10.05.2009

And now I'm going ape shit

I have to tell you something upsettingI almost died last Wednesday night. That's right. I stared into Death's cold, soulless eyes and saw no mercy. I choked on his icy grip and gasped for air. More importantly, I fought back like a Babylonian Warrior and I lived to tell the tale. (Specifically, I was really high and choked on a sandwich, but let's not mince words.) So who's to blame for nearly ending my precious little life? A little television channel called TLC. For it was the shock of seeing a commercial for their new documentary My Monkey Baby that lodged a shitake mushroom square into my windpipe and sent my life flashing before my eyes. And there's no way in hell I was going to let the last thing I see in my lifetime be a capuchin monkey in a Victorian parlour dress being spoon fed in a high chair. So I had no choice but to survive.

But really. My Monkey Baby. That really happened. Last night. And it will happen again tonight at midnight EST, so I recommend you set your DVRs to stunned! Because did you know that there are over 15,000 monkeys in the United States who have been adopted by couples looking for an alternative to human adoption? Did you know that these monkeys are called monkids and cost upwards of $5,000? Did you know that the statistics I just shared with you make me want to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich until I cease breathing or society becomes less appalling, whichever happens first?

My Monkey Baby follows three couples who have chosen to adopt and raise a monkey as their own child. And I can't stress how literally I mean that statement. These aren't helper monkeys or service animals of any kind. And the people who have adopted them aren't obsessed pet owners either. Mostly because they don't consider their monkeys to be pets
they consider them to be their adopted offspring. Which is apparently a uniquely American "craze." That's what the documentary calls this, by the way. A "craze." To which I say, the fuck?! Because The Twist? That was a craze. Crystal Pepsi? A craze. Nickelodeon's Gak? A craze. Being so disillusioned that you honestly think a pet monkey is your child? That's called being mentally ill. And frankly I don't want to live in a world where people this sick are rewarded with their own light-hearted TLC documentary, comically titled My Monkey Baby.

I think my favorite couple of the night was Indiana's Jesus and Carmen. Gather ye 'round children and let me tell you a tale about Hay-Zeus and Carmen: Hay-Zeus really, really, really doesn't want kids. So much so that when he was 22 years young, he scoured this great Nation to find a doctor ethically questionable enough to give him a vasectomy. Which bless his heart, he did. Now he's left fillin' up Carmen, his girlfriend of one year, with blanks and a burning desire for something more. *~QuIz TiMe!!~* Should Hay-Zeus and Carmen:
a.) Get a dog
b.) Have a sit-down about the direction of their relationship and consider reversing Hay-Zeus' vasectomy
c.) Take up ball room dancing
or d.) Drive to Missouri, buy a monkey for $5,000, name it "Butters" and raise it as their child

If you chose D, you are possibly clinically insane, but more importantly correct! For that is exactly what the J-meister and Carmen do. And then they swaddle it in blankets, pop it in a baby carrier and take it to Target where they buy it infant clothes and a pint-size Swiffer Wet Jet at a very reasonable 15% off. God I love this country.


Next up we have Bob and Mary Lynn. Mary Lynn is somewhat recently divorced and desperately misses her ex-step children, whom she no longer sees. Although happily married to her third husband, Bob, Mary Lynn sadly can not bear children of her own. *~QuIz TiMe!!~* Should Mary Lynn and Bob:
a.) Get a dog
b.) Get a better attitude
c.) Adopt a human baby in desperate need of a loving home
or d.) Adopt a wild monkey in desperate need of a jungle

If you chose D, you might live in Tennessee, as that is exactly what Bob and Mary Lynn decide to do.

