11.24.2009

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries

- First and foremost, I would like to thank my new best friend—2b1b reader Mindy from California—for sending me two of the most majestic items to ever enter my life: a pair of Dr. Dre stickers from "Dre Day Party" (an event I didn't even know happens outside of the song "Fuck Wit Dre Day," in which Dre tells Eazy-E to eat a "big fat dick." And then he died. Awkward...) The first one says, "We started gangsta shit. Is this the muthafuckin' thanks I get?" and the other is, "You're mad atcha boyfriend ain'tcha?" I mean. Jesus Christ, Minds. How am I supposed to ever repay you for a gift of this magnitude?! Can I carry your child for you? Because I'll do it. Just say the words and this Jäger-soaked womb is allllll yours! Mindy was anxious to see where I'd end up sticking the stickers. Uh, "stick" them? I'm not permanently adhering these bad boys anywhere unless it's directly to my body via ink, biffles. In the mean time, in a protective frame on my wall will do:

Thanks Mindy!

- Speaking of Dre, one of my favorite lines from "Xxplosive" has never been so seasonally appropriate: "Gobble the dick."

- And speaking of Thanksgiving and rap music! I have an embarrassing story for you. You know how I feel about Dre? Well, that's how my sister feels about Ludacris. The very first time I ever heard Ludacris' "MoneyMaker," the line "Just be thankful that Pharrell gave you something to bump to" got my gears a-turnin'. I decided that at Thanksgiving dinner that year, when we're all going around the table saying what we're thankful for, I was going to say that I was "thankful that Pharrell gave me something to bump to!" and it would be the funniest thing anyone had ever heard in their entire lives and my sister would have a new-found respect for me and I'd be the hero of Thanksgiving from thereon after. Now, I hatched this plan in July of 2006 which means that by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I had been sitting on it for an embarrassing four months. But finally, four months passed, Thanksgiving was upon us and I was anxiously seated at the dinner table ready to grace my family with the Greatest Joke Ever Told. Unfortunately, I didn't factor in that my family actually doesn't have a tradition where we go around the table saying what we're thankful for. But you bet your ass that was about to change. "Hey! I got an idea!" I said. "Let's go around the table and say what we're thankful for!!!!1" I was met with a few raised eyebrows. My family isn't really the touchy-feely kind. We spend most of Thanksgiving drinking beer, watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and napping. (God I love Thanksgiving.) But this year I insisted that we go around the table, open our little hearts and say what we're thankful for. I was so excited. My turn couldn't come fast enough. Mom: "Well I'm thankful for having such a wonderful fam—" YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NEXT! Aunt: "I guess I'm thankful for having people in my life who—" OK GREAT, WONDERFUL, BECCA GO! "Uhhh...I'm thankful for—" GREAT, TOUCHING, LOVED IT. MY TURN!!!! My heart was racing and I could barely contain my own excitement. I took a breath and composed myself: "Well everyone. This year—I am thankful that Pharrell gave me something to bump to!"...................Nothing. Nobody spoke. "O...k...," my dad said, "I guess it's my turn now. I'm thankfu—" "NO, NO, NO!" I interrupted, "Maybe you didn't hear me. I said, I'm thankful that Pharrell gave me something to bump to!" ..................Crickets and blank stares. "Like...like in the 'MoneyMaker' song? Ludacris, Becca? Ludacris?" I searched my sister's face, just waiting for her to light up at any moment and finally get my incredibly well crafted joke. "Yeah...I got it," she instead said, "It's just trying a little too hard. Gotta ask, how long were you sitting on that one for, buddy?" ".....................................Four months." "Nice. Dad, you're next."

And now this is what I'm reminded of every Thanksgiving. Personal failure. Sounds about right.

- I have a question re: the creepy cat in Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video:

How did they get it's little fangs to be gold? Are they kitty caps? I don't know why this is so perplexing to me, but it honestly keeps me up at night. And I'm completely aware of how pathetic that last statement is. A google search of "Lady GaGa Bad Romance video cat" yields nothing helpful. Co-Blogger Chris thinks it's a CGI effect, but I'm not sure I'm buying that. I don't know why I'm so fixated on this. Either way, if they are gold kitty caps, guess what Evie's getting this year for Chrismukkah?????

