11.19.2009

Why the thought of me getting married is laugh-out-loud funny

Let's talk about Helena. As I've mentioned before, Helena is my biffles. My "biffly-biffly^maxpower," if you will. I like Helena a lot. She's super fun and snarky and slightly mean and easy on the eyes—pretty much the embodiment of everything I look for in a friend. But more than that, I just feel like Helena knows what's up in life. And her opinion is extremely important to me. Before making any decision, major or minor, I consult Helena. And what she says goes. I've been practicing this method of decision-making for five years now and it hasn't led me astray once. Actually, that's a blatant lie. One time Helena and I were shopping at Pacific Sunwear (which is highly out-of-character and comical to think about now) and I asked her if I should buy an ironic John Deere Trucker baby-tee. Without missing a beat, she said yes. So I bought it, wore it and immediately regretted it. Later she confessed that she only told me to buy it because she thought it would be "hilarious." But you know what? She was right, yet again. Because it was hilarious. I'm willing to own up when I look like a douchebag, and guess what? I looked like a giant douchebag. So in conclusion: Helena is always right and I'd trust her with my life.

Now let's talk about marriage. Marriage freaks me out. Well, that's a lie. Marriage at this point in my life freaks me out. I've always associated marriage with two groups of people: grown-ups and white trash. Being neither of those things (John Deere Trucker tee aside,) I have absolutely no plans of getting married in the foreseeable future. I mean, I'm only 24; I've got wild oats to sew! I want to dip my wick in anything that moves! (...I apologize.) I want to have a bullshit job with no responsibilities! I want to throw big Jäger parties and come to work hungover! That's pretty much where my priorities lie right now. And I've always thought that that was OK. Sure, pretty much everyone else I know is in a serious relationship and going to grad school or law school and moving on to the next step in their life, but I've always felt confident about where I am. But that changed last week when Helena casually mentioned that she and her boyfriend have discussed marriage. Like in a it's-probably-going-to-happen-sooner-than-later kind of way. After she said that, I could feel my heart drop into my butt and I had a very quiet, but very real Total Life Freak Out.

Don't get me wrong—I love Helena and I love her boyfriend and I love them together! It's just that if Helena gives getting married at this stage of our lives the green light, that makes it officially acceptable. And if it's officially acceptable, that means it's not just for grown-ups and white trash anymore; it's for people like you and me. Because we are those grown-ups. And that scares the shit out of me.

The idea of me getting married is laughable. Like literally laugh-out-loud, Family Matters level funny. I can see myself in a relationship, sure, but marriage? Fuck no. Because getting married is a big fucking deal. You are, in the most literal sense, marrying your life to another person's and saying that not only am I responsible for my life, I am now responsible for yours. Just typing that statement made me want to vomit. Because I can barely take care of my own life. I went on Facebook for the first time in 9 billion years the other day and saw that my best friend from elementary school is now married with a child. And not a baby! Like a walking, talking, thinking, feeling, straight-up little child. That shit is bananas. I wouldn't trust myself with a hot plate, nevertheless a child. But there she is. Adorable and alive and kickin'. Is that where I should be? Should I be retiring my abnormally busty frat boy lifestyle, get a Netflix account and settle down? Normally I would say no, of course not, Meg. You're only 24 and you have the emotional maturity of an ashtray. But now that Helena's gone and given marriage her stamp of approval, I'm starting to think yes, that is where I should be. But I'm really not. What's wrong with me?

Welp, I can actually tell you exactly what's wrong with me. Via this list. The list of Reasons Why the Thought of Me Getting Married is Laugh-Out-Loud Funny:
1.) The following is a photograph of the inside of my refrigerator:

You will see that it contains a lot of beer, a dozen eggs that might be hatching into chickens as we speak and a Ziploc bag of spaghetti my mom gave me in early October. Hope you're hungry, baby.

2.) Gummy fangs. It's not just an on-running blog joke; it's also what's for dinner.

