9.29.2009

I sketch myself out, so why aren't YOU sketched out...?

I'd like to think that I've thoroughly documented on this blog what exactly it is that I do at work all day. In case you're new, I spend my day doing activities including, but not limited to:
- Writing blog posts
- G-chatting
- Twittering
- Watching full seasons of Dynasty; My So-Called Life; Arrested Development; Dead Like Me; United States of Tara; Intervention and Extreme Home Makeover
- Playing Trapped in a Box for 29 Hours
- Playing Guess the Crime
- Playing gchat games with Co-Blogger Chris like: "Finish My Sentence;" "Rhymes With;" "Existential Cyber Sex;" "I'd Rather Be..." and "Deepest, Darkest Secrets"
- On the occasional slow Friday afternoonnapping
- Calling my mom and asking what Evie's up to
- Looking at jobs in random cities on Craigslist
- Plotting
- Scheming
- And general tomfoolery

Boss #1 was running incredibly late for a meeting in the studio yesterday afternoon and left her client, who was on time, sitting in the reception area with me for over an hour. Of course the schmo picked the one chair in the entire studio that faces my computer screen, which means I couldn't do any of the aforementioned activities for over an hour. As I sat there staring at a blank Excel spreadsheet, awkwardly shuffling papers back and forth and highlighting random things, it occurred to me...what exactly am I supposed to be doing? I mean, my job is to literally sit here alone and...not die. If I'm not wikipedia-ing watermelons, what's there to do?

The answer, of course, is pretend. Just blatantly pretend that I'm doing some sort of work, like a child playing "Office." I would say 99% of the time I'm not alone in the office, I'm just unabashedly faking a time-consuming and important work activity. Yesterday, for example, I killed a good ten minutes by drafting this "pressing" email to Anna from my work account:

To: Anna
From: Meghan C. McBlogger
Subject: This is me writing a business related email

Dear Anna:

So the guy is still here. One hour later. Holy Christ I feel sorry for him. But mostly, I feel sorry for me. Because of course he’s sitting in the one chair in our reception are that faces my computer screen. So he can see everything. Specifically my gmail. A$$hole. I have a fake Excel spreadsheet open, so I think that’s giving me some credibility.

In reality, I’ve just been sitting here scribbling the word “$hitballs” over and over again on a post-it while randomly looking up to consult my “spreadsheet” to make sure my “figures” are correct. Hope he doesn’t look closely and see that the spreadsheet is from late 2008 and just has the number 69 written over and over again.

In other news, I just stopped writing this email to look down at the arbitrary sum of $470,750 that I wrote on a post-it note and circled it meaningfully. That’s a lot of money. I hope we made that much! I just decided we landed the “Johnson account” and netted $470,750 and change. HURRAY for us!!!!!!

Welp, Boss #1 finally just came in and I have to go put a bunch of marketing $hit together for her, so this was fun. Hope you enjoy this official-looking email I’m sending you.

Regards,

Meghan

The best part is when my boss actually gave me something to do, I was like, "I'll get right on this but I really have to finish this email and shoot it off first." To which she answered, "Oh of course! Take your time!" Lady, who exactly do you think I'm emailing?! I mean, the woman is more than aware that my job is to sit here and babysit ghosts all day. Does she thinks the ghosts got email and appreciate a prompt response?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this set-up I've got going on, I'm just completely fascinated by what it is she must think I'm doing all day.

For example, last week Boss #1 grabbed a piece of paper off my desk to take notes on. She kept this piece of paper for the rest of the day until she realized it was mine, apologized and gave it back to me. This is honest-to-god what I had written on it:
Ideas/ To Do Fo' Sho

1.) Bullhorn?
2.) Alex as a ghost: Research WHO. (Britches a must!)
3.) Logo on bullhorn
4.) Mic/Headset? Ebay?
5.) Make friends w/ a tour guide and exploit that friendship STAT
6.) License?
7.) Partner w/ a bar (research!)
8.) Ghost book
9.) Set up PayPal account
10.) Put together Alex's costume
11.) Research bush to hide in
Now, what in the holy hell did my boss think that list was in reference to? Because the answer is the 2birds1blog Drunken Monument Tour, but that's certainly not something Boss #1 should ever know about. But what important work-related item does she think I'm doing which requires me to research a bush to hide in? What project do we have where britches are a "must"? I mean, she's my boss. She assigns me my projects. Wouldn't she remember giving me a project involving britches, bushes and a bull horn? How does she not think I'm the sketchiest character on the planet? I think what I'm really asking ishow the hell do I have a job right now??