- As I mentioned yesterday, I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond this weekend. As I stood in line waiting to check out, I realized, and I shit you not, that the large African American woman in front of me had her handbag on one arm, a bag full of recently purchased Popeye's fried chicken on the other and was purchasing one single item: a personal massager. It took everything in my power to not go up to her and say, "Lady, I will give you $50 and a crock-pot to trade nights with me."

- Andrew, of The Great Juno Debate fame, was recently making a Makeout Playlist and accidentally almost put Shakira's "Underneath Your Clothes" on it. The thought of casually making out with someone and slowly realizing that you're listening to "Underneath Your Clothes" is probably my favorite mental image ever. Thus, I challenged Andrew to make an entire playlist of Ironic Makeout songs
songs that are slightly too emotional to be played during a casual hook up. Songs that blur that fine line between background noise and a blatant narration of what's going on. I give you:

Andrew's Ironic Makeout Playlist
"All By Myself " - Celine Dion
"All My Life" - K-Ci & JoJo
"Always Be My Baby" - Mariah Carey
Brokeback Mountain Theme
"Don't Let Go" - En Vogue
"Foolish Games" - Jewel
"I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston
"I'll Make Love to You" - Boys to Men
"Invisible" - Clay Aiken
"God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You" - 98 Degrees 'N Sync
"Possession" - Sarah McLachlan
"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
"Underneath Your Clothes" - Shakira

- And now for Dr. Reuben's Question & Answer of the Day! By the way, I was having dinner with Laura last night and I brought my copy of Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know... with me to prove to her that a.) it's real and b.) it's just as ridiculous as yesterday's post made it out to be. I don't think she "didn't believe me," per se, but I do think she thought I was perhaps embellishing a bit. I tossed the book across the table and dared her to open to any given page and not be shocked. An hour after we departed ways, I received this email testimonial from her:

Dear 2b1b readers,
I, Laura A. Megfan, do hereby assure you that "Dr." Reuben's book is in fact real. I have seen it with my own two eyes, held it with my own two hands, and read aloud from it with my own lips (which is the reason I can no longer look the wait staff at James Hobin's in the eyes). Let me assure you that it is all Meg says it is and more (read: highly offensive to women, homosexuals, and children of all ages and genders). Having flipped through it I cannot tell you how excited I am to get Meg's take on this book on a regular basis. And now I leave you with three words: Gene. Audrey. Clamp.

Happy reading!

And now, Dr. Reuben's Question & Answer of the Day:

Are there different kinds of frigidity?
Yes. Depending on what the woman is trying to say, she (unconsciously) chooses various forms of expressing herself. For example, if in spite of her conscious desire for intercourse, she wants nothing to do with the penis, Vaginissmus may be the result. In this symptom, the lips of the mouth may say "yes," but the lips of the vagina are shouting "NO!"
[...] It happened one night with Gene
he will never forget it.
"I once read about it in a book but I thought it was a lot of baloney. I can tell you from my own experience, it's something awful. I was out one night with this girl, her name was Audrey
I'll never forget that. We had a good time and a few drinks and then went over to her place. She had this apartment with a couple of friends. She was a little nervous like she didn't do it all the time, but we got along all right. After we were in bed, I started to put it in her but she said, 'It hurts.' Well, a lot of them are like thatyou know, they want you to think it's the first time and all that. It was kind of tight, but she said to go ahead and try it anyhow. I wish I'd just gotten up and gone home." Gene took a nervous drag on his cigarette.
"I pushed it on in but right away I knew there was something wrong
it just didn't feel right. Then it happened. She screamed, and her whole business clamped right down on me. I felt like I was caught in a bear trap! I tried to pull out but that was my next mistake. Her, her, you know, grabbed me even tighter and it hurt like hell. All the time she was screamingit must've hurt her too. Then the people in the next apartment started knocking on the door and I yelled at her to keep quiet. That was a bad move. When they heard me yelling they thought something funny was going on and they called the cops. Man, I wanted to get away but I couldn't move the way she was hanging on to me. Well, to make it short, the cops broke down the door and found us on the bed like that. They must've seen this deal before because they started laughing. THEN her two girl friends came in. Wow! By then I would have left my organ behind if I could've gotten away! But the cops just covered us up, kicked everyone else out, and left us alone. In about ten minutes, she quieted down and I got loose. We never saw each other again and now if a girl just doesn't seem right, I tell her, 'Why don't you save it for marriage, honey? We'll both feel better that way'."

WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?! I have so many questions that were in no way answered by Dr. Reuben on this one:
1.) "[T]he lips of the mouth may say "yes," but the lips of the vagina are shouting "NO!" If that is not the most graphic and disturbing rape mantra I have ever heard in my entire life, then I don't know what is.
2.) Gene. Gene, Gene, Gene...If I put my dick in someone and they say it hurts, I think my next instinct would be to take my dick out and not be like, "MEH! She's probably just trying to trick me into thinking she's a virgin. YOU KNOW HOW THEY DO! Better cram it in a little further!" But again, that's just me.
3.) Let's talk about The Clamping. I get her having a tight situation. I can even understand the whole clamping down nonsense. But who in the holy hell has a vagina that is capable of clamping down so hard it can physically detain a person inside of them?! And even assuming she does have this alleged wonder pussy that can hold a grown man in place, wouldn't her muscles get tired after five minutes and loosen? I mean, drunk bitches be peeing themselves all the time! I don't care how young you are, at a certain point, those muscles get tired and give up. Trust me.
4.) "All the time she was screaming-
it must've hurt her too." Well no fucking shit! She told you that it hurt earlier and you were all #VIRGINFAIL!
5.) Where were Audrey's roommates when this was going on?! How come they only surface when the cops show up? If my tight-pussed roommate brought a strange guy home and I heard her screaming and him yelling at her to be quiet, I would bust through that door and knock him upside the head with a frying pan so fast his moustache would spin.
6.) Speaking of moustaches, is anyone else picturing Gene as Scott Daniels from the cover of Sweet Valley High's All Night Long?
7.) Ok, let me get this straight: The cops get a call from the neighbors that there's a girl screaming and a man yelling at her to keep quiet, right? So they bust down the door to her bedroom and find old Gene pounding away on Adurey. Why is their immediate reaction to assume "HAHA LOLZ! LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT ANOTHER CASE OF VAGINISSMUS ON OUR HANDS, BOYS!" and not that Audrey is getting raped?! I mean, what ass-backwards town do you live in that this happens that often that you can diagnose the problem from the doorway?!
8.) I also love that the cops don't offer to call the paramedics or help in any way, shape or form. They just kick Audrey's roommate's out all, "Move along! Nothing to see here! Just a man caught in the beartrap that is Vaginissmus!" and assume everything will work itself out. Like a good bowel movement.
9.) "In about ten minutes, she quieted down and I got loose." Gene. Do you realize it sounds like you're talking about a horse right now?
10.) "[I]f a girl just doesn't seem right, I tell her, 'Why don't you save it for marriage, honey? We'll both feel better that way'." Gene, what's going on that you're turning girls down left and right for being too tight?! You know that tight = a good thing, right? What sort of loosemeat sandwich are you used to ordering around here?

I think I know what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving...thank you, Dr. Reuben.

57 comments:

Bill said...

Okay so I laughed intermittently thoughout the entire blog. Thanksgiving failure, the framing of Dr. Dre stickers, Popeye Chicken woman, and of course the sexual analysis of a disturbed doctor from the 50's.

It wasn't until the words, "tight = a good thing" and "loosemeat sandwich" did I lose it completely. Literally had to lie down on the office floor because the pain in my side had grown, well painful.

Gotta love Thanksgiving week when everyone takes the day off!

Brian said...

tight snatches and popeye's fried chicken

Best blog tag ever? Probably so. Also, LOL at "her whole business clamped right down on me."

Gene has a way with words.

Loretta said...

Pure awesomeness. My personal favorite was "the scalpel is mightier than the penis".

My coworkers probably think I'm crazy laughing so hard in my cube.

Grant said...

I think the truly impressive thing is that it appears that Gene managed to maintain an erection all throughout this painful clamping situation. I mean, unless this vagina is so vice-like that it can not only detain Gene's fully engorged monster (being charitable here), but also continue to hold onto its smaller, friendlier form.

Anonymous said...

"But who in the holy hell has a vagina that is capable of clamping down so hard it can physically detain a person inside of them?! And even assuming she does have this alleged wonder pussy that can hold a grown man in place, wouldn't her muscles get tired after five minutes and loosen? I mean, drunk bitches be peeing themselves all the time!"

funniest thing ive ever read.

Katie said...

Can you please bring this book to the Jager party? I totally believe you that it exists, but it's like Mount Rushmore or something. I feel like seeing it for myself would be a transcendent experience.

Jennifer said...

