Best. Idea. Ever?

So. I'm in a funk. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm in a way, if you will. Mostly I'm bored, and being bored is a very bad thing for me because not only is it, well, boring, but mostly it gives me too much time to think about things. And that's not good. Because I over think things in a way that 360 daily milligrams of Wyeth pharmaceuticals' best can't help.

Specifically, I can't stop thinking about the big picture, and the big picture stresses the fuck out of me. Because what am I doing? I work in a dead-end job that yesterday I said a medium-sized houseplant could do. And after five months of being unemployed, this was the best job I could get. And it's not like a year of human houseplant experience is going to beef up my resume so I can get a more fulfilling job. And even if by the grace of god I do get another job, what do I really want to do? What would make me happy? Would anything make me happy? Am I doomed to be an unhappy, sarcastic curmudgeon for the rest of my life? Should I go back to school? What would I even go back to school for? And since when did I become the most boring person on the face of the planet? Everyday I go to work, come home, swiffer something, watch What Not to Wear, go to the gym, come home and go to bed. What the fuck is that? If you told me that in three months Murder She Wrote on DVD will be part of my daily repertoire, I would not die of shock.

And these are the thoughts racing through mind at any given moment. Even when I'm out with friends, I find myself zoning out and quietly getting worked up thinking about this shit to the point of randomly exploding with, "I'M GONNA DIE ALONE IN AN OFFICE CHAIR AND THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE IS WITH THE FEDEX GUY AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!!!!!" Which usually has nothing to do with the conversation going on around me. So that's awkward.

But no more! I refuse to be the victim of mediocrity and complacency. The other week my sister dropped by my apartment unannounced at 8:00 in the evening and found me in bed passed out above the covers, still in my work clothes (minus the pants,) clutching an empty wine bottle and my laptop. (Damn her for having a key...) This was a wake up call, literally and figuratively. Becca and I had a pep talk and decided that it's time for me to make moves. I have make changes in my life. Do things! Be active! Wear pants!

But where to start? Last Friday I sat down with Helena and over a pitcher of margaritas we brainstormed ways to spice up my life. Here's what we came up with:

1.) Move to Antwerp. Actually, we didn't come up with this Friday, this is my standard go-to fallback life plan. I'm convinced that running away to Antwerp is the best life idea ever. Why? 1.) I heart Belgium 2.) moules 3.) frites 4.) Stella Artois 5.) waffles 6.) the streets are paved with diamonds 7.) Antwerp Academy of Fine Arts 8.) the shopping 9.) Belgian boys
I say god damn and 10.) best province flag ever:
Now, I don't speak Flemish or French, which might be a slight problem. Well, that's not completely true. I can say the following in French: chicken, shit, please, thank you, hello, goodbye, excuse me, how are you? I'm fine and may I have a beer? So as long as every conversation I have in Antwerp is:
"Hello chicken shit, how are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you. Excuse me, can I have a beer?"
"Thank you very much. Goodbye!"
"Goodbye chicken shit!"
I'll be fine.

2.) Get a gun. I proposed this half-kidding and slightly inferring I would use it to kill myself, but Helena took it somewhere productive: SKEET SHOOTING! How could skeet shooting not be fun? It's an ass-backwards oddly old-money ritzy activity, they do it all the time on Dynasty, you look badass doing it, and it would put my ability to forcefully yell PULL! to good use. We're still working on the logistics of how this is actually going to happen, but it will happen. Oh yes, it will.

3.) Get a drug addiction. Mainly because withdrawal, detox and going to rehab would give me something interesting and productive to do. Plus, you know how I feel about those cushy rehab facilities. The ultimate would be to find a rehab facility in Antwerp that has skeet shooting.

4.) Start a badminton league for young, upwardly mobile, attractive Washingtonians. Technically Andrew and I cooked this one up, but everyone I propose it to, including Helena, thinks it's the best idea ever and immediately wants in. Who doesn't love badminton? It's like tennis, but less strenuous and involves the word "shuttlecock." I imagine mimosas and delightfully ironic tennis outfits being involved.
We just need to find a place to play, make a trip to Target, swing by the liquor store and GAME ON!

5.) OK. The idea I'm about to pitch to you literally made me feel 98% better about being alive. Hear us out. Drunken Monument Tours. Specifically giving them. BEST IDEA EVER, or BEST IDEA EVER?! Remember when you were a freshman and one of the must-do DC activities was to see the monuments at night, drunk as sin? And wasn't it fun?! Well what if you had me and Helena there as your knowledgeable and witty tour guides? We call it Dizzy Tours: The Drunk Monument Experience (WORKING TITLE & PATENT PENDING). The tour meets at a to be determined bar near the Mall where we have a Dizzy Tours Happy Hour. After you're nicely toasted, we lead you to the mall for a night of scenic beauty, historical fun-facts and GHOST STORIES! That's right! It's a ghost tour too! A drunken, historical, ghost tour. I literally can't think of anything more fun in the entire world. So there's that. Helena and I aren't kidding about this idea either (not that I was kidding about any of our other ideas, I'd just rather try to create a badminton league before I resort to heroin.) So, I guess the question is, ARE YOU IN?!