3.) Sometimes I honest-to-god hibernate. Like a bear. If I've had a particularly rough Saturday night, I'll just sleep through Sunday, waking only to eat gummy fangs before going right back to bed until Monday morning. Soooo...there's that.

4.) I will do anything to avoid doing laundry. For example, I realized this morning that I'm out of clean shirts, so I am currently wearing a backwards Patron t-shirt with a cardigan thrown over it. And guess what? I probably won't do laundry again tonight.

5.) I have a very Me vs. My Body mindset that isn't very conducive to a life partnership. The following is a real conversation Co-Blogger Chris and I had this weekend:
Me: Ugh, these migraines won't away. I think I'm going to have to give up and go to a doctor.
Chris: Uhh..."give up," Meg? I don't think that's called "giving up," I think that's called being responsible for your well-being.

...Point taken. I hope my future husband never comes to me sick or I'll treat him like a level of Donkey Kong.

6.) Sometimes I play this game called "How Long?" The object is to see how long you can go without paying your cable bill and having it shut off.

7.) I am never, ever wearing pants.

8.) The second room isn't for a baby. It's for the Jäger cooler and my brand new shot dispenser.


9.) When something goes wrong, my immediate reaction is still to call my mom. And if she's not home, I have a history of leaving long voice mails of me making whiny noises. No words. Just whiny noises. For upwards of three minutes at a time.

10.) I still sleep with a stuffed animal. His name is Jason. Let's not pretend like I haven't discussed his existence before. Let's also not pretend that everyone who comes over and hugs him doesn't immediately understand why he's in my life.

Sigh... Guess I'll be buying "fruits" and "vegetables" if you need me. Thanks a lot, Helena.

69 comments:

poelondon said...

Wait till you get to your mid-to-late 30s and haven't even been CLOSE to tricking someone into thinking about marrying you. Meanwhile, all your friends are working on their second marriage.

Then you can legitimately freak out.

poelondon said...

BTW, I got married and divorced before 24, so no freak outs for me!

(Man, am I the definition of success or what)

Rachel said...

I didnt think about marriage before 27, you got time! and now look at me? married and knocked up. Also...based on you saying you cannot be trusted with a hot plate and eating gummi fangs for dinner, you may not be a suitable babysitter for mny afro-ed baby

Meagan said...

don't worry, me neither. also, i think we have something *cough* someone to discuss. i'll be home for thanksgiving- i'm guessing you will be around?

Margo said...

I'm engaged now but am in no way a grown up. I still play the "How long can I wait to go grocery shopping without dying of hunger or scurvy" game. (Personal best is 3 weeks 5 days. But I ate out twice. I'm not proud.) I like to think of my fiancee and I growing old together, as in, becoming actual adults at some point. But frankly, I'm not that worried about it.

LW said...

Don't worry meggles, those things don't have to go away when you get married. I'm 25 and I've been married 2 years.

1) I never wear pants
2) Our refigerator consists of beer, boxed wine (black box - its gooooood! i swear, not white trash, try it), juice, champagne, and a couple of stick of celery. And I dont even eat celery.
3) If it weren't for boca burgers, I'd never get protein bc I could live off of cheerios
4) We like go play "get drunk and pretend you dont have to go to work tomorrow" so I still go to work hungover....at least once a week. And I have a fairly legit job.
5) We just bought a house but our first major concern was how big of a table we could fit on the patio and still have room for beer pong. Also, our first purchase for the house was an inflatable beer pong table for the pool.

So don't worry! Marriage isn't ALL responsibilities....sometimes it's just like getting drunk with your BFF and playing sleepover every night!

Grant said...

I am in grad school, and let me assure you that it in no way resembles adulthood. At least, not when you're 23 and getting a Master's at NYU. Maybe PhD or a normal, non-insane school might be different, but my experience is not of adulthood.

Everyone I know is a drunk. Most of them are single. Marriage is so far off I would laugh if it even seemed like a real thing to me. Do not worry. Enjoy it.