I can't decide if I should take this as a sign that Boss #1 must really trust me, or as a sign that my position here is so insignificant that she's willing to overlook the fact that I use company time to plan a game of ye olde hide-and-go-seek...

For my sanity, I choose the former.

40 comments:

agefour said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
agefour said...

laughing out loud at work on a tuesday is GREAT... thank you!
-wishing my job involved bitches & bullhorns & bushes,
agefour

rachel said...

agreed. I laughed outloud multiple times and my officemate is having ameeting and everyone keeps looking at me. hahaha

Alex said...

I don't know why you think britches need to be a part of my ghost costume as they are obviously part of my every day wardrobe.

Margo said...

1) GREAT POST- I needed to LOL.

2) I too have a job where I sit and do nothing, but also occasionally have to fake doing work. Currently, I'm trying to bet my own record of switching my computer screen from my usual internet bullshit to "an important looking document" in under 1 second.

3)Hope all is well.

Casey said...

i know i've mentioned this before, but my job is VERY similar to yours. i do at least half of the things on your list daily, but my list involves a lot more facebooking.

here's a fail-proof trick to looking busy: get a bunch of business cards (it doesn't matter whose they are or have you obtain them). Open your business email and start adding the names to your email contacts. I actually - legitimately - do this for my boss every week or so but it takes up sooooo much time and soooo little brainpower that you're looking busy without actually DOING anything.

P.S. You need to add "Hotel Affiliation for out of town guests" to your "To Do Fo' Sho' List"...

Anonymous said...

Margo: Hit "Alt" + "Tab". It automatically changes your screen to the next open doc in under a second. So easy...and so useful for work slackery! Sorry if I runied your game though.

James said...

This may seem obvs, but do you pop out your gchat convos? Small white boxes of text (maybe 3x4 inches of real screen space) are pretty inconspicuous compared to the gmail window (mine's got stars and planets in the background!). I keep those little convo boxes open all day, and even if someone walks by so long as I have another window or two open with work related things, I'm good. The key is to always have 3 or 4 windows open at once, overlapping, with Excel in the background instead of desktop, cause that screams "I'm not doing anything." It's information overload for someone that just walks up and they don't know what to look at on your screen.

Yeah... 2 years means I've got this down to a science.

p.s. Feeling better, Meg?

Mollie said...

Story of my life - couldn't have said it better myself!

WHY exactly do they pay us? I'm not complaining, just wondering.

Thank God for blogging/the internet - otherwise our brains would melt in a day!!!

-http://eatrunread.blogspot.com

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ummmmmmmmmm, I'm alive. So that's a plus.

I'll stop being such a Debbie Downer soon! I swear on Alex's britches!

<3

Anna said...

i rully rully enjoyed our professional and business related email thread yesterday. you answered all my questions about the latest project F.A.R.T.S. has been working on.

Best,

Ang

Margo said...

Anonymous- it may have ruined my game, but it may also save my job someday. Many thanks!

LW said...

I have often thought about how much money corporate america could save if they got rid of the people who do nothing and only keep the workers they "need." I bet with the money they saved, they could pay the government a fee for not employing peeps and STILL save money. That way, people like us could still live (albeit via socialism) AND we'd save the enviro bc peeps wouldn't be drivng so much! It's honestly a no brainer and I will be the first to volunteer to keep my happy ass at home!

LW said...

