9.10.2009

Let's give 'em something to talk about...

This has quite possibly been the most god-awful week I've had, both at work and in my personal life, in quite some time. I'm not really going to go into it because I'm not at the point where I can laugh about it yet. Usually when the shit hits the fan and my bosses treat me like crap, I can lolz it off pretty quickly and chalk it up to OH life!, but at the moment I'm still having oddly specific fantasies about going into a room full of expensive glass vases with a baseball bat and unleashing The Fury.

Things aren't all doom and gloom, however, and I will share with you that I, Meghan C. McBlogger, am in love. Yep, in mother-effing LOVE. What's his name? As per usual, I have no idea. Well, to be fair, he told me Tuesday morning (I know! I actually talked to this one!!!!) but I have the memory of a fruit fly so of course I've already forgotten it. Our studio is being remodeled this week (which isn't exactly helping The Fury) and he's one of the installers. I don't really know what's come over me. I mean, I fall in love pretty much every day, five times a day with baristas, FedEx delivery dudes, waiters, bartenders, bank tellers and guys who look like this:

but I've never been this much of a...well...fuckin' spazz about it before. And I don't get it! Installer Crush is a construction worker, probably in his late 40's, maybe going through a divorce, most definitely in camo pants and doesn't have a sleeve to his name! And yet
I can barely contain myself. I'm like a giggly tongue-tied teenager every time he talks to me.

If flirting were a sport, I'd like to think I could win Olympic gold. I'm pretty quick to come up with a cheeky little zinger or provocative come back. And that's not me being cocky, as I will be the first to tell you that's where my expertise with the opposite sex ends. (Unfortunately.) And the thing is, Installer Crush totally flirts with me hardcore! And in my head I'm like, "Meggles, what's wrong with you? He's totally flirting with you. Flirt back! THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINE!" So I try to say something cheeky but instead I just gurgle, turn red and run away like I just peed myself.

One of the rooms Installer Crush is working on has a wall made entirely of sliding wooden panels. To get into the storage closet at the end of the wall, you have to slide all of the doors shut. Yesterday, while Installer Crush was working in this room alone, I had to get something from the storage closet. I came in, managed to get a "h...h...hey" out and slid the door shut with just the two of us inside. As I was getting what I needed out of the closet, Boss #1 stood outside and knocked on the door. "Hang on one sec!" I shouted.

"You know," said Installer Crush, "from all the flirtin' we've been doing, your boss is gonna think we're in here doing something."

Gauging from the extreme shock that went through my body from that statement, he might has well have said, "You know, I want to cum on your tits, you dirty little whore." I turned bright red, literally stammered and giggled (or stimmled, if you will,) stared at him with wide eyes and said, "Wh-wha-what?"

"I said, from us being so flirty and that door shut, I bet your boss thinks we're in here doing something."

Now, what I wanted to say in response to this was, "BAHAHAH HEHEHE Ooo0o0o HAHAHHAA AHHHH!!!!" But I could do better than that. I had to think of something witty and provocative to say back. And normally, I'd totally be able to! Because that's my shtick! That's what I do! But no. I was drawing a complete blank.

At this point a solid five awkward seconds had gone by and I had to say something. Anything. I couldn't just stare at him like a deer in headlights indefinitely. But what to say, what to say, what to say...say...um...

"Well I'll make sure to wipe my mouth as I walk out."

That was my response. And WHAT. THE. FUCK?!


Why!?!?! Of all the things I could have said, WHY did I have to go with that?! I turned our innocent little game of office flirting into a hardcore pornographic awkward-fest. The second the words flew out of my mouth, I looked horrified. Disgusted and horrified. With my own actions. I couldn't believe I had just said that. I still can't believe I said that. I wonder if that's grounds for a sexual harassment suit. I'm going to be the first woman in history to have a construction worker sue her for sexual harassment.

After I said..."it"...Installer Crush sort of shifted his eyes around the room awkwardly and I made a facial expression pretty much on par with this:

Then I promptly ran out of the room as fast as I could and have been avoiding him ever since. He will be here until next Monday.

I know it's a completely overused phrase at this point, but honestly
fuck my life.

PS: I just found out his name is Vern. Well. Good to know.

44 comments:

James said...