Mary Lynn is now a "stay-at-home mom" to her monkey daughter "Silly Willy," who at one point refuses to wear her bloomers, causing Mary Lynn to shriek "DID YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES?!" an ungodly number of times. Which is when I lit a q-tip on fire and shoved it in my ear to burn the pain away. I'd say the highlight of the entire program for me was when Mary Lynn loses one of her hormone pills and fears Silly Willy ate it. *~BONUS QuIz TiMe!!*~ If you were concerned that the monkey you believe is your honest-to-god child ate one of your hormone pills, would you:
a.) Assume she'll be fine and continue on to Dress Barn
b.) Tear your car apart until you find the lost pill
c.) Take your monkid directly to the vet
or d.) Call an animal psychic to read your monkid's thoughts

If you chose D, congratulations
you are now the proud parent of a rabid monkey baby.

And finally, there's old Lori and Jim Johnson from Bumblefuck Nowhere U.S.A. First and foremost, let it be known that I think I'm 78% in love with Jim Johnson and would be more than willing to get married to him on the back of his John Deer mower. Unfortunately for me, Jim is married to Lori. And unfortunately for Jim, Lori is insane. Prior to marrying Jim, Lori had six human children of her own who selfishly grew up and moved away from home to pursue "lives of their own." After her last child moved out, Lori fell into a deep depression and ended up in the hospital. *~QuIz TiMe!!~* Should Lori:
a.) Get a dog
b.) Continue seeking medical help for her depression
c.) Mentor an inner-city child
or d.) Leave the hospital and adopt a monkey because a monkey will never leave you to go to college, fall in love, get married or try to have a life of it's own in any way, shape or form

Thankfully for capuchin monkey Jessica Marie, Lori chose D. And then she married Jim Johnson. Bitch.

You'll notice in that photo that Jessica "Jessy" Marie has quite the gummy primate smile. That's because Jessy kept "nipping" at her mommy and daddy, so mommy and daddy had all of her teeth ripped out. Which makes it even more pleasurable when her daddy Jim Johnson tongue kisses her. And I'm not making that up for effect. He literally french kisses his monkey daughter.

Which leads me to my problem with this "craze": I can understand being obsessed with your pet (cough
Eviecough). Likewise, I can understand pets in outfits are adorable. I can even understand that there are people bat-shit crazy enough to consider their pet as their child. However, it is complete and utter bullshit to demand that the rest of the world recognize that a monkey is your child and must be treated as such. Because you don't fucking tongue kiss your children. Nor do you have their teeth removed when they "nip" at you or put them in cages when they lose their "panties." It's just asking far too much of us. If we have to play by your ass-backwards rules then you have to play by a few of ours.

For example, when Lori and Jim are kicked out of a restaurant for bringing Jessy, Lori throws a shit fit at the audacity of the manager to not only kick them out, but also to call Jessy a "monkey" instead of her "daughter." "WELL I'M CERTAINLY NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!" Lori shouts. Madam, your daughter has a tail. A rat-like tail protruding straight out of her ass bone. She also has fur. And starred in the 1995 movie Outbreak. Because your daughter is a fucking monkey and monkeys are not allowed in eating establishments for good reason: they're unsanitary. Just because you put an ironic wedding gown on it does not mean it's been soaked in a vat of Purell for a week.

All I'm trying to say is the day we have to accept monkeys as legitimate forms of children dining next to us at the Cracker Barrel is the day I'm allowed to call Child Protective Services to tell them that you just went to first base with your daughter and put her and her panties in a cage. God bless America.

129 comments:

James said...

High alone? Or did high friends forget the high-mlich maneuver? Oh, James. You're hilarious.

Anonymous said...

omg.

Natalie said...

tivo set. game time!

this is ri-fucking-diculous!

Meg said...

i am really really disturbed by this. i must watch it.

Brittan said...

Crystal Pepsi!!!!


Also, I might throw up.

A. Rue said...

This breaks my brain. Seriously. I'm going to demand that TLC buy me therapy. And I haven't even WATCHED the show.

Margo said...

"Thank you for having that vasectomy" is easily the best blog tag. EVER.

Christine said...