Anonymous said...

its like reading a blog entry WRITTEN BY MY OWN BRAIN.
minus my own life backup plan, which is to make dreamcatchers out of sticks and yarn and sell them at craft fairs the world over. genius?

Julia said...

I am so thoroughly in that I cannot form complete sentences. I know I wouldn't pull off selling knock-off turquoise jewelry on the highways of New Mexico because a) I don't make jewelry, b) I hate the heat, c) I've never been to New Mexico and d) it's the stupidest fucking idea on the planet.

I am so in. My co-blogger seconds the motion and joins in concurrence. I need to spend less time doing class readings.

Anonymous said...

oh thank GOD i'm not the only one swinging wildly between bored to tears with/having a panic attack over the state of my life. but seriously... sign me up for drunk monuments. perhaps i'll come in an ironic tennis outfit... you know, two birds one stone (see what i did there?)

Meghna said...

seriously you read my mind. comforting to know im not the only one.

Helena said...

You know something is pure gold when it sounds just as exciting when you're hung over as it did when you were up to your eyeballs in margaritas.

I've also made significant progress on the skeet shooting front. Apparently, Virginia DOESN'T have to be involved. PG County all the way!

Caitlin said...

Today I am sitting at my desk and talking to my friend on g-chat about how we need to find summer hobbies because we are just boring and routine now and we need something to take our mind off our crappy jobs and coworkers.

How do you manage to say what's in all of our heads!?!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


Julia: Shit! We need to go to happy hour! Expect an email shortly.

Anon #2: Not only do I see what you did there, but I like it.

Meghna: <3

Helena: PG COUNTY?! FUCK YES! Why haven't we discussed this yet?! Also, Alex and I were just gchatting about the episode of Dynasty where Claudia Blaisdel overdoses on sleeping pills and Dr. Nick Toscanni tries to save her by dragging her around the apartment while spewing stereotypical Italian-American anecdotes. Anyway, I gots to craving that episode, so I just put it on and it's the SAME episode where Fallon and Joan Collins go skeet shooting.


Casey said...

This is my daily life, too. It's called being in your mid-20's. How about you just do what all my friends are doing: get engaged. It seems to be working well for them. So find out the FedEx man's name and get to it.

Casey said...

Oh and by the way, I'd totally do a drunken tour. You need to broker a deal with a DC hotel chain for discounted overnight rates for us out of towners.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Shit Casey, you're on the ball. My sister does the events for a hotel; I'm so all over that.

Julia said...

Yes, please do let us know about that. I'm in my work clothes, pants and everything, just waiting for a timeframe. ;)

~Jamie said...

Okay, so a little I want to make fun of your best idea ever... but, um dude...it's awesome.

I'd pay 25 bucks for that and buy my own drinks.

AND I bet you could drink for free if you worked it out with the bar in advance...

Milltini said...

whatever you do, it needs to involve writing because you are god damn hilarious. seriously. you could just turn your blog posts into a book

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I never even thought about that angle! I'd probably give a better tour with a belly full of free booze anyway.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


Anonymous said...

No question mark, just Best. Idea. Ever.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

That's what I like to hear!

True or false: I'm currently making a logo for our Drunk Monument Tour?


Meghan said...

I've actually acted as a drunk monument tour guide on many occasions (such as when nomads from high school/ college/ real life but don't have jobs come to visit and I have a meeting in the morning and can't get sloshy with them) and it's pretty fantabulous, and could DEF be profitable. PS, I feel the same way about life. And one of my two side jobs involves working at a place that does career/life goal counseling... Whole lot of good that's doing me.

April said...

I am a 37 year old sarcastic crumudgeon who is also a banker. Yeah, I know.

So sign me up. And also, the badminton. I know how to handle a shuttlecock.

Erin said...

The badminton idea is brilliant. I'm in.

Oh, and a variation of the drunk tours could include a party bus.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


Danielle said...

Would it be overly ridiculous to suggest that the drunken monument tour be teamed with segways? Mostly because I just might be too lazy to actually walk the monuments. Korean to Jefferson is a bitch!

Nate said...

Badminton? Oh hell yes. I rocked that shit in gym class growing up.

And drunken monument tours... awwww yeeeaahhh...