Oh. My. God. Why not just tell him to make sure his fly is up when he walks out? That is hilarious. Why not "Nah, this is my boss's hookup space, mine's in the bathroom," or "Doing what? I don't know how to [install whatever installer crush installs]." It could have been worse, though. I think catching someone's club foot in a revolving door and "mistress cruel dyslexia is" both score higher on the awkward scale.

Hang in there, Meggles. Take out the Fury w/ the gym. Or booze. Lots of booze and sex and bad decisions. (One of those options is clearly less harmful than the others.) Hope you're okay.

Caitlin said...

He may have acted shocked at first, but let him replay that memory (and what yall "did") in his head for a day or two...He'll be flirting with you hardcore!

lovenotestoself said...

I was totally digging you and Crush Installer guy until you said his name was VERN. As in, Vernon?

BTW - your comeback is probably the the best thing that happened to that guy - I mean Vern -- all year. He'll think only of a oral sex the rest of the time he is there. You gave him a gift. Your karma is about to turn. Soon.

Nate said...

Dear Meist,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And I agree with Caitlin.

And I've had a shitty week too. My car was broken into, but they stole funny stuff... A power adapter and A MAP OF WISCONSIN. I can't even be mad at that because it's funny. Also, I now have a crazy crackhead stalker. He waits for me outside of my apartment everyday and follows me around. And god, I wish that was a joke. And I can't buy mace or a taser because I'm a guy and would feel like a pussy if I did that.

So I'm either going to become a ninja hire a surly body guard.

But back to your post, as a guy, I can definitely say that he'll be thinking about what you said and then he will begin flirting hardcore.

Or maybe he'll just whip it out sometime...

Aaaand gross. Self, never use the phrase "just whip it out" ever again.

Angelle said...

Vern? As in the guy Ernest was always talking to? It's ok, it could have been worse. Like his name could be Bubba or something like that.

Mike said...

That is awesome! I agree with Caitlin...it'll pay off, probably by the end of the day when he finally thinks of a comeback as he's leaving. I just can't believe there was an awkward silence - it sounds like the pefect appropriately inappropriate joke!
I once dropped a pen while sitting in a conference room next to my boss, and when I'd retrieved it, I looked at the end of the table towards our VPs and wiped my chin with a sheepish look. Granted, I would never actually want to blow anyone, but the joke was understood and very well received by upper management - it's fellatio jokes that let us get ahead in life, Meg.

Anonymous said...

Take advantage of that closet and get to it! I love those construction workers and mechanics, woohoo! Oh and please snap a secret pic for us!?! Please!

TC now TB

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

James: Of course now I can think of like 5 billion things I should have said. That's all I did last night. Compile a list of perfectly appropriate zingers. Damnit.

Caitlin: We'll see!

Lovenotes: Dude I need my karma to return and return soon. Life is rough at the moment! But not as rough as the life of...

NATE! You poor thing! I will gladly send you my UPenn rape whistle and a new map of Wisconsin if you indeed never use the phrase "whip it out" again.

Angelle: It just makes me think of Vern "Mini-Me" Troyer. Shudder, shudder.

Mike: Me and you are going to climb the corporate ladder, one blow job joke at a time. And I'm excited about it.

Anon: ABSO NOT. Well, maybe. I don't know. It might be crossing a line. Although I did take that shot of the pregnant woman drinking at the team happy hour...

Ryan said...

I love that I can laugh at your life. It should be a movie, like the Truman Show. The Meghan McBlogger Show would be filled with incomprehensible hilarity...

Bridget said...

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I was reading this as my boss was standing at my doorway dictating shit to me and I literally LOLed all over the place when I got to the "wipe my mouth" part. If it comes as a surprise to him that I try my hardest to look busy while fucking around on the Internet all day, well I'd be surprised.

Margo said...

I now close the door to my office before reading this blog with an "I'm about to get some important work done" face on, so no one can hear me chortle my ass off. I'm sorry life is tough right now, it'll get better. And if not, you have more fodder to keep us all entertained.

Bill said...

Not only will Vern replay that moment in his head for the remainder of his existence, but I'm almost postive he will tell EVERY guy he knows. Who in turn will retell the story, until everyone, including the homeless man outside your building, hears about it.