I watched this last night and was delighted/horrified. Your summary is both a hilarious and highly accurate depiction of what occurred during this hour-long special. However, I would like to add that Silly Willy's mother has multiple monkeys, but only allows Silly Willy to sleep in her bed...so are those other monkeys actual "monkeys" to her, or simply red-headed stepchildren who must be punished by sleeping in cages??

Conundrum.

Also, the best part of watching TLC last night came when they showed an ad for "the girl that touched our hearts..." aka MERMAID GIRL. That's right bitches, she's back! Pretty sure it's time to bust out the TLC Special Drinking Game: http://allabouttheafterparty.blogspot.com/2009/06/tlc-special-drinking-game.html

Kristina said...

Firstly, Meg, I'm so glad you didn't die. This world would be a dark dark place without you.

Secondly, I'd love to know why "Silly Willy" isn't topping the name charts. My first born is certainly going to bear that gem of a nomenclature!

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Wow. That's officially the worst show on television, and I'm including Toddlers & Tiaras in that estimation.

So...you're not fired? I've been so creepily worried for you!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OH JAMES!

I appreciate that Anonymous just wrote "omg."

Natalie: ENJOY/try not to get sick...

Meg: It will be making the rounds on TLC until the 15th I think?

Brittan: RIGHT?!

A Rue: I'm glad I could break your brain.

Margo: Thank you for appreciating that. <3

Christine: OMG you love/hate Mermaid girl and I love/love it. Slash I RIP your phone! We can get a Jitterbug plan together.

Kristina: UM I WAS GOING TO NAME MY DAUGHTER THAT! Don't steal it.

Wiggs: Ugh Jesus. I'm not fired, but if the event we're having Thursday night goes as poorly as I foresee it going, I might get fired Friday. I'm so stressed out. Basically I get blamed for anything and everything under the sun that goes wrong, even when it's comical how much it's not my fault. This last week has been intense, as far as the blaming goes...my stomach hurts. :(

Katie said...

I can't miss this show! TLC does such a great job at finding the craziest people on earth and telling their story.

Abbie said...

I'm actually somewhat freaked out by this. Yes, it's funny. But there are honest-to-god people (children and babies even!) that don't have homes and could really use that $5k to, you know, eat or whatever. I've been to an orphanage. Those kids would effing LOVE to be dressed up and fawned over like those effing monkeys. And kids are so much more rewarding! They'll actually do chores when they get older instead of learn to throw their crap at you. I hate this stupid country. So SO HARD.

Stef said...

This post became my favorite thing on the internet. Ever. By anyone.

Also, what the hell?

I wonder what PETA has to say about this.

LB said...

Shows like the Duggars, Monkeys, and Mermaids makes me think TLC officially stands for "Trash, Lunatics, and Crazies"

What happened to While You Were Out?

Anonymous said...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/chimp.attack/index.html

All I'm saying...

Hollis said...

Monkids are the Real Doll equivalent of babies. And equally as disturbing to find in your neighbors basement.

A. Rue said...

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that James should have said "Oh, James. You're high-larious." Thankyouverymuch.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Monkids are the Real Doll equivalent of babies.

That's the best call I've heard all day.

James said...

I made one awful high pun. I'm chalking that missed opportunity up to Meg.

Cassidy said...

Ugh my boss made me cry today. Thank for giving me something to look forward to: a repeat of that show.

Natalie said...

Let's be honest here though. With the exception of Jessica the Nibbler, the monkids are probably more well-behaved than their human counterparts. Especially the hyperactive anklebiters that you tend to see at Cracker Barrel.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

MY BOSS MADE ME CRY TODAY TOO!

Thus I'm running away to Cracker Barrel.

Cassidy said...

I would love to go to Cracker Barrel to search for monkeyhumans. So much better than a normal workday.

Anonymous said...

Let's be honest...We don't want these people raising ACTUAL children anyway. BRING IN THE MONKEYS.

The Kuh said...

I hope these people's monkey babies turn on them and fling them full of poo and scratch their eyeballs out. Survival of the fittest.

Cat said...