PS - On weekends I sometimes try to eat only one meal a day. I'm that lazy. Bourbon is a second meal.

Anna said...

i miss jason

L said...

I think LW's marriage is my dream life realized.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh Poelondon...

Also...based on you saying you cannot be trusted with a hot plate and eating gummi fangs for dinner, you may not be a suitable babysitter for mny afro-ed baby
NOOOOOO!!!!! Come on!!!! Trust your afro-ed baby with Aunt Meggles! Talk to Becky! She said I was the best dog-sitter she's ever had!

also, i think we have something *cough* someone to discuss. i'll be home for thanksgiving- i'm guessing you will be around?
Do we?! Like a good discussion or bad discussion? Now I'm nervous. Either way, I'll be here for Thanksgiving so let's get together!

I like to think of my fiancee and I growing old together, as in, becoming actual adults at some point. But frankly, I'm not that worried about it.
Aw, I like that. I assume my invitation is still in the mail.

So don't worry! Marriage isn't ALL responsibilities....sometimes it's just like getting drunk with your BFF and playing sleepover every night!
AW!!! I like that too! Who knew you guys were such a romantic bunch??

i miss jason
Dude. He misses you more. What if Jason and Pillow got married?

Anonymous said...

Don't worry Meg. I feel one-upped by my friends that are getting their PhDs and have better jobs than me, and I have a really good job. It's just society's pressure that we're not like those 20-somethingins on the cover of FastCompany that are changing the workforce and about to take over their company.

btw I'm 25 and I have a netflix account, the streaming movies that I can watch at work are well woth it

~Travis

Mtina said...

MMMMmmmhhhmmm Anchor Steam sounds so much better than marriage. I'll take your fridge selection and gummy fangs over childbirth any day.

dontgetsentimental said...

I love you. And please read:

http://dontgetsentimental.wordpress.com/2009/04/11/as-if-i-am-only-16-and-this-is-california-not-kentucky/

I can't even tell you how much getting married makes me want to shrivel up and die. Did you know the sharing-of-the-bed ritual didn't come about until like the 1920s? Another reason I was born in the wrong fucking decade.

Homemaker Man said...

1. It's not the marriage that makes you have to grow-up, it's the kids. Marriage is great. I mean, so are kids, but . . .

2. You worry to much about what your buddy Helena is doing. My wife and I were the 1st in our circle to have kids and we were 34. Enjoy your 20's. Your friend is nuts.

Anonymous said...

based on your list I am doomed to holy matrimony - F me.

Elliot said...

Jesus burrito-munching Christ you are pretty much the exact female version of me. (That's not meant to be an insult, although I guess it kind of is.) My fridge looks just like that, I never wear pants in my home and I didn't go to the doctor for three days when I had swine flu. I even am wearing second-day underwear for the third straight day because I can't bring myself to drag my laundry out of my room.

(If anyone who knows me is reading this, I'm totes j.k'ing about the second-day boxers.)

Rae said...

It's sad and scary how much my life mirrors yours (no offense). That said, I also play a game I think you'll find fun. I call it "extreme banking" and they way you play is to write checks at the same time you deposit other checks and hope the deposits clear before the bills clear. I once had my rent clear EIGHT MINUTES after another check I had deposited that pushed my account over the rent-balance. I am 24. Hear me roar.

Lauren H said...

seriously...are we the same person...

Phoebs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"extreme banking" haha love it, not laughing at you, WITH you, because I have played may times too

~Travis

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Anchor Steam sounds so much better than marriage.
I wish that was a t-shirt.

Your friend is nuts.
Helena is many things, but she is not nuts. And now you've upset her. I demand an apology by the end of the work day.

My fridge looks just like that, I never wear pants in my home and I didn't go to the doctor for three days when I had swine flu.
For the record, I will absolutely marry you.

Helena said...

