HI MY NAME IS EDDIE AND I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
Dairy is a bad relationship I just cannot shake. I want to love dairy, I try to love diary, I plead with dairy for love but diary does not listen. Instead dairy leaves me in tears, pain and discomfort which range from mild yogurt pain to severe ice cream trauma. From time to time I convince myself that this relationship with dairy will be different, dairy has changed, and I have changed. I go back all excited, but without fail the Eddie and dairy combination is always bad.
Everyone I know has seen me in different levels of pain at the hands of dairy. Patsy can recount to you that fateful night I decided to mix dairy with liquor. As a lactard I should have known that white Russians were a bad choice. Dairy the evil temptress swayed me once again. After one drink I was crippled in pain and the entertainment of the party, a tipsy girl on a couch rocking and mumbling “lactose why am I intolerant of you!?”
Dairy has hurt me one too many times and I am now ready to leave. I have packed my bags, thrown out all remnants of dairy in my apartment and this time I mean business.
Dairy, if you are listening (do you even listen to me?) I am never going to see you again. I have had enough of our toxic relationship and I am going to end it here and now. I no longer care if I look like a freak eating cheese less pizza I am done.
I wish I could quit you, Fuck you dairy it is over for good!