"You'll notice in that photo that Jessica "Jessy" Marie has quite the gummy primate smile. That's because Jessy kept "nipping" at her mommy and daddy, so mommy and daddy had all of her teeth ripped out. Which makes it even more pleasurable when her daddy Jim Johnson tongue kisses her. And I'm not making that up for effect. He literally french kisses his monkey daughter."

I'm still wiping away the tears from that paragraph of hilarity....

bethany barton said...

I am literally laughing out loud. This monkey business is REDICULOUS, yet I'm not surprised. People are fucking weird. And you are extremely entertaining.

KLoCycles said...

I want to thank the bartender at Belga for telling me about this blog!!

Allison said...

So I was in the computer lab at school today. And it was already odd because my face was in the newspaper everyone was reading, below the words "Coitus casualis." So there I am, watching this vast array of people look at me like either "oh, she's a slut" or "oh, I didn't know fat people had sex?" or something similar as I laugh loudly in that "i'm trying to stifle this but now I'm just making these weird choking horse noises" way. And this one girl says, all snooty, "excuse me, what are you laughing at?" And the only succinct answer I could give was, "monkey babies." And thus a debate was sparked. About monkey babies. In a University setting.

Allison said...

I just realized all of the self-serving unnecessariness that exists in that previous comment. I, too, am at risk of choking on a sandwich in my current state.

emily said...

OMG. LB- love the new TLC acronym.

i don't know which is worse: the insanity that those poor monkeys have to suffer at the hands of these nitwits, or the thought of these people actually procreating...

if only someone would perform a lobotomy on the teeth removal woman. i mean, she removed the teeth that bite, it's only fair that we remove the cause of this insanity...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA Allison...I pretty much <3 the shit out of you.

And I'd like to thank the bartender at Belga too! I love that place. Shit. Had I known they were pimping my blog out, I would have casually slid a 2b1b sticker and my license across the bar and prayed for a free waffle years ago.

lovenotestoself said...

If you get fired, would that mean you would watch TLC more, and then we could get your blow by blow of each insane show as it airs? Because if that is what it means, I hope the event on Thursday sucks balls and its all your fault and you get canned.

Sorry, but I have to keep it real.

Zoë said...

Coming from South Africa, where there are literally hundreds of 'real' children who are looking for loving homes, I feel a little wierd and sick reading this post.
I can only imagine what the monkeys are thinking....

shelley said...

omg Zoe.. that very last sentence made me laugh! I am enjoying this blog very much and part of it is the great comments!
You are all highlarious!

Anne said...

I don't think I can read this on my lunch break anymore for fear of choking and either a) dying or b) surviving and having to explain to my co-workers that I choked because I was reading a blog entry about clinically insane couples raising monkeys as children.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see what Joel McHale has to say about it on The Soup.

I will not watch the show though, for fear that I might destroy the TV and/or myself.

Laura said...

My mom's friend had a monkey - not a capuchin, but rather a large ape that he randomly picked up in, like, Malaysia or Indonesia or something. It lived in a playhouse in the back garden but is now, unfortunately, deceased. He loved it more than his real son. This is in Singapore. I'm pretty sure private monkey/ape ownership is illegal there.

Kathleen said...

OMG! LOL! THANK YOU! When I saw the tease for the show I thought TLC, was spoofing but I was SOO wrong. Is this really what TV exec. scrape up from the bottom of the idea jar at their programming huddles?! This brings dumbing down to a whole other level! I had to turn off the TV, cancel my cable and renew my library card!

Sean said...

I just want you to know that this is probably the greatest post of all time.

Sean said...

also, CRYSTAL GODDAMN PEPSI. I really want some now, so THANKS.

Timothy said...

This country needs to start handing out vasectomies like candy.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Mmmm...candy vasectomies...

Capitol Hill Kid said...

There was a segment on the Today show this morning about the latest craze...teacup pigs. That word, craze, certainly has a different meaning these days. Scrunchies were a craze...Spice Girls were a craze...crazy animal fetish-NOT a craze! http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2009/10/07/green.micro.piglets.itn

Bridget said...

probably the single most fucked up thing I've seen all week. Congratulations, because it takes a lot for me to say that.

joey said...

