So. I don't really know how to say this...I might as well just do it quick like a band-aid and get it over with. Sigh. Here we go: I got teary-eyed at last night's episode of The Hills. Yea, I know. The Hills. The same show I shit on on a weekly basis and insinuate is so god-awful a praying mantis could write. (I'm sorry, that was just cruel Scott. I know you have a name.)
I was in no way ready for how nostalgic and bittersweet last night's episode was. God Scott, what's wrong with you? I know I've been bitching and moaning for weeks about wanting more compelling plot lines, but you can't go from zero to Schindler's List in 60 seconds flat! Slow the fuck down! I don't tune in to relate to The Hills cast and empathize with their problems; I tune in to watch pretty people stare blankly at each other and to catch the occasional guest appearance by Bruce Jenner's disco ghost or Nana Pratt.
I think I've hit some sort of rock bottom when I'm crying in my office at an episode of The Hills. Oye. Time to call Dr. Galler. In the meantime, let's recrap this trail of tears and be done with it.
SO! Heidi was very unsatisfied with the impromptu Mexican Hat Dance wedding she and Spencer had at Chili's last year, so Spencer has agreed to give her the big, traditional, non-Mexican wedding she's always wanted. That's neato and all, but Heidi can't truly be happy about it because she knows her ex-BFF4lyfe Lauren doesn't support the union and won't come to the wedding. That's sad. Heidi stands before Stephanie and Holly in her dream wedding gown (which bee-tee-dubbs looks like if a cockatoo and a bag of icing fucked dirty in a rest stop bathroom and conceived a child) and looks miserable because Lauren's not there. "You can't be sad Heidi, you look so pretty!" Ugh. Sad. Gross.
Later Heidi shows up at Lauren's office to give her an invitation to the wedding in-person, but it doesn't do much to sway Lauren. Poor old LC is just the saddest girl in Sadtown, you guys! She hates that Heidi has changed so much and misses her old friend—the friend she used to love and idolize, not this douchebag impostor. I've been there. That feeling sucks. Ugh, again. Sad. Heidi pleads with her to come to the wedding, but in the end Lauren just doesn't feel right coming and that's that. Heidi cries. Heidi leaves. I cry. I get up to leave. Oh wait, I'm at work.
Things are just as grim for our supporting cast members as well. Brody has decided to end his friendship with Audrina to make things right with his girlfriend Jayde. It's awkward and sad. Part of me wants to feel bad for Audrina because, yea she jeopardized her friendship with Brody, but she was just following her heart, man! Can we really judge her for feeling something with Brody and having the courage to find out if he felt the same way? That's a beautiful thing! It makes me feel like a coward! Anyway, that's what I want to feel, but then I remember she just banged him out to get back at her boyfriend, fully aware he was happily seeing someone else. Then I just feel sad for her on a whole nother level.
And Stephanie Pratt. Poor, sad, old, dumb as a box of hair Stephanie Pratt. Stephanie, bless her heart, goes to a Nylon magazine party with Audrina and Lo. She tells them that if she were to ever see Kelly Cutrone again, she would probably instantly die. Audrina and Lo exchange a look and begin collecting empty Svedka bottles to build a coffin with, as the party is hosted by Kelly Cutrone. "It is?!" Stephanie drools. "DINGER!!!" Wouldn't you know it, just then Kelly walks over and approaches Stephanie. "What are you doing here?" Stephanie asks Kelly. Kelly picks up a Nylon and points to the masthead, "N-Y-L-O-N. Nylon magazine. Nylon is one of my clients, remember?" Ooof. Stephanie tries to apologize for her lackluster performance at People's Revolution but only digs her grave deeper, "It's just so hard to learn anything at a job where the boss is never there." Kelly's eyes damn-near pop out of her head and she laughs, "Are you seriously trying to blame me for your ineptitude?!" Then Stephanie shits herself and cries because dats a big word and who brings a dictionary to a party? Ugh...it just makes me sad that someone this dumb actually exists.
In the end, although Spencer hasn't apologized to someone in 24 years (which is a fact I don't know why he prides himself on; to me that's about as appealing as saying you haven't washed your hands in 24 years) swallows his pride and calls Lauren to apologize. Oh Spencey. Don't you just wish Hallmark made a "I'm sorry I told the entire world you made a sex tape and have oddly long labia" card? I know I do. You could always send her a roast beef sandwhich and spell "I'm sorry" in mustard and be all ironic? Yes? No? No. In the end he opts to call Lauren on the phone, apologize and tells her it would be "life changing" for Heidi if she came to the wedding. Lauren says "K, ttyl" hangs up and looks deeply conflicted as the credits roll. Of course because I read US Weekly at the gym, I can share with you that she ends up going to the wedding, but sits in the back row and ducks out after the service. How...sad.
Alright, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge. I'll be at the bottom of the Potomac if anyone needs me.