11.16.2009

Because if I post this here, I won't actually send it. Maybe...

Dear Boss #1:

I did not create the Internet. I just didn't. That's a fact. I have created a lot of great things in my day including this blog and an impressive bong I made out of a blue Gatorade bottle in high school, but the Internet, I can not take credit for. I'm also a graphic designer born after 1984, which makes me one of the more tech savvy receptionists. Again, I'll give it to you. But all of these factors do not make me the all-knowing Master of Computer Technology. It just means I can Photoshop a really comical picture of Pam Grier's body with Tiffany Amber Thiessen's head in under five minutes. Or a picture of a praying mantis named Scott wearing bifocals writing a screenplay. Or an image of Alex and Maya Angelou floating through space entitled, "SPACE BIFFLES." That's the extent of my computer magic right there. Is it helpful? Not really. Is it hilarious? Yes.

You know what I regret, Boss #1? I regret on that first day of work when you came to me and said, "I'm pressing the 'C' button on my laptop, but the coffee dun't come out!" that I walked over to you, all fat and cocky and held you in my arms like a wilting flower and whispered, "Shhhh...I'm here now." I regret that I showed you where the coffee machine was and explained to you that a laptop is a word processing machine and not another asshole. Because it was then that you looked at me through slick, wet eyes and decided that I was the Empress of all that is Digital and Holy. And from that moment on, you came to me with any problem that was even remotely technological. From missing Word documents to dead vibrator batteries, I'd take a few Common Sense pills, hit auto-recovery, pop in a few double-A's and tell you to, "go get 'em, Tiger."

But guess what? There are some technological problems that I can not solve. Problems that go beyond my knowledge of when in doubt, CTRL-ALT-Delete and/or power cycle the router. Sometimes, I just don't know why the Internet isn't working. "So, call Comcast, Estupida," I can just hear Boss #2 saying. "OK, what's our account number?" "Jo no sey." "But I need it to call Comcast." "Just geev them the number to our telephono." "Which number is on the account?" "Jo no sey." "Ok...what name is on the account?" "STOP GRILLING ME FOR INFORMACIÓN!!! Who are you—Border Control?! Just fix it!" So like the gringa I am, I call Comcast and explain to them that our Internet isn't working and I don't know our account number or the account telephone number or what name the account is even in, but if you don't help me, my boss is going to beat me like a piñata. And Comcast, bless their collective hearts, is always sympathetic but never helpful. They put me on hold for the rest of the day and nothing ever gets solved and I go home and curl up in a ball and gently rock, knowing that in 10 hours I'm going to have to come back and do it all over again. And all of the managers in all of the Comcast, Netgear and Dell help centers in the world ask me the same question—"who is your Network Administrator?" And I explain to them that I'm 99% sure it's me and 100% sure that my soul is slowly creeping out through my asshole.

What I'm trying to say, Boss #1, is that I don't know how to fix the Internet or the wireless printer router. This is the crossroads we're currently standing in. And you don't get it. You can not grasp the concept that I can't fix the Internet. You are convinced that as The Empress of all things Digital and Holy, I keep the Internet up my snizz and can queef it out on demand. But I cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die that is not the case. Because if it were, I'd be charging 50 bucks a queef and not eating gummy fangs for dinner and working for you.

I understand that you're frustrated, because I'm frustrated too. But you know what's not going to help? Throwing your flash drive at me and yelling "MAKE THIS WORK!!!!!" before stomping off like a child. I don't like that as of yesterday, I can honestly say that I've had a grown woman throw a flash drive (or as you call it, a "computer-stick") at my face. You are a grown-ass woman. If you're frustrated with me because I refuse to queef out the Internet for you, don't throw shit at me. Because I'm a fucking human being. And when you've cooled down and realized how grossly inappropriate you were, don't make a joke out of it. Apologize. Because throwing shit at me is not funny. Knock-knock jokes are funny. Old people talking about sex are funny. Family Matters is funny. Having a temper-tantrum and throwing shit at me is not funny. And if you're that frustrated with me for holding the Internet deep within my womb and refusing to grant you access because you haven't paid the toll, try talking to me about it. If you can answer me these riddles three, I swear I shall grant you access to your precious Internet:
1.) What is our Comcast account number?
2.) Can I please have some petty cash to buy a new router?
3.) Are you aware that I'm not an IT person?

