Last night's episode of More to Love was all about surprises. Like how surprised I was when the opening scene wasn't of the girls shoving waffles and turkey legs down their throats for once. That was refreshing. Instead our episode opened with a shot of Luke shaving. Like a 7-year-old. All rough and jabby and not going against the grain. Come on Luke, do we need to put you on Queer Eye for the Fat Guy? After Luke finishes chiseling his face away, it's time for his one-on-one date with The Tranny.
The Tranny confuses me for a cornucopia of reasons, including, but not limited to the fact that she says she's had "a lot of doors slammed in her face because of her weight." Which confuses me. Because she's blatantly not fat. She just has humongous ta-dows crafted by the finest sex-change doctor in all of Israel. Since when does that equal fat? Really the only fat chick left is Malissa, and she's only recently fat. She still has the soul of a thin person, which hasn't been properly broken yet. Plus she can dance.
Anychub, Tranny and Luke go on a bro-ed out date to the go-kart track. They drive around, Tranny gets competitive, Luke finds it hot, the testosterone flies, blickity blah-blah-blah. They sit down to have lunch and SURPRISE! Tranny's Aunt and Uncle join them! Tranny's aunt is a kindly, older Israeli woman and her uncle is some random American dude. Over lunch, Uncle Sam explains the difficulties of being an American marrying into an all-Israeli family. "It's like, you know you're an excellent man," he explains, "but you're never quite good enough." Not to take away from Uncle Sam's cross-cultural struggle, but isn't that just part of being in a Jewish family? Doesn't that sense of "I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!" [Slams Door] just come with the territory? Either way, Uncle Sam totally cockblocks Tranny like it's nobodies business. He takes Luke aside to stress that Tranny's grandparent's are very orthodox and very religious and if you marry into this family you're going to regret it til the day you die and RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FAT LITTLE SAUSAGE LEGS WILL CARRY YOU!!!!! Luke wastes no time as he jumps into his go-kart, hops the rail and drives off into the sunset as Uncle Sam watches with a single tear streaming down his face, as he knows Luke will now get to enjoy the precious freedom from Jewish Judgment that he never will.
Back at the house, there's a new Sheriff of Crazy Town and her name is Mandy. Or, Manic Mandy, as I now call her. As Mandy gets ready for her one-on-one date with Luke, Malissa starts asking her questions about how she feels about him. "What do you think bonds you guys? How do you know you have a connection? Where's the beef?" Instead of being like, "Hey Maliss, step the fuck out or I'll harpoon you like the whale you are," Mandy spontaneously bursts into tears, locks herself in the bathroom as she shouts, "I'M FINE I'M FINE!!!!" Yowzah. Sure you are. And I'm "working hard" at my job right now.
Mandy collects herself and climbs into the limo with Luke. She reaches over for a hug and for a hot second, I totally thought she was going all Rock of Love and climbing on top of him. But no. She just wanted to be held. Because fat people have emotions, can't dance, didn't go to prom, never get second dates, still have their hymens, break bicycles and like hugs. Everything I needed to know about fat people, I learned from Fox.
Luke and Mandy arrive at a tropical themed yacht (?) where SURPRISE! Mandy's mom and dad are waiting for them! I'm 99.9% sure my parents would disown me if I ever went on a reality dating competition show and 110% sure that if I did, they would never be on the "meet the family" episode. But it gave me a giggle to think about what that meeting would be like if they did. I can see my dad bringing a book and my mom going to the bathroom a lot. Mandy's parents, however, are pretty psyched to meet Luke. It's during this scene that Luke divulges that he's a "son of a butcher" which is why he's so large, as "he always had the best cuts of meat." I would like to let you all know that, "son-of-a-butcher" is now the official cut-down of 2birds1blog. Get excited.
