5.06.2009

Where's My Federal Bailout?

I don't know about you, but I continue to find myself strapped for cash. This might be my own fault for having basic needs. My financial problems could be easily remedied if I gave up drinking (but once it hits your lips, it's just so good), eating (I have got to stop ordering the Lover’s Delight at Plunder), clothing myself, existing, etc. Aside from an extreme hunger strike to boost my bank account, I’ve been toying with idea of getting a second job.

This thought is usually beaten into submission by my social life because bars don’t have "disgruntled hours" for those working multiple jobs. But the closer I get to having my own apartment and becoming an actual adult, the more I realize my current salary is not nearly as much money as I had previously thought. Since Amy Winehouse's mental state is in better shape than our economy, I probably won’t be seeing a raise in the near future. So I’ve got to think about alternative ways to put dollars into my starving bank account. However, if I'm going to sacrifice my free time that I spend working on my night cheese or smiling with my eyes (10 points to whomever gets those references), it's got to be worth it. Retail jobs are like waterboarding without the water, and they don't believe in weekends or holidays. So no thank you, as I've got plans for Memorial Day Weekend that don't include hawking a Banana Republic credit card with your purchase of argyle socks. What I need is a supplementary source of income off the beaten path.

What got me started thinking about this was an email I received at work. When I’m not blogging my face off, I work as a professional nerd in a science lab curing cancer, replete with beakers and Bunsen burners, et al. No joke, I’m looking at a test tube right now. Anyway, this email was from the Psychology department looking for volunteers for a research study. Normally, I can these emails faster than you can say “I am a Nigerian prince”, but I noticed they were offering compensation for volunteers, so I thought to myself “Free money? Yes please!” So naturally, my first thought is to become a semi-professional guinea pig. I'll just keep my eyes peeled for more mass emails from work and ads posted on the subway or other reputable sources. Are you between the ages of 18-45? Yes, go on. Do you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and cough? That has happened to be before, so this still applies to me. Do you frequently use large doses of herion? Dammit, you lost me on that one. On the upside of this "career", you get paid a decent hourly rate for essentially doing nothing. $10/hour might not sound like much, but when you consider the fact that you're being paid to sleep/learn a foreign language/put together a puzzle/take an unnamed drug with unknown side effects, it's not a bad wage at all. On the downside, you could be taking a drug with unknown side effects and wind up like this infant (slightly NSFW).

As Napoleon Dynamite taught me, you need to have good skills. Nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills and the like. Although I might be whiter than an albino polar bear in a snowstorm, I've got some moves. (Yours truly was a member of a hip hop dance group in college, FACT!) That being said, a posting on Craigslist is advertising for a male go-go dancer. Upside: I would be getting paid to shake my moneymaker like somebody's bout to pay me, AND it's a night job, so it wouldn't interfere with my daily 9-5. Downside: Heavily tattooed?...That could be a problem. Also, I'm not fond of glitter.

Luckily for me, go-go dancing isn't the only opportunity Craigslist turned up. If you're familiar with my 2birds intro, you would know I've got mad game when it comes to rapping. Well lookie here! Professional beat dropping! And I played the drums in high school! I'm perfect for this! Upside: I could make it big as a rappercussionist. Bring the word "rappercussionist" into more common usage. Downside: Oh wait, they are serious about this. And our first gigs would probably be on the F train. Next!

Realistically, if I get a second job, I'm going to need it to be a job with bountiful night shifts. I've considered bartending, as (I like to think) I've got personality coming out of my ears and could charm the pants onto a nudist. However, I'm also pretty klutzy and while it was endearing when Jersey dropped bottles of top shelf liquor in a montage in Coyote Ugly, something tells me it wouldn't be quite as cute if I were to do that in real life. Even if I do sing "One Way or Another" immediately afterwards.

I guess I'm just going to have keep on doing what I do and hope to win the lottery sometime soon. Unless someone is in need of a trophy husband. Or my rappercussionist career takes off.


(Sidebar: After much cajoling from various friends, I've made the plunge and joined Twitter. You can follow me at www.twitter.com/misterlizlemon
, because if you think I'm funny here, I'm even funnier in 140 characters or less. Fact!)

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

my friend once paid her rent and various life expenses for 3 months by participating in clinical drug trials. she's kind of a lunatic but i mean...it's a good story.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

What time is it?! SHOW TIME! What time is it?! SHOW TIME!

I would panhandle with you on the F any day of the week. I could be your hype girl who walks around being like "OH SHIT! OH SHIT!" and gets people to clap. And then I'll collect spare change in my cleavage.

Game the fuck on.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh, also, Helena totally was a professional guinea pig Sophomore year and made some pretty decent money doing it. And if Helena approves something, then it automatically has my approval.

Ashley said...

God, Tyra Banks has such a huge forehead. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between her smile with your eyes pose and her impersonating the dead-eyed models pose. It confuses me.

You COULD become a sperm donor... get paid to jack off? AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

sell your platelets! it takes like an hour. they pay pretty well. and well youd feel good about yourself for saving a life. AND...you can walk around calling it your blood money. which is pretty much the best part.

Lindsay said...

Niiight cheeese!

I say combine it all and dance (you do got the moves) while you beat box and serve drinks on the F train. Have you been on that train lately? Those folks could use a drink. And you'll be rich in no time

hannah said...

i love 30 rock.

Casey said...

after i fell into some monetary distress, i seriously thought over the stripping plan.. but i'm too afraid. so i decided to cocktail waitress instead. that lasted one night. somehow, working as a professional all day every day makes you feel "above" getting your ass grabbed by bar patrons while you are a: sober, and b: working. imagine that....

dontgetsentimental said...

I'm seriously considering donating eggs. It's good money, and ultimately I'm the ones gifting them. Getting these genes is like striking gold. And there's nothing more I love than the idea of getting to play a real life version of Where's Waldo with potential spawn. It's truly the gift that keeps on giving.

liferehab said...

I really want to donate my eggs, but it takes like 6 months and you can't drink or smoke. Not drink for 6 months?! Is that even possible??

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

No amount of money is worth not drinking or smoking for 6 months. So there's that.

msto said...

sell the slanket you wear while working on your night cheese. i hear they're in high demand.

dontgetsentimental said...

Agreed. I'm not quitting drinking or smoking when ACTUALLY pregnant, let alone giving it up for some bullshit science experiment.

Helena said...

Oh man I WAS a guinea pig. Two weeks worth of food and sleepovers in the hospital! Downside: I had to pee on demand. A lot. But it was totally better than getting a real job. And I don't think I paid taxes on that money? But that was probably a mistake on my part. Forget I said that.

Jenifer said...

mr liz lemon. i LOVE 30 rock! and i respect you a little bit more because you clearly do too.

Paco said...

Hey, I'm random, but who cares. Why don't you just advertise on your blog? Or submit it to be a part of a larger blog?

Becca said...

Because we don't know how to do that. Do you? meg@2birds1blog.com

xoxo

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

That last comment was from Meg and not Becca, bee tee dubbs. I didn't mean to hack into my sister's account. Please don't tell her.

Paco said...

Nope, I just know that it's possible.. with any website. Also, people sell their blogs, get paid salary to blog for other blogs or if you've sold it to a larger media mogul then get paid to continue writing on your own blog...

This wasn't resourceful, I know.

 
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