I think it might eventually turn into drunkenly making out with strangers, bad decisions, and getting arrested for public nudity by taking sexually suggestive naked pictures at the Washington Monument. Or at the Lincoln Memorial.


So, yes.

Claire said...

I would book a weekend vacation for a DC drunken monument tour if you led it. I am not even joking.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

We're so on the same page.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And thanks Claire! Research is being done my friend...

Caitlin said...

Okay, I know we are smart enough to figure out a way to play in a badminton league even when we're all in different states!

And there's our mission for the next few hours.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And Second Life badminton is NOT an answer.

Anonymous said...

Love the drunken monument tour idea! But first, to get some 'research' I suggest you take a summer trip to Europe and go on every fun city tour you can. Or just one. Because all of them happen drunk. And they are FANtastic good times. And filled with hot australian boys you end up making out with? Yes. You may not come back, but if you do, I am signing up for your tour.

Stephanie said...

a) I fully support your moving to Antwerp idea, being half Belgian I believe it is by far one of the best countries in the world and b) I would totally do drunken monument tours, I think it's a fabulous idea.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ummm Stephanie can we please go to Belgium?

Anna said...

at least we're in the same boat as everyone else right meggles? IM ON A BOAT MUTHA FUCKA DONT YOU EVA FORGET IT!

Heather said...

I am 2,358 miles from D.C. (Arizona), but I would make the trip for that tour.

Caroline said...

i love the drunken monument tour idea. ooo you could put your bartending skills to work and invent drinks/shots with relevant monument names, like "the korean war kamikaze shot."

another idea, get all your tour guests to dress up as their favorite history character for the duration of the tour. who wouldn't want to be wasted looking at monuments dressed as colonists? i call betsy ross!

ps) i second the book idea.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Everything you just said was the smartest thing I've ever heard.

Christine said...

I've been trying to get my friends to go on a Drunken Duck boat tour for ages!! Too bad they happen during daylight hours and are full of loud, screaming children. Maybe my new life goal is to start a drunken-duck-boat-after-hours-speed-dating service? I smell great success!

Loretta said...

A booze cruise down the Potomac? Count me in! Also, I would totally be up for Washington Badminton.

Bobby said...

you hit on many great things in this post. moules/frites/belgian beer. skeet shooting (one of the more fun things i've ever done, i highly recomend it). being drunk. being on the mall.

i was going to write about why doing the drunk mall tours on segways would be way awesomer (is that a word?) than not doing it on segways, but danielle beat me to the idea. in a nutshell: alcohol + segways = bumper segways = FUN!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

You've been skeet shooting?? Uh change of plans for Wednesday.

Erin said...

Skeeet Shooting is awesome. You feel hella bad ass. I went over Easter weekend for my first time. Being the only chick and yelling PULL like its no ones business is a blast. And yeah there is a place up in PG County. Its like 35 bucks to get in 50 shots.

Also drunk monuments is the best. I suggest starting at my brothers place becuase its wicked cheap. Too bad DC aint like Vegas where you could just walk around with open containers. Ive totally take a nalgene filled it with wine and gone on a night tour. BEST TIME EVER!

You could seriously be rolling in the dough with this idea and your slammock etc.

Erin said...

PS - To note the first portion. Sometimes I just want to quit my job and just go hangout outside the building of my dream job with a giant sandwich board being like hire me. When I use to read/see those people on the news I felt sorry for them but now I realize their boredness/desperation for something meaningful in their lives.

Private Eyes said...

One word: Sloshball.


Tine said...

You're missing a crucial French phrase! "Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?" With that, you're going places, especially with a nice glass of Stella.

Anonymous said...

I love this blog, however this post is the first that has moved me to leave a comment. This comment is one of absolute encouragement! I'm doing an internship in D.C. and would be the first one in line, no questions asked.

Kori said...

The ex used to skeet shoot:


There's even a course where you can ride around on a golf cart and shoot at targets. I kid thee not.

I'm definitely in for the drunken tours. I know every freaking ghost story in this city (as a result of my own boring life) in case you need an extra tour guide!

Allison said...

I love this blog. Can I open a drunken monument tour franchise in Pittsburgh? Except I think there would only be two stops: Heinz Factory and Heinz Field. Damn. At least they're close?

Stephanie said...

I think you're really onto something with the drunk monument tours. Not to burst your bubble (because I think your idea could totally blow this one out the water), but something similar already exists in other cities. See: http://www.ghostsavannah.com/haunted_pub.aspx

It really is the best idea ever. Become a millionaire and tell people that you drink and talk for a living. Brill.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...



kbb323 said...