So I decided to take a break from my intense day day of watching OnDemand pantless, beer in hand, gchatting with everyone unlucky enough to be at work to check on the old 2birds.

I am officially freaked out by myself. I was indeed, totally spot on with that John Deere shirt. I have fantastic judgement. So why am I thinking about maybe someday, like, if we don't have anything else to do, marrying my boyfriend? That is a grownup activity.

On the other hand, I'm pretty curious about "sex" and the only way I'll ever get any answers is to get married.

PS You have more beer in your fridge than I do. I'd say that puts you ahead of me in the game of life.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dear Helena:

Please do not let the crazy ramblings of this blog influence you or your life decisions. I am an emotionally stunted, questionably alcoholic curmudgeon who doesn't want to grow up. The blog should not affect you or your boyfriend (in a negative way, that is.) Because if it did, I would feel horrible. And I don't want to feel horrible. So for selfish reasons, don't listen to me.

Now put on those pants and let's play us some drunken Risk!

Love,
Meg

PS: You don't have to put your pants on...

kb said...

Gummy Fangs are an acceptable food group. Right? RIGHT?!

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Okay, here are my thoughts:
1) My biffles, Molly, got married and a year later the other three girls in our fake little Sex and the City posse were also married.
2) Being married IS sort of a big deal for exactly the reasons you said. I'd have to hire a lawyer if I wanted to kick Dave to the curb. If he gets a job in Saudi Arabia, guess who has to go with him? And people are already starting to ask when we're going to be popping out some babies. So yeah, it's fun, but a big deal.
3) I still call my mom anytime anything goes wrong and I do the exact same thing if she doesn't answer. "Awwwww, mommyyyyyyyyy, whyyyy aren't you answerinnggggggggggg??? AwWWWWWWWWW [grunt grunt]...[sob]...mommyyyyyyy...." and then she calls me back and plays "Whip It Good" into the phone at me.
4) I eat so much gummy candy that Dave has taken to finding my stash and hiding it from me, doling out candy only when I've had a balanced meal beforehand.
5) Our second room houses a surf board Dave won in a race sponsored by a brewery (I ran dressed as a Coors light can). Also in the second room: a neon beer sign I picked up on the side of the road, the whole Twilight series of books, and a futon. No cribs or darling wallpaper in sight.

...I could go on about how immature I am, but you get the point. In conclusion: you're right that marriage is HUGE, but it's also got a lot more to do with the quality of the relationship than the couple's ability to act like adults and go to farmers' markets and talk about stock portfolios together.

p.s. I've been reading archives of your blog for the past hour and laughing/snorting really loudly in the quiet study lounge at my school.

And sorry for the long comment. I'm incapable of being brief.

Helenasjohnson@gmail.com said...

Well I would 100% NEVER put pants on for you.

And while I live for you and blog, I'm more excited about finally getting my mitts on a good food processor. Nothing will stand between me and my registry. And what I actually mean by that is, I'm in love. Which I am more than okay with.

Maid of Honor is between you Jack. Since I don't need to clean your litter box, you're in the lead.

Anonymous said...

we are NOT those grown-ups.

N-O-T.

3 of my 6 best friends are married. We are all 25. I thought I was just going to pretend to be protesting marriage until i found your blog and thought "oh, they are the weirdos". So now you're drinking the kool-aid and my safety marriage bubble just broke. I think you owe us all a really good DGF

Sarah P said...

Being on the other side of that marriedwithkids life hump that happens to almost everyone you know between the ages of 24 and 30, just know that:
A) your diet won't change a whole lot. I mean, you can't drink beer while you're preggers, obvi, but I basically lived off of Christmas-theme peanut M&Ms for the first two months of my twins' lives. By extension, the babies also lived off of peanut M&Ms.
I eventually went crazy on the organic food, but the first two months: I kept Mars-Milky Way in bidniss.
B)I work from home and, even though I have young, impressionable children, I wear pants WHEN NECESSARY ONLY. In fact, I have refused to answer the door for neighbors who know I'm home because I'm wearing a jammie shirt and Halloween undies at 3 p.m. in March.