I ran across this today and thought of you:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article6876557.ece?slideshowPopup=true&articleId=6876557&sectionName=Men

Enjoy!

kwags said...

Damn imagine what would happen if she tried to give birth!

Ryan said...

Andrews playlist is PRICELESS. I did however, feel that one very special song was missing from this list. Ginuwine- "In Those Jeans." Remember that shit?!?!?!

Kelli said...

so this book...i totally have it! no joke. i have proof that there is more than one copy out there. i found it in my room when i came home from college one year and now it sits in the bottom drawer of a desk at my parents house. i opened it to the first page to start reading and then reminded myself that one of my parents probably seriously purchased this book for their own knowledge back in the day...so i threw it in the drawer and never touched it again. nor brought it up to anyone. if only i had known...

you better believe i'm digging that sucker out when i'm home for thanksgiving this week. haha

oh and the song "god must've spent..." was by nsync not 98 degrees. that's right, i said it.

Margo said...

LMAO @ "her whole business clamped right down on me." Who knew referring to vaginas as "business" dated back to the 60's? Next you'll tell me the good Dr invented "va jay jay" too!

Anonymous said...

Actually glad I stayed home sick today so I could LOL without doing the painful cough coverup. Thanks Meg

Anonymous said...

Must share that after googling this Dr David Reuben I've found that he has some other books out there to spread more of his wisdom to us! Any Woman Can, How to Get More Out of Sex, and the title that leaves me the most confused... Dr. David Reuben's Quick Weight-Gain Program... And these books are all still around! I may or may not be headed to the nearest used book store after work.

James said...

Dear All 2B1B Comment Readers -

Gene didn't tell the whole story about Audrey...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canine_reproduction#Tying

Enjoy the mental images!

Cassie said...

Oh, Lawdy loo.

First question: Why does everyone the good doctor interview seem to come off as a raging, raging asshole?

Second question: What the hell kind of freak penis does this guy have that he was either still erect when her ladyjaws were clamping down on him, or still so massive that he couldn't get it out?

The way the police responded to the situation reminds me pointedly of South Park. That shit ain't right.

If I legitimately thought that this book contained accurate information, I would never have sex. It's amazing to me that the people who grew up with it as the authority on sexual issues ended up reproducing.

Anonymous said...

my bff from middle school lost her virginity to alanis morrisette's 'thank you'

<3 ash.

Ryan said...

Hey Meg,

Not sure if this has been mentioned before, but it's definetely a movie... and it's definetely starring Woody Allen. Who else would be in that? Clearly, I'll be calling local video stores to see if they carry it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068555/

Bethie said...

I have this book as well. It came to me in a box surrounded by other books dating back nearly as far that my aunt gave to me when she cleaned out her bookshelves. Unfortunately, I was 13 when it fell into my hands. Imagine ACTUALLY thinking this book WAS the authority on sex! It's a wonder I'm ok. Seriously.

Abbie said...

I too watch MST3K on thanksgiving!! Ah, holidays.

I think if Audrey's labia were shouting anything (especially 'no') Gene probably should've known better than to hit that. And Grant raises a valid point: how the crap could Gene have kept a boner with Audrey not only screaming at him, his penis in pain from this miraculous clamp, the effing cops showing up, AND her friends laughing at him?! Come. On. No way he still has an erection, and no way her vag could detain a tiny, flaccid flesh-balloon. This smells fishy. (Ha! Pun!)

Anonymous said...

Wow, this book has added a whole new (awesome) dimension to your blog. I love it. Especially when you said Gene probably looks like the moustachioed Sweet Valley High rapist. Perfect.

Another song to add to the ironic makeout playlist: Why Can't I by Liz Phair.

Bonnie said...

Uhm, I lost my virginity to Al Green's "Let's Stay Together." Obviously, I am in no way ashamed.

Is this doctory guy still around? Do people still listen to him? I feel as though that should be looked into.

shelley said...

I find this very hard to believe that this is a "real" book. It has to be a satire on health books. It is just wayyyyyyyyy to stupid!
As for you being awkward in a previous blog post, well I found this on PostSecret and had to share!
Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving from across the border.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SwiB9_gvyFI/AAAAAAAAKZM/6i5T4OCek5Y/s1600/awkward.jpg

Laylapalooza said...

To go in a completely different direction from the ironic-makeout playlist, I had some friends in college who put songs like Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger", "The Final Countdown", and the Rocky theme song on their makeout playlists. Which always struck me as vaguely horrifying and yet also hilarious.