That last one is an honest-to-god question that I want answered. Do you know that I'm a receptionist and not an IT person? Because knowing how to use a computer does not make me a computer expert. Being able to do "fancy" things with the computer like opening a new tab without the mouse or dragging files onto your "computer-stick" doesn't mean I'm going to be able to fix every single computer problem that arises. When you bitch and moan that your computer is too bright and I click the "less sun" button to dim it, that doesn't mean I'm Bill Gates—it just means I know my ass from a hole in the ground. I can connect the dots that Mr. Sad Face Sun is probably the guy I should talk to if I want to dim the computer screen. There's a difference between intelligence and common sense. And I'll be the first to tell you, I have neither. I'm just really good at fiddling with shit. And that's what half of using a computer is. Just clicking things and opening and closing shit and messing around until you do whatever it is you're trying to do. And you, Boss #1, are completely capable of doing this, you just prefer when I do it. And you know what? That's fine. Because frankly, I have nothing else to do and if me figuring out how to turn off your daily Outlook reminder makes me look like a genius in your eyes, I'll take it. I take the small wins when I get 'em because I, overall, am a loser.

However, It's the leap from "can you make my screen less bright?" to "can you make the Internet appear out of thin air?" that I have a problem with. Because knowing how to google "insert a signature in Outlook" does not mean I can perform miracles. And I don't appreciate that when I can't perform miracles, you don't believe me and think I'm holding out on you. Trust me, if I can do something to shut you up and get you off my back, I'm gonna do it. My goal is to interact with you as little as possible on a daily basis. I just want to write my little blog and watch The Hulu and eat my chicken wrap and get through the day as quickly as possible until it's time to go home. I don't like when you come to me with your problems. AND YOU DO! ALL THE TIME! You come to me with all of your problems! "Meghan, my phone is too loud!" "Meghan, I don't know how to save something to the desktop!" "Meghan, my daughter doesn't want to go to college!" "Meghan I have a UTI!" "Meghan, I'm not happy with my husband anymore!" GAH!!!! On one hand, I'm flattered that you think I'm competent enough to deal with all of these problems, but on the other—I'm just the fucking receptionist. And you pay me accordingly. Specifically, you pay me like a fucking migrant worker. So if you want me to be your receptionist, IT person, life coach and gynecologist, you need to give me a raise. Oh and some health insurance and vacation time would be dandy too.

In conclusion: I am not an IT person. I didn't get my degree in computer science from Westwood. I don't always know how to fix your computer. And this is not my fault. We need someone we can go to when we have computer problems who is not me. And more importantly, you can not be mad at me about this. To drive the point home, I'm going to leave you with a list of things that I am 100% capable of doing and a list of things that I ma 100% not capable of doing. Study the list. Learn the list. Respect the list. And stay in your own lane or I will drive you off the road.

Things I Can Do:
- File
- Organize
- Answer phones
- Dust
- Take crucial naps
- Snuggle with Evie
- The Electric Slide
- Work a remote
- Make a bangin' salad
- Design a tri-fold pamphlet
- Make a mediocre cup of coffee
- Take a message
- Shake your hand firmly

Things I Can Not Do:
- Fix a broken wireless router
- Reconfigure the printer router
- Hack into our neighbor's wireless
- Read your mind
- Make new light bulbs appear out of nowhere
- Make a special Comcast Seal channel because you're really in the mood to hear "Kiss From a Rose"
- Spackle the walls
- Prescribe you Amoxicillin
- Fix a broken dishwasher
- Convince your daughter to go to college
- Upholster a chair
- Duplicate a set of keys with the two hands God gave me
- Power your laptop with bodily fluids and willpower

With a false sense of respect and affection,
Meghan C. McBlogger

133 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well that makes my bad day seem a little less bad. Hang in there.

emily chonch said...

Meg-I know this will not help, but find a little consolation in the fact that I have also had to call comcast, the company we lease our laser printer from, verizon, and some italian furniture company, without any sort of account number, and ask them to do us some sort of favor for free simply because my boss is too lazy to pick up her own phone and also feels entitled to the world.

I too am a graphic designer, apparently college professors failed to warn us that designer is secret code for IT specialist/ general fixer of all problems.

Rachel said...

now I want to hear Kiss from a Rose. Damnit

SRB said...

Oh, I feel your pain.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

godilovethisblog

The Realist said...

I tried to do a service trade with a massage therapist for computer lessons. We were good until he told me he used Windows 95. The rest of the day went just about as you described. He asked me to pretend to be a "service worker" so that one of his credit card companies would talk to me so that he wouldn't have to talk to them on the phone and retreive his old password to pay bills online.

Anonymous said...

i would say this would solve your problems but i have a feeling that boss#1 wouldn't take passive aggressive notes very kindly:

http://xkcd.com/627/

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I too am a graphic designer, apparently college professors failed to warn us that designer is secret code for IT specialist/ general fixer of all problems.
RIGHT?!?!?! Just because USE a computer doesn't mean we're IT People! Hair stylists use scissors! That doesn't make them butchers!

I tried to do a service trade with a massage therapist for computer lessons.
That's the most delightfully sketchy trade I've ever heard of.

http://xkcd.com/627/
I love that.