Wow. That all makes me sound like a really bad parent.

Meh.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

p.s. I've been reading archives of your blog for the past hour and laughing/snorting really loudly in the quiet study lounge at my school.

And sorry for the long comment. I'm incapable of being brief.

Aw, Wiggs! <3

Maid of Honor is between you Jack. Since I don't need to clean your litter box, you're in the lead.
You know I'd hold Jack during the entire ceremony. So that solves that.

3 of my 6 best friends are married. We are all 25. I thought I was just going to pretend to be protesting marriage until i found your blog and thought "oh, they are the weirdos". So now you're drinking the kool-aid and my safety marriage bubble just broke. I think you owe us all a really good DGF
Well fuck me!

your diet won't change a whole lot. I mean, you can't drink beer while you're preggers, obvi,
And I have a problem with that.

S said...

I'm with the "getting drunk with your BFF and having sleepovers" statement! That's pretty much how me and my man are. We've got the whole fairly legit jobs and responsibilites thing going on, but that by no means stops the fun. I knew he was the perfect man for me when he gave me a monogrammed flask for graduating college. It's a bad week that doesn't find me out somewhere with a vodka-filled, personalized flask.

Take hope, Meg! The right man for you will obviously just ask you if you want some Jäger with your gummy fangs for dinner.

Margo said...

Meg, you should know I would LOVE to have you come to my wedding, but we haven't sent out invitations yet. Again, that would take away from my tailgating time. Are Facebook event invites acceptable? What about e-vites? Pretty much anything I can send while looking busy at work will do.

Lisa said...

Forgot the third group of people getting married - the God-Squad! People getting married the week after they graduate, you know it's just so they can try out this "sex" thing Helena refernced

Anonymous said...

what am I missing with the pants statements? don't wear pants when around the house? don't wear pants...ever? don't wear pants in an attempt to attract a mate with blatant nudity?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yeah, it doesn't really have anything to do with the price of tea in China. I was just throwing it out there.

Lydia said...

In marriage, the only part you have to be an adult about is being faithful. Other than that you're free to be immature however you want. For example, we have a 6-foot diameter beanbag so we can both play video games. We walk around sans pants all the time. Marriage is awesome. You always have a date to go somewhere, and you always have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's.
Just because you get married, doesn't mean you have to crap out a kid. Personally, I think kids are way too much work, and the idea of shooting a living being out of my hoo-ha makes me physically cringe, so I'm perfectly happy with skipping that fun little milestone.
So calm down, find a person as badass as yourself (who is preferably already sponsored by Jager) and have at it!

Elliot said...

Is it wrong that I really want to set a FB status saying that 2b1b Meg said she would absolutely marry me? 90% chance this is the highlight of my day.

Elizabeth said...

I love it! Although I'm 27 and did the law school thing because I had nothing else to do with my life after I college, and I was back living in my small town where getting married and having babies is what people did straight outta high school, there is no part of me that feels as though I'm ready to be an adult. I like going out drinking during the week, doing shots, and all those things aren't acceptable for normal people "nearing" 30. Also, I'm about the only one left who is not married, with child, or even in a serious relationship. Everyone I know thinks that I hate marriage, but it's really the act I put on to make my current lifestyle more acceptable, just pretend like it's not in your cards.

Casey said...

Meg - I still sleep with a Care Bear and a blanket that I call Blankey, and my fridge would be as empty as yours if the BF didn't stock it once a week. Also, today I literally pulled a shirt out of my hamper, smelled the armpits, shrugged, and tossed it on... to wear to work.

And despite all this, the BF and I will most likely get engaged before Christmas.

Moral of the story: you can still be a lazy slob who wears dirty clothes to work, eats Ramen noodles (or gummy fangs) for dinner each night before snuggling with a Blankey, and someone will still want to marry you anyway. Trust.

