5.14.2009

Evie McBlogger: best advertisment for birth control ever.

I currently have three schemes in rotation to get out of this whole "working" thing:

1.) Rehab. Every week there's a commercial during Intervention for a rehab facility that makes me want to dive into a giant swimming pool of cocaine and snort my way out. An all-expenses paid trip to Malibu where I talk about my feelings; learn to cook; enjoy some pilates and yoga; meditate and do all the arts and crafts I want doesn't sound that horrible to me. It's like summer camp for adults! Yes and please. There's only one problem: I'm not addicted to anything. (Unless you're of the Robert Palmer school of thought, in which case sign me up!)

2.) Jail. Do you know how many times I walk to work and litter, jay-walk, steal from street vendors, kill an anonymous hobo or grifter; praying to god a cop will arrest me so I can go jail and take a nap? Every single morning. Because taking a nap in jail would be preferable to coming here, where my only task is to figure out where the "dead critter" smell is coming from. That's not a joke. That really is my one and only task today. Figure out the dead critter smell. At least in jail we all know where the dead critter smell is coming from (crackhead, I'm looking at you.)

3.) Get pregnant. Did you know that in the Netherlands, both mother and father get one year paid maternity and paternity leave? How amazing is that?! Ergo, new life plan: unprotected sex -> move to Amsterdam -> eat falaffel ->Heinekin factor tour -> have baby -> 1 year paid Amsterdam vacation. Plus, I'd get a baby shower and tons of free shit. It's a recession! Can't argue with free shit!

So far option #3 had been my front-runner, but as of last night I've changed my mind. Jail is back on top. And it's all "thanks" to my parents cat, Evie.

Evie arrived at my apartment Tuesday night and I'll be cat sitting her for the next seven days while my parents are away on vacation. Originally, I was pretty psyched about this. When I moved into my parent's house after leaving New York, Evie and I pretty much became BFF4lyfe. We share a mutual love of napping and spent our days curled up on the couch in our pajamas watching MTV Hits, eating free Kashi GoLean Crunch cereal and whining at my mom to give us attention. It was awesome.
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However, cat sitting her is less than awesome. She's driving me crazy. I feel like I've been given a small glimpse into the life of a new mother
and I want to claw out my eyes, close my legs and pretend like I never saw anything.

The meowing you guys, the meowing. It's got to go. All night long, she just meows. And I'm not talking gentle, adorable kitty meowing, I'm talking "Timmy fell down the well; you need to get your fuckin' ass up now," screaming/meowing. Scr-owing, if you will. She has this one kind of meow that starts with a "meo-" but ends in this deep, throat gurgle that distinctly sounds like she's telling me to eat shit.

The only way to shut her up is if I get out of bed and gently rock her in my arms like a baby. I do this and she's suddenly happy as a clam. Shuts right up and purrs her face off. HOWEVER, the second I put her down on my bed and try to go back to sleep, she freaks out, flies off my bed, jumps on top of her carrying case and scr-ows at me. So I have to physically get out of bed again, pick her up and hold her for a little while. But god forbid I get tired and want to lay down in my own bed at 2:30 in the morning! If I do that she just
flicks me off, heads for her carrying case and yells derogatory things at me until I get up and hold her again. It's a vicious cycle.

I've tried everything. I tried reasoning with her. I tried begging and pleading. I tried shutting her in the bathroom (but felt bad and let her out after 30 seconds.) I put her favorite toy, Fillipe the frog, in my bed thinking that might coax her off her little soap box, but nope! There she was, atop her crate telling me to go eff myself. Then I got the genius idea to put her crate in my bed, thinking maybe that would solve something. Instead, she just stood where the crate once was, shouting at me from there. Even better, I forgot the crate was in my bed at one point and rolled over and slammed my face into the door.

I think at around 4:15ish, she finally ran out of steam and fell asleep. Two hours later my alarm clock buzzed and she woke back up. From 7-8 (aka my precious snoozing time,) she meowed. And meowed. And meowed. At that moment, I sort of understood why someone might be tempted to shake their baby like an Etch A Sketch.

I look like shit today. I didn't shower. There are circles under my eyes. I was 15 minutes late to work. This post isn't even well-written or funny. Somebody out there has to know
—how do I get her to stop meowing? I can't hold her forever (L0LZ! That sounds like it should be a Maroon 5 song or something). If I ignore her, she meows louder. What do I do?!