Everyone on here has one thing in common. No one knows any of these people personally. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors nor do they know anything other than what they saw on a edited television show. Of course the show is going to edit it to their liking for own ratings. Did it work? Yes. Everyone is talking about this show. Caused quite the controversy before it even aired. What a great way to score some ratings. So what makes me so different? I know one of these couples personally. I know how well they take care of their monkey and love it. How proud they are of their, "baby". You know what I think is disgusting? I think people who make snap judgments about people are disgusting, especially when they are just seeing it on a television show. You know what else I think? I think that people who choose not to bring another child into this world b/c it is so terrible should not be criticized. These people are having a family. They love their pets. All of them. I believe that the show portrayed them horribly and if I were them, I would seriously consider a lawsuit against TLC for misrepresentation.

joey said...

Everyone on here has one thing in common. No one knows any of these people personally. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors nor do they know anything other than what they saw on a edited television show. Of course the show is going to edit it to their liking for own ratings. Did it work? Yes. Everyone is talking about this show. Caused quite the controversy before it even aired. What a great way to score some ratings. So what makes me so different? I know one of these couples personally. I know how well they take care of their monkey and love it. How proud they are of their, "baby". You know what I think is disgusting? I think people who make snap judgments about people are disgusting, especially when they are just seeing it on a television show. You know what else I think? I think that people who choose not to bring another child into this world b/c it is so terrible should not be criticized. These people are having a family. They love their pets. All of them. I believe that the show portrayed them horribly and if I were them, I would seriously consider a lawsuit against TLC for misrepresentation.

Christine said...

Whelp, to clear up the mystery, Joey is clearly biffles with Hay-zeus, since Lori has six, count 'em, six, estranged children and Mary Lynn can't have any...

To this I say, Dear Joey, good luck to your friendlies suing TLC, but I'm pretty sure there are enough TLC specials out there that they should have known what they were getting themselves into. Also, good luck to them not letting Butters get gobbled up by one of those pit bullesque dogs they have.

The End.

Anonymous said...

I love how Joey critiques everyone for their "snap judgements" but is ironically "snap judging" the entire readership of this lovely blog.
Also, read Blink...it's all about how your snap judgements are usually right. So sorry, go back to crazy town and get yourself some monkeys.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OMG I WANT A TEA CUP PIG AND I WANT ONE NOW!!!!

And true or false?: Joey has a monkey baby.





...TRUE.

Bwahahaha! Oh Joey. <3

Rachel said...

true of false: Joey should be embarassed that he knows these crazies? TRUE

ashzilla said...

Margo, I agree that one is funny as hell and I laughed to that, but the "people who should be put down like old yeller" caught my eye first and OMG thats hilarious. My vote goes to that one for best tag ever.

Anonymous said...

last few days our class held a similar talk about this subject and you illustrate something we have not covered yet, appreciate that.

- Kris

Stefanie said...

I believe I caught this gem of a 'documentary'. I was a little drunk, so what I saw may be a bit different from this one. But I do recall (again, I was a little drunk...) a lady going bat shit crazy because she had to go to Target and was upset because they had kicked her out several times and she couldn't bear to leave the monkey at home.

I think there was another segment where a woman was fighting for her, and her monkey, to have the ability to enter restaurants and such. No. Fucking. Way.
Have you not been to a zoo lately and seen your... thing in a 'relatively' natural habitat? No? Let me recap for you... they throw their poo and pee everywhere. I don't want your monkey-child reaching into that diaper and flinging presents at me while I am already trying to keep down my entree at Chili's. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

youre a piece of shit for writing trash about my family for getting a monkey. fuck you, you OBVIOUSLY dont know anything.

Anonymous said...

youre a piece of shit for writing trash about my family for getting a monkey. fuck you, you OBVIOUSLY dont know anything.

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