Natalie said...

Is it plagarism if I send that email to my boss?

AMcG said...

once again... this post is speaking to my heart or hearts.

I am the official Gmail (and anything-related-to-Google) "Genius" for my Boss... I've never seen a grown man in a leadership position sound so helpless, but I do quite willingly take the compliment that he actually uses the word GENIUS to describe me (even if it is not in reference to the valuable degree that cost $40,000/year).

Caitlin said...

A-FUCKING-MEN.

I think your bosses went to the same boss school as my female boss.

Megan said...

I LOVE GUMMY TEETH.

Grant said...

Jeez, if the job market for graphic designers is this bad these days I don't want to know what it's like for those of us without useful degrees.

Anonymous said...

i might be able to top this...the OWNER of the last place i worked at literally didn't know how to send emails. i had to send a file to his email, go into his computer, retrieve it, open a new email, draft it to one of our clients (complete with client email, subject line and body) and HOVER THE MOUSE OVER THE SEND BUTTON so he could just "click" when he got back into the room.

this is the point where i realized i will forever work for idiots and the world is not fair.

NySoonerGirl said...

I personally enjoy the stunned silence when the technician on the other end of the phone asks if we have an IT person and I awkwardly giggle while admitting that somehow with a French degree they've decided I'm qualified for that position. I'm sure there is a school somewhere that must cover IT in their French Lit program, unfortunately it just wasn't OU.

Lauren said...

What I find so sad about this is that clearly I am not the only person with the same experience as you, and everyone seems to live in the DC area. How is it that we supposedly have a city of intelligent over achievers here when it's apparently just underpaid 20 somethings and idiot savant bosses?

Katie said...

I totally feel pain. Except for the not having health insurance part. Is that serious? I mean, my health insurance is crap, but it still exists.

Katie said...

YOUR pain. I meant I feel YOUR pain. sorry. Forgot to take my drugs today.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the BEST blog posts I have ever read. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Not that you meant to be funny, but you ARE SO funny. Your situation, however, is not funny and I feel your pain. I'm sure we all have at some point or another. Just keep going there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

lovenotestoself said...

Can you tell me how to make the words on the screen big again? All that stuff you help Boss #1 is pretty amazing.

Oh, and it might be best to keep Boss #1 stupid. Otherwise she might find your blog. And I don't want you getting fired until you have the contest where I win and I fly in from Chicago to have cocktails with her.

Helen said...

You might like to watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaC29Cboc0w

I have a feeling Boss #1 and Jen have a LOT in common.

Enjoy.

n8rlvr said...

Amen! You tell it sista.

Anonymous said...

Ha. Awesome. I am def the IT person for the office despite only having a graphic design degree. I also hate how they preface everything with "I'm just not a computer person." I always want to say "well I'm not an IT person so back the fuck off." Instead I cringe and google what it is they are having a problem with and play around with the computer until I figure it out...the cycle continues.

Anonymous said...

my 29 year old boss once asked me to print out "one of those calendar thingys you always use." seriously a blank windows calendar wizard document...

i almost cried when i traveled from my CUBE into his OFFICE to hand it to him.

Andrew said...

Wow! This happens in my office constantly. Theres some days that I feel like throwing the receptionist's computer out the window because for the 18th time I hear; "Can you come out here and help me! I think I have a virus!" No, you don't, its a freaking pop up ad, again! This is also always followed by comments from "40 something born again Christian co-worker", who says; "I remember back in the day when we all used IBM typewriters! Life was so wonderful!" No it wasn't, after a day of that crap you'd wish you had MS Word again. So glad I'm not the only "computer genius"!

Shelley Greenberg said...

Oh. my. god. This is why I love 2birds. You kill me! Family Matters IS funny, it's true. This entire post would make a gorgeous short monologue.

But Meg, aren't there some comedy mags/blogs you could be getting paid to write for instead of working this shitty job where you are horribly underappreciated and what's more, disrespected?

Joking aside, throwing an object at an employee is SO FAR BEYOND NOT COOL. Reminds me of the time during an internship when I forgot something and my boss actually FLICKED me, in the forehead, and said, "Duh Shelley."

I laughed it off but afterwards I wanted to cut a bitch.

Anonymous said...

This is my life. My boss and your boss should leave their spouses and marry each other.

Best,
Not an IT person but treated like one on a daily basis

A. Rue said...

Don't knock the Photoshop skills. Your talents are extremely important. To us, if not to the sanity levels of your bosses.

This post makes me sad. I mean, I laughed. But sad.

Lauren Ashley said...

Everyday. It's like you read my mind.

My job sucks.

At least I have the yagerball to look forward to.

Anna said...

shelley, ive gotten the "flick"! NO one should ever have to get the flick...or a flying object at their head...