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

drug the cat?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

My mom brought a bunny full of catnip. I busted that out thinking it would mellow her. It didn't...she batted it under the fridge and now neither of us can reach it.

Anonymous said...

CatNip!! get a big catnip toy, also if you put warm towels on your bed with the cat nip on it she should very willingly curl up there. and not be be wierd but, is she used to getting fed before bed and didnt? The only time my cat yells like that is when shes hungry. and p.s. your post was hysterical as usual.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Hmm...warm towels and catnip 'eh? I can do that. Thanks!

And she has food and water! I even turned the AC up a little bit in case she was warm. And it's not like she doesn't think my bed is comfortable because I found her sleeping on it when I came home from work the past 2 days.

But warm towels and catnip; I'm all over it!

Nate said...

Meist, I have the perfect solution about how to shut a cat up. It comes from living with pot heads & a psycho cat for the last year...

Get your cat stoned. Seriously. Go buy some weed, smoke it, and gently/slowly blow the smoke in the cat's face a few times. She'll chill out, curl up, and probably starting softly humming Bob Marley eventually.

Our cat used to go craaaaazy at night because he wasn't neutered yet and would run around the apartment and scratch shit up. But then my pot head roommates started smoking our cat up and he's been great ever since.

His name is Leroy, btw.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Nate Sinners, I should have known you'd know what to do! <3

The only problem is my mom specifically told me not to smoke pot around her. What if she freaks out? What if she wants to talk to me about her theories on time travel and space? What if she grows dreds and puts on weight from the munchies?

.........Fuck it. I'm so tired. Tonight me and my cat are gettin' high as kites.

natalietejeda said...

ear plugs

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude. It's beyond ear plugs, trust me. Plus I feel bad for my neighbors. I kind of want to shut her up entirely. (But not in a "dead" kind of way.)

Julia said...

I hate to say it, but I have to second the pot idea. I took in this abandoned cat for a few weeks and the only time it wasn't straight up batshit neurotic was when the stoners downstairs were taking bong hits so massive that it came up through the floorboards.

God damn my life is classy as shit.

LaraS said...

Usually cats only freak out when something about their world is out of order, so there might not be much you can do about it at all short of forcing your parents to come home. Nate's suggestion is definitely worth a shot, though...and if that doesn't work you could always crack open a benedryl capsule and spice kitty's food a little.

Laura said...

Meg! I'm tots going to call my mom after work! I mean, after asking her why Helena's cat has such huge balls this should be a piece of cake...

Laura said...

Yep, Benadryl. It will either A. make her totally chill out or B. cause her to foam at the mouth, thus causing you to think she is dying (and maybe she is).

Let us know how it goes.

Rachel said...

Um. I am clearly not the person so to give cat sitting advice....CLEARLY.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so this sounds weird, but if kitty only eats dry food buy some canned cat food for her (I know its kind of sick) and put some on your finger (sicker..) and then put just a teeeeeny bit on her nose. Then let her chow the rest of the can. For some reason it is supposed to make them feel like they are at home. I hope it works, but I mean, it can't be any worse then the current single mother act thats going on.

Danielle said...

make really loud scary noises go off in the apartment all day so she can't sleep. At night she'll be so tired she'll pass out like a toddler on your bed.

or, there is this stuff you buy at petsmart that is like "kitty calm the fuck down" pheremones. I've been thinking of getting it for the Ku and spraying it all over the dog so the boys will love him.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thanks!

Laura told me not to smoke her up because she's a smaller kitty and it would mess with her lungs, so wet food it is!

xfileluv said...

Meg, please do not get the cat high. I am friends with a woman who volunteers at a no-kill animal shelter and they have had too many cats come thru who are un-adoptable due to behavioral issues related to the idiots in the area college town getting them high or getting them drunk. Very, very sad.

Please call your mom's vet today and find out what how much Benadryl they recommend giving Evie. My dog is 30lbs and I am allowed to give her 1 tab of 25mg, so you might have to cut a tab in half or even quarters. Make sure you differentiate between adult and children's Benadryl.

