5.15.2009

Drinking Game Friday hasn't slept in days...

So I had a lot of time on my hands last night spent not sleeping. I decided to make use of that time and write a screenplay for a short film I call Ambien & Evie, which is also the subject of this week's drinking game. So, without further ado I give youThe Ambien & Evie Drinking Game!
Photobucket

Rules
Drink When:
- Evie insults Meg
- Meg insults Evie
- Evie curses
- Evie asks Meg to cuddle
- Meg sings
- Meg complains about being tired
- Evie has a freak out
- Something is microwaved
- Evie gets locked in the bathroom
- Meg cries
- A 90's sitcom is referenced

Characters:
Meg: A 24 year old graphic designer with a heart of gold and a mouth o' sass.
Evie: A 4 year old Tonkinese cat originally from New Jersey.

Setting:
Meg's studio apartment in Dupont Circle, Washington, DC. Necessary props: 1 bed; 1 stuffed frog; 1 red blanket; 1 microwave; mail; 1 cat carrying case; 1 strand of pukka shells; 1 litter box.

Scene 1:
[Evie is curled up on Meg's bed asleep; Meg enters door carrying mail and takes off her headphones.]

Evie: [waking up] Well, well, well...look who finally decided to come home.
Meg: [sighs heavily, puts down mail] Oh, I'm sorry Evie, but some of us actually have to work while some of us get to stay at home and lick our own ass.
Evie: Bitch please. I've read your blog. I know you watch Dynasty and eat pita chips all day. Considering your job, you might as well be licking your own ass.
Meg: Alright, look you; it's 5:30 now. I have a 7:15 doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, so I will be going to bed at 11 o'clock tonight. That means you have five and a half hours to talk allllll the shit you want, but when 11 o'clock rolls around, it's time to shut your face. Got it?
Evie: You realize you have absolutely no authority over me and I find this hilarious, right?
Meg: Yeah...Well. I don't really have a comeback for that, so I'm just going to lift you in the air Lion King style and pretend to be Rafiki, because I know you hate when I do that.
Evie: [dangling in the air] ...Well played madam.

Scene 2:
[Five and a half hours later. The lights in Meg's apartment have all been turned off except for the lamp on the nightstand. Meg is lying on her back and Evie is on her stomach.]

Meg:
Alright Evie, it's bedtime. All you have to do is lay on my tummy and shut your little gullet. Think you can handle that? You comfortable?

Evie: Yeah, surprisingly comfortable actually. You've packed on a few pounds since I last saw you. You know the Kashi isn't "lean" when you have five bowls of it, right?
Meg: Alright smartass, enough. I'm going to turn off this light, OK?
Evie: OK, I'm ready.
Meg: OK. Goodnight Yvette.
Evie: Goodnight Meghan.
[Meg shuts off lamp next to bed]

-- 5 minutes later--

Evie: HOLY CRAPPPPP! [Jumps off the bed and runs to the front door] MEG! MEG! I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM! JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST, WHERE THE SHIT AM I?! GAAAHHHHH!!!!
Meg: Jesus Evie. [Gets up, walks to the front door, turns on the hall light and stares at Evie]
Evie: [Stares back] O heyyyyy girl!
Meg: Can I help you with something?
Evie: Yeah! Let's cuddle!
Meg: But we were literally just cuddling.
Evie: When?
Meg: Just now! Like, five minutes ago! You were purring! What happened?
Evie: Shit, I don't remember what happened five seconds ago. I'm a cat, not Rain Man. Quit the interrogation me and pick me up, bitch!
Meg: Ugh, fine. [Picks up Evie and brings her back to bed] OK. So we're going to try this again. I'm going to turn out the lights and go to bed, and so are you. OK? OK. Goodnight Evie. [Turns out light]

--2 minutes later--

Evie: RAAAAPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!! RAPE!!!! [Evie jumps off the bed and runs to the front door]
Meg: What now?! [walks to front door and turns on the hall light]
Evie: O heyyyyy homegirl! What starts with a "c" and rhymes with puddle??
Meg: Are you kidding me? We were just cuddling! And did I hear you scream rape?!
Evie: Oh please. Now you're just making things up to get attention.
Meg: [Picks up Evie] Alright, according to an article I read online, if I sing to you, you'll calm down and go to bed. [Gets into bed with Evie] Here we go. [Singing] Let's have some fun, this beat is sick; I wanna take a ride on your disco sti