Laura said...

I'm still peeved someone called Helena "nuts." Mostly because she's the most put together person I know (when she can find pants).

Teddy said...

Huge boobs, lack of responsibility, hate laundry? You are fucking perfect.

ryan said...

i'm gonna estimate the number of marriage proposals ms. mcblogger gets out of this hovers around 40 or so.

Jenny said...

Hello fellow Eagle...

I graduated a year before you and am getting married in a few months. TRUST ME...I was not the marrying kind a few years ago and I assumed I wouldn't get married until I was in my 50's, or that I'd find someone and just settle into life partnership by default - like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Things change. Also, our fridge is even more desolate than yours and we're "adults."

Lia said...

as LW said, marriage is NOT all responsibilities. i've only been married 4ish months (I should know exactamundo, right?) aaaaand i never wear pants, right now there isn't shit to eat in the kitchen and my cat won't shut up. I'll take care of the cat, but later when the PEOPLE are hungry, we'll probably just keep drinking vino and watching everything we DVRed this week.

Sarah said...

I am right with you on 8 out of 10 to those, right down to the Jagermeister cooler, which occupies a space in my dining room that grown-ups might use for, say, china. And I turn 26 on Monday. There is still time for you...

Sarah said...

Eesh, I turn 26 on Monday, yet I apparently am incapable of composing a coherent sentence.

*I am right with you on 8 out of 10 of those.*

Anonymous said...

I saw an episode of Dr. Oz last week where he showed 18 year old ovaries nex to 40 year ovaries. That shit is fcked up. The old ones were like pathetic little raisens next to the other pair and I realized mine were somewhere in the middle (I'm being generous here)of the spectrum and I am 35 with no husband or kids.

My therapist said I will be fine.

Sarah P said...

me: your diet won't change a whole lot. I mean, you can't drink beer while you're preggers, obvi,
you: And I have a problem with that.

me: BUT, if you drink enough while you're breastfeeding, you'll basically lactate Bailey's Irish Cream. Alcohol is great for bonding, especially with your newborn.

Christine said...

Love the post, love the shot dispenser, slitting my wrists slowly because I can't make it to the 2B1B festivities, and oh ya, I feel the same way about the whole getting married thing.

My mom and my former roomie's mom were both married at 22 and have yet to get divorced...so talking to them as a single 24-year old is always fun. So is chatting with my two college friends who are engaged. Also, a while ago I was talking to my mom about real estate and said, "I wouldn't want to commit to buying a place until I was married." Her response? "Or until you are a confirmed bachelorette!"

I'm taking the fact that my mom doesn't think I'll ever settle down as an extreme positive for now. Also helping the "stay single and drunk" cause? Showing boys my blog far, far too early in any kind of dating situation under the guise that "if they can't handle my blog, they can't handle me." Once they know that I have repeatedly slept (and still sleep) with a kid who has peed my bed three times now, they run for the hills. Singledom preserved.

Allison said...

I agree wholeheartedly with #10. I was so proud of myself a few months ago when I bought club soda for the first time EVER because every time I call my mom to ask how to clean up a mess I've just made (which happens at least weekly) her first suggestion is "club soda!"

And you know, there are upsides to friends getting married...when their weddings have open bars...

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms. Mcbloggger,

I wish we could be friends. I'm currently sans pants, eating slightly stale cake (more appetizing than the half zucchini or light mayo in my fridge), watching cartoons and reading your blog before I grab my blankie and curl up for a solid weekend of hibernation. And I may or may not be a little drunk. I don't like gummy fangs though, so maybe it wouldn't work out. Get yourself some marshmallow strawberries and we'll talk.

Laura said...

Please can you post a picture of Jason? I imagine he is a turtle.

Brittany said...

I am in love with this blog. Meg, if I could give you a big hug and tell you marriage isn't scary (Well, when its to the right person), I would.

