- Writing blog posts
- Watching full seasons of Dynasty; My So-Called Life; Arrested Development; Dead Like Me; United States of Tara; Intervention and Extreme Home Makeover
- Playing Trapped in a Box for 29 Hours
- Playing Guess the Crime
- Playing gchat games with Co-Blogger Chris like: "Finish My Sentence;" "Rhymes With;" "Existential Cyber Sex;" "I'd Rather Be..." and "Deepest, Darkest Secrets"
- On the occasional slow Friday afternoon—napping
- Calling my mom and asking what Evie's up to
- Looking at jobs in random cities on Craigslist
- And general tomfoolery
Boss #1 was running incredibly late for a meeting in the studio yesterday afternoon and left her client, who was on time, sitting in the reception area with me for over an hour. Of course the schmo picked the one chair in the entire studio that faces my computer screen, which means I couldn't do any of the aforementioned activities for over an hour. As I sat there staring at a blank Excel spreadsheet, awkwardly shuffling papers back and forth and highlighting random things, it occurred to me...what exactly am I supposed to be doing? I mean, my job is to literally sit here alone and...not die. If I'm not wikipedia-ing watermelons, what's there to do?
The answer, of course, is pretend. Just blatantly pretend that I'm doing some sort of work, like a child playing "Office." I would say 99% of the time I'm not alone in the office, I'm just unabashedly faking a time-consuming and important work activity. Yesterday, for example, I killed a good ten minutes by drafting this "pressing" email to Anna from my work account:
From: Meghan C. McBlogger
Subject: This is me writing a business related email
So the guy is still here. One hour later. Holy Christ I feel sorry for him. But mostly, I feel sorry for me. Because of course he’s sitting in the one chair in our reception are that faces my computer screen. So he can see everything. Specifically my gmail. A$$hole. I have a fake Excel spreadsheet open, so I think that’s giving me some credibility.
In reality, I’ve just been sitting here scribbling the word “$hitballs” over and over again on a post-it while randomly looking up to consult my “spreadsheet” to make sure my “figures” are correct. Hope he doesn’t look closely and see that the spreadsheet is from late 2008 and just has the number 69 written over and over again.
In other news, I just stopped writing this email to look down at the arbitrary sum of $470,750 that I wrote on a post-it note and circled it meaningfully. That’s a lot of money. I hope we made that much! I just decided we landed the “Johnson account” and netted $470,750 and change. HURRAY for us!!!!!!
Welp, Boss #1 finally just came in and I have to go put a bunch of marketing $hit together for her, so this was fun. Hope you enjoy this official-looking email I’m sending you.
The best part is when my boss actually gave me something to do, I was like, "I'll get right on this but I really have to finish this email and shoot it off first." To which she answered, "Oh of course! Take your time!" Lady, who exactly do you think I'm emailing?! I mean, the woman is more than aware that my job is to sit here and babysit ghosts all day. Does she thinks the ghosts got email and appreciate a prompt response?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this set-up I've got going on, I'm just completely fascinated by what it is she must think I'm doing all day.
For example, last week Boss #1 grabbed a piece of paper off my desk to take notes on. She kept this piece of paper for the rest of the day until she realized it was mine, apologized and gave it back to me. This is honest-to-god what I had written on it:
Now, what in the holy hell did my boss think that list was in reference to? Because the answer is the 2birds1blog Drunken Monument Tour, but that's certainly not something Boss #1 should ever know about. But what important work-related item does she think I'm doing which requires me to research a bush to hide in? What project do we have where britches are a "must"? I mean, she's my boss. She assigns me my projects. Wouldn't she remember giving me a project involving britches, bushes and a bull horn? How does she not think I'm the sketchiest character on the planet? I think what I'm really asking is—how the hell do I have a job right now??
Ideas/ To Do Fo' Sho
2.) Alex as a ghost: Research WHO. (Britches a must!)
3.) Logo on bullhorn
4.) Mic/Headset? Ebay?
5.) Make friends w/ a tour guide and exploit that friendship STAT
7.) Partner w/ a bar (research!)
8.) Ghost book
9.) Set up PayPal account
10.) Put together Alex's costume
11.) Research bush to hide in
I can't decide if I should take this as a sign that Boss #1 must really trust me, or as a sign that my position here is so insignificant that she's willing to overlook the fact that I use company time to plan a game of ye olde hide-and-go-seek...
For my sanity, I choose the former.