I already know of 5+ people who would, for sure, put down at least $37.26 on a drunken monument tour. For the love of cripes, we've already nearly pooped ourselves about the fact that there's a rooftop pool happy hour opening tonight (AQUA, clever name) down the street! During lulls in the tour (traffic, etc.) there could be competitive drinking games and/or the "Get to Know Me" game which isn't so much an icebreaker as it is "Never Have I Ever". And what's more fun than exposing embarrassing secrets in front of strangers? I'll tell you what, being on a Drunken Monument Tour. Game on.

Margo said...

This is literally how I feel EVERY day of my life. You are the voice of my pathetic generation Meg McBlogger. And as a DC resident, I would totes do both Dizzy tours and badminton. In a heartbeat.

Ruth said...

Possibly your best post ever! I think you really hit the nail on the head for all 20-somethings going through a quarter-life crisis of sorts. And badminton is awesome and I'd totally join. Though the commute from NY would be a bitch.

Paige said...

Sheer brilliance. I've had many of these brainstorming sessions myself, but nothing CLOSE to drunken monument tours has ever resulted. Please do this!

Caitlin said...

Meg, you have actually got me wanting to play badminton again. That one course in PE in high school just wasn't enough. Now I'm looking up sets on Target. Can I still join your team? It might take a day and a half for the shuttlecock to get from Louisiana to DC and back again, but I think it could work.

CJ said...

I 150% support the drunken monument tours. History and fun facts?! Check! Drinking heavily?! Check! Being obnoxious tourists?! Check! Where can I sign up?

Anonymous said...

it is difficult to post a comment on a blackberry but whatevs I'm drunk and waiting for the bus- bc my real job probably pays less than your crappy one so I'm not cabbing it home. Drunk monument tours! I'm down and would pay. Skeet shooting in pg county- do they provide the guns? 'Cause that sounds fun too, but I'm not so sure about acquiring a firearm just to shoot skeet (though I'm sure I could borrow one from some of my neighbors).

Anonymous said...

it is difficult to post a comment on a blackberry but whatevs I'm drunk and waiting for the bus- bc my real job probably pays less than your crappy one so I'm not cabbing it home. Drunk monument tours! I'm down and would pay. Skeet shooting in pg county- do they provide the guns? 'Cause that sounds fun too, but I'm not so sure about acquiring a firearm just to shoot skeet (though I'm sure I could borrow one from some of my neighbors).

Anonymous said...

Word to a Pittsburgh tour. It should start at Sanctuary, you know, the old church turned into a club. How wrong is that? Unfortunately it wouldn't be very long...booze filled, but short.

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

1. Absolutely the Best. Idea. Ever! I would totally do that next time I'm up that way.

2. Once again, you have made me LOL so hard that i may have peed.... or scared the cat so she peed....or spilled the coffee.... in any case, my couch is now wet.

3.all your thoughts? Have them all myself, leading me right up to one of those Scrubs-like outbursts that have nothing to do with whats goin on.

4. I only know how to say "You are a pinapple" and "you are my little cabbage in French" so you are way up on me ;)

Anonymous said...

My strategy is just to volunteer 3-4 times each week-- it helps the community a lot, and opens up new opportunities/new chances for the people around you to realize that you're not just another lazy 20-something brat. unless, of course, you are.

Erica said...

This is like a version of group therapy for the twenty somethings... I am SOOOO in.

Anonymous said...

My favorite things: Stella Artois, Badminton, and Ghost Tours. I, too, often question my future, although instead of being stuck in a dead-end job, I did go back for grad school, which has left me questioning life just as before. So happy I'm not the only one bored with life! Love your blog!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Re: My strategy is just to volunteer 3-4 times each week-- it helps the community a lot, and opens up new opportunities/new chances for the people around you to realize that you're not just another lazy 20-something brat. unless, of course, you are.

1.) You must be a new reader or you'd know that I'm another lazy 20-something brat.
2.) I only do volunteer service when it's court ordered.
3.) I said I was bored, not unfulfilled.
4.) That's pretty awesome you do so much volunteer service. You're a better person and not a completely smug asshole at all.

Anonymous said...

I'm from Ottawa, Canada and we actually have a tour EXACTLY LIKE THAT. It's called the Naughty Haunted Tour of Ottawa or something like that. And you stop at pubs and drink and see monuments and get told ghost stories! It's amazing. I love Canada. You should come live here it's pretty damn sweet.

Weezie said...

Okay, so, I realize that this post is kind of ancient, but really, I'm in. I'm in deep. I will even provide ghost stories for said drunk monument/ghost tour- before THE MAN cracked down on my topic, I was planning on writing my thesis on ghost stories as a method of remembrance following the Civil War (I know. Dork. But awesome? Probably). In a stunning, cyclical twist of fate, I'm procrastinating from working on my thesis right now by reading this blog. Probably because I can't write about ghosts. Stupid college.

Long story short, epic plan, and I'm there.

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