Amber Thiessan (post Saved by the Bell; pre dropping of the Amber) and ROLLERBLADES, ROLLERBLADES, ROLLERBLADES! This past Saturday night, Eddie and I sat down with our laptops, signed onto g-chat, poured ourselves a mighty drink and from 140 miles apart, tested this week's drinking game. (God bless technology.) (And yes I did say Saturday night. She was going out after and I was nursing my cold. DON'T JUDGE US!) It is a privilege and an honor to present you with (the very potent) Meg & Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie's Ultimate Son-in-Law Drinking Game!


You can drink whatever you want for the majority of the movie (we both went with Bacardi and Coke Zero) but there's a specific part of the movie where you're really going to need to utilize a delicious and refreshing Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. So, have that on deck.

Rules
Drink When:
- The "EEEE-EEEEEEE, EEEEE-eeeee!" music plays
- Walter says, "DAMNIT ZACK!"
- Walter says, "Oh shit."
- Walter calls Crawl by the wrong name (i.e. Crotch or Crap)
- Crawl says "Beck-kuhhhh"
- Anyone says "buuuuuu-dddddddy"
- Anyone says "charisma"
- Anyone says "mingling"
- Anyone besides Pauly Shore talks in that bro-kennnn syll-a-bleeee style of talk-iiiiiing that became so synonymous with the nine-tiessssss
- STEVEN TYLER PJ'S! STEVEN TYLER PJ'S!
- There's a totally meta reference to another Pauly Shore movie
- Rebecca's butterfly tattoo is shown or referenced
- ANYONE ROLLERBLADES (drink twice if Rollerblading solves an everyday problem like filling troughs with animal feed)
- Animals are widdled or a widdled animal is shown (this rule gets you surprisingly fucked up)
- Boobs are referred to as "cones"
- God knows what is referred to as "nugs"
- You can easily see one of Rebecca's outfits being in any given Urban Outfitters right now
- You see naked butt
- There is an uncomfortably open dialogue between Crawl/Rebecca/Walter/Connie about Walter & Connie's sex life (i.e.: "I'm not going to lie to you Mrs. Warner; you're giving me a total semi right now" or "Becca, check out the wood I created for your dad!" or when Becca tells her mom that she could hear them have sex last night and everyone is like HAHAHA, yeah.)
- "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" plays
- The following exchange goes down:
Walter: DAMNIT! What's that kid's name?!
Theo: SOMETIMES HE ANSWERS TO ASSHOLE!

And just for me and Eddie, chug your Bartles & Jaymes when:
Crawl: [sees Walter Sr. widdling on the porch] Oh, my God, it's Bartles or Jaymes. Dude, which one are you?! [I don't know why we thought this scene was so hilarious at the time, but it's became this huge inside joke in our friendship. One of my favorite HAHA—college! pictures is of Eddie in a giant purple sweater deep-throating an empty Bartles & Jaymes bottle at
her Wet Hot American Summer themed 21st birthday party. It encapsulates the entire college experience into one concise photograph. Ah, Memories!]

And now I leave you with today's Everything You Ever Wanted to Know... question and answer. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! Unless you're not in the States...in which case, have a great rest of the week at work! Ha ha...awkward. We love you guys and don't forget about Jäger Ball NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT! AH, HOLY SHIT! We'll see you Monday! Buh-bye!

Dr. Reuben's Question and Answer of the Day:

If a girl is pregnant, wouldn't she be better off without one of these abortionists?

Sometimes it doesn't make any difference. A self-induced abortion can be just as dangerous. The traditional do-it-yourself method hasn't changed in the past ten thousand years. The primitive tribes in Africa use the same technique as the most up-to-date swinger in Greenwich Village. Only the instrument is different. The disconsolate African housewife uses her abortion stick. It may be an intricately carved family heirloom or just a sharpened branch she pulled from a tree. It doesn't matter because she only needs it for a moment.
She squats in front of her hut, pushes aside her bark-cloth skirt, and slides the stick into her vagina. She then guides it more or less carefully through the cervix and into the uterine cavity. Then she pushes it around vigorously, pulls it out and hopes for the best.
Eight thousand miles away her light-skinned sister is sprawled on her queen-sized bed. She brushes aside her expensive nylon underwear, spreads her carefully shaved and powdered legs and with the aid of her cherished magnifying mirror guides her abortion stick toward its final goal. Only she uses a coat hanger.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well that was a disturbing thing to read at 1 in the morning, thanks

Cassie said...