Kinda like saying, "Yeah, that's right, girl - I'm going for it." But in song. Horrifying.

(On that note, I think Ludacris's Moneymaker would probably have the same effect - "breast-stroke, backstroke, stroke of a genius!")

Lindsay said...

God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You is by 'NSync. So proud I know that... That song instantly brings me back to 5th grade.

Anonymous said...

After reading your post yesterday, I immediately purchased 5 copies of this glorious book for Christmas presents, and in the process discovered something amazing. I don't know if you know this Meg, but the book was re-released in 1999 with a new special preface by Dr Ruben, in which he clearly states that even 30 years later, every word in his book holds true. Yup, as of the new millenimum, the doctor is sticking to his words and believes them to be completely relevant. amazeballs.

AMcG said...

Dr. Reuben = THE loosemeat sandwich

Anonymous said...

this was an intensely satisfying post. i thank you

<3

Hannah said...

Gene's story reminds me of Vagina Dentata.

Quite the creepy movie/myth.

What a jackpot of hilariousness you've found in this book!!

Kally said...

In reference to the gold teeth on that cat in Lady GaGa's video... here's something I saw on Animal Planet awhile back -

http://animal.discovery.com/videos/most-outrageous-gold-teeth-cat.html

People really do put gold teeth on cats, so crazy!

Linds said...

Oh Meg. I, too, am thankful. I am sooo thankful that you found his backward-ass book of misinformation. I already looked forward to your blog everyday... now I will hardly be able to contain myself because I will be waiting for the next excerpt from this god awful, yet so amusing, work of fiction.

Thank you, Meg. Thank you so much.

Stuart said...

I have to say that your googling skill needs some brushing up. Clearly the correct search was/is:

"Cat Grillz"

Which yielded this result as the #1 hit:

Dentist Puts Gold Teeth on Pet Cat
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2006/08/16/national/a175640D43.DTL

So Evie, Chrismukkah is coming.

Elizabeth said...

"[T]he lips of the mouth may say "yes," but the lips of the vagina are shouting "NO!" If that is not the most graphic and disturbing rape mantra I have ever heard in my entire life, then I don't know what is.

Between that and "amazeballs" my day is complete.

Anonymous said...

I am so feeling the need to send hate mail to this supposed Dr. The feminist in me is screaming!

leminx said...

Gene took a nervous drag on his cigarette.

... those 8 words just made my day. What is this, a Sue Grafton mystery novel? G is for Gene.

I love this book.

poelondon said...

I have not read today's post (but I will) but I had to RUSH over here and share this "Intervention" commercial from the gift that keeps on giving, A&E. It's inhalents, that's all I can say. OK, Happy Drinksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLz8Bf2I4E0&feature=player_embedded

Maria said...

the second episode of the wonder years is about this book. i love that show.

Sarah P said...

Multiple choice:

A. Gene is a rapist.
B. Gene is a child rapist.
C. Gene is a virgin.
D. Gene has a freakishly large member.
E. Gene is a virgin rapist.

Anonymous said...

i pretty much was only able to think of this the entire time i was reading that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH8yuld4DUE

LaraS said...

The vaginal beartrapping is an actual condition. A fried of mine has it. I don't understand how she managed to be a such a slut for all those years then got married and the thing shut up like a clam. True story, though.

Meg said...

I'll tell you one thing I'm so not happy for this Thanksgiving: that cat picture. Holy hell! It's bad enough it looks like... I don't know, the devil, but the gold caps? Nightmare inducing.

All the same, you're awesome -- have a good holiday :)

kallay said...

And I am thankful for YOU! Holy buckets.. my face hurts, my side hurts, hell, my lower back hurts from reading this post.

Ya had me at "biffles" kept me at "kitty caps" and from there I just cried. The cops' quotes... have. mercy.

Please, read on... I will hopefully find my mother's copy soon. Just so I can follow along with the class.

Anonymous said...

Omg...this man has another book out!

http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9902/11/sex/

bobadebt said...

Ok, that ALL NIGHT LONG reference cracked me up big time - I had that book and have no regrets I donated it to the local library. Share the creepiness! (creepenis?)

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

"6.) Speaking of moustaches, is anyone else picturing Gene as Scott Daniels from the cover of Sweet Valley High's All Night Long?"

OMG I totally was!!!!! I can not believe you threw that out there!

Health Online said...

Now it is very easy to contact with doctor.

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