I'm married, and I'm only 21. I also just bought my first house with my husband who's 18. It's like we get to party at our own place now. We turn up the TV as loud as we want, stay up as late as we want. It really is like having an eternal sleepover with your bff.

I just want you to know that when you're ready, you'll know. You'll find that someone and one day you'll realize out of the blue... That's the one you wanna marry! Who know's? Maybe you'll find a hot Jägermeister vendor.

Katie said...

It's weird to hibernate on Sundays? Because I've been doing that since I started high school and I have no plans to stop.

Ram said...

Please be my friend. My fridge looks like yours, I eat chips for dinner (or totally skip it if I'm out of chips), and hibernate quite often. Screw growing up.

petiteoiseau said...

I didn't know oats could be sewed into beautiful quilts.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Is it wrong that I really want to set a FB status saying that 2b1b Meg said she would absolutely marry me? 90% chance this is the highlight of my day.
Do it! My gchat status says "I'm going to marry Elliot!" So, it's only fair.

I'm still peeved someone called Helena "nuts." Mostly because she's the most put together person I know (when she can find pants).
Shit's fucked up. I'm still waiting for that apology.

Huge boobs, lack of responsibility, hate laundry? You are fucking perfect.
BLESS YOUR HEART!

Hello fellow Eagle...
ONCE AN EAGLE, ALWAYS AN EAGLE! (Does anyone know if they still make you chant that at orientation?)

I saw an episode of Dr. Oz last week where he showed 18 year old ovaries nex to 40 year ovaries. That shit is fcked up.
Well great. Now I want to know what my ovaries look like.

Love the post, love the shot dispenser, slitting my wrists slowly because I can't make it to the 2B1B festivities
Christine, that's bullshit. I know you're just watching reruns of "Mermaid Girl" and boozing. You can do that here!

I wish we could be friends.
Come to Jager Ball and we totally will be!

Please can you post a picture of Jason? I imagine he is a turtle.
Sure thing! And he's a fox.

I am in love with this blog.
That's weird. Cuz I'm in love with you.

Please be my friend. My fridge looks like yours, I eat chips for dinner (or totally skip it if I'm out of chips), and hibernate quite often. Screw growing up.
Done and done. Insta-biffles.

oh kate said...

I have to agree with all the other married readers, marriage doesn't mean you mature into adulthood, it just means you've found someone equally as fucked up as you are who is totally ok with your quirkyness and possible gas.

The babies thing kind of freaks me out cause I still think of myself as a young lady even though I'm now closer to 30 than I am to 20 (fuck my life) and both sets of parents are asking when they're gonna have granbabies.

Our fridge currently contains lots of cheese, alcohol, and condiments. makes a delicious dinner you won't remember the next day. yum!

Also, I can't wait for the 5th. chances are good I'll be by myself. if you see a nervous girl with curly red hair staring curiously and possibly longingly at you, that would be me. sorry in advance.

Frankie said...

HOLY FLOCK THAT WAS AMAZING!! Amen sistaaaa

James said...

I can't imagine how awkward Jager Ball would be for me trying to figure out which one is Meg: (After staring at some dark haired girl's chest for 30 seconds I walk up) "Those look big enough for me to ask, are you Meg? No? Okay, sorry." (rinse and repeat)

Elliot said...

My gchat status now is quoting you saying that your gchat status mentions me.

I just got a headache writing that sentence.

poelondon said...

" I mean, you can't drink beer while you're preggers, obvi,"....

Just like pap smears and breast exams, I believe this "science" on drinking and pregnancy will be found to be unfounded. Anyone who watches Mad Men knows you can drink, smoke and whore around while pregnant with no discernible negative side effects. I'm just stating television facts here.

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Kyle said...

Great post! No marriage until 30. Now seeing this Tiger Woods clusterfuck, maybe no marriage until 40. If 30's the new 20, then 40's the new 30. 40 it is

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I need to know what Phillip will say about this??

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