I worked my ass off in school, I am up to my gills in debt for said education and I almost lost my sanity and my life trying to make it through the grueling design program. But I did it for The Dream (cue inspiration music). The dream to one day move to New York City and become an editorial designer. Well, here I am, and let’s take a look at what I worked so hard to do! Today I’ll be doing a live post every half hour or so about what’s going on. At the end of the day, I’ll click post. Then I’ll jump off the nearest bridge because I worked my ass off to spin around in an office chair and have old women yell at me like we’re performing the dinner theater version of The Devil Wears Prada. Enjoy!
9:10- Arrive to work. Sit in my chair and brood because it’s somewhat humid out, which has caused my hair to frizz. Why is God so unfair and vengeful?
9:15- Prepare coffee and eat watermelon. A drip of water from said melon falls and stains my white shirt. Ponder for 5 minutes why watermelon is so juicy.
9:21- Wikipedia watermelon. FUN FACTS! Watermelons originated in Africa, they are not technically melons, they grow on vines and there are approx. 100 watermelons per vine, China is currently the biggest exporter of watermelons, in the Balkans people put watermelons outside for 10 days after Christmas in the belief that they will turn into “Vampire Watermelons,” which roll around on the ground and pester the living. People don’t fear them because they don’t have teeth, but they know a vampiric transformation has occurred because of the appearance of a drop of blood on its skin. Holy shit.
10:00- File is assigned to me to layout. YES! I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!
11:00- Turn in file. Shit…that was my major task for the day. There are now 6 hours left to do absolutely nothing. What other fruit can I learn about?
11:30- Buy Eddie a necklace from naughtysecretaryclub.com that I’ve been meaning to buy for her for 4 months. Browse other jewelry and try not to buy it for myself. Seriously…Internet shopping is so dangerous and I do it way too often.
12:00- First breakdown of the day. Jay the photo editor emailed me saying she needed to talk to me over coffee. We go to Starbucks where she informs me that Anne (my arch-nemesis, copy editor who hates me for no reason, and antique from The Ming Dynasty) came to her and complained that I had two photo credits in the wrong spots for a file. In reality, this happened because my boss switched around some photos in the file without switching the photo credits. All things considered, this is a minor problem that can be solved by saying “Hey Pats, can you switch these credits?” “You got it, Grandma!” Then I drag my mouse left and then to the right. Done. Instead this relic has to complain to Jay with such gusto, apparently becoming “out of breath with rage” causing Jay to tell her to breathe and calm down. EVERY DESIGNER DOES THIS NOW AND THEN! Why is it so irritating when I do it? I didn’t even do it, my boss did! Jay then informs me that she thinks Anne is trying to get me fired and suggests I quit before that happens. ANNE YOU ARE 76 YEARS OLD! LITERALLY! There are better things to do in your twilight years than think of sneaky ways to get me fired! Watch The Bucket List, for Chrissakes. I didn’t see the movie, but I’m pretty sure Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman go hang gliding, not pick on a well mannered layout artist.
12:17- Second breakdown of the day. I’m required to give a color 11.5 x 17 copy of all final spreads to our Editor, a cunty Jewess who’s famous for being difficult to work with. The following exchange goes down:
Cunty Editor: Is this Anne's file?
Cunty Editor: Is this Anne's file that I wanted to go out WEDNESDAY?!
Cunty Editor: (the following is said in a voice used to reprimand your golden retriever for killing a duck,) Remember the look on my face for next time. Now get out. (Meanwhile the anorexic blonde girl on her couch being interviewed for the new editor position looks at me like I’m the lowest human being on the earth. Go eat a pop-tart Karen Carpenter).
The truth is, the layout was late because there was a photo change requested by our editorial director and Anne wasted time scheming and plotting like a middle school girl with a self-esteem problem. Yet, I end up looking like the incompetent asshole. This will now lead to hours upon hours of trying not to punch someone in the mouth and thinking of various ways I would tell off my co-workers. All of the tell-offs involve a lot of swears.