I now have an inexplicable urge to powder my legs. I'm pretty sure I've never done it before.

I'm also curious as to what the proceeding question and answer is. 'Wouldn't a pregnant woman be better off without one of these abortionists?'
I want to know about those abortionists.

Fortunately, I just ordered myself a copy for my very own. Unfortunately, it won't be here for a couple of weeks. Stupid living in Europe screws me over every time.

徵信社 said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
謝謝你的文章分享,請你有空到我

參觀,Thanks

mlkirwan said...

Sadly I won't be a Jäger Ball (a friend is having a holiday party in NYC), but please tell me that one of these will be making an appearance there:

http://twitpic.com/qr3ky

Happy Thanksgiving!

Caitlin said...

Oh...that's traumatizing. My cervix hurts. Ha.

And this year I'm totally thankful to have found this blog to keep me entertained while at work.

mrs. darling said...

i am so disturbed. and also very aware that i forgot to powder my legs this morning.

leminx said...

seriously, I just got ill...

Maybe Dr. Reuben hacked into your twitter account, since he's such a twat. hahahaha ZING!

e/b(d) said...

Abortion stick! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Mtina said...

Ouch, Dr. Reuben is officially the stupidest man/MD I will never take advice from. And whoever stated:

"I love it! Very creative! That's actually really cool."

Were we just reading the same thing? WTF mate?

Megs--please grace your readers with p.283 the coke bottle douche, its priceless

Carrie said...

You know there's a Woody Allen movie based on the Dr. Reuben book, right???

gr82bsaved said...

"[she] spreads her carefully shaved and powdered legs and with the aid of her cherished magnifying mirror guides her abortion stick toward its final goal. Only she uses a coat hanger."

Oh em gee. How is this even for reals??

Kori said...

Yeeeessssss.

The BF and I have already decided our Thanksgiving will consist of all the weird bottles of wine we've randomly found while moving; Chinese Food; "special" brownies; and the worst Thanksgiving movies we can find.

And Son-In-Law is SO on that list.

"Grew the do. Guzzled some brew"

Rebecca said...

Oh my goodness I seriously had to cross my legs after reading that!!

Boyfriend loves Pauly Shore. May have to play the drinking game.

Santa Clara divorce lawyer said...

Ouch.

Mollie said...

That "abortion stick" thing has me squirming at my desk!!!
Yep - still cringing!

Rick D said...

"Let's have some fun this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your abortion stick. ha!"

i feel gross after reading today's Q&A, but i also feel gross that modified Gaga lyrics were the first thing that came into my head...

Nate said...

After reading the Q&A, this year I am thankful that I do not have a womb... that I know of.

(OH SNAP. Did I just work in a reference to an earlier blog entry of yours? I WIN!)

Nate, again. said...

Bah, I meant to link to THIS earlier entry of yours...

Anonymous said...

my vagina hurts.

Anonymous said...

So one of my friends maintains what can only be called a "sex blog" (http://dedeboomboom.blogspot.com) in which anonymous readers email her with questions and she answers them on the blog.

I think it would FANTASTIC if you teamed up and somehow combined your two blogs with these Dr. Reuben posts.

Anonymous said...

I thought about this for a while... do you mean "whittle"?

Nate said...

Dear Anonymous,

*face palm*

"Whittle" is a real word. Here is the definition.

Love,
Nate

M.Ives said...

Okay so this is really late, but I saw it today and thought of you/Dr. Reuben.

Way older, but almost as hilarious guide to beauty/sexuality:
http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/2009/12/studies_in_crap_1904s_top_sexologists_on_our_helpless_unclean_flower-like_women.php

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