PS - when is this drunken ghost tour thing going to come to fruition? I'm from TX and have been to DC about a bagillion times but I love it and I would def go back for that!

Meg said...

i'm so glad i discovered your blog, it adds some much needed humour to my work day which basically consists of the same activities yours does, plus researching random places to travel. i also spend a great deal of time wondering what exactly my boss thinks i'm doing...it's mind boggling really.

Natalie said...

Dude, where do you find all those shows online? I could use some entertainment. I don't do shit either!

Anonymous said...

Yeah I'm posting this Anonymously because I don't want my name associated with it, but a little bit of hijinks for you: I saw a screenshot on Reddit.com where the third suggestion on google for "how to break your..." was hymen. Me, being the dense jackass that I am, decided to wiki said hymen while knowingly having my director behind me going through the filing cabinet and, Oh thank God! (-sarcasm-), for wiki pictures. Suddenly I lost all dexterity in my hands and couldn't get the page minimized fast enough ... and NOW I learn of Alt+Tab? GEEZ YOU PEOPLE!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

when is this drunken ghost tour thing going to come to fruition?

Basically when Helena and I get our acts together. We were so motivated at the beginning of the summer (see our notes) but then we lost speed when it got hot out and the metro system broke in half. A little harassment can't hurt:
meg@2birds1blog.com/ @2birds1blog; @helenasophiej

<3

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh! And Natalie you can watch said shows on hulu.com.

Thank sweet Jebus for hulu.

Emily said...

omygodomygodomygod OH MY GOD ARE YOU FOR REALS GOING TO HAVE THE GHOST MONUMENT TOUR I JUST PEED MY PANTS I'M REALLY EXCITED

Claire said...

Ok, here's my suggestion after having a job once that unfortunately involved a lot of passers-by traffic/spies. I used to email myself all the time, but since you are the owner of this nifty little blog, you can email blog posts to yourself! It's fantastic, and I highly recommend. When I once tried to keep a blog this is what I did, but unfortunately my posts were so mind-numbingly dull that it ended up just me typing aorpwahfsdiohyarefkdl;jvareja; over and over in a blank email.

Yeah...work boredom/slacking/over the shoulder spies is a killer combination.

Jennifer said...

Whoever decided to add the tab feat. to windows is a genius. I open all of my windows in tabs and press ctrl+shift+tab when somebody comes by (or just click on the 'work' tab.

Also if you right click the taskbar at the bottom and go into properties you can auto-hide the toolbar. Sweetness!

My job sounds just like yours.

James said...

HAHAHAHA!

I just saw "Bush Research."

Best. Blog tags. EVER.

Ohmygoshi said...

Drunken Monument Tour?! Where do I sign up?!

this post was one of the highlights of my day. hahaha

Gaƫlle said...

Alt + Tab is a good option...
Unless you have a photo album of you & your boyfriend under your gmail window!
Love your blog "poulet de merde"!

Anonymous said...

why don't you start an online or evening masters program and do all the coursework while you're at work? there are some really great programs out there-- you might even get some reimbursement from your company... that'd be a good way to use your time.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHAHAHA! That last comment made me laugh out loud. You're adorable.

Danielle said...

Every new to-do list I make shall contain "research bush to hide in"

That made my day/week/month.

kimberlyfaye said...

I have another gchat game recommendation for you... the 'up my butt' game. If you've never played here's the simple rules. First person says a sentence like "I've got a lamp... up my butt." Next person says another sentence, rhyming the last word before the 'up my butt.' For example "It's rather damp... up my butt." It keeps going until you run out of words to rhyme... then you pick a new one. Be creative! We've had "entire church congregations" and "all-star consecrations" not to mention lots of other funny/creative and downright disgusting rhymes.

How much time do I spend with gay men? Seriously though, it's guaranteed to be dirty, borderline disgusting (or completely disgusting) and LOL-inducing all at the same time. And just as fun to play in person after a few drinks.

Nelson Martin said...

you've been describing my day, now instead of staring at wikipedia I can pass this around to my bored coworkers. thank you.

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