1:04- This is the worst part of my day. Generally by now I’ve had from 1-3 cups of coffee and my bladder is about to explode. The problem here is that I’m way too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I know this sounds insane, but it’s true. Usually by around 3 I’m about to pee pants and pass out from hunger, so I force myself to get up and remedy my various situations. For now I’ll deal with the pain and look for an e-card to send to Jay to thank her for the comical “cheer up!” e-card she just sent me.
1:09- Go to the bathroom.
1:30- Still paroozing someecards.com because they’re delightful and irreverent. Specifically this one:
I think there’s an actor in the office, but I don’t know who and I don’t want to get up (see above e-card).
2:04- Currently fashioning a hair band out of a paper clip. Damn my shiny, luxurious and vibrant hair! It keeps slipping out (that’s what she said). I’m also having an internal debate about whether or not it would be inappropriate to have the following as my desktop picture:
2:37- I just totally got the paperclip hair tie to work! I scored the edges with my scissors (resulting in a noise that made me want to kill myself. My teeth hurt just remembering it). Anyway, the traction is totally making it stay in place. Yesssss. I’m trying not to think about how much I have to pee again. I’m also making a list of things I need to remember to pack this weekend for my weekend jaunt home with Blair and Serena. I never write in cursive, so each line I try to write in cursive a little differently. My cursive sucks. Does anyone write in cursive anymore? Why did writing in cursive even start? So werid…
2:40- Go the bathroom.
2:45- Wikipedia cursive handwriting. Cursive handwriting came to be because it’s quicker than block text. Cursive records exist from as far back as 6th Century Ancient Greece. There’s been a dwindling emphasis on teaching cursive in schools since the 1960’s. Not nearly as interesting as watermelons.
2:47- None of my officemates in my quad of cubicles are in today, so I went snooping around the old intern’s desk to see if I could find anything to play with. Indeed I found this weird mini zip-up Bible that smells like the library. Time to bible dip! (Bible dipping, from Augusten Borroughs Memoir Running With Scissors, is when you ask the Bible a question, flip to a random passage which holds the answer.) This will keep me entertained for at least 15 minutes.
Q: Will I get fired from this job?
A: “In those days, and at that time, will I cause the Branch of righteousness to grow up unto David; and he shall execute judgment and righteousness into the land.”…shit. Execute judgment and righteousness, is that a yes?
Q: Will I get a totally awesome job after this one?
A: “And they said, Arise, that we may go up against them: for we have seen the land, and, behold it is very good: and are ye still? Be not slothful to go, and to enter to possess the land.”…Ok, so be not slothful and I’ll totally get an awesome job! Yessss!
Q: Will I get some ass at tomorrow night’s party?
A: “So Mephiboshenth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king’s table; and was lame on both his feet.”… Any hot guy reading this is more than welcome to continually eat at my king’s table tomorrow night.
Q: Where will I live after my lease runs up?
A: “And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.”…So riverside ‘eh? Nice! And I’ll prosper? Double nice!
3:06- Ok this game is boring now and my cubicle smells musty. Off to bug Anna on gchat.
3:31- Another file is sent to me. Thank God.
3:40- Done. Damnit.
4:00- Realize I didn’t get lunch today and I’m totally starving. I’m certainly not going to go to the deli to get a proper lunch considering I think traveling to the vending machine is an Odyssey. I need something to take my mind off of the hunger…BREATH HOLDING CONTEST!!!! My office record is 1 minute and 27 seconds. I think that transpired in January sometime.
4:24- I spent the last half an hour playing free word association on gchat with Anna. Now I’m just straightening out paper clips and poking them in my cubicle wall.
Ok. So I’m going to press post now. That’s an average day in the life of Patsy McBlogger at work. All of my friends are just as bored as I am at work. Did we really need to go to college to get our degree so we can spend all day getting yelled at, wikipedia things and gchatting??
Sha la la!