Evie: Oh come on! That's just crass! I hate Lady Gaga; sing me some Barry Manilow.
Meg: ...Are you serious?
Evie: You wanna go to bed or not?
Meg: [Sighs] Fine. [Singing] Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl

Evie: No, no, change the words so it's about me and you.
Meg: [Rolls her eyes and sighs; singing] Her name was Evie, she was a showgirl; with yellow feathers in her fur and a dress cut down to thurr; she would meringue and do the cha-cha; and while she tried to be a star, Meggles always tended bar across the crowded floor, they worked from 8 til 4...[stops singing, whispering] Evie? You asleep? Thank god.

[Meg closes her eyes and begins to drift off to sleep]

--60 seconds later--

Evie: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILLER BEEEEEES!!!!!!! [Evie jumps off the bed and runs to the front door] MEG! GET UP! THERE ARE KILLER BEES EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE IN MY FUR! GET THEM OUT! GAHHH!!!!

[Meg opens her eyes and stares blankly at the ceiling]

Scene 3:
[Meg is standing in front of the microwave looking exhausted.]

Evie:
Hey slut. You makin' us popcorn? We gonna watch a movie?

Meg: No Evie, I am not making us popcorn and we are not going to watch a movie. I'm heating up your red blanket.
Evie: Well that's stupid, why are you doing that?
Meg: One of my readers said if I wrap you in a heated towel, you'll calm down. [Microwave beeps and Meg pulls out the red blanket]
Evie: Pshh, fuck that noise! [Meg picks up Evie, swaddles her in the blanket and rocks her like a baby] How would you like it if I wrap you up like a friggin' burrito against your will and
ohthis is kinda nice. Oh man. I feel all warm and protected. I'm gettin' kinda drowsy... [Meg walks Evie back to bed and turns out the light]
Meg: Good night Evie.

--30 seconds later--

Evie: THE HAMBURGLER!!!!!! [Jumps out of bed and runs to the front door] MEG! THE HAMBURGLER IS IN THE APARTMENT AND HE'S GOING TO STEAL ALL OF MY HAMBURGERS!!!!!! GAHHHH!!!!! WE HAVE TO PROTECT THE HAMBURGERS!!!!!

[Meg opens her eyes and stares blankly at the ceiling]

Scene 4:
[Setting: Meg's bathroom. Meg carries Evie in and and sets her down on the rug.]

Evie: What the shit are we doing in here?
Meg: You are sleeping in here. I am going back to my bed.
Evie: Oh please. You can't really expect me to sleep in here all alone. Your job is to keep me company. If you leave me, I'll tell mom. You work for me brown eyes, remember that.
Meg: You do whatever you want Evie. I'm going to bed. Goodnight. [Meg shuts the bathroom door and walks back to bed]

Scene 5:
[Meg lies in bed, tossing and turning. There are muffled whimpering noises coming from the bathroom. Finally, Meg can't take it anymore and goes into the bathroom to free Evie.]

Meg: [Opens the door] I'm sorry Eves, you can come out now. I didn't mean to be an asshole, I'm just really, really tired.
Evie: [Sauntering out of the bathroom] Yea, well, I forgive you. Oh, but I took the liberty of breaking that pukka shell necklace on the door handle for you. There are currently shells all over the floor. You might want to clean them up before I eat 'em and get sick. It would be a shame if I puke all over your new rug. Or maybe I already ate a few...? Rats, I just can't remember!
Meg: God I hate you.

Scene 6:
[Meg wakes suddenly from her sleep and looks around for Evie, who is at the foot of her bed sound asleep]
Meg: Phew. Good Girl. [Meg lays back down and closes her eyes]

--1 second later--

Evie: JOHN GOODMAN!!!!!!! [Evie jumps off the bed and runs to the front door] MEG! JOHN GOODMAN CIRCA 1992 ROSEANNE IS IN HERE! HE'S GOING TO GROUND ME INTO MEAT AND SERVE ME AT THE LANFORD LUNCHBOX!!!! MEG! GET AUNT JACKIE!!!!!! GAHHH!!!!