The theme of cock-blockery continues when Mandy's mom pretty much point-blank tells Luke that her daughter is crazy. She actually uses the word, "crazy." It's awkward. She unsuccessfully tries to laugh it off. Crickets chirp. Tumbleweeds roll. Luke chooses this moment to ask Mandy's parents if they think she's ready to settle down, as Luke is lookin' to get married ASAPS! And isn't it every parent's dream to have their baby girl get married to a husky real estate developer she met a month ago on a Fox reality show? Mandy's parents awkwardly smile and shift their eyes around the room for a while until Mandy's mom says she thinks Mandy is ready for a serious relationship, but she doesn't think she's ready to jump to the wedding chapel. "THERE'S NO NEED TO RUSH THINGS! HAHA! WHY RUSH THINGS?! HAHA!" Mandy's dad awkwardly chimes in. This does not sit well with Luke. He needs a wife like I need a nap: rull bad.
The Tour of Awkward Cockblocks continues with Anna. Anna and Luke head to the bowling alley for their one-on-one date, which makes me wonder which Producer put their 12-year-old son in charge of location scouting, as our romantic spots thus far have included a go-kart track, a tropical party yacht and a bowling alley. Either way, Anna is PSYCHED about this date because she used to go to bowling summer camp. Which doesn't surprise me in the least.
Wanna take a hot guess as to who's at the bowling alley? Yep! Anna's parents! And guess what they do? You're right again! Cockblock! Ahhh consistency. It's a beautiful thing. You see, Anna is a model* and her parents are worried what will happen to her career* if she settles down with Luke. "What would happen if she has to go to London* for a year?" her dad asks Luke. And Luke doesn't know. He just knows he's not pleased. Because that son-of-a-butcher needs a wife, and he needs one now. He can't have The Mrs. flying all over the world*, strutting down cat-walks* and plastering her face all over billboards* when he needs her at home with the kids! What's a man to do?
[*HAHAHAHAHA! I KNOW!]
Winner of the Most Interesting Family Award goes to Malissa. Malissa's two younger sisters show up, to Malissa's surprise, and they are some unique-looking individuals. Well, the youngest one really isn't that bad, but the middle sister, Kat, is a horse of different color. Kat has bleached blonde hair that has clearly been scrunched using Dep brand gel. She has outrageously long red acrylic nails and her eyebrows are a hazy shade of gray. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on with Kat's look until Rachel texted me: "Malissa's sister Kat looks like Hatchet Face from Cry-Baby!!!" And frankly, I have never been text messaged a more accurate statement in my entire life:
Hatchet Face grills Luke with questions and then moves on to cockblocking Malissa. I know, it was terribly shocking for me too. Luke mentions that he wants kids and Kat (who has a 4-year-old) says the idea of Malissa having kids is laughable. Apparently Malissa doesn't even like kids! OH SHIT! Although Malissa lives a mere 10 minutes away from Kat, she's never offered to babysit her nephew ONCE! Luke, however, babysits his nieces and nephews whenever he gets a chance so he starts to get a little nervous. To make matters worse, Malissa's youngest sister explains that Malissa has always been thick, but only recently gained most of her weight. UMMMMM, hi. If my sister were to ever use the term "thick" as an adjective to describe my body, I would take my salad fork, reach across the table, stab her directly in the eye and twirl like it's a never ending bowl of pasta from Olive Garden. So kindly keep that in mind, Rebecca. At the very least, always be conscious of the location of my salad fork.
There are only two things worth mentioning about the pre-elimination mixer:
1.) At one point the camera slowly zooms in on Mandy's dress for no other reason than to emphasize that the pattern is animal print and river water:
and 2.) Malissa's boobs are fucking enormous:
Finally, it's elimination time. Malissa gets called first, which isn't really a huge surprise. (BAHAHA...huge.) The Tranny gets called second (?) and it's down to either Anna or Mandy. Personally, I'd choose Anna because Mandy seems kind of drunk and tired all the time whereas Anna went to bowling camp, but because nothing about this show makes any sense, my money was on Luke keeping Mandy and sending home Anna. Which is exactly what happened. Anna looked PISSED and I completely zoned out as a defense mechanism because these elimination scenes are way too heartbreaking to deal with at 10 o'clock at night.
Final Cry Count: 6
Next Week: The final three go to Hawaii and meet Luke's parents! If someone doesn't have sex with Luke, or at least go to third base, I'm putting all of their vaginas on probation.