If that doesn’t work the vet can prescribe a kitty sedative to help Evie through the next few days. Cats are creatures of habit and the fact that her little world is upside down right has her stressed out. She wants you to hold her because it probably makes her feel secure and comforted. Have you tried bring her INTO bed with you, so you can hold her while you lie down and you both hopefully drift off to sleep?

xfileluv said...

Oh yeah, I forget about Feliway! The wall/outlet option can be expensive, but I'm not sure about the other options. Here is the site:
http://www.feliway.com/gb

On the off-chance that you have some Rescue Remedy or can easily get some, you can safely use that with pets as well. Here is an article on it using RR with animals:
http://www.preciouspets.org/newsletters/articles/bach.htm

Good luck!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

GAH I WON'T I SWEAR! Blame Nate! Nate's a cat pusher!

Yea I've tried to get her to fall asleep on my tummy, but she usually only stays for like 3 minutes.

No drugs! I promise!

Nate said...

hahaha GAHH IT'S ALL MY FAULT. Please don't take me to Cat Abuse Jail!

For the record/my conscience, I PERSONALLY have never gotten a cat high... I don't even smoke (really). But I've seen it done, and I've seen it work.

But who ever said that she's a tiny ass cat with tiny ass cat lungs (paraphrased, of course... anything to work in the phrase "tiny ass") and that's it's a bad idea is completely and utterly correct.

But, my dear Meist, if the other suggestions don't work, I'm just saying that this song might be appropriate should you decide to try the slightly more immoral/harmful option:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xl7OtPuOhA

Margo said...

Meg, this blog is the only thing keeping me from going "Office Space" style ape shit at my job. I'm sorry about Evie, but your post was just as hilarious as ever. Good luck tonight.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh Nate, I still love you. Even though you tried to kill my tiny ass cat and her tiny ass lungs while listening to tiny ass John Legend.

Time to go home and face the beast...

Nate (again) said...

On a somewhat tangential note, I would LOVE it if a tiny ass John Legend actually existed... Like, 2 feet tall... With specially made shoes to help him reach the pedals on the piano on account of his tiny ass legs. Or maybe he'd just have a proportionally tiny ass piano. I can't decide which is the funnier mental picture.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I also tiny ass John Legend being in this movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukRdEVthmWM

(I swear to god it's real.)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Also see*

Nate said...

::Absolutely Speechless::

Not a Matthew McCounefkhsdfkhdheyyyy fan (I don't think any guy is), but one of my celebrity girlfriends - the ridiculously hot Kate Beckinsale - is in that? Sad/awesome/strangely arousing.

Also, I'm sure that in our politically correct society, midgets are sure to be offended by that movie. But if there's one group of people I'm not afraid to offend, it's midgets. I mean, what are they going to do? Stand on each others shoulders and attack me? Kick me in the shins? Bring it on! Everything they do is completely adorable! I'd just pick them up and hug them and pet them until we became friends and they ate pre-sliced vegetables out of the palm of my hand.

*going to hell*

Anonymous said...

I don't know about Amsterdam, but I'm from England and we don't do gift 'showers' there. When my family moved to the States, we were so confused as to why someone would bathe at a party. Consider that before getting preggers over there. No presents would suck.
Kids are sometimes better than cats, though, because they can bring you your next drink.

Anonymous said...

peanut butter?
maybe she'll be too stuck to meow.
maybe a little cruel in the sense that she'll be uncomfy but hey, who doesn't like peanut butter?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHA! Uhhhh-mazing.

Bridget said...

You know what helps you get a great night's sleep? DRUGS. You know what else drugs get you? A nice little vacay in rehab. Or jail. Either way. BOOM. Problem solved. You're welcome.

mandalay said...

Hi there Meg. I kind of love you. Not in that way but you know, a lot. If you ever need some free beer hit me up.

Justin said...

There is always the violent way of dealing with it (punting it), or the non violent way (blow dart with sleep serum - Ace Ventura 2??). Do they make muzzles for cats?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude. Free beer? Yes please.

And Alex is currently working on fashioning a cat muzzle out of "leather and a dream." That's a direct quote.

M said...

wow this does sound like you've had MY baby. this pretty much has been my life for the past 9 months. so this works for me and my human baby - take her to bed with you. might work for your whiny cat baby?

 
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