Two positives will ultimately come out of this. Firstly, Vern will flirt that much harder, as any guy would attest to. And secondly, it just might start a chain of events, where every man, upon catching wind of said occurence, will have some sort of sexual experience with their wives, girlfriends, maids, therapists, you name it.

In the end, your actions could in 9 months time, bring about a new generation of children, who would have otherwise never existed. So on the bright side, you were merely helping out the human race, albeit through your own unintentional awkwardness.

Just a thought.

Heather said...

Okay, I was going to chortle over here without commenting. Howevs...Bill, I just need to say you could get pregnant giving blow-jobs, those lovely ladies on textsfromlastnight.com would have many more problems than they already do.
I really wanted to make a sperm digestion joke, sadly I'm inept.

Heather said...

damn, I hate being dumb.
**if, if you could get pregnant giving blow-jobs**

I laugh to hard at my own jokes.
::sigh::

M said...

I give you kudos for this one, Meggi. He put you on the spot, you reciprocated harder and that is HOT. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just act normal next time you see him, though!

Erin said...

ohhhh wow.com

Sole Matters said...

holy hell, that was the funniest thing ive ever read! i think that he rethought it and was dying laughing later on.

James said...

Bill - that comment was epic.
Heather - your comment about the TFLN ladies was even funnier than Bill's.

Everyone saying Vern is totes gonna have the hots for BJ-implying Meg - I disagree. Meg didn't make her comment with a wink and a smile, lending itself to hot "might-have-been" BJ fantasies. She said it and immediately gave the "What did I just SAY?!" face. Meg's right. That's awkward and horrible, not hot. (Sorry Meg)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

WTF JAMES?! I thought you were my homeboy!

James said...

I AM your homeboy!!! I'm not going to let you fool yourself! That's what homeboys do! You awkwarded that one up real bad! But it's okay! You know damn well that sometimes awkward can be charming! I know you can still get things right with installer crush Vern. Don't give up!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

UGH. You're right. Ok, we're BFF again.

Sabri said...

Wow. I used to think that the time I whipped out my blackberry and said "i'm going to google this shit and get to the bottom of the matter" to my 21 year old uber hipster smoking hot bartender crush was the most embarassing crush moment I knew.. Thank you for replacing it..

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Do you really want to be yelling out VERN in the throes of passion? No? I didn't think so.

Homemaker Man said...

Sigh. If I were 6 years younger and not already happily married with children, I think I'd be in love. Really funny blog, and you are a really funny young woman

LifeIsThisIt said...

You said exactly the right thing, now he's thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

I'll continue to read this blog daily (as always)...waiting patiently for the post that describes your after-work-hours tryst. Vern is going to be allllll over you, Meg!

Stef said...

No one else thought of Vern from the Ernest movies?

toppe said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH i just laughed so hard i could have peed. "well ill make sure to wipe my mouth when i walk out" and that is why i love you.

Loretta said...

Wow.

If it makes you feel better about having a crush on a normally undesirable man, I've had dreams about a senior director at my office who is 50, German (complete with skinny black genes and bad teeth), and married.

Katie said...

Three words: Baltimore. Escort. Blog.

raeleighjo said...

mwahahahaha. oh meg. is ok. i'm sure people have said things that are worse. probably. maybe. oh hell. his name's vern. how great could it have possibly been? ;)

although at my old job we had a maintenance man named steve who was old enough to be my dad but GODDAMN he was gorgeous in apparently the same way installer-crush (sorry, i just can't say the v-word again) seems to be. sigh. que cera cera, sister. but thanks for sharing your humiliation with the rest of us! yay!

ashzilla said...

Girl, I'm sorry, but that comment was pretty damn funny. If he doesn't have a sense of humor about that (which he should), then fuck him! Don't feel so weird over it.

Also, kudos for being a girl my age who likes older men and when she gets super angry feels like being in a room breaking glass. My fantasy on that one is a pristine white room full of dishes I can break.


I understand this makes me all sound totally crazy, but ya know what, screw it. Stress does that. I hope things improve for you soon

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couragehappiness said...

Oh my god. I cried a little as I laughed at this. This is exactly my problem when I have a crush! Normal dudes? Bring on the flirting and the witty banter. Dudes I think are hot? The most bizarre possible mix of awkward silence and totally obnoxious, over the line jokes that come out of nowhere.

Hooray for spaz! >.>

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