Chrissie said...

Yup. It's one of those days for us glorified receptionists.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Lauren - i feel like this post is SO relevant to DC-ers in particular. i could have sworn when i moved here it was to a company that prides itself on smart people.....why do the smart people not know how to open or save files from emails?????

i think you need to hit send on this email when you quit in lieu of a resignation letter

Natalie said...

You know, I think the hilarity of Boss #2's Comcast dialouge was underappreciated in the comments section.

Jo no se, indeed.

Anonymous said...

please start writing for wonkette. it would be such a great "2 birds, 1 stone" moment for me. you're fantastic.

Rachel said...

Last week, one of the Partners at my firm informed me that he's much more advanced than his colleagues because he knows how to copy and paste using ctrl C and ctrl V instead of using his mouse. Gold star for you, sir.

Also, I'm told on a weekly basis that I should know "how to fix this thing" because I went to a "technology" school. Yes ma'am...my bachelors degree in Management from Georgia Tech definitely qualifies me to fix your crashed motherboard.

Courtney said...

My boss called me to vent this morning after her own mother got off the phone with her for said reason.

I was unaware slave owners confided in their property.

Christine said...

Oh my god, this makes me so happy that I'm funemployed and spend my days hanging around middle school math classrooms rather than at an actual yob.

LK said...

MY GOD! This is my job. This is my life. It's too exact. Are you spying on me? All I can say is: WORD.

Anonymous said...

Meg, write a book. Please.

Caroline said...

I think this might sum up your argument. Pity the boss is not capable of understanding it.

http://xkcd.com/627/

kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

crappy boss. boo. i'd just laugh at him if he tries to pull that stunt again. a big belly laugh, where you throw your head back and start to cry a little. and then i'd go photoshop his head on the body of a donkey and tape it on his door.

kelly

dontgetsentimental said...

- Make a special Comcast Seal channel because you're really in the mood to hear "Kiss From a Rose"

I died.

I also died when my director called me into his office to ask me how to move the shapes in his powerpoint deck "up". Not reformatted, not recolored, not redistributed. Just "up". I felt so alone.

Rachel C. said...

This should cheer you up...and or leave you unable to sleep. It's a mustache pillow!!

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34710526

Bridget said...

You left off "close file cabinet drawers" on the list of things you can do. But apparently they already know that.

abby jenkins said...

My worst boss ever had me buying lingerie for his TWO girlfriends for valentine's day. "Make it sexy" he says as he throws me his platinum Amex.

The snotty model looking chick got the La Perla, the sleezy stripper chick got the Victoria's Secret. How embarrassing. For him.

I wonder which lucky lady actually got to spend the night 2/14? I suspect the sleezy one.

That being said, it gets better.

Anonymous said...

This post is amazing. I totally feel your pain. My boss is 80 years old and I don't even want to get into all the ridiculous computer/internet related BS I have to deal with on a daily basis (I have a marketing degree).

I'm glad to know there are other people in the DC area with these same problems.

Margo said...

DC runs on twenty somethings. This city wouldn't be the "brainy" place it is without us. Everyone on the Hill is 12, and the only people doing ACTUAL work at my office is under 35. I too make under $40 k a year and have the worst HMO imaginable- I pretty much live like I don't have health insurance. Allegedly, if we kiss enough ass now, eventually we will get better jobs that rely on younger people later. Or so I'm told.....

Finewineanddiapers said...

Um, you had me laughing out loud, in my miserable cube where everyone can hear. Oh how I wish I could get paid to sit on my ass and do nothing.

michelle. said...

I remember showing my boss how to put pictures into a PowerPoint. I have never felt so significantly close to sitting at the right hand of Jesus in my life.
Then I too, was completely raped of all my "photography" skills for the next year.

I feel you sister. This was the letter I always wanted to write.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Aw, you guys. Bless your hearts. Thank you for the encouragement and stories and I feel equally sorry for you all as well.

I don't know how the world runs. Because apparently we're all just reading blogs and pretending to do work. And DC is not a smart city. It's just a nerdy city. There's a difference. I'm not being a cunt-bag because I include myself in that nerdy category.

Meg, write a book. Please.

please start writing for wonkette.

But Meg, aren't there some comedy mags/blogs you could be getting paid to write for instead of working this shitty job where you are horribly underappreciated and what's more, disrespected?
It's so hard, you guys! Nobody wants to pay a bitch or represent a bitch! So in the mean time I'll be sitting here getting shit thrown at me while I give my boss her annual pelvic exam. <3

oh kate said...

I'm thankful every day that I stumbled upon 2birds1blog. Every day!

kb said...

You shouldn't have to put up with that Naomi Campbell bullshit. Sue sue sue!

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