[Meg puts a pillow over her face and begins to sob]

Scene 6:
[It is the next morning. A very tired Meg has just finished getting ready. She comes out of the bahtroom and looks around for Evie, who has been absent all morning. She finally finds her snuggling under the cover's on her bed.]

Meg: Good morning asshole. Have a nice time last night?
[Evie stares at her blankly]
Meg: What? Nothing to say?
Evie: Meow.
Meg: Meow? You serious?
Evie: Meow.
Meg: What, no insults? No fat jokes? No hamburglers raping you?
Evie: [Yawns]
Meg: Aww...Ohhh Evie, what am I going to do with you? [Meg kisses Evie on the cheek and heads for the door] Have a good day Eves, I'll see you tonight!

[The door closes after Meg.]

Evie: You bet your lily white ass you will bitch! MUAHAHAHA!

[Fade out as Evie continues to laugh diabolically]


SCENE

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

This has nothing to do with Evie, but it made me think of you:
http://www.dailyrecord.com/article/20090515/COMMUNITIES54/905150332/1005/NEWS01/Cops++Man+in+Snuggie+attempted+burglary

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Well, I find that story just as upsetting as Evie, so I guess it's all related somehow.

R said...

Dear meg-
Today sucked. I almost cried at work and I referred to myself (to Becca) as a ticking time bomb and am afraid who may feel my wrath. Not good for an HR person, eh? (Youneed a day off???REALLY!? GO FUCK YOUSELF) Anyways, your blog made me laughmy ass off today. I heart you so much and cant wait to see you next Sunday. Love you!!!

Mel said...

So I just want you to know that you're my hero. This is a fact.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA! Fantastic. If it makes you feel any better, my roommates cat makes it a point to hump the shit out of me whilst i slumber on a weekly basis. I feel so used and dirty. Therapy hasn't helped.

Julia said...

Downing TWO for you tonight. Well, pouring one out on the curb for my homie's (your) sanity.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Please do. I need all the pity pouring I can get!

Anonymous said...

Two glasses of wine. Two Tylenol PMs. See you in the morning, Evie.

Bridget said...

I said it before and I'll say it again. Drugs.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I can't! My mom would kill me! You've never experienced the wrath of Diane McBlogger!

R said...

really? come on. Di seems down with it!

Alisha said...

And...still laughing.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Diane loves this cat more than she will ever, or could ever love me. And I'm not saying that just to get attention. I rely on my parents fiscally sometimes; I can't fuck up their cat.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Aw, Rach I just saw your comment, I'm sorry I missed it before! I beyonndddd love you! Stay strong in these last few days before your wedding; it's going to be amazing! <3

Cassie said...

Um. I think I love you. There I said it.

I semi recently found your blog and I am pretty sure I have read every post back as far as I could. Your blogs make my day. :-)

ashzilla said...

I too recently found your blogs and you have no idea what a lovely ray of sunshine they are. Speaking of cats you must love and hate at the same time, maybe this will make you feel better. I live in a studio apartment where the wall at the foot of my bed has a cutout. Well, my cats think its just HU LAR EE US to jump from the top of the cutout in the wall onto my back or the back of my legs while I'm in the middle of a sweet sweet slumber. I think this is their new hobby. Maybe we can set up a kitty boot camp or tough love group.

Leah said...

I'm way late to the party, but I just found your blog and now everyone at work thinks I'm mental. I guess that's what happens when you giggle at your desk when the office is otherwise silent.

I almost had to make myself stop reading this particular post, as I literally had tears in my eyes and was glaringly apparent that I wasn't working.

Thank you. Thank you for improving my massively shit-tastic day.

Anonymous said...

meg i wish we were friends. i just found you thursday during my first class, and have no lecture notes from that whole day! i can't stop reading!

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deuceexmachina said...

oh my....

ambien said...

It is fantastic that it wears off so quickly - no residual tiredness in the morning like other sleep-aids. I do wish it lasted longer. It really only keeps you asleep for ~4 hours. I guess that's